". . . and Arthur wouldn't say what it was about?"
"No," Merlin said, offering Guinevere a smile as she took his arm again. The crisp scent of lavender hung heavily around them, overpowering the rest of the offerings from the market's flower stall. "All he would say is that I couldn't possibly have any experience with whatever the matter was, and so I should quit hovering and go do something else."
"What would you not have experience in?" Lancelot asked. He brushed past Merlin, dodging some other market-goer rushing off to do some errand before the shops closed for the evening. The knight's footsteps faltered again as Cabal nosed between them. Merlin tightened his grip on the dog's lead. "Busy day today," Lancelot remarked, closing the gap between them to keep other passers-by from colliding with the little group.
"There's a rainstorm coming," Merlin said, "Everyone wants to get home before it gets here." He scratched Cabal's ears. The hound pressed against him, begging for more. "And I have no idea what Arthur's on about. Whatever it was made him cross, and you know how he gets when he's cross." Guinevere chuckled at that. "So I decided to let the matter lie and enjoy the rest of the day. It's not like I get that many days off." It was true. Even without his sight, Arthur had plenty of work for him. He spent most days tutoring the King on the finer points of law and history, and when he wasn't with Arthur, he taught herbalism to Aimery and Stilicho. He even went on the occasional- if placid- ride with Arthur and the knights, trusting Altair not to jump at shadows or dump him in a hazel thicket.
"Well, I'm glad you decided to spend the day with us. I don't get to see you as often anymore." Guinevere squeezed his arm.
"And here I thought you'd be sick of me after everything I put you through over the winter," he said, smiling to take any heat out of his words. She had, after all, been at his side every day, putting up with his surly moods and complaints during his recovery.
"You didn't put me through anything I couldn't handle. Besides. After all that happened, I think you earned the right to be grumpy. Careful!" Guinevere grabbed Merlin's arm as he stumbled over a loose paving stone. Lancelot caught his other arm, and together they kept the sorcerer upright until he found his footing. Merlin felt the wary gazes of passers-by watching the tableau, as though they expected some burst of magic from the warlock. Whether they were disappointed or relieved when nothing happened, Merlin couldn't say.
"Are you all right?" Lancelot asked. Merlin nodded, and the knight let go of his arm. "I thought you had some sort of spell to help you see?"
"I do," Merlin lowered his voice, "But magic makes people uncomfortable. I like getting out of the castle once in a while, and I'd rather not scare people for no good reason. If going outside for a bit means I have to be 'Poor, Blind Merlin' for a few hours, then so be it. Besides. Keeping that spell active all day is exhausting. And anyway," he draped his arm around Guinevere's shoulders, "How often do I get to wander the market with a pretty girl to lead me about?"
"Merlin!" Guinevere tried to scold him but laughed instead, settling for playfully batting him in the gut. "What would Arthur say if he heard you?"
"Arthur has nothing to worry about, Gwen. Not when it comes to you. Just about everything else, but never you." He gave her a one-armed hug before releasing her shoulders so she could take his arm again. Happiness radiated from her, and he took a moment to soak in it while they walked.
"Speaking of worries," Lancelot hesitantly broke the quiet, "Lord Pynell has been. . . vocal about magic returning to Camelot. He accuses you of poisoning Arthur's mind, among other things. Has he given you any trouble?"
Merlin's fingers tightened around Cabal's lead. "We exchanged some words one night, a few days before Beltaine. But nothing's come of it, so can we talk about something else?"
"Merlin, what happened?" Lancelot asked. It was clear he wasn't going to let go of the issue. Merlin sighed and turned his face away. "Did he threaten you? Tell me the truth."
"Can we not talk about it here, in the middle of everything?" Merlin asked. Magic was legal again, but it didn't mean everyone was comfortable with it. Nor was it wise to discuss an antagonistic encounter with one of the highest lords of the land in the middle of a busy market. Lancelot grudgingly assented to this bit of sense before he all but dragged them back to the castle, depositing his reluctant charge in Gaius's empty chambers.
"All right. We're somewhere private. Now tell me what happened between you and Pynell. You said it was just before Beltaine, but Merlin, that was over two weeks ago. Why haven't you said anything?" Lancelot sat him down in a chair by the table and dragged another one over to sit down, too. There was a rustling from deeper in the room; no doubt Guinevere was shuffling around, collecting food or something to drink.
"Would it have mattered if I had?" Cabal pressed against the bench. He rested a hand on the dog's head. "We exchanged words, not blows. Magic may be legal now, be he's still a high lord of Camelot. I'm just a servant."
"You are more than 'just' a servant, Merlin," Guinevere pressed a mug into his hands. Honeyed tea, by the sweet scent. "You're Arthur's friend. You're high in his favor. That has to count for something."
"High in his favor, yes, but high as I could rise, how much faster could I fall?" He wrapped his braced hands around the mug, its warmth suddenly welcome. "Pynell isn't the only one who thinks I talked Arthur into rescinding his father's law, and he's not the only noble of great standing who hates magic. Besides that, there are others who don't give a whit about magic, but are jealous of the fact that a bastard peasant boy from a foreign land has the King's ear. I may have my freedom now, but I'm still walking on a razor's edge. If I take one wrong step, irritate the wrong person, I could end up with half a dozen knives planted in my back."
"Merlin," Lancelot said roughly. He heard the knight move, felt his hands on his shoulders. He kept himself from flinching at the unexpected touch. It stirred up uncomfortable memories. "You are a citizen of Camelot. You are protected by the same laws and entitled to the same rights as everyone else, and that includes the right not to have your life threatened in your own home. You understand that, don't you?"
"I do," Merlin offered him a wan smile, "But the practice is different from the theory. People don't change just because you want them to."
"You're right," Lancelot admitted, "But Arthur still needs to be told. No, Merlin," he cut off the warlock's protest before it could start. "I'm going to tell Arthur of this because he needs to be prepared. What if Pynell carries out his threat and you're not alone when it happens? What if Gaius or Guinevere were caught in the crossfire, or- God forbid- Arthur? I would expect you of all people to take the possible consequences into account."
He rolled his shoulders to dislodge Lancelot's hands. The knight's closeness, the warmth of his breath, the faint scent of sweat reminded Merlin too much of that dark hole under Blackheath. "You will do as you must. I just don't want to cause trouble."
"I know, Merlin. And I just want to keep you safe." Lancelot hesitantly brushed his arm, then pulled his hand away. "I'll go now to speak with the King. Guinevere?"
"I'll be here."
Merlin's fingers tightened around the mug. He closed his eyes and bowed his head once the door had closed behind the knight. He took a long breath, trying to sweep away the memories that had stirred and calm his own temper.
"Merlin?"
"I am not incapable of defending myself. I may be blind, but I'm not helpless," Merlin said. Cabal whined and rested his head on Merlin's knee, bringing a faint smile to the warlock's face.
"I know," Guinevere said gently, "And Lancelot knows it, too. Be he worries. We all do." She settled into the chair the knight had vacated, her fingers brushing his arm before she pulled them away. "After everything you've been through this past year, we know you're perfectly able to take care of yourself. But that doesn't stop us from worrying about you, just like you worry about the rest of us. And don't try to say that we shouldn't." She patted his hand, and this time he didn't flinch from the touch.
"It was such a lovely day, wasn't it?" he asked after a while, "It was warm, the sun was shining, and everyone at the market was happy. You bought the first flowers of the year." His smile faded. "Do you think there will be a day when the world leaves me alone, when some innocent little thing won't remind me of . . . "
"Of Blackheath?"
He nodded. "It all comes back around to that, doesn't it? Even this business with Pynell seems to drag it back out. It just circles back around, time and time again." He swallowed back the tears that threatened, drawing in another long breath to control himself. "Do me a favor, Gwen?"
"Anything," she said.
Remind me, now and then, what it's like to be happy. Can you do that? For me? I think you're the happiest person I've ever met. And you always will be." He sent a wavering smile in her direction.
"Merlin. . . " She wrapped her hands around his. "You won't always be sad. One day, you will be happy again, as you always were. And don't tell me you weren't before last winter. I know better. You will be happy again."
"How can you know that?"
"Because I know you." She kissed his fingers. "Even when times are their very darkest, you find a way to shine. It's one of the many reasons you are so well loved."
"Flatterer," he said, but his smile broadened in spite of himself.
"See? Look at you shining," she said. They sat in companionable silence for a while before she sighed. "It's already getting dark. I should go. Lady Drusilla will be looking for me. Do you need anything before Gaius gets back?"
"No. And even if I did, I can fend for myself." He got to his feet and silently cast his seeing spell, not bothering to hide golden flash of his eyes from Guinevere. "There. See? Now I can see you, too. After a fashion."
She laughed. "I hope I don't look too terrible. My hair is just awful today."
If it was, Merlin couldn't tell. To his inner eye, she was radiant and crowned with silvery light. "You look beautiful. Now go on. You don't want to keep Drusilla waiting. I'll see you tomorrow."