Mr. Harris was waiting just outside of gate 3 at the city's airport, to the side and out of the way of the bustling crowd of holiday goers and businessmen who walked near constantly through the terminal. Despite it being summer the skies had been gray for several days now causing many families to vacation earlier than planned even if it would cost them extra to do so. The government employee couldn't blame them, after all who would want to spend their summer holidays somewhere where the sky was gray and dull?
The Addams's would.
He imagined they were the only Americans for miles, no kilometres around whom like gray miserable days like this one. No doubt they loved lightning storms too.
A thought then popped into Mr. Harris's mind. The Addams's hated sunny days and no doubt hated beaches too, so where would they go on holiday? The Nevada desert? The swamps of Louisiana?
No they weren't further enough a field for a holiday, especially for a family as wealthy as the Addams's.
Siberia maybe, that was desolate and depressing enough that they would no doubt enjoy it. Then again he doubted they'd be able to get the visa to visit it from the Soviets. Papua New Guinea or the Congo seemed like a more reasonable bet. He wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Addams knew some cannibals in either of those backwater places or at the very least a witch doctor.
He was then snapped from his thoughts be the sound of a cough to his right, where as he was met with the sight of Mr. Hahn and Mr. Klarpe. Hahn carrying small suitcase whilst Klarpe carried a suitcases and a briefcase. A frown firmly planted on each of their faces.
"Ah gentlemen it's good to see you arrived here safely." greeted Mr. Harris as he reached out a shoke Mr. Hahn's hand, Klarpe merely nodding in greeting due to both his hands being full.
"Of course we arrived safely. Our jets our far more efficient than your country's jets." said Klarpe.
"Though admittedly not as comfortable." added Hahn before shrugging. "But you can't have everything."
"I hope you enjoyed it at least." stated Mr. Harris, remembering how hard it was to get the two dignitaries to enjoy anything on their previous visit.
"We did not enjoy." replied Klarpe, his frown still on his face.
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that then." replied Mr. Harris, not intending to stay conversing in the airport for long. He just wanted to get the two Soviets to the Addams house and get them out of being his responsibility as soon as possible. "I'll carry your bags to the car." as he reached for Klarpe's bags.
"We carry own bags." said Klarpe affirmatively as he move the bags out of Harris's reach.
"Very well." said Mr. Harris as he turned and motioned for the two of them to follow him, intent on avoiding any issues. "Just follow me to the car then gentlemen, and then it's off to your hosts."
"Average American hosts." added Hahn as the two dignitaries followed suit.
On their way out they passed small café near the entrance of the airport with a queue going all the way out the front door. Mr. Harris merely shoke his head, surely people would have common sense to bring their own food to the airport to avoid such things. The café should be used only by those dropping off family or relatives.
"Ah see that Miri. The Americans are already adopting socialism." commented Klarpe approvingly.
"Interesting. I must make note of that later." replied Hahn. Mr. Harris then stopped and turned around to face the two dignitaries in confusion.
"How on God's green Earth is that socialism. It's just a queue!" said Mr. Harris is a mixture of confusion and frustration.
"Preciously! It's a socialist approach to a till." said Hahn matter of factily whilst Klarpe nodded once in agreement, Mr. Harris merely shaking his head in frustration. No wonder the Cold War was going on so long.
After several minutes of driving they reached the Addams house, Mr. Harris parking the car just outside of the gate. Hahn and Klarpe exited the vehicle at the same time before walking over to the gate, Harris rolling the window down as they did so.
"Well that's it for me fellers. See you in a week and good luck!" said Mr. Harris hastily before he drove off in a hurry, Klarpe merely turning to nod once in acknowledgement whilst Hahn stared up at the house with a concerned look on his face. Smoke was billowing out of an upstairs window.
"Ila there's smoke." said Hahn with a worried expression on his face.
"And? We are strong men! Little smoke does not scare us!" replied Klarpe as he smacked Hahn on the back, knocking him out of staring at the smoke. Hahn should not be scared of smoke, both of them were in Red Army divisions present during the Battle of Berlin and survived. And there was plenty of smoke there!
"Right." replied Hahn, recomposing himself as he did so.
"Now let's us go see our old Average American acquaintances." said Klarpe as he opened the gate and walked confidently into the front yard of the Addams household, Hahn following suit behind him. "See Miri there's nothing to be concerned about."
The moment Klarpe finished speaking the gate slammed shut behind them causing both dignitaries to jump in surprise.
"We forgot about gate." said Hahn.
"Yet we did not forget about bobby trapped doorbell." declared Klarpe as he strolled up to the front door of the Addams house, intent on not falling for another capitalist joke, with Hahn following close on his heels after regaining his nerves. "We knock instead of ring." With that Klarpe reached forward and knocked three times on the large oak door. Shortly after it was opened by their giant robot butler who merely glared and let out a low growled at them.
"We're the two Soviet dignitaries." said Hahn hastily, obviously intimidated by the butler. "Here for visit."
"Follow me." droned the butler as he motioned for them to follow him into the house, which the two Soviets did so. Being startled as the door slammed shut behind them seemingly by itself. However if the two of them had eyes in the back of their heads they would have them a hand come out of a box placed on a nearby table and push the door forcefully before disappearing back into its box.
After about a minute of following the butler through the house the dignitaries were led outside through a back door and round some rather overgrown looking bushes into the back yard, which looked like it stretched a lot further back than they assumed it would be. Klarpe took in his surrounding as the butler went back to shut the door after saying "Wait here" in his deep intimidating voice.
The grass was neatly cut and looked oddly well-kept despite most of it being yellowy beige instead of green. Round the edges of the yard were a jumble of years and bushes of varying species, all of which were thriving, and appeared to hide the full extent of the Addams's land. The Soviet assumed that such a well off family no doubt had at least a couple acres of land at the least. At the far side of the yard was a path which appeared too led to a small private looking cemetery, from what little Klarpe could see from the angle of where he was standing just in front of the stairs which led down from the back door. Surprisingly the only objects in the yard were a shovel, a wrought iron round table and four chairs a bit to the left of the stairs.
To their left were their hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Addams, engaging in a sword fight with what appeared to be fencing swords. Mr. Addams's back was to the two Soviets as he slashed at Mrs. Addams from a variety of different angles, though despite his ferocity and apparent skill every one of his slashes was parried by his wife with little effort, barely moving her sword from its position as an amused smile lit up her features perfectly.
"Do you think they are doing training. For combat prepares?" asked Hahn curiously as he lent over slightly towards Klarpe in an attempt to keep his voice down.
"Maybe, though is odd considering they have disintegrator guns." replied Klarpe as he leaned over towards his comrade slightly for the same reason.
"I'll make note of this later." said Hahn as they continued to watch the couple spar under the depressing gray sky.
"Follow me." said the butler with a grunt once he returned, Klarpe and Hahn immediately following him over towards to sparing Addams's. As they made their way over Mrs. Addams appeared to spot the three of them as she smiled over at them sweetly. Klarpe faintly heard her say "Gomez our guests are here."
Within seconds of her speaking Mr. Addams, obviously named Gomez, swung around and upon seeing them a big smile appeared on his face.
"Glad to see you two made it!" greeted Mr. Addams as he quickly walked over to them, chucking his sword to the butler whilst he did so. The butler caught it by the handle with incredible ease, which Klarpe put down to him being a robot. Klarpe and the head of the household then shoke hands, during which the Soviet briefly put down his briefcase before picking it back up again.
"We are also glad to see that you and your wife are in good health Mr. Addams." said Klarpe as Mrs. Addams walked over to them, her tight black dress reducing her strides to little more than shuffles.
"Please call me Gomez! No need to be so formal." said Gomez happily, a big grin on his face.
"Yes this isn't an embassy." said Mrs. Addams once she reached them, their butler walking round to her side to collect her sword before she addressed him. "Thank you Lurch, just put them over by the back door."
The butler, who Klarpe presumed was Lurch, merely groaned slightly before complying with her request. The beautiful black haired women then faced the two of them, a light smile on her face.
"Thank you for accepting our country's request for us to visit." said Hahn, smiling back at Mrs. Addams. "Both us and our home country hope it isn't an inconvenience for you."
"It's hardly an inconvenience my man!" said Gomez ecstatically.
"We're just doing our bit for international relations." said his wife. "I do hope your flight here was pleasant."
"It was. Food was a bit lacking but that is minor thing." replied Klarpe noticing that Gomez Addams blatantly stared at his wife briefly before turning back to face them, an almost hungry look in his eyes as he spoke.
"Damn, we just finished lunch a couple minutes ago." said Gomez, disappointment clear in his voice before becoming once more happy and excited. "I can get Lurch to whip you two up something if you're hungry."
"No need Mr. Ad…Gomez." said Hahn, correcting himself mid speech. "We ate sufficient."
"Well if you do just ask." replied Gomez before looking over at the nearby table. "Why don't we go sit down gentlemen."
"What a marvellous idea Gomez. It's such a perfect day for sitting outside, gray, cloudy and gloomy." said his wife in agreement.
"Perfect day?" said Klarpe in confusion to Hahn, his comrade merely shrugged in response. Gomez then led his black clad wife over to the wrought iron table and chairs, Klarpe and Hahn following behind them shortly after.
Once they reached the table Gomez pulled out one of the chairs for his wife to it in, causing her to smile at him in gratefully before he was sat down himself. The two Soviet dignitaries put their two suitcases to the side of the table before they sat down two, Klarpe keeping his briefcase on his lap.
"Lurch could you please take the gentlemen's bags up to the guest room." called Gomez, the huge butler appearing within a second of being summoned. Picking up the bags and heading back inside the house with little more than another groan.
"So how has life been in average American household whilst we've been gone?" asked Klarpe, a joking tone to his voice as he said the word American.
"Great! Our house avoided demolition, Mrs. Addams got to decorate our new neighbour's home, Pugsley has finally mastered the oboe, Lurch learnt to dance and we've spent many a lovely day relaxing." said Mr. Addams, leaning over towards his wife slightly. "Haven't we Cara Mia?"
"We certainly have Darling. So many days with gray cloudy skies, rain and even a couple thunder storms." replied his wife in agreement.
"Remember the storm last Thursday Tish." said Gomez, his eyes gleaming with the glint fire.
"How could I not. It was such a perfect storm." said Mrs. Addams, shivering slightly as she remembered it before smiling seductively at him. "Such a perfect night to visit the graveyard."
"You looked so beautiful Tish as the rain ran down your hair." said Gomez as he leant over to his wife even more and grabbed her arm, pulling her towards him slightly as he did so before he planted several kisses on her arm.
"Darling we have company." said Mrs. Addams, a small smirk on her face as she turned to face a slightly flushed Klarpe and Hahn.
"Ah of course." said Gomez, realising his wife's arm and recomposing himself in the process. "Sorry about that gentleman, I just get carried away sometimes."
"As we can see." muttered Hahn.
Morticia merely smiled as she watched and listened to her husband and the two Soviets converse with one another, having been heavily involved in conversation for the past three hours. The bulky muscly one, Ila Klarpe she believed his name was, and Gomez were the main ones doing the talking, which mainly came down to Klarpe asking question and Gomez answering them. The thinner one, Hahn as she had not heard his first name yet, was mostly adding to what Klarpe said. Obviously the follower rather than the leader.
She was merely content to watch, snipping one of four cups of tea Lurch had brought them a few minutes before hand. Every now and then she injected with a comment but for the most part she let the three men be. They were talking world politics and issues happening in faraway countries, keeping a very civil polite attitude as they did so, something she didn't concern herself with. Gomez was the one who dealt with the outside world whilst she was the one who dealt with the inside world, what modern housewife had time for the world when they was busy ordering things a modern everyday American family needs? Like dynamite, henbane and cyanide?
"Ah haha so true Gomez, those Congolese really are an odd bunch." said Klarpe in response to something Gomez had said.
"Odder than odd." added Hahn.
"True but they aren't that bad. We know a nice witch doctor over there, don't we Morticia?" said Gomez as he looked over at her.
"Ah yes, doctor pogo. Not the best witch doctor but he does send us the most marvellous gifts every now and then." replied Morticia with a smile.
"Like the drum he sent us for Pugsley. Remember how much he loved banging on it Cara Mia?" said Gomez ecstatically.
"Of course I do. He always made it sound like you were about to be crushed by a stampede of wildebeest." replied Morticia with a smile at the memory. Her thoughts were then interupted by a cough from Klarpe.
"Speaking of gifts." interupted Klarpe as he put his briefcase on the table as pushed it over towards Gomez. "We wish for you to have these."
Ever the curious one Gomez opened up the suitcase, marvelling at its contents. Morticia leaned over slightly to get a look inside the case, but due to the angle her husband had it at she could only glimpse a metallic shine of one of the items and little more.
"You shouldn't have old man." said Gomez happily as he took out a plate one of several items within the briefcase. It was a bright shade of red with yellow wording round its rim, the words were as follows: Colonel Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin. First man in space and greatest of the cosmonauts. 12 April 1961. In the middle of the plate was a picture of the cosmonaut in question with a space background behind him, a big happy smile lighting up the whole plate, with his spacecraft Vostok 1 flying above him. "This is top class!"
"Ah but we should have Gomez. Consider if a gift from us, our Premier and the Soviet people." replied Klarpe somewhat humbly. "A gift of thanks for allowing both us and our people to learn more about average American life."
"Still you needn't have done such a thing. We're merely doing our part for international relations." said Morticia, gratitude coming through her voice as Gomez turned the case so she could look instead it after he put the plate back in it. Inside the briefcase were six of those plates, all identical and complete with a full set of cutlery and glasses. The glasses were quite simple in comparison to the plates; their only decoration was a picture of a factory worker swinging a hammer down onto an anvil on the side of each glass. She quite liked the set as whole, lots of nice red shades and it was unlike anything they had in their home. "But nevertheless we thank you for your generous gift."
"The Premier also wanted you to have this." said Hahn as he reached in his breast pocket and withdrew a small picture frame, before pushing it across the table to them. Gomez reached for it and held it up so both him and Morticia could see the picture contained within. It was of a bald man wearing a suit who was waving at the camera, a huge smile on his face as he did so. "It is a picture of him."
"He looks like a delightful fellow." commented Gomez happily as he placed the picture down on the table. "Right Morticia?"
"Yes he does darling." agreed Morticia. The man ever so slightly reminded her of Uncle Fester, which she put down to the baldness and big happy smile on his face. "We should really invite in round for lunch someday."
"An excellent idea Tish!" declared her husband ecstatically, Morticia smiling at his in response. There was the childlike excitement again that she loved so much. "I'll arrange that with the boys down at Washington sometime. I have a couple friends there who owe me favours."
"I..I'm sure the Premier would love that." said Hahn, a mixture of confusion and unsureness in his voice.
"Of course he would Miri." added Klarpe as he smacked his companion on his back with a chuckle. "The Premier loves visiting the people."
Morticia then remembered that it was almost time to prepare their dinner, having almost forgot it due to getting caught up in the conversation.
"Anyway you must excuse me gentlemen. I have to go prepare dinner." said Morticia as she stood up from her chair, a small smirk of happiness gracing her perfect red lips as she looked at the three men. "We're having leg of octopus."
"Pugsley's favourite!" added Gomez happily as he gazed both at her picturesquely pale face.
"Leg of octopus." said Klarpe in what appeared to be shock, or at least Morticia assumed it was shock judging by the expressions on both his and Hahn's faces. Their expressions confused her. What was so strange about having an octopus leg for dinner?
"Of course it's a delicious meal. So slimy and squishy." stated Morticia matter of factily as she felt a light breeze blow through her hair. Then a thought came to her. Maybe the two gentlemen were shocked because they didn't eat octopus back in their country, and were as such unused to average American dishes.
"You've always got to make sure you get the purple one though." lectured Gomez as he turned from Morticia to the two Soviets. "The other colours are poisonous. That's how we lost Cousin Shrimp."
"L..lost." said Hahn rather nervously with a gulp.
"Of course. Colour blindness kills you know." replied Morticia before she turned and walked back towards their home, taking care to not trip over in her tight fitting dress.
As she walked away she heard Klarpe speak one last time.
"Miri make note. Always buy purple octopus."
Dinner had been rather uneventful. Other than being introduced to each family member and miscellaneous chatter little happened. Klarpe had been more concerned with not finding out what his food was, knowing that he would almost throw up if the Mrs. Addams told him what he was eating. Much like Hahn did after he had the unfortunate pleasure to be informed by her that a piece of meat he'd been enjoying wasn't beef but rather that it was tongue of polar bear.
Though the octopus leg had been surprisingly tasty despite how it looked, which he had of course got Hahn to make a note on. But Klarpe had refused a second helping once he noticed that Gomez's leg of octopus wiggled at one point.
Now the two of them were being led to the guest room by Mrs. Addams, who'd taken it upon herself to show them there. And Klarpe kept his eyes firmly focused up and forwards as he followed her, intent on ignoring the urge to look down at a certain particular part of her body as she walked ahead of both him and Hahn. He was a dignitary of the USSR not some lowly peasant who was unable to keep such primitive urges under control!
Finally they reached a fairly non-descript oak door which Mrs. Addams opened and stepped through into a small room, the two dignitaries following behind her. The room's walls were decorated with green wallpaper, not at all unlike the wallpaper which covered the wall along the stairs in the living room. On the right side of the room were two metal single beds, each with emaqulet green and white bedding and a small mahogany bedside table. Their suitcases placed besides said tables. Opposite the beds was a dresser with a cracked mirror placed on the wall above it. In the centre of the wall opposite the door was a fairly sizeable window which gave them a view out of the Addams's back yard and beyond.
All in all it was a surprisingly nice room as far as a room in this house went.
"I had Lurch fix it up a bit. I hope it's to your liking." said Mrs. Addams kindly as she turned to face them.
"Of course it is Mrs. Addams." said Klarpe.
"It's better than we imagined it would be." said Hahn, eyes darting around the room a little suspiciously, which the black haired woman thankfully did not notice.
"I'll leave you two gentlemen to get unpacked." said Mrs. Addams as she headed back through the doorway, before turning around to face them with a kind smile on her face.
"If you two need anything just scream."
"S..scream." stuttered out Hahn nervously after Mrs. Addams had left.
"Relax Miri. The woman is merely telling a little joke." reassured Klarpe as he headed over to his suitcase. "She's merely pulling your leg."
"If you say so." replied Hahn as he too headed over to his suitcase, his expression suspicious.
"Now let's us unpack before consulting our orders from head intelligence office." said Klarpe, letting out a yawn as he opened his suitcase.
The orders had been very simple, mostly instructions about how they should act, things they were allowed to talk about and an order to write a detailed report on every day's events. However two instructions stood out from the rest. The first one was that they were to search the entire guest room for listening devices, which Klarpe and Hahn did. They pulled out ever drawer in the dresser, tipped it upside down, took the mirror off the wall and examined it, completely took the bedding off the beds and examined every millimetre of the room.
Surprisingly they found nothing. However since it was unusual for the Americans to not try bug a room they were staying in Klarpe told Hahn to be careful what he said just in case it was bugged after all.
The second instruction which stood out was that they were to search for and locate a suitable escape route in case war between the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and the United States of America, the closing of their embassy in Washington or any crisis. Which was why Klarpe and Hahn were now walking around the Addams Family's home so late at night, being careful to not make even the smallest of sounds.
"We should go back Ila. We've found nothing and it's getting too late." said Hahn, snapping Klarpe from is thoughts. "Hosts get suspicious if we tired in morning."
"Well I suppose no one back in Moscow would know if we didn't find an escape route on the first night." said Klarpe, pondering his opinions briefly. "Very well. We head back to room."
The two Soviet dignitaries swiftly turned on their heels and headed back the way they had come, through the maze that the Addams household. After a few minutes of walking they were passing a closed door upstairs when they heard a crash from within the room, causing the two men to freeze in their tracks. Slowly they put their ears to the door.
"Oh Gomez you're so relentless." said a sultry voice they both immediately recognized.
"Haha of course my dear. You know what you're French does to me." said an excited happy voice they too recognised, which turned briefly sheepish. "Sorry about causing us to…you know…fall on the floor though."
"It's no problem darling. The floor is more comfortable anyway." said the same sultry voice. "Besides it brings a certain chez la ambiance, does it not?"
"Tish that's French!" said the second voice again, before the sounds of kisses and several moans were heard.
Both Klarpe and Hahn pulled their heads away from the door immediately. If it hadn't been so dark they would have seen the redness on each other's faces.
"We never mention this ever again." whispered Klarpe. Hahn merely nodded quickly in reply.
The two dignitaries then walked down the hall towards the guest room, both intent of forgetting what they had heard and the images it conjured up in their heads.
Thank you to everyone who has read this far. I've hoped you enjoyed the first two chapters, that everyone is in character and that the plot and dialogue has been interesting/entertaining. Any suggestions you may have are welcome of course!
I'm not too happy with how the ending came out. I feel the idea was good but the execution less so, but that's for you the reader to decide. Just a side note: I found something online saying that the two soviet dignitaries names were Ilk Klarpe (Stanley Adams) and Miri Hahn (Vito Scotti) and I went with it since I don't believe etheir names are ever said in the episode, or at least if they were I missed them.