Love Sprung from Words

Warmth

When Irisviel von Einzbern first met Kiritsugu Emiya, there was only a handful of things she knew. One was her purpose as the Vessel of the Holy Grail. One was to recognize threats against her and survive them, and such recognition had been written into her blood like a permutation, a series of logical pathways, without anything like instinct involved.

Another thing was pain.

That was something she had awoken to since the beginning, when Grandfather Acht cut into her, fresh from the cultivating tank, to analyze her Magic Circuits. Really, it hadn't been all that much worse when Kiritsugu had played against her instinctive expectations and struck her during their first proper meeting as a test of her ability to recognize and respond to danger. Even as he had raised his hand, prepared to strike, there had been no thought in her head that he would actually bring that hand down, until it had already happened.

In fact, she felt she had already come to understand him, from when she had first truly glimpsed him through red amniotic fluid while still incubating in her cultivating tank. There had been a voice other than the one she had first heard—Grandfather Acht's, that voice that had guided her towards being. This new voice had presented a cold mechanicalness no different from her own, yet her sensitivities, even then sharpening before she'd emerged, picked up on something…warmer. Though at the time, she thought of this as nothing more than something that she just happened to observe, nothing more.

But then…Grandfather had come to her shortly after her and Kiritsugu's first time speaking with each other in person, seeing to the bruise on her cheek where she'd been struck. And he instructed her, after he'd treated it, to follow him to one of the exits that led directly out from the Alchemy Chambers, where he'd had two of the other Einzbern homunculus maids strip her down, blindfold her, and take her out into the freezing, storming snow, proclaiming that if she could return to the castle alive, then she would prove her strength and durability as a homunculus to "our Mage-Killer Emiya".

Though the cold was painful too, Irisviel felt no fear, even as she could see nothing because of the blindfold, and her feet staggered beneath her as the two maids guided her through the snow. Even when they finally stopped, and one of the maids took the blindfold off while the other struck her much like Kiritsugu had and, even as she was prone and shivering, and was easily overcome and fell to her knees. Even when she looked up, blinking snow out of her eyes, and the two maids were already gone.

No, not even then she felt fear. Just the instinct to do whatever it took to survive, just as she had been programmed. There was nothing but certainty that she would easily manage to complete this test of Grandfather's.

Then the wolves appeared, all while Irisviel herself found she was going in circles trying to pick her way through the storming forest. She recognized the threat, knew this was something she would have to eliminate in order to survive, for she could not outrun it. She made an attempt with her alchemy, and though even so newly born, she was already so skillful with it, she could not take all of the wolves out with one blow. In her haste to get away and regroup, she scratched her leg on a jagged bit of tree that stuck up out of the frozen ground, and was forced to limp for cover, trailing blood through the snow behind her. She used alchemy to throw off her pursers again, and this time, all remaining wolves were run through by the hairs with which she infused with "life" in order to attack them. Those few that survived were forced to limp just as she had been doing, and retreat.

Drained of strength and breathing hard, Irisviel crawled the rest of the way to where she found shelter in a pocket of empty space beneath a tangle of tree roots. She slid underneath and curled up, covering herself with snow as much as she could, understanding that the snow would actually serve to keep her warm if used in this way. But even as she tried, she passed out from blood loss, cold, and exhaustion before she could completely cover herself.

And then all she knew was darkness, as she had before she had been called into being. The rest was a haze. Though she did hear the voice of Kiritsugu Emiya, she couldn't really make out what he was saying, everything was so distorted. Yet, she did sense that warmth again in his tone, just underneath that coldness. In fact, it was even more pronounced here. And then, even stranger was how that warmth became physical and enveloped itself around her, and Irisviel cracked her eyes open just enough to see that she was wrapped in that coat of Kiritsugu's, and that Kiritsugu himself had her cradled in his arms. He was looking off somewhere far away, likely trying to find the castle again in this storm, yet the warmth of his arms contradicted the coldness of his eyes.

After that, Irisviel knew nothing more as she passed out again and awoke with little memory of what had really happened and how she had gotten back to the castle.

And there was Kiritsugu, looking her over with something she did not understand in his pale face. Had he been watching over her?

When he told her what had happened, how he had sought her out and pulled her out of that snowstorm, that "ridiculous test" Acht had given her, again his voice was edged with cold, but again there was also warmth, somehow, in how low he spoke, how carefully, as if he thought that simply speaking up would break her. And there was something else underneath too, something else that was new, and earnest, something that was fiercely bursting to break free, and it created a shining light that burned deep in the depths of those dark, fathomless eyes of his, as bright as the flames crackling in the nearby fireplace, as he told her how angry she ought to be for what Acht had done to her, that in order to be truly strong, she would have to understand something like "anger" and what it meant to be angry for the sake of having happiness in one's life taken away, that he would teach her how the world beyond Einzbern Castle worked in order for her to properly understand it, if need be.

Well, whatever it was, it was something…she didn't want to see disappear. No, she did not want. She wanted it to stay, she who had not been created with anything like personal desire in mind. Was it because of Kiritsugu's presence? Did relating to a human being like him awaken things in her that he somehow planted, without having had a hand in originally creating her? Or maybe this was all a variable that Grandfather Acht had not accounted for in his formulas?

Whatever it was, from there, everything else grew and bloomed. Irisviel began to feel warm just simply by looking at Kiritsugu, not just when she would listen to him speak. And indeed, as time went on, and he insisted on teaching her everything he could about the world so she could understand the concept of anger, his voice grew gentler and warmer with each passing lesson. It was something he unfolded from himself to show her, tentatively and furtively, particularly when he started to do more of that thing called "smiling", which Irisviel found she wanted to share in. She began to feel other warm things, like "anticipation", and that "happiness" he had mentioned too.

And it was all because of this man, who held out a warm hand to her to lead her into a world she would have never even thought of, let alone revel in getting to know. That and it sparked such curiosity within her that she began to seek out books to read beyond what he suggested to her in their lessons.

She riffled through these books eagerly, and Kiritsugu observed this in her one afternoon when he himself was leafing through books in a ponderous way, while the two of them spent their day as usual in the Einzberns' grand and ornate private library.

"What's this? You're acting like some wild idea's taken hold of you," he said in that tone that he called "teasing", something harmless and fun, amusing. Irisviel found she enjoyed that too, because sometimes he would do that thing called "laughing" too, and she thoroughly enjoyed hearing that sound from him, a deep rich sound that was sincere, raw, and pure.

Irisviel paused in her digging through the stack of books on the library table, glancing at where Kiritsugu sat in his chair by the fire, smiling, now unabashedly at her.

"Maaaaaaaaybe," she said, trying her own hand at teasing as she returned his smile. "But…it's a…secret…" she added hastily, amateurishly.

Kiritsugu only laughed that laugh of his, that laugh that was so full of warmth it created a strangely pleasant ache in Irisviel's artificially made heart. "I see. But, is there no way I can coax it out of you?" He closed his book and laid it aside.

Irisviel blinked. "'Coax'?"

"Gently convince you."

"Ah. Well, no…because…then it wouldn't be a secret! Right?"

Despite her suddenly growing—what was that term? Yes, flustered—despite her growing suddenly flustered, Kiritsugu just laughed again and agreed to let it be, and from there Irisviel, satisfied, cracked open a book called "Human Contact", and found the word, "love". Her eager heart began to beat faster, and as she read on, she grew increasingly fervent in her quest for knowledge, only to turn the page too fast and slice the tip of her index finger open on the corner of the page, where a stinging pain sprang forth, followed by the cool wet flow of a small bead of crimson blood.

"Oh!"

"Irisviel?" Kiritsugu looked up from where he'd taken up his book again, set it aside and rose from his chair when he saw how she was staring at her bleeding finger and desperately seeking something to stopper it with as her survival instincts kicked in.

"What's the matter with your finger?" Kiritsugu asked, crossing over to her at the table.

Irisviel, resorting to pinching the wound closed as best as she could with the thumb and forefinger of her other hand, looked up at him apologetically. "I…cut it open."

"Let me see."

Kiritsugu knelt down in front of her chair and she meekly laid her hand with the bleeding finger in the warm palm he offered her.

After he looked it over, he said, "Looks like a papercut."

"Yes."

"Nothing we can't patch up though," he said, giving her his smile again, and before she knew it he'd bent his head towards her finger and was touching his lips to it, sucking the blood off.

Irisviel felt a thrill inside her at him touching her this way, but he was very mechanical about it, focused. Then he instructed her to pinch it as she'd been doing before while he went to procure some kind of bandage, calling for one of the maids to bring a basic First Aid kit. There, he took a chair beside her at the table, and she let him cradle her wounded hand in his as he carefully applied some kind of balm and then wrapped the simple papercut in a strip of gauze and tied it off.

"It would seem your physiology doesn't respond to normal antibiotics," Kiritsugu observed aloud in a very clinical tone as he looked over his handiwork.

"Yes, that balm you put on was specifically designed for wounds on a homunculus," said Irisviel.

"Well, as long as it functions well for you, that's all that matters." And then he smiled at her again, and this time, Irisviel felt that she wanted something more from that smile, something more than wanting…it was…desire.

Eagerly, Irisviel went back to reading all she could lay her hands on that mentioned the subject of love, though without much guidance, she couldn't get as far as she'd have liked to. But then, that turned out to be just as well, as she also felt the need to broach the subject with Kiritsugu.

At first though, Kiritsugu expressed that he was strongly against the idea. Was it because she briefly contemplated the idea of trying to love him? Well, it did feel logical, really, in that she did find him to be an interesting person, the kind of person she actually wanted to really get to know. It should follow that there was potential for her to fall in love with him if she attempted to do so, right?

Yet Kiritsugu seemed…frightened by the idea.

Irisviel didn't understand, but she didn't want him to worry so much about it either.

After all…put in terms her grandfather might have expressed…it was more or less just…an experiment.

But then things changed.

Every day, through Kiritsugu—albeit reluctantly—teaching her about the concept of love, she learned a little more about what kind of man he was, as she had been doing since day one of their lessons together. And something warm awoke inside her, just being around him, speaking with him, listening to him, watching him listen to her, interacting with him. At the same time, something about him opened up for her, something that brought out that smile of his that felt so special for some reason, and made her feel just so wonderfully warm, deep in her heart.

Was that where it started? Perhaps. With each passing moment she spent with him, Irisviel became more aware of it, and sharply so. However, she knew how much she began to feel it not just with a mere pleasant stirring, but with what could only be described as a "sweet ache" one morning when she went to the library after consulting as usual with grandfather in the Alchemy Chamber, as she caught the notes of what sounded like what Kiritsugu had called "music" floating from within.

Bursting with excitement, she hurried her footsteps to hear this new—what was it? Oh yes, "CD", or "compact disc"—that he had brought in. But…something made her stop, hold her breath, even as her heart within her fluttered like a nervous bird. Was…this love too? She hoped very much so, because…she realized in that moment…that it was a far more powerful and wondrous feeling than she ever could have imagined. And maybe that was a fatal mistake on her part, but she could not feel what they called regret over it either, at least not now, when it was so fresh and new to her.

It sounded like a beautiful orchestral arrangement, and somehow, it gave her the feeling like her heart was being lifted up high into the sky, making it beat faster. Something prickled at the corner of her eyes, and her throat grew tight, yet she couldn't help but smile. Was this what it meant to feel two things at once? To feel happy…and sad…at the exact same time?

Peering inside the library, being quiet as a mouse, she found Kiritsugu sat on the sofa with his hands folded under his chin, wearing a muted expression of gentle sobriety as he looked off to a place that she couldn't see. What was he thinking? She really wanted to know so badly, wanted him to share that with her, and then maybe…she could…coax out that smile of his that she really liked seeing more and more. Though, if truth be told, she could probably look at his face no matter what for a very long time and never grow anything like bored of it. She was very much fascinated and drawn to it, that pale, angular face and thick dark hair that expressed such gravity, yet changed so incredibly when he gave her that soft smile that was what they called…kind.

And then he caught sight of her, his ears pricking up, his face surprised, maybe even a little flustered.

Irisviel was too, and she withdrew, throwing out a meek and hasty apology.

"No, no, it's fine," he reassured her, standing and turning down the volume on the stereo playing the music. "Please, Irisviel…come in. This is the newest CD I had brought in, I just…felt like listening to it myself."

Relieved that he wasn't anything like angry or upset, Irisviel happily stepped into the library and shut the door behind her, meeting Kiritsugu at the stereo. She joined him when he resumed his seat on the sofa after they bid "good morning" to each other.

"The song I was listening to is called 'Ave Maria'," he explained, as said song quietly played on at a very low volume on the stereo. "It was written by a composer named Franz Schubert."

"Ah." Irisviel caressed one of the speakers thoughtfully. "And when do the words come in?" So far, all the songs Kiritsugu had played for her had had someone singing words in them.

But Kiritsugu shook his head, smiling that smile of his. "There are no words in this version. For a very long time, the music people listened to often didn't have any words, or lyrics rather. Every emotion that the song wanted to convey was done through the instruments alone. Now, sometimes there might be a vocal accompaniment—Ave Maria has one, the words to the Roman Catholic prayer of the same name—but oftentimes it was just as meaningful to listen to it without words."

"Yes," said Irisviel, remembering all she had felt just upon hearing such notes being played. "How…breathtaking. Incredible."

"I guess…in that way, music can be a lot like how people communicate with and relate to each other…without words," Kiritsugu mused.

"Amazing," sighed Irisviel.

"Yes." Kiritsugu passed a hand over his face. "That prayer that comprises the words to accompany the song, the Ave Maria, or Hail Mary…is a call to that Blessed Mother to help those who need it most…and when I say 'Blessed Mother', I mean the mother of Jesus Christ, of course, but anyway…maybe that alone gave it the power to be something so comforting in its expression."

"Comforting?"

"Yes."

Their eyes met, and Irisviel held her breath again, fully understanding, somehow, just how much it meant that his attitude had changed so much from the cold, machine-like man she had first met. There was a light in those dark eyes that she was seeing more and more, soft and warm like a candle flame.

Comforting.

Irisviel felt her heart flutter again, and she twiddled her fingers out these new nerves that had taken hold of her. "Can we…listen to more?" she asked.

"You like it?" Kiritsugu's tone suggested that he might have been concerned that she wouldn't, somehow.

It was her turn to reassure him, and she smiled. "Yes, I do. It's…beautiful."

"Hm."

And then her heart fluttered even more when she thought she caught something more in that soft light in his eyes, an almost…reaching out. Did he…feel that thing called…desire too? That warmth? The idea that he might…made her both excited and timid at the exact same time.

She watched him as he reached over and gently turned up the volume to the track again, and Irisviel soon forgot her nerves as she grew comfortable just sitting with him like this, listening to such rich and beautiful music that was beyond explaining in mere words. Her red eyes passed over his hands, the lines of his face, his hair, and she couldn't help notice that he was letting his eyes look her over too, and somehow neither of them seemed to mind too much. Even Kiritsugu seemed to remember his modesty more quickly than she, she who had only begun to learn the meaning of things like modesty.

Still, even as Irisviel found she very much wanted to know what would happen if she tried to slide her fingers in his, she refrained. She found that she sensed that she might…"scare him off" if she did something like that, and she didn't want that.

She was no less pleased though when there came a sunny day when Kiritsugu invited her to simply take a walk with him out in the Einzberns' woods. That was the day they came across the nest of dead baby birds, and for the first time, Irisviel cried outright. Even with her limited understanding of death, there was something inherently sad about the idea of a lifeform that had just begun life to have that life snatched away already.

But as she crouched there crying, she heard Kiritsugu call to her as he stood helplessly behind her, uttering a very tiny sobriquet for her that carried its own warmth:

"Iri."

Then he was there, wrapping her up in the warmth of his arms. At first she instinctively wanted to withdraw, thinking of that day when her Cousin Malte tried to force himself physically on her when she didn't want it. But then she relaxed when she felt the gentility of how he held her against him, carefully, as if he were afraid he might break her, actually.

And he was so warm. He made her feel so safe with her own vulnerable feelings, like she could bear such sadness because he was holding her like this.

"This is all I can do for you, right now," he told her softly, hoarsely.

So Irisviel accepted it. Felt even that he had saved her again, as he had saved her from the cold snow that stormy day. And it was more than warm gratitude that she felt then. It was something more. She wanted very much to stay with him this way for a long while, but he broke off the embrace far too soon, encouraging her to her feet and helping her up, walking with her onward through the forest. Though she felt a little embarrassed now that she had cried over the baby birds, somehow, Kiritsugu seemed to understand without having to say much.

Then he slid his gloved hand in hers, and seemed intent on pulling away when he became afraid that she might not want him to, but she assured him that it was all right. Even if she couldn't find words to speak for still feeling upset over the birds, she found she could communicate without words, nodding and squeezing his hand back. And that flooded her heart with warmth, even in her melancholy.

I'm thinking…Kiritsugu Emiya…that I love you…and I hope…you love me too…because if you don't…I don't know where I could go from there…. I only know that I would be sad and angry…because of love…because love…is stronger than anger…because anger…and sorrow…and grief…all come from love….

From there she felt her melancholy grow from her uncertainty about how Kiritsugu might feel about her. But he, thinking she was still sad about the birds, offered one day to teach her how to dance a dance called the waltz, and then he realized…and she realized….

Though he tried to pull away again, perplexingly afraid of his own feelings—but then maybe it wasn't so perplexing, for she found somehow that she was kind of afraid of her feelings too—when she convinced him to offer her something called a "kiss", which he considered to be something sacred among all the expressions of love that existed, at first he was rough with her, as though he were trying to push her away in his own insecurity. It hurt when he practically bit her in doing so, but then she sought to show him her own feelings back, clinging to him even when he tried to deter her efforts, pressing forward with the warmth of her own lips, despite her inexperience, despite this being her very first kiss.

But this got him to soften, and he offered that softness and warmth back to her, as his smell of leather and the faint whisper of cigarettes filled her, electrified her, made her feel lit up with a warm glow that she wanted to float in with him forever, holding onto him this way.

"Kiritsugu…I love you," she told him.

"Yes…and I love you too…Iri," he told her back, his warmth flooding her.

She lingered in this warm light, relishing—relishing—in the feel of his warmth, the pounding of his heart next to her as he pressed her gently against her chest, the sound of his breathing so close to her, as shallow as hers, yet the way their rhythms matched was somehow binding between them. Even as it still made her tremble with fear, she trembled with joy at the exact same time, and when she looked up at him, she found what she hoped she would, that smile of his that seemed so afraid to come out, yet clearly longed to.

He reached up and touched the side of her face, his hand so warm that she reached up and covered it with her own.

And for a while, indeed, they stayed that way, unspeaking, and Irisviel mused that if all that was passing between them now were somehow turned into music, it would create a piece that would transcend in warmth and beauty far beyond even that of the divine Ave Maria.