ONE

So this is what it felt like.

Haley James Scott, like every single person in the world before her, had once or twice entertained the idea of what life would be like if she lost everything. The reality was definitely not what she had expected. She thought it might be like it was in the movies. You know, the women, falling to the ground, screaming out their broken hearts, weeping until they couldn't anymore.

Haley had screamed. She had cried. She didn't bother anymore.

Or maybe it was that shining moment, where someone stood back up and dusted themselves off. Yes, their life was forever, drastically altered, but something good would come from it. It had to.

There was nothing good about this. Not a damn thing.

Haley couldn't feel anything anymore. Yes, she had cried when they told her the news. She had fallen to her knees, crying out, screaming, begging God to let it not be true.

God must have been busy that day.

Haley had sobbed, yelling to anyone who would listen that it just couldn't be. There was no possible way this had happened to her. She was dreaming; soon, she'd wake up.

She was still waiting to do that, by the way.

It wasn't true. It couldn't be. There was no way that Nathan Scott, former NBA star, Haley's high school sweetheart, her one true love, her husband, the father of her children, could be gone.

But he was.

His life had been brutally cut short. With one single bullet, a Russian madman had taken her Nathan away, and Haley was left behind, left to pick up the pieces of her shattered life, to find some way to move on.

She couldn't even find all the pieces anymore. She'd seen them at first, but as the light had grown dim, she'd stopped looking.

Nathan had been gone for three months. Haley could barely remember what had happened in that time. Somehow, her friends had heard the news. And they'd all come to her. Brooke and Julian, with their boys. Quinn and Clay, with little Logan. Lucas and Peyton, who had been taking care of Haley's children, had flown in with their daughter Sawyer, and Jamie and Lydia.

Haley's children. The son who acted exactly like his father. The daughter with her father's intense blue eyes. Honestly, Haley couldn't remember the last time she'd seen them. They lived in the same house, down the same hallway, but Haley just couldn't bear to get out of bed anymore. The kids reminded her too much of Nathan. And the thought that he wouldn't be around to see them grow up was too much for Haley to bear.

At least, it used to be. When she was still able to feel.

She was numb now. Her sister Quinn had moved back in, bringing her fiance Clay, and Clay's son Logan with her. Her sister Taylor had even stopped by, once a long time ago, to check on her. And Haley had forced a smile, saying she was fine.

She didn't even bother anymore. What was the point?

Quinn James gave the pot of pasta one last stir, then turned to yell up the stairs.

"Jamie! Logan! Lunch is ready!"

A smile crossed her face as she heard the thunder of little footsteps coming down the stairs. The boys slid into the kitchen, big smiles on their faces. Jamie hopped up on his stool.

"Aunt Quinn, I think this is it."
"What, Jimmy-Jam?"

Jamie's smile seemed to light up the room.

"I think Mama's going to get up today."

Oh, Quinn's heart ached at the hopefulness of her nephew. She put on a smile for him, dishing the macaroni and cheese onto his plate. She gave Logan some, too, his dark brown gaze watching her every move. She leaned over the counter to run a finger down his nose, and he smiled. They were still getting used to each other, she and Logan. But it was working. Clay came walking into the kitchen, with Lydia in his arms. Quinn smiled.

"How's my sweet baby?"
"Oh, I'm fine, honey. Thanks for asking."

Jamie laughed from the bar, and Quinn gave Clay a quick kiss before taking the baby from him.

"I meant the girl, Evans. But I guess you, too."

He winked at the boys at the bar, snagging a bite of mac and cheese from Logan's plate. Logan giggled, and Clay ruffled his short hair. Quinn settled Lydia in her high chair, and began to feed her. She tossed her hair back over her shoulders and flashed a smile at the boys.

"So, what's on the agenda for today?"

Jamie exchanged a look with Clay.

"Rivercourt! Uncle Clay, you promised!"
"Yeah, Daddy. You promised."

Clay nodded, letting out a sigh with a smile.

"I did promise."

Quinn smiled at him.

"Could you drop Lydia with Brooke on your way? She wanted to get Lydia and the twins together again. Something about a photo shoot?"

Clay shrugged his shoulders, then nodded to Quinn.

"We could do that. What are you going to do?"

Quinn looked back at Clay, and simply raised her eyes. He sighed and nodded, then walked over to her. He bent down to her ear.

"Today, Q."
"That's what Jamie said. Maybe she'll get up today."
"I hope so."

Quinn smiled as Clay kissed her cheek.

"Me, too."

They finished up their lunch, and Clay corralled the kids into the car. They waved at Quinn until they couldn't see her anymore, and she turned to go back into the house. She walked into the kitchen, stopping short with a gasp.

"Hales?"

Haley looked up from the bowl Jamie had left behind. Quinn smiled.

"You're up."

Haley didn't say anything, and Quinn tried not to let shock color her expression. Haley was so thin. Dangerously so, if she would tell the truth. Her hair was messy, from not being dealt with in so long. That wasn't the problem, though.

The problem was Haley's eyes. The once-beautiful, nearly dark chocolate-colored eyes of her little sister were now empty. They had grown dull and dim, nearly lifeless. Quinn sighed.

Once before, when their mother had died, Haley just couldn't shake off the sadness. Depression had set in, and Nathan had just barely been able to pull her out of it. Nathan wasn't around this time, and Quinn had worried for months. But this was a turnaround. A step in the right direction.

Quinn coaxed Haley to the couch, and they sat together, watching daytime television while Quinn gently brushed the tangles from Haley's hair. Quinn gently braided Haley's hair as she talked, about the kids, how Lucas and Peyton were seriously talking about going back to L.A., Brooke's brilliant new children's clothing line, and how she was in talks to get Clothes Over Bros back.

Haley never said a word.

Quinn told Haley about the day the boys had planned, playing basketball at the Rivercourt. She left out the little detail of the name change, though. The Nathan Scott Memorial Rivercourt might be just too much for Haley to hear right then. It was almost too much for Quinn. Just before 6:00, Quinn told Haley that the boys would get home soon, and Brooke would be by to drop Lydia back. The doorbell rang, and Quinn went to answer the door.

Brooke Davis Baker had a big smile on her face.

"Hey, Quinn! Sorry to drop and run, but the boys are in the car."
"It's all right. See you, Brooke!"

Brooke waved as she hurried back to her car. Quinn smiled at Lydia.

"Baby girl, have I got a surprise for you!"

Quinn hurried inside, carrying Lydia into the living room.

"Lydia, say hi to…"

Quinn looked around, and heard the door close upstairs. She let out a long sigh, and held Lydia close, kissing her forehead.

"Maybe tomorrow, sweetheart."

Late that night, Haley stared out the window, looking into the pool for what seemed like hours. She remembered when they moved into the house, how Nathan insisted on the pool, with the basketball painted in the bottom. She remembered him teaching Jamie how to swim in it, and how he used to push Lydia around on a float just after she was born.

At least, she thought she remembered. Everything in her mind ran together now. And if her thoughts weren't running together, one thought dominated, flashing in her mind over all the others.

Nathan is gone. He'll never come back.

Haley was so tired. She slept all the time, but she was still so tired. The thought of never seeing Nathan again, never hearing him say her name, never feel him kiss her again… Haley just could not think of that.

Because if she were being literal, she could see him again. She would hear him, and kiss him, and then she would be able to breathe again. She didn't want to, but she really had no other choice.

Haley stepped away from the window and quietly made her way down the hall. She gently turned a doorknob, pushing the door open to see Jamie, sound asleep in his bed. She shut the door behind her, and walked directly across the hall. She held a hand on that doorknob, but she couldn't bring herself to open this door. She knew what would be behind it. A sleeping baby girl, in a nursery so pink Haley could barely stand it. Nathan had insisted on only the girliest things for his baby girl.

Haley laid a hand against Lydia's door, then made her way downstairs. She found what she was looking for in a cabinet in the kitchen. She decided to lay everything out, thinking maybe they would appreciate it later. She opened a bottle, shaking two pills out into her palm. Getting a cup of water, she downed the medicine. And two more after that. And then the rest of the bottle. She did the same with the other bottles she found, drinking any liquid she could find. She found some old pain pills that Nathan had stashed away, and she took those, too. When the medicine cabinet was empty, Haley walked outside. She could already feel the effect of the medicines she had taken, in the way that her heart was pounding, as she felt her breathing begin to grow shallow. She walked to the edge of the pool and smiled.

"It's okay now. I'm okay now. I'm coming, Nathan."

Haley closed her eyes as she took the final step, into the deep end of the pool. Her arms felt heavy from all the drugs in her system, but she didn't even bother with trying to lift them. As the familiar darkness surrounded her, for the final time, Haley smiled.

Quinn jerked awake, as Lydia's screams filled the house. She nudged Clay, who was already sitting up. Quinn wrapped her robe around her, as Clay followed behind her.

"She doesn't usually sound like that, Q."
"I know. Do you think something happened?"

They hurried to the nursery, and saw Lydia standing in the crib, sobbing and screaming. Quinn picked her up, holding Lydia close to her. Clay ran a hand over Lydia's head.

"What is it, Little Scott? What's wrong?"

That was when they realized Lydia was saying "Mama". Over and over again, while she sobbed. Clay felt his stomach roll, and he turned to walk down the hall, as Quinn rocked Lydia back and forth in her arms. He looked in on Jamie, who was sound asleep. Back in his and Quinn's room, Logan slept on in the tent they'd set up on the floor. Thank God for little boys who slept like rocks. Clay walked to the bedroom at the other end of the hall, pushing open the door. Quinn had just started walking after him, whispering to Lydia to quiet her down. Clay came running out of Haley's bedroom, his eyes wide and scared.

"Quinn, she's gone."

Quinn's heart fell, and they rushed downstairs. Clay ran to the living room, the dining room, the music room, calling Haley's name while Quinn walked into the kitchen.

"Clay!"

He came running at the sound of her voice. She was frozen, pale as a sheet as she pointed to the medicine cabinet, which was empty, and the counter, where every medicine bottle from the cabinet lay, every one of them empty as well.

"No. Oh god, Hales. No."

Clay slowly turned around, looking outside. He went running as Quinn grabbed the phone, calling 9-1-1. Still holding Lydia, Quinn watched as Clay dove into the pool, finally breaking the surface with Haley in his arms. Quinn set Lydia down in her playpen, then ran outside to Clay, screaming. He had Haley up on the concrete now, and he pushed himself out of the water. Quinn sobbed hysterically, yelling Haley's name as Clay pressed on her chest. Water poured from Haley's mouth as Clay started CPR.

Later, Quinn would remember how brave Clay was. How he tried so hard to save Haley. But when someone didn't want to be saved…