Chapter 2 - Destiny Burns

Hey so just so you know you guys are ALL AMAZING! I am so happy that you guys like this story and thank you so much to everyone who read, reviewed, alerted. You guys are unbelievable.

I was planning on waiting a little longer with this but I want you to have it now. I'm not sure how I feel about it, it's a lot newer than my last chapter and hasn't been worked with as much but I feel like it shows Arthur's dissociation with the world around him pretty well…

I hope…

Okay well I'm just going to give it to you and stop blabbing.

Disclaimer: if I owned Merlin Bradley and Colin would be in trouble, they'd be playing Merlin and Arthur for the rest of eternity…

We must embrace pain and burn it as the fuel for our journey. – Kenji Miyazawa

Arthur watched in a numb sort of horror as Merlin took a last, shuttering breath in. Then time seemed to stop as his chest failed to rise again and he fell limp in Arthur's arms.

It was over, Merlin was…

Merlin was gone.

After all the close calls where they'd somehow scraped through, after all the name-calling and laughs and highly disrespectful, mocking bows…

Oh what he wouldn't give to have Merlin sit up and call him a prat, to tell him he wouldn't be rid of him that easily.

He closed his friend's eyes so that he might have been sleeping and the tears began to fall again. This was his fault. If he hadn't gotten angry at Merlin and rushed Morgana, if he hadn't distracted him, things might have ended very differently.

Merlin might still be alive.

He'd been so angry in that moment, when he'd thought his friend had betrayed him. Magic was evil, that's what he'd always been taught. Merlin had magic so that made him evil too, a traitor.

And then Morgana had hurt Merlin and all of that logic had fallen apart.

Merlin would never betray Arthur or Camelot. Merlin had risked everything for him time after time and now he was doing it again. Somewhere along the line his father had gotten things wrong.

Very wrong.

Merlin was still Merlin. Still a massive idiot who was much too loyal for his own good and, yes Arthur would admit it, the closest friend he'd ever had. That's what Merlin had been trying to say.

The tears fell harder. Why did he only ever understand when it was too late?

XXXARTHURXXX

Arthur wasn't sure how much time passed before someone found him, still clutching Merlin's cold body in his arms. He was aware that when they tried to take Merlin from him he snapped.

He would carry his friend; no one else would touch him. He could do that right at least.

Somehow he found himself on a horse and on the ride back to Camelot it registered that without Morgana leading them Camelot had easily thrown off their attackers. It felt like a hollow victory.

So he got to keep his crown, so what?

Getting back to Camelot was fuzzy. The only thing that mattered was the too light, too limp body on the front of his horse. When had Merlin gotten so thin? He should have noticed, should have made him get some rest and eat something.

Too late.

Gaius's cry as Arthur slipped them both off the horse brought everything into startling clarity. Or maybe that was the pain on the physician's face…

He finally relinquished Merlin to the man was like a father to him. Gaius's voice was ragged.

"Is he…"

"I'm sorry Gaius, there was nothing I could do." For a moment there was only silence, silence and crushing pain making it hard to breathe. Gaius bowed his head.

"Thank you, sire, for bringing by boy home to me." Gaius's hand shook as he gently pushed Merlin's mess of hair out of his face and kissed his brow. Arthur felt his heart break again.

He was not the only one who would miss Merlin. He was not the only one who had lost a friend. Merlin had meant something to so many people. He clasped the physician's shoulder.

"We will give him the honour, the goodbye, he deserves Gaius. I can promise you that." Unshed tears clouded the old man's eyes and he turned away from the king.

"Thank you Arthur, but that won't bring him back."

Always too late…

Arthur's reply was so soft, so quiet. "I know…"

He didn't sleep that night. Instead he threw himself headfirst into everything. He didn't want to have a moment to himself because if he wasn't doing something or yelling at somebody then he could think. Then he could remember the contented smile on his friend's face as Arthur held him and his life slipped away.

No, that was the last thing he wanted.

The pire where he would be burned was already standing ready in the courtyard, Arthur could see it from his window.

He had the feeling that view was ruined forever.

It was Gwen who came for him when it was time, Gwen who took his hand silently in her own and lead him through the corridors of the castle. It was Gwen who thumbed the tears away from his red eyes before they stepped out into the courtyard together, even as her own fell. The sun was just starting to come up bathing Camelot in light. It would be a beautiful day, which only made everything worse. It should have been raining, there should have been thunder and lightning.

In Arthur's opinion, even the weather should have been mourning.

There actually weren't that many of them there. Gaius, Elyan, Percival and Leon. The servants who had known him best were standing at the edges of the courtyard and a few from town as well. There probably would have been more, but they had their own to grieve. Last of all, a shaking Gwaine holding Merlin's body. He'd asked and Arthur hadn't had the heart to deny him. He looked like he was, for once, sober.

If Arthur had the choice, he wouldn't have been.

Then, though, he understood that Gwaine wanted to show his friend respect. He wouldn't disgrace his memory by being drunk when he said goodbye. As they came closer he realised that Gwaine's shakes were actually sobs as another, accompanied by a guttural howl, escaped his lips. Gaius put a hand on the knight's shoulder and Gwaine lifted the man who'd meant so much to all of them onto the wood. Gaius held the lit torch in his hand closer and it caught.

Thank you Merlin, for saving my life. Thank you for everything.

Just like that, the last of his friend was gone.

The flames assaulting his eyes all blurring together and Arthur wasn't aware of the moment when his knees gave out. No one said anything and eventually he realised that was because every one of them was gone.

They'd left him to grieve.

Merlin wouldn't have left him, Merlin would have stayed right by the king's side where he belonged. The thought brought his own howl of grief to match Gwaine's and he suddenly had the most powerful urge to throw himself on that fire and set everything right. If Merlin couldn't stay with him any longer then he would go to him.

He launched himself at the flames only to be stopped just short by the hands of Leon and Gwaine.

He hadn't been as alone as he'd thought.

He tried to rip himself from them, threatening and twisting and punching and screaming until he collapsed into an entirely different set of arms that ended up being Gwen's and they both fell to the ground sobbing and clutching at each other while she screamed his name.

"Arthur, Arthur you can't leave me to!"

For the first time, he understood that it could be easier to die then to be left behind.

He held her tighter, and they stayed like that until the fire burned to nothing.

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. – Norman Cousins

so…let me know. I'm still not 100% sure about this chapter so I'm counting on you guys to tell me.

Ps don't worry, the real story gets going soon XD.

I feel evil right now…