As the weeks went on, Dumbledore's anxiety seemed to increase. This tension only made it worse for the Order, causing much stress to sink into Remus' brain. He spent grueling time performing secret tasks: vigorously seeking information of Death Eaters and whatever Voldemort may do next. He preferred to work on his own, refusing help from any other members. His short temper only became worse when around others. He would find himself unable to stay steady when around fellow member, and perhaps something more, Tonks. Remus was never angry with her in particular, but could not allow himself to grow closer to the young Auror.
Remus now sat at the crowded dinner table in the Burrow, conversing over his past tasks and new information with Arthur Weasley over tea. Stacks of papers, quills, empty tea cups, and tiny muggle trinkets piled up on the table, barely giving Remus space to prop his elbow. Usually Molly Weasley was no friend to such chaotic clutter; those were better days. Molly seemed to spend much time worrying over her many children and Dumbledore's own well-being (despite several slight arguments with Remus himself over this). He let it go, keeping his focus on Arthur's quick words.
"It's not looking good, Remus." He gently leaned forward, his eyes widening. "Molly's not taking this lightly, she's worrying every day. A mother can only take so much, you see." Remus nodded in agreement, his shaking hand placing the tea back on the table.
Remus, nervously brushing his hand through his brown hair, decided to change the subject. "I hear you have a new job with the Ministry, I'd be much delighted to hear that's going well, since there's not too much light these days." While saying this, Remus found it quite difficult to make eye contact with Arthur. He was an honorable family man, a dear friend and reliable member of the Order. Yet for a reason unknown, he could not connect to him during their friendly talk.
Arthur, noticing the distance, accepted the change in topic. "Ah, yes. It is indeed a step up for these times. I do confess I don't feel much trust in that place, you understand of course." Remus once again nodded, searching his mind for some sort of reply. He simply downed the rest of his tea, the bold, warm liquid flowing through his throat. "Another cup, Remus?" Molly said with a welcoming smile as she walked back in the kitchen, her pace quick as always. Though distraught, Molly still attempted to allow Remus to feel the warmth and comfort a mother always wants the room to feel.
"That'd be lovely, Molly, but I really must go." Remus stood up from the table, smoothing his old, gray coat with his hands. Arthur stood up as well, extending his hand. "Arthur, I'll stay in touch. Good luck with your new job." He gripped Arthur's hand tightly, shaking it. "And dear Molly," he gave her a gentle, quick hug. "The tea was wonderful." She blushed slightly, waving her hand in flattery. "Oh Remus, don't be a stranger. Try to visit when it's not just work."
Remus managed a smile, and showed himself out of the Burrow. While standing outside the front door, he took a moment to keep still. He gazed at the setting sun, feeling the wind rush through his hair and press against his skin. As he eyed the sun leaving so the night could possess the sky, Remus felt a sharp pain in his chest. Tomorrow would be a night for the wolf, he painfully remembered.
"Wotcher, Remus!" The familiar, light voice stunned his pain. He turned, seeing that heart-shaped face framed with now bubblegum-pink hair. This was the first time he really saw Tonks since that stormy night in front of Grimmauld Place, avoiding her since. She must have apparated to the Burrow, he assumed from the surprise of her sudden presence. "Fancy seeing you here! I'm just paying Molly a visit, Arthur has shown a bit of concern for her. It must be difficult, I bet. I just finished a bit of spy work with Kingsley," Tonks whispered her last sentence with a slightly coy tone. "You were probably seeing Arthur, yeah? I hope he's well. I guess I'll see for myself, won't I? Oh me, not letting you have a breath in! How are you?"
Remus could not help but feel amused and slightly delighted by Tonks' nature. He felt a sense of relief hearing her voice float in the air, not dark or recondite. She simply felt sincerity and curiosity, which he secretly began to admire. "I'm fine, Tonks. Just leaving, actually. I'm sure Molly will be delighted to see you." Remus still found it difficult to connect to her, simply look her in the eye. Their last real moment together involved such grief, such truth, and a small kiss. It'd be a lie if Remus claimed to not think of that sincere look in her eyes that night, the gentle feeling of her lips on his cheek every day since that night. However, he couldn't find himself to be able to let her be so close to him once more.
Tonks slightly tilted her head, pushing back some loose strands of hair behind her left ear. Her playful tone grew a bit more serious. "I'm not entirely sure whether you're happy to see me. I wish I knew how you were doing. I know you like to be alone, especially now. But everytime I try to get one word in, you're gone." She took a few steps closer. "Will you talk to me, please? You did before. That night…" Her voice trailed off, as if she was unsure of what to say. Her eyes searched for his, unable to quickly gain connection. Remus gave in, looking at her once more.
"Tonks, work has been quite a handful. I'm sure you understand." His voice sounded unintentionally superior and cold. Why did he keep such a guard up to this young witch? She expressed nothing but genuine care, even when he slightly confessed his loneliness. "I'm doing quite well, given the circumstances." Remus' voice softened, weakening from the sight of the pink-haired beauty before him. She hinted a small smile, nodding at his reply.
The two then stayed silent for several minutes, the evening growing darker. They both were in hurry to speak – they only looked into each other's eyes, as if they didn't even realize it. Remus' mind interrupted his sight, reminding him of work that needed to be done and his determination to not give into his growing desire for her. Desire? Why, how, I can't. She's so young, so full of life! I don't even know what this feeling is for her. She's a beautiful girl, that's all.
"I know a wonderful place, beautiful view. I'd like to take you there. We can talk, or just…walk. It's up to you, Remus. " Tonks' eyes lit up as she imagined her favorite place to wander, hoping Remus would take up on her offer. He smiled, wanting so badly to say yes. "Aren't you here to see Molly? I don't want to steal you away from your intended visit." Tonks gave a small shrug. "I'm sure Molly won't mind, given the circumstances," she said with a wink.
Remus sighed, looking up at the night sky, glistening with small stars. Tonks extended her left arm, her hand waiting for Remus' hold. "Trust me, you'll love it." Even as it grew darker, he could still see the playful smile form on her heart-shaped face. "I shouldn't…." Remus said quickly, shaking his head. "What else do you have, Remus?" Tonks' voice sounded so devout, so dear, her words so true. He grasped her soft, warm hand. A moment later, Remus and Tonks were apparated into a different setting.
The stars luminously lit the sky, defeating the dark sky's power over night. The trees were tall, full of thriving, green life. The large, dark river a few feet from them glistened from the stars' reflections. The land covered with healthy, soft grass stretched out for miles. Remus was not sure of what this beautiful land was, but his eyes seemed not to care. It was indeed a remarkable scene to behold. Remus turned his head, looking down at Tonks. "It's marvelous."
Tonks beamed in delight at Remus' approval. "My mum brought me here when I was younger, it's actually not too far from my home. My changes could be difficult to deal with time to time, as you may understand, so mum would take me away. Here, I don't have to worry. Here, I can breathe and forget whatever troubles, or wars, or anything that would bewitch my mind. Here is only this moment."
Remus, not letting go of her hand, began to slowly walk. Hearing her words of escape brought light to his mind. As he and Tonks began to walk along the grassy pathway he assumed Tonks and Andromeda once crossed, he realized there was more to the young beauty than he allowed himself to wonder.
"I wish I had a place like this." He felt his soul yearning to reveal itself to the woman whose hand he held onto. "I guess Hogwarts was more of an escape for me. Despite…what I am, I had James, Peter, and Sirius—" The name still pierced him. "Still, this place is quite alluring."
Tonks took her time to reply, keeping up with his pace as they walked. The stars heavily glowed upon on them, as if they were focusing on the two wizards as they connected through their path. "I realize, Remus, that you're not much of a talker. I get it, I do. I'm sure you've noticed I can be quite a pusher, a bloody annoying one at that. But-" Tonks stopped, forcing Remus to stop as well. "I don't want to scare you away from me."
Me, scared away from her? Remus wasn't sure of how to reply to Tonks, her eyes overwhelmed with concern and kindness. Before he could even fathom a sentence, she quickly began talking again as she started taking a few more steps. They both again looked forward, walking a steady pace. "When I first joined the Order, I couldn't be more ecstatic. My whole body wanted to explode from such thrill, such excitement. Me, an Auror! I could fight for the magical world I care so deeply for and use my, err – skill – to good use!" Tonks' eyes widened with excitement as she briefly remembered the sensation of becoming an Auror. "You may not be aware of how I felt when I met you." Her tone grew quiet, not as thrilled.
Remus didn't react; he only let her continue speaking. "I wasn't sure what it was, Remus. I just wanted to connect with you, know you." She took a deep breath. "I still do."
As Remus took in Tonks' confession, he looked up once more at the sky. The dark beauty, the divine shimmer of the stars, it reminded Remus of what he was. The wolf wasn't sure how to connect. He tried relationships before, long ago, but he was unable to grow close to someone he wasn't sure could understand. Here, this young beauty: alluring eyes, kind-hearted, strong-willed, beautiful hair (no matter the shade), soft, light skin, and a voice that could interrupt his pain. He had nothing to offer her, and couldn't help but question her feelings. How could such a beauty love a poor, old beast?
"Tonks," He softly whispered her name, stood still, and connected to her eyes. She looked up at his face, gazing at the man she wanted to know was in her heart. "You are…absolutely amazing." His hand caressed her cheek, resting at her neck. "I don't know why I didn't realize it before."
Before he could let out another syllable, Tonks quickly pressed her lips against his. She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding onto him. He accepted her kiss, letting his desire for her win this moment. His hand stayed at her neck, the other traveling to her lower back. She was so soft, so warm, so full of life. Her kiss explained it all. She truly did want him, and he wanted her.
You're a monster, you can't love her. Remus' mind interrupted him once again. He quickly pulled away, his lips parting from hers. She looked stunned, her hands falling back to her sides. "Tonks…it's not right. We can't."
Her eyes fought tears, the moment of ecstasy turning into disappointment. "What do you mean? You must've felt it too! You can't keep hiding, Remus!"
"I'm not the man you should love! I'm hardly a man at all! It's too dangerous. I have nothing to offer you but despair." His tone grew colder, yet he couldn't stand the anguish flooding her eyes.
"You only say that, I'm not scared of you. I know what you are, but I also know I love you." Tears began to fall as she cried out this confession. "I have since I met you, Remus. Please…"
Remus could only think of the faults: he had barely any money, no steady job, he knew he was getting older, and he couldn't take the risk of shaming her name and reputation, and her life, because of his beastly condition. "You're young, Nymphadora. You don't understand." His voice was strict, heavy. He couldn't hold her now, he couldn't kiss her again, he couldn't apologize and tell her he cared for her deeply. Not now.
Tonks wiped away her tears, shocked from his final statement. She couldn't even find words to say, feeling too vulnerable from what she shared. She looked away from him, back at the night sky. Before Remus' eyes, she disappeared, apparating from him. Where he once saw her stand was now only still air and the view of the glistening river.
He stood alone, still feeling her lips on his.
What else do you have, Remus?