Odd One Out – Chapter 2
"Good morning, Mr. Grumpypants."
"Shut the fuck up."
"Did you sleep well? Hehehe."
"Terezi, you know very fucking well that I didn't sleep. And you better not have slept either, I fucking swear, I will—"
"You'll what? Decapitate me? Demoralize me? Hehehe."
Karkat rubbed at the dark bags under his eyes until they hurt. Everything hurt. "Fuck, Terezi. At least let me think of a great bulge-tingling threat before you hindfuck me with the shards of my own shattered thinkpan."
"Sorry, pupa." Terezi grinned, resting her hands on her canekind.
"Fuck."
"Is something troubling you, the great manly mantroll leader?"
"Stop calling me that, it's stupid. Everything is stupid."
Terezi chattered her unusual laugh. "Hehehe. Have a rough night?"
"You fucking know I have for fuck's sake."
"Oh, yes. I smelled the candy apples from down the hall. What dumbshit thing did you manage to do this time?" Terezi couldn't contain her glee. It was kind of worrying that there was so much blood, but at the same time…candy apples everywhere! It was too exciting.
"For fuck's sake, Terezi, I'm trying hard enough to get these moronic Hivesuckers to not kill just fucking everyone everywhere all the fucking time without you reminding me what a fucking failure of a leader I am. Oh, and bringing up my weirdass hemoscale. Thanks for that. That was great." Karkat ground his teeth together.
"But I love candy apples."
"I fucking know that. You say it every other goddamn sentence like a psychotic Earth parrot on Alternian power pills."
"Personally, I think you are blowing this out of proportion. I don't think anyone cares as much as you think they do. You are our precious little leader, after all. Hehehe."
"Of course they fucking care, Terezi. Our entire gogdamn species is built on the fucking existence of the gape-gagging assfuck that is the hemospectrum."
Terezi paused, frowning. She tapped her glasses thoughtfully. "Maybe I should try that again."
"Why don't you fucking try that and see what happens?" Karkat snapped back.
"Karkat, only the douchey-douche highbloods really give a fuck about the hemospectrum. Just look at Tavros. He didn't seem to care."
"Oh, okay. I will look at the fucking outcast cripple as an idol in deciding how to act. Also he is dead. And no one cares. No one fucking cares that Vriska ripped our goddamn friend in half."
"Oh. Then maybe I should apologize for killing—"
"No. Gog. No. Sorry. I don't blame you, you were just… Fuck. I'm sorry. Are you happy? Are you fucking happy? Do you want me to get on my hands and knees and grovel like a discarded fucking wriggler for being the assholiest of the assholes? I have won awards for being a fucking purple-level idiot, thank you. Does that make you happy?"
"Well, I was just going to say it probably won't matter much longer anyway, since we are almost all gone. But yes, that was sort of funny." Terezi's thinkpan was starting to get a little bit blurry. There were too many candy apples everywhere. It was hard to smell where everything was.
"Fuck. Thank you for reminding me of that hideous personal failure. Yes. I have let almost all of us go on murderous fucking rampages and kill each other. I am just the best fucking leader anyone could have hoped for ever. Fuck."
"Would you like me to yell at past Karkat for you, then? Hehehe."
"No. Fuck. Why would you even bring that guy up? He is the worst fucking guy on the goddamn rock. Except for maybe future Karkat. He is an overwhelmingly stupid hornlicker."
Terezi tapped her canekind against the ground once. "I take offense to that." She really didn't, but it was always fun to dictate Karkat's mood swings.
"Fuck. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure they taste like weirdass cheap carnival food like candy corn or some shit that you seem to like for some stupid reason."
"Candy corn is delicious."
"Look, Terezi, I'm busy here. Can you go bother someone else for a while? I need to just think for a while."
"Okay. I will go talk to Dave. Hehehe." Terezi knew that Dave was the perfect keyword around Karkat. That name never failed to get a rise out of him.
"Fuck. No. Don't go fucking talking to that fucking Strider human dipshit. He is the epitome of all that is waste-fed scum."
"He is pretty funny. He is a cool kid."
"No. No he fucking isn't. He's an asshole that thinks he is Gog because he wears fucking sunglasses at night like a stupid fuck douchebag."
Terezi grinned her widest grin. "Are you jealous? Hehehe."
"What, no, why would you think that, why would I be fucking jealous? You know what? Fine. Go talk to your stupid gnat-munching pink and flabby weakass human slime pustule."
"Well if you insist. Hehehe." Terezi started to turn to leave.
"No. Don't go. Fuck. Fine, stay here. Just—just don't lick anything. Don't lick me. Fucking please."
"But you are delicious. You smell like—"
"Fucking candy apples, yeah, I know. Thanks for reminding me about that yet again. It's great. It's totally subtle, too, no one else will ever guess what you are saying. They won't suddenly realize their leader is a freak-blooded bulgemongler of a pile of troll waste. Fantastic."
"Well, I am sure that if anyone comes by soon anyway, you won't need to worry about me letting slip. Hehehe.'
"Fuck. You're right. I'm bleeding out like a goddamn skewered human farm animal. Shit. How bad does it look? Is it really obvious?"
"I don't know, Karkat. I can't see. I'm blind." There was a special place in Terezi's pulsing aortic pump for making blind jokes at herself. They were great for making other people—especially Karkat—uncomfortable.
"For fuck's sake, Terezi, you know what I meant."
"Hehehe yes. It smells very strong. But I would be much more sure if I licked—"
"No. No, that is creepy and wrong and keep your goddamn tongue the hell away from me."
"If you say so. Hehehe."
"By the way, sure, don't ask me how this fucking happened. I'm sure you don't care that I'm withering away here or anything. Don't try and help me, I'm fucking fine, thanks for asking by the way. You make a great fucking lawyer."
"Do you want me to draw a chalk outline around you? I am good at that. I can get my scalemates to help conduct a thorough investigation." Terezi thought about how delicious her chalk would be right now. She was really in the mood for a good investigation, too.
"Fuck, Terezi, I already know what fucking happened. I just fought—for fuck's sake, you know what? Fine. Just do whatever the fuck you want."
"I was kidding."
"It sure as hell didn't fucking sound like you were kidding. Are you taking lessons in deadpan from that stupid asshole shit-eater kid you're so goddamn red for?"
"You can be a real dumpass sometimes." Terezi frowned. "And yes, Dave is teaching to me to be a cool kid."
"That's fucking fantastic. Make sure to have sloppy makeouts just right the fuck in front of me when you two meet, which I'm sure you fucking will because fuck my life."
"Hehehe. My nose detects severe jealousy. Is that true, Karkat?"
"Why don't you tell me, Ms. Magical Nostrilsnout? Aren't you supposed to have all the fucking answers?"
"Well, I was going to give you a chance but yes. I smell your jealousy and it is delicious also. And my nose is magic, and not the fakey fake kind, it is a potent lie detector of awesome."
"Sure. Why don't we just go along with that for a while."
Terezi drummed her claws against the cherry head of the canekind. "I don't understand why you hate Dave so much. You two have a lot in common, you know. Hehehe."
"Oh, sure. We're both waxing red for a sadistic bulge-crusher of a troll who seeks only to ridicule and fucking debase her friends."
"Oh, you were aware of that? Hehehe."
"Fuck, Terezi. Just stop talking to that guy. I don't want anyone doing the fucking interspecies tango. Also no sloppy makeout orgies. I don't want to see that. No one wants to see that."
"I am just saying that maybe if you talked to him you would find some things out. Hehehe."
"No. That sounds fucking stupid and useless I am never going to talk to that shit-smelling naked ape asshole."
"Don't say never, Karkat. It will make past you sound like an idiot in the future."
"Fuck. Do you know something? Did you read something? Fuck, Terezi, don't talk to future me, that guy is a fucking asshole, you know that."
"Hehehe. Whatever you say, manly mantroll leader. Whatever you say."