Chapter 2: The Shell and the Hole

A/N: A note to the Jasper/Bella fans reading this fic. If you haven't noticed, I'm working on two big Js/B stories right now. This one, and P.S. I Love You. Here's a reading tip: The relationship will move faster in this fic. If you prefer slower progress, see P.S. I Love You. Also, PSILY is more poignant, while this fic will have more angst and violence. Song for the chapter: "My December" by Linkin Park.

"You're going back to Forks." Alice said as I came down the stairs. It wasn't a question. She'd seen it, of course. It wasn't a question, but I still answered.

"Yes. I need a little space to think after… after what you told me. And I still can't shake this feeling that one of us needs to check on Bella… I probably won't actually show myself to her. I'm not sure how she would take that, since I attacked her the last time she saw me… I'm just going to move back into the Forks house for a while, and I'll just drop by her house at night, to see how she's doing."

"Edward won't like it." Alice said.

"He probably won't find out for a while, if at all," I said. "He visits us so infrequently, and he's too wary of seeing Bella again to come to Forks, himself. This isn't about Edward anyway… not much, at least. It is true that his odd behavior is part of my motivation to check on Bella, but I'm going back to Forks for my own reasons, too."

Alice stood up from where she was seated on the couch and she walked over to me. She hugged me and rested her head on my chest, sighing heavily. "I know that," she said. Something was off, though: Frustration, worry, sadness, anxiety, confusion… "Call me and tell me how she's doing, okay?" Alice added suddenly.

"Have you tried to see her, Alice?" I asked anxiously, absorbing her emotions. "Is she okay? Is something wrong?"

"I didn't see much," Alice admitted. "I just saw you climbing up to her bedroom window and… turning around and running away." I tensed involuntarily.

"Why am I going to run?" I asked. "She won't be physically hurt, will she? Will Bella be bleeding? Is that why I don't get any closer?" Alice shook her head.

"I recognized the look on your face, Jasper," she said. "You looked the way you do when you… wish you weren't so empathetic." Oh. It had to do with my emotional sense, then.

"What makes me run, though?" I asked Alice. "I mean, are we talking about an uncomfortable amount of lust? Or fear? Worse than that? Is Bella okay?"

"You know I can't see details like that, Jasper," Alice murmured against me, still holding me in her arms. "I… I hope she's okay. Promise you'll call and tell me?"

"I promise," I said, bending down to lightly kiss the top of Alice's head. "I'm taking the eight o'clock flight, tonight. Fewer humans in the airport and on the plane. I was just heading out for a quick hunt, to prepare myself. Come with me?" Alice nodded.

"Tanya and Irina should be on their way back from seeing Laurent off, soon," she said. "I still haven't been able to see why he decided to leave so suddenly."

"I couldn't really care less," I growled softly. Alice pulled away from me and gave me a quizzical look.

"I never liked him either, Jasper," she said, "but what exactly did he ever do to you?" I let out another soft growl. The pixie did have a point.

"Nothing, I suppose," I conceded. "He's just been acting… very withdrawn for a couple weeks, now. He's been so happy with Irina since he came here. The change just made me suspicious, I guess. I've also been wondering if he's cheating in the diet. His eyes are still red, after all. They should be gold, by now… We've been here for three months, and he came out here a few months before us, when he left James and Victoria… Maybe that's why he's leaving?"

"Perhaps," Alice said thoughtfully. "It's hard to believe he'd choose human blood over Irina, but he's not us, I guess… Maybe finding a mate isn't reason enough for him." I almost growled, again. Filthy nomad. If I could give up human blood, he could. He just didn't want to. If Alice and I were correct in our assumptions, Irina would be upset, but she would be better off in the end. She clearly wasn't Laurent's top priority. She deserved better.

"Well, let's go," Alice said after a moment. "You need to hunt." Alice took my hand and pulled me out the door even as she spoke. As we stepped out into the Alaskan twilight, I realized how different her touch felt. I still felt love coming from her, but it just wasn't the same… Her hand in mine didn't send an electric current through my arm, and her hand didn't hold onto mine quite as tightly as it once did. Her grip on me was already loosening. She was preparing to let go, knowing that we each had to find someone else to hold onto. I let slip a wistful sigh as we ran through the mountains. I would miss my Alice…

It felt strange, entering the big Forks house alone. Everything was just as we'd left it; not a pillow was out of place. The only thing that was different was the smell. Our scents had almost completely faded. Bella's scent was long gone from the place. Bella… It was a little after midnight. She and her father would surely be asleep. I could think of no reason to not check on her, now.

It only took me four minutes to run to Bella's house. I stopped when I was still several yards away and stared at the house warily. What Alice had warned me of earlier still disturbed me. A few yards closer, and I would be able to pick up on any emotions coming from the small house in front of me. Bella and Charlie were both asleep now, though. How bad could the emotions coming from two sleeping humans be? They were in a relaxed state. Why would Alice see me running away? Was Bella awake, after all? Would her emotions be stronger? And what on earth would she be feeling…? I moved a few yards closer, and I heard Charlie's voice. He was awake, and talking on the phone by the sound of it. I only heard his voice, speaking without response:

"It's been three months, Renee… I can't think of anything else to try…" That was Charlie Swan? He sounded so different; weary and hopeless. What was going on? "I'm telling you, Renee, it's not like someone left her, it's like someone died! The first month was bad enough; the non-stop crying and barely eating… I still hear her screaming in her sleep, every night…" Was it possible for vampires to get nauseous? Charlie was talking about Bella… Not eating, screaming in her sleep… Alice's warning suddenly made more sense. "I'm not sure if this new phase is better or worse. When she was crying all the time, she was at least showing some emotion... Now, it's like night of the living dead around here. Dr. Gerandy has been throwing around words like 'catatonic' and 'comatose'! I swear, Renee, I don't…" This was difficult to listen to, now. It sounded like Charlie was actually crying! "I don't know who that girl upstairs is, Renee, but she isn't our little girl… She's just… a shell. I don't know what to do…"

There was a long pause in which I assumed Bella's mother was responding to Charlie over the phone. I was frozen on the spot, and I was already considering turning around and running away. What have we done to Bella? What did Edward do to Bella? He never really gave us any details about what he'd said to her… 'A shell,' Charlie called her. It was difficult to imagine Bella that way… She was always so warm, courageous, and loving. If I dared approach her bedroom window now, what would I find inside? Did I really want to know?

"Maybe," Charlie's voice murmured in response to something Renee said on the phone. "I'm pretty sure Bells is down for the night, so I'd better take advantage; get some sleep, you know… Yeah, sure. I'll talk to you soon, Renee. Bye." I heard Charlie hang up the phone and walk upstairs very slowly. I heard a door open slowly, then it shut again and he kept walking. Another door opened and shut, and I heard the creaking of an old bed as he climbed in. The coast was clear for me to check on Bella… if I still wanted to.

After a moment of indecision, I realized I was acting ridiculous. I was behaving like a coward! This was Bella I was dealing with! And I was just going to get close enough to get a look at her and feel her emotions! I'd fought and destroyed countless armies of newborn vampires, and here I was, considering retreating from such a simple task as checking on one human girl! Such action was not an option. I moved closer to the house.

Bella's familiar scent became continually stronger as I neared her window. When I was within easy jumping distance of the closed window, her emotions started seeping out to me. I had been very wrong in expecting her emotions to be dulled by sleep. She was anything but relaxed and peaceful: Desolation, deep despair, fear, confusion… unbearable heartache, loss, emptiness, hopelessness, worthlessness… She felt so horribly… unloved?! No. Certainly Edward didn't tell her that he, flat out, didn't love her! He felt he had to leave Bella behind, but he wouldn't be that cruel! Would he?

Bella's emotions tore viciously at my still heart as I made myself jump up to her window, so I could look inside. I almost didn't jump high enough, though it was an easy distance. Bella's emotions were so incapacitating, they physically weakened me. It was agonizing, and that was before I saw Bella… A shell. A beautiful, broken shell. She was curled into a fetal position on top of her bed, above the comforter. No blanket covered her petite frame at all. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her torso, as though she was trying to hold herself together. She looked even paler than I remembered her, the moonlight making her skin look as white as mine inside the dark room. There were deep shadows under her eyes, and a couple slow tears rolled down her face even as I watched her. She shivered and a strand of her dark, messy hair fell across her furrowed brow. Her lips were dry, and she was thinner than when I last saw her… too thin. A broken whimper escaped her parched lips and she shivered again. That was all I could take.

I jumped back down from the window and I actually fell. I tripped across the ground, my legs giving out under the weight of the emotions coming from Bella; crippling me, drowning me. It took a frightening amount of effort to push myself up off the ground and run away. Far away. When I got back to the house, I collapsed onto the couch. Vampires technically didn't get tired, but I had never felt so exhausted.

As soon as I recovered and had complete control over my own emotions again, I was furious. What the hell did Edward do to Bella?! Did he know she was like this?! And that was just in her sleep! What I heard Charlie say, though… He said she was apathetic, now. In her sleep, she was anything but emotionless. Was she different while awake? I actually flinched at the thought of going near her again, to check on her during the day, but I would have to. I needed to understand.

It was December twenty-ninth. Bella was on winter break from school, so I went back to her house at around three o'clock in the afternoon, expecting her to be there. She was there… at least, she was there in body. Charlie was at work, so I was able to safely slip inside the house. When Bella was distracted at one point, seemingly starting to cook dinner for her father, I snuck inside through a widow in the living room. If I couldn't see Bella standing in the next room… If I couldn't smell her human blood and hear her heartbeat, I might have thought she wasn't there at all. There was no emotion coming from her. In emotional agony in sleep, and hollow when awake. She was empty and lifeless, none of her previous light in her at all. It was beyond disturbing. She, somehow, even managed to look worse than when I saw her the previous night.

Bella looked unstable and fragile in a way that had nothing to do with her somewhat clumsy nature. She was so thin and pale… The shadows under her eyes gave her an almost ghostly appearance, and her long, heavy hair looked too heavy as it framed her blushless cheeks. She looked so tired… and empty. The only time she showed any flicker of emotion or feeling was when she would, seemingly randomly, wince in pain. Then she would mutter something unintelligible to even my ears and resume her lifeless piddling about. It was extremely disconcerting.

At one point, while Bella continued working in the kitchen, I decided to look around the house a little. Edward and Alice had both been inside before. Carlisle had even come here, once, while Bella was recovering from James' attack. I, however, had never come anywhere near this house before. I found myself making a quick course to Bella's bedroom… and wishing I hadn't.

I barely noticed the fact that Bella's scent was so strong inside the room. The room was actually relatively tidy, but it felt as hollow as the girl downstairs. There was a blanket thrown over what appeared to be a rocking chair in the corner of the room. That didn't make sense to me. A CD player sat on a nightstand near Bella's bed, but I saw that it was unplugged, and I didn't see any CDs anywhere in the room. The stereo that Emmett, Rosalie, and I had given to Bella for her birthday was in a garbage bin near her desk, as was a well-read copy of Romeo and Juliet. That brought my eye to the small bookcase in the room. Bella had good taste in literature. There was a lot of Shakespeare, several other classics, a good assortment. Upon closer inspection, though, I noticed her scent wasn't very strong on those books. She hadn't touched them in quite some time… I couldn't understand. Not until later that evening, anyway.

I went back to my own house when Charlie got home, and I decided it was time to call Alice. I described it all to her; every detail. When I was done, she sounded as upset as I felt, if not worse, as she explained the state of Bella's bedroom to me:

"It's everything that reminds her of Edward," Alice's voice was a breath above a whisper. "Everything she did with him. She probably sleeps above the covers because she got used to the temperature of his body next to hers. She listened to all sorts of music with him, and he wrote that lullaby for her, so she stopped listening to music… and tore the stereo out of her truck, apparently. She read all those books a lot before, and he would read to her, or talk to her about the books, so she stopped reading them… Romeo and Juliet was one of her favorites, and she and Edward compared themselves to the characters, sometimes… The star-crossed lovers who would rather die than be apart, with such different families and lives…" That last comment struck a nerve.

"I haven't read Romeo and Juliet in a while, but I don't remember Romeo mercilessly ripping Juliet's heart out," I growled softly. "And I'm positive there is no point in that story in which Romeo tells Juliet he doesn't love her. Perhaps that's why the book ended up in the trash," I added bitterly. "Bella's not a fan of the rewrite."

I was mildly surprised when Alice didn't say anything to counter my cold remark. She made no attempt to defend Edward. She didn't say anything for several seconds. Then, she almost whimpered, "What have we done?"

"I don't know," I said softly, "but I feel like I need to try to fix it."

"Should I come down there, too?" Alice asked me. I considered that for a minute.

"No," I eventually answered. "Stay up in Denali, and… don't tell any of the others about this just yet. Give me a little time down here, alone. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do, but…"

"You'll be fine, Jasper," Alice reassured me softly. "You'll figure something out."

"Vision?" I asked her.

"No," she laughed half-heartedly. "I just believe in you, that's all. Just keep in touch, okay?"

"Of course, Alice," I answered her.

"Are you going back to her house, tonight?" Alice asked me, then.

"I think so," I said. "I'm going to run out for another quick hunt first, just as a precaution. Then, I probably will go back over there."

"Just be careful, Jasper," Alice warned. "After last night…"

"I know," I said. "If I can make myself get close enough, I think I'm going to try affecting her tonight calming her, I mean. She needs a night of actual rest... She needs peace."

"Edward stayed with her every night, you know," Alice said suddenly. "In that rocking chair for the first few months, before she knew he was there. That's probably why it's covered up, now. Then, after that day he went to his meadow with her, he started staying in bed with her at night. He would hold her while she slept…"

"Alice…" It took me a moment to process what she was saying. "Are you suggesting that I do that?" I asked her incredulously.

"Yes and no," Alice answered slowly and thoughtfully. "Your influence on others is stronger with physical contact… But, I'm not sure how Bella would respond to the cold, hard feeling. Like I said, she used to like it, but… like I said, yes and no. I can't see anything, of course, because you haven't decided what you're going to do yet."

"Alice," I said slowly, "I don't think I… could."

"Jasper, you just told me you were a few feet away from Bella today, and that you went inside her room, already," Alice said with an exasperated sigh. "You really need to give yourself more credit. If you do get close to her tonight, you're not going to hurt her. I don't need my visions to tell me that. I know it to be true. You'll be fine, Jasper. Just… take care of Bella, okay?" My still heart ached at the plea in Alice's voice.

"I will," I promised her. "I need to go hunt, now. It's getting late. I should get back to Bella, soon."

"Bye, Jasper," Alice said. "Call me tomorrow."

"I will," I responded, and we both hung up.

At nine o'clock that night, I was outside Bella's window once again, steeling myself to move even closer. Bella's emotions were devastating as she slept, just as they had been last night, and it took immense effort on my part to not succumb to the torrent. After a minute or so of standing outside, below her window, I leapt up to the window and slid it open, climbing quietly inside. I briefly debated over whether or not to close the window behind me. The fresh air would help dilute some of Bella's scent, but it might also make her too cold. I decided to shut the window. It was December, after all. The window made very little noise but, for a moment, I thought the sound had woken Bella.

"Edward," she whimpered the name. "Don't leave me… Please… Please, come… back…" She begged. She was sleep-talking. I remembered hearing her sleep-talk a little when Alice and I stayed with her in Phoenix. The sound hadn't been so painful to hear in that hotel.

"Edward," Bella whimpered, again, and her arms tightened around something she was holding against her chest. Looking more closely, I recognized it as a photo album. She was gripping it so tightly that the hard edges of the book cover were making indentations in her arms. I walked over to her and carefully pried it out of her grip, careful to not touch her skin, in case the coldness of my skin should startle her awake. I opened the album and flipped quickly through the pages. I stopped when I got to an empty page bearing the caption, Edward Cullen, Charlie's kitchen, Sept. 13th. There had obviously, once, been a picture of Edward above that caption. A picture Bella would not have discarded herself. It had been taken away from her. I suppressed a growl. How could Edward be so cruel?

Bella whimpered again. Wordlessly this time, but I felt even more pain pour out of her than before. She tossed fitfully in her sleep and she was radiating distress. I could scarcely imagine what horrible dreams plagued her every night. Though I had yet to hear it, Charlie said she screamed in her sleep every night, and she was already crying as I watched her. Slow tears rolled down her pale cheeks, just as they had last night. The urge to reach out and wipe them away was almost irresistible. I started sending waves of calm to her… and she reacted violently.

Bella screamed and suddenly sat bolt upright in her bed. I dove under her bed not a second too soon. Bella whimpered in pain, and I tried not to echo the sound. Her emotions were unbearable! I felt like there was a gaping, burning hole in my chest with raw, ragged edges. I would take the burn of vampire venom over this pain. It was excruciating! Loss, loneliness, worthlessness, emptiness… I was unloved, I was unwanted, I was unworthy of love, I… had to stop this! NOW! Without thinking of Bella's reaction, I threw the full force of my power at her, drowning her in lethargy, just to make the pain stop. I heard her fall over onto the bed with a dull thud.

I was gasping for unnecessary breath as I crawled out from under the bed. Despite the amount of lethargy I was pushing into her, some of Bella's painful emotions still seeped out of her, filling the room, but it was bearable. Without thinking about what I was doing, I climbed up on top of the bed. I laid down beside Bella, and I shifted her body so I could pull her blankets up to her shoulders before pulling her body closer to mine. I tried to avoid skin-on-skin contact with her, but I wrapped my arms around her and I poured peace and pleasure into her. The wrinkle in her forehead smoothed out and the expression of distress on her face slowly faded. Her own arms, wrapped around her torso, loosened their hold ever so slightly. Now I knew why she held herself like that. She was trying to hold herself together, in spite of that excruciatingly painful hole in her chest. That indescribable pain… and Edward had caused it. We had caused it.

I did not move from Bella's side for the rest of the night. I did not rein in my power for a second. Only when I heard Charlie stir in the morning, did I let go of Bella. I sent one last tidal wave of peace into her as I climbed quickly out of her bed and out the window. I ran back to my house at my top speed, then. I grabbed the phone as soon as I was in the door to call Alice. Not only did I have more to tell her about Bella, but I needed the contact for my benefit, too. I could still feel the echo of that hole in my chest, and I desperately needed relief. I needed someone who loved me to assure me that someone, somewhere, still cared about me…