A/N: Yo~! Chapter two is here. Thanks for the positive and constructive reviews, folks! Well, mostly positive and constructive reviews. I apologize for the weirdo comments; it's just trolls being trolls. Ignore them as you may.

Warning: Swearing, parody, randomness. Also, if you've never been on LawlClan before, you will know little to nothing about what I'm talking about.

Warning 2: An emphasis on the swearing. Today's chapter is rather…wordy. 0D

Signed,

-Oten

A Series of Unlawlful Events

II

I AM AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN

Spottedbird, a rather wayward, odd and just downright twisted cat, wasn't the type of she-cat that was able to keep a tom for more than a day. Actually, not even for an hour. After the first thirty minutes or so, it was completely obvious that she cared more about her butt cheeks than the tom himself, and if the conversation did not revolve around her butt cheeks, she was absolutely not interested. That much was a significant detail that everybody in LawlClan only seemed to know about her. Well, mainly because all she did was just show off her cheeks and sexually harass other cats—but that's another story.

Anyways, after her umpteenth break up (nobody could keep track any more), she fell into a depression due to the lack of compliments being aimed at her furry cheeks—and mind you, she needed about thirty compliments about her rear to get through the day. With that being said, Spottedbird did the normal thing every depressed she-cat does—run out into the forest like a complete and total lunatic and then raise some hell. Because, that's totally what every she-cat does when depressed. Right?

The leafy forest floor crunched softy underneath her paws. The birds chirped brightly, squirrels dashed up and down trees, the sun shone brightly, its brilliant light reaching into every nook and cranny of the forest. The day almost seemed to hold many great wonders for the cats of LawlClan.

This pissed her off.

"Fucking birds! Shut the hell up!"

The forest seemed to go quiet for a few seconds. Its silence almost shouting, "Well, damn bitch!"

"All of you are so fucking happy and you're all rubbing it in my face! Do you flying turds even know how it feels to go a whole day without compliments? DO YOU?! No! All of you and your little happy ass birdy friends probably give each other compliments all fucking day!"

She panted heavily, her chest moving up and down rapidly. Her mouth was drawn back into a snarl and her eyes were narrowed into slits. Her but cheeks were amazing and needed to be complimented! This was an outrage!

"Sweetie, calm down."

The voice was deep, soothing and feminine. It gave off a certain calming ambiance that the raging cat couldn't even put a claw on; all she knew was that it was amazing. Possibly even rivaling her cheeks.

She turned around slowly. The cat behind her was a dark brown one. Her pelt was thick and glossy, shining magnificently in the sun's light. StarClan almost seemed to sing at her arrival. She held an air of I'm-better-than-you-but-I'll-try-to-be-your-equal and aristocracy. Something this she-cat knew little to nothing of since she was surrounded by insane, drunken, kinky cats all of her life.

"W...wha…who are you…?"

The she cat dipped her head.

"My name is Oprah."

Snapping out of her trance, Spottedbird lashed her tail.

"And just what are you doing here? Can't you see I am trying to bitch and moan in peace?!"

Oprah shook her head. "Honey, there is no need to go sobbin' around everywhere. Let me guess, you had your heart broken?"

Spottedbird tilted her head, staring straight in into Oprah's eyes.

"…yes. And how do you know this?"

"Because I'm Oprah, and I know everything." She padded closer to the tortoiseshell feline before sitting down on her haunches and wrapping her tail over her feet.

"I can help you if you want."

"I don't need your help."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't. And how would you know anyways? You're not me."

"I'm not you, but I'm Oprah. And Oprah knows everything."

Oddly enough, the answer seemed fitting. Acknowledging the feral cat's defeat, Oprah brightened.

"I'm going to say a sentence, and you're going to repeat. Alright?"

"Alright."

The dark brown she cat dipped her head once more, her emotional, penetrating eyes staring deeply into green ones, staring straight at her disturbed soul. The forest quieted down, almost waiting for Oprah's wise words. Spottedbird removed her eyes a way from Oprah's for a split second, trying to find anything else to look at. This was just fucking creepy. She sat there, unmoving, unblinking, not breathing in front of the LawlClan cat, staring into her soul like Frogsong always did to her when she was harassing other cats.

"I am an independent female cat and I don't need no man!"

"…What?!"

"Say it me! I am an independent female cat and I don't need no man!"

"Um…I am and independent female cat and…I don't need no man…?"

"Say it like you mean it!"

"I am an independent female cat and I don't need no man."

"Louder!"

"I am an independent female cat and I don't need no man!"

"LOUDER!"

"I AM AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN!"

Oprah closed her eyes in joy. Spottedbird felt something bubbling up inside of her. It was making her feel like a…a…a feminist. And StarClan did it feel good.

"You got it! What are you?"

"AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT!"

"And what don't you need?"

"A MAN!"

"SAY IT AGAIN! ALTOGETHER!"

"I AM AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN!"

Spottedbird jumped to her paws and bounced around gleefully.

"I am an independent female cat—"

Oprah held a confused look.

"Okay, I think that's enough."

"-and I DON'T NEED NO MAN!"

"Hey! You're freaking me out!"

Spottedbird started to rush out of the forest.

"Hey!" Oprah called. "Don't forget to buy my book and join my book club, okay?"

Spottedbird stepped proudly into the camp feeling like a brand new cat.

Wildheart, a dark brown tom, who is a friend of Spottedbird's—somehow—walked past by the "changed" cat.

"Hey, Spottedb—"

"I AM AN INDEPENDENT FEMALE CAT AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN. YOU SEXIST BASTARD!"

She strutted, with much pride, away, leaving the unsuspecting tom confused.

"…dafuq?"

A/N:

YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN AND YOU DON'T NEED NO MAN! –Ten ways to spoil dinner

Credits: Spottedbird (me), Wildheart (Ten ways to spoil dinner), and Frogsong (Coqui's Song)