Woot! Chapter 2! Don't worry, they won't all have "Previously"s on them. I just did this so I could put "meanwhile" in all caps. XD

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Previously on Hargreaves Family: Epic Phails…

It is two days before Mary's birthday and Cain, while trying to wrap her present, stapled himself to the table in the library. After a rescue from Riff, it's decided to go out and get a dress for her and Riff will wrap it. Cain has also voiced his annoyance at Riff's constant "Master Cain"-ing. MEANWHILE….

Haregreaves Family: Epic Phail

Chapter Two

"Jizabel!" Alexis whisper shouted, peeking out from his hiding place. "God dammit! Where is that boy?"

Jizabel, who happened to be standing next to his father, sighed and rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Father," he said in a bored tone, I have two things I wish to point out.

"Firstly, I am hardly a boy, at 28 years of age. Secondly, I am aware that you wish to be a stealthy and diabolical villain, but crouching behind a park bench in broad daylight is hardly the way to go about it. People are starting to stare."

And indeed, the young doctor was correct; people were staring. The sight of a strange middle aged man attempting to hide behind a bench in the middle of a busy park on a Saturday afternoon whisper shouting was drawing quite a bit of attention. This however was going completely over Alexis' head.

He jumped up in surprise at his eldest son's voice. "Jizabel! When did you get here?"

Jizabel sighed again. "I've been here the whole time, Father."

Alexis' eyebrows shot up. "Really, now? Interesting…" He shook his head. "In any case, come with me! I must reveal to you my latest evil plot!" Grabbing his son's arm, he marched off to find a quieter spot.

Jizabel followed, shaking his head in mild disgust and disbelief. He could truly not believe that this man was the head of the most powerful and sinister group in England. Briefly, he considered telling Alexis that he had already revealed his "diabolical" plot to him four times, but decided it wasn't worth the effort. Plus, it was actually rather amusing to watch his father rant.

They reached a slightly less crowded portion of the park and Alexis stopped and pulled Jizabel behind a tree, an equally as bad hiding spot, because it was only a sapling. His eyes glinted evilly.

"As you may or may not know, my son, in two days little Mary Weather will turn eleven. Your brother Cain, the devil child born out of incest and lies," he paused here to laugh maniacally, and then continued, "will undoubtedly go out and buy her a present because he is a 'loving and doting brother'." He sneered.

"Therefore!" he went on, throwing up an arm with his finger pointing upward, "as soon as my spies from the mansion report back to me that he and his manservant have left, we shall go to every store in London that sells anything that could be sold to a woman for a gift and lock the shopkeepers in a closet! Then we shall put signs on the doors saying they are out to tea! It's brilliant! Brilliant, I tell you, brilliant!!!!!" He laughed again, just as maniacally, throwing his head back, shoulders heaving.

Jizabel glanced coolly up from examining his finger nails and said, "And what exactly is to be gained from this?"

Alexis stopped laughing. "Why, he shall not be able to find a present for his precious little sister, of course! It shall crush him!" He continued with his laughter.

Jizabel raised an eyebrow. "And what about tomorrow?"

His father stopped laughing again. "What do you mean, tomorrow?"

"If all the shops are closed today, he can just as easily go back tomorrow to get a present for her."

Alexis frowned. This he had not thought of. Then it hit him. "Then we will just have to repeat the process again tomorrow! Cain will never know what hit him! Am I not a genius!?"

Jizabel rolled his eyes. "Yes, Father," he said in a tone that was both condescending and sarcastic. "You are truly the most evil of men."

"Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!" Alexis said. Then he paused. "My evil laugh is wondrous, is it not? I spent quite some time developing it. You see son, the key to being a villain is really the laugh. I know most people are under the impression that it's the plotting and the schemes, but really it's the laugh…"

Alexis continued on his rant about evil laughter, and Jizabel facepalmed. His father was truly, truly an idiot.