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The jungle might not be the most comfortable place on Runeterra but it did have some benefits: tall grass both makes a decent makeshift cushion and a form of stealth to hide and...well, that's about it about the comfort part but hey, you still have to protect your jungler from invaders, right?
"Invaders, pfft, since when there is one in a low ELO match? Those type of guys are too damn afraid to even cross the river, so why worry about them?" came a complaint of a lady, sitting cross-legged on the ground within the brush, with her hand supporting up her head, bored of guarding her jungler, Singed.
Yes, Singed was jungling that round because his summoner was getting sick of being countered that he decided to welcome Singed into the jungle and turn him into a jungle man.
By the way, you may recognize the lady: pink skin, purple hair, ridiculously large head brooch, skanky outfit that reveals everything but the obvious places you wanted to see, plus a cape of some sort. You know, the one that burst you down with TONS OF DAMAGE, then blink back without any repercussion whatsoever? The one that's been commonly banned on ranked? That one burst mage that everyone seems to be pro at? Except for you and you end up feeding and your teammates yell at you and lower your already shitty self-esteem?
Yep, you guessed it!
Twilight Sparkle!
NO, WRONG ANSWER!
IT'S LEBLANC, YOU DUMB SHITFACE MIKE TYSON WANNA-
"I heard that Mr Swain has a new skin as of recent," the chemist attempted to strike up a conversation while waiting for the blue golem to spawn, mentally cursing at the early game waiting time.
"Oh? You mean that Tyrant Swain skin?" LeBlanc replied."Yes, it does look powerful of a skin, even more so than a million dollar pulsefire suit."
"No, I don't meant that."
"Eh? What do you mean? Wasn't the Tyrant skin had just been released-?"
"No, recently, Riot have just released yet another skin for him, they've announced it last 2 weeks ago and the skin has been released...yesterday, actually. Hell, we might even get the very first look of it in a moment, now, seeing that your lane opponent is your darling general."
LeBlanc giggled at Singed's usage of the word 'darling'.
"Oh yes, we'll see, we'll see," LeBlanc muttered out, then stood up and stretched a bit when the announcer have noted the arrival of the minions. LeBlanc check the team composition once more by looking at the summoner's mini map.
Darius top, Singed jungle, herself at mid and duo bottom team of Draven and Sona.
"I've fought many men," Darius boasted with his arms crossed while his axe was standing upright by its partially buried like."All strong, with years in specialist training camp and exceptional fighting skills, yet I've defeated every single one of them. Now what could a mere scout hamster do to me?"
Meanwhile, at bottom lane...
"Yeah, baby, appreciate every single bit of me," Draven boasted as he flexed his 'muscles' to showed off to his support, she simply shook her head and sighed.
When the blue golem have popped up out of nowhere, LeBlanc tags it with a sigil of silence and few basic attacks before she make her way back to her lane so as to kite the golem as Singed squeezed in as much free hits with his shield as possible before it focused on him back.
She looked around her lane. Empty. That means Swain was probably hard leashing or perhaps a bad pull and needs a releash. Either way, LeBlanc gets some free farms for a bit.
Then, her surroundings got shrouded in darkness.
...
"Wait..."LeBlanc noticed something sketchy."How does Nocturne get to level 6 this fast? I know he's God tier jungler with damn fast clearing speed but...wait, they dont even have Nocturne! Then how did-"
A siren came on, startling her a bit but after a count of five seconds, with one siren per second, it stopped, becoming silent again. It was if it was counting down to zero-
Suddenly, fireworks sets off on both of the river brushes. At the same time, the music came on, the guy singing sounds like he's half-baked, the spotlight that's sharing the pyro's brush have been turned on, then focusing themselves onto the purple side of the lane, casting a silhouette walking towards the middle of the lane.
"Jericho Swain?"LeBlanc asked out of concerns and curiosity. You know someone gets serious when that someone ask the other by full name.
"MY NAME IS JERICHO SWAIN, NO LONGER!" shouted the figure, who he then threw his cane offhandedly to the floor. He stripped off his coat and it suffered the same fate as the cane. He unbraided his 3 measly strip of hairlines to released a shoulder length blonde hair.
He held out both of his arms diagonally to the air with his back to LeBlanc.
"MY NAME...IS...CHRIS JERICHO! Break down the walls, baby!"
...
...
Okay, what drugs did Singed give to the guys at Riot? LeBlanc thought.
Well, lemme answer that for you, my dear girl: nostalgia. You know, back in the day where the Rock and Stone Cold were the main eventers instead of John Cena and CM Punk?
You and your stupid fake sports, LeBlanc thought.
Well, you can fuck off, LeBlanc. But we are going off course here. Back to the story...
While LeBlanc was having a confusion of a lifetime, a mind rape if you will, Swain have run up to a minion, getting a last hit and lionsault to LeBlanc. He tried to go for a pinfall but the turret keeps poking him on the back, it annoys him, so he got up, did a low blow with his arm. It was so powerful that the balls exited through the mouth and the turret exploded immediately from the lack of testosterone it had lost.
"Uhhh..."and obviously, a sane person will be dumbfounded at the sight of what just happened."Umm, Singed, would you be so kind to ask your summoners to gank early?"
"Uh...negative."
"What? Why?"
"Because top needs help, bottom needs help and now you ask. Would you like to take a number?"
Every lane is in trouble? How?"
She looked at top. Yep, Darius was getting absolutely dominated. By a goddamn freaking hamster.
"Yeah, bitch, you like that, didn't you?" Teemo taunted from a distance while Darius was cowering, hugging the tower like a teddy bear."Can't make me bleed if you can't see anything, huh? Where's your damn annoying ult, niggah? Come on, STAND AND FIGHT, CALLING YOURSELF NOXIAN?"
Oh wow, thats what LeBlanc have to say about top,then she looked down at bottom.
"Uwaaah!" Lulu cried out like a school girl, pointing at Draven as if he's a well known celebrity."It's the one and only, Draven! Could sign me autographs! I promise you it won't take more than a minute!"
"Well, sure!" and of course, Draven complied, while tossing his axe aside."I always got time for my fans! Now, where's your pen and paper?"
"Here!" Lulu passed a ballpoint pen, then took out towering piles of papers from the brush."And...here!"
And Draven went off on a signing spree. And he never, ever, stop. Meanwhile, his opponent, Graves, gets all the free farm he wanted, lasthitting every last minion he gets. So, of course, Sona's summoner called for help while the maven herself tried to dissuade her partner from participating in an obvious distraction.
"Oh? Sona! Do you want an autograph too?" of course, Sona's mute and everyone have to play a game of charade with her. And Draven was absolutely terrible at it during his time at elementary school."Don't worry! I never forget about you!"
He then signed his name on Sona's left boob. Feeling embarrassed and blushing very hard, Sona covered it up quickly.
"Oh? You want it on the other side too?" Draven predicted (wrongly) and signed on the right side too. Sona's blush spread from her cheeks to pretty much her whole face and she went down on her knees in humiliation, tears welling up-
"Oooohh, I get it!" finally, Draven think that he finally got what Sona was trying to say. Sona's facial expression has brightened up and her hand clasped together, thinking that perhaps Draven will focus back into farming and-"I think you want something a bit special from me..."
He then unzip his pants.
And in a matter of milliseconds, her smiles turned into a grave, doomed frown.
"Cool! I even got a camera here!" and Lulu wasn't helping one bit.
Well, I could've continue writing about them but then the fanfic would turned rated M. We don't want that. Or at least, I don't want that, because I still like Sona.
All I can say about that was that it was the time when Sona gave 'first blood'.
"Okay..." LeBlanc will have to confirm Singed's dilemma."I guess we are fu-Arrrgggh!"
At that time, Swain swept her off her feet, forcing her to land on her back, then grabbed said legs, while standing, and turned around so as LeBlanc was now in a prone position with Swain on top of the back of her knees.
Finally, he squat down, dealing TONS OF DAMAGE on that knee.
"I call this-!" Swain announced at the top of his lung."WALLS! OF! JERICHO!"
Let me tell you, that submission move is damn painful, especially at the leg area and it slows, even stops, blood circulation.
And as you can probably guess, LeBlanc screamed in agony and tap frantically onto the dirt, awaiting referee to come in and declared the match to Swain.
"There are no referees, you idiot!" Swain pointed out.
"Noooooooooooooooooo-!"
She then tried to crawled forward and stretched out her arms to reach for the rope.
"There are no ropes, either."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
...
"That's some nice early gank, Nocturne," Swain complimented with a thumbs up to his eldritch abomination of his jungler to his right as they witness Noc's finished product: a pink lady with her face on the dirt and her butt up in the air.
"Your welcome," Noc begrudgingly answered."This target's nightmare was...interesting."
With that, he float away, seeing if he can take a few wraiths from Singed's jungle.
Swain sighed, pinched LeBlanc's soft cheeks(not THAT cheek, though) and whispered "You were so...how did they say this in Ionia?...Kawaii...when you're damn frightened to hell. I wonder what kind of nightmares you had. Just so I can do that over and over again to see that cute face."
It's a mentally cruel relationship. But a relationship nonetheless.
And now, it is a magical fun time of alternate alternatives!
"What in the blazes of Noxus is this?" LeBlanc cursed as she laid her eyes on a pink skinned purple haired yordle, about the height and length of her waist. The yordle waved at LeBlanc and greeted with a playful grin "Puh-leeeaasee, to meet you."
...
Full AP mid Lulu? LeBlanc deadpanned mentally, are the summoners desperate to get a suitable carry?
But she digress, she simply shrugged and continue farming like usual.
At first, it was not that eventful, neither side of the lane did not want to waste their mana too quickly to leave themselves vulnerable to ganks. However, when LeBlanc reached level 4, she believed it is time to break the boring bleak silence. She looked at Lulu once more. She looked so innocent, so cute, so...open. LeBlanc had her sigil of silence in her hand, awaiting its use. She could use her dash to close the gap but her summoner decided to save it for the sigil's activation.
She approached slowly, like a pedophile with chlorine soaked clothe in her hand. Her grin gradually grew wilder and looking more sinister.
But then, Lulu looked up.
Her eyes opened wide.
"CALL NINE ONE ONE NOW!" she suddenly shouted.
"Huh?" LeBlanc muttered.
Before Lulu turned her into a squirrel. Lulu then grabbed her newly transformed tail and slammed it left and right.
WUB WUB WUBUBUBU WUBUBU
This would be the time where Skrillex drop the bass and gives this battle a dirty bass but this is a written work and I don't have the money to pay for royalty...just imagine 'First Of The Year' in your head or YouTube, then sync every snare beat with every slam Lulu unleashed onto LeBlanc. When she about to transformed back, Lulu twirled her above her head and release LeBlanc to send her flying to the river pillar.
Lulu strolled towards the broken mess of pink, extended out her hand and commanded "Pix. Destroy."
Instantly, Pix teleported to LeBlanc and bitch slapped her across her overpowered face. Next, Pix cast Glitterlance right between the eyes, causing LeBlanc's health to drop drastically.
"Her...burst...damage," LeBlanc winces as she moaned."So strong."
She cast her decoy out and went into stealth for half a second, making a mad dash to safety, didn't even think of staying at the first tower. She looked back but to her disbelief, Lulu did not make a chase. Truth is, Lulu doesn't need to, doesn't want to.
Lulu pointed to her and simply said "Get her, my dark critter."
It was then LeBlanc's sight has reduced down to just barely able to see her own nose. She panicked, so much that she resorted to a choice that wouldn't made an impact but do so anyway. She took out her phone out of...somewhere, tap in the numbers and screamed at the top of the voice...
"CAWL NEIN WAN WAN NAO!"
She felt somewhere in her spine where there's a huge crack.
First blood.
Then Skrilly's bass would be sync with LeBlanc's dropping on the dirt floor. In fact...
WUB WUB DUU DDUDHDUDUUUUDUD WUB WUB
Somewhere along that line.
"Thank you, Noc!" Lulu expressed her gratitude in a massive dose of moe.
Nocturne made a mistake of looking back.
Executed.
...
"Dahell?"
Apparently, he died by a nosebleed that sends all across the map before finally landing at the enemy's fountain turret.
Author's note: Yep, I like dubstep, just not all of my dubstep favorites is all Skrillex. I've seen that someone like the JaxXFiora, it kinda makes me wanna make another one, so I will. Right after I make a JarvanXLux. Well, something like that. I dunno, I'm an unprofessional buttmunch.