City Lights

Rage and love, the story of my life...

-Are We The Waiting, Green Day

I really wanted to capture the emotion in this chapter, but I think I've failed haha. I know what suicidal thoughts are like so that's why I'm really trying hard to portray it in this. However, I'm definitely failing haha. If you're going through anything difficult atm or anything - send me a message. I'd love to try and help!

"Is everything ok?" McGee asked in worry.

"MCGEE, WILL YOU JUST TRACE IT!?" Tony yelled down the phone in panic. He heard the click of keys as he waited anxiously for a reply.

"According to the trace, she's in her apartment building." McGee provided, feeling his heart rate speed up at the thoughts of what could be wrong. Tony hung up, making McGee feel even worse.

Tony scrolled back through his contacts and dialled Ziva's number. He really hoped she would answer. The phone rang out for a few seconds, and to Tony's relief and surprise, she picked up.

"Hello." She spoke so quietly that Tony could barely hear.

"I'm at your apartment. I found your letter. I know you're in the building. Where are you?" Three facts followed by a question. It was a scenario DiNozzo had never thought he'd find himself experiencing.

"I'm on the roof. Please do not try and save me." Ziva's voice sounded so flat and hopeless.

"Ziva, please don't do this. I'm going to come up and we can talk about this." DiNozzo had only just finished his sentence when she shot in with her reply.

"No, do not come up." She hoped he would respect this plea.

"Ziva. You expect me to stand outside of your apartment, knowing you're trying to end your life and not do anything about it?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Ziva?" When she didn't answer, he felt his heart nearly stop.

"I feel mentally exhausted, yet I'm going out of my mind. I feel hopeless, I can't be around people, I don't enjoy anything anymore. I can't go on feeling this way; feeling this emptiness and this pit of depression in my heart and chest." Ziva blurted out, barely taking a breath and pouring every ounce of emotion she had left into each word. DiNozzo felt his heart break at the fact she felt that way. That she felt like she couldn't turn to any of them and that she had to suffer alone.

McGee sat his desk, feeling his heart beat way faster than it should. Part of him wanted to do nothing about the phone call he just received, but the other part told him Gibbs needed to know.

At that exact moment, Gibbs got out of the lift and strode into the bullpen and over to his desk. He set his cup of coffee down and glanced at the desk opposite. McGee looked pale and worried.

"Something bothering you?" Gibbs spoke up.

"Tony just called. He sounded pretty panicked. Asked me to trace Ziva's phone."

Just as Gibbs was about to ask questions, he heard McGee's phone go off. McGee looked down at the text from Tony.

Code Noire.

They'd made this code up after Somalia. Him, Tony and Abby had discussed a code they could use if they thought Ziva wasn't doing too well. She'd already been through so much already, but after Somalia, they thought she was ready to just crash and burn. They'd tried their hardest to help her out and encouraged her to speak to a professional but she insisted she didn't need any of it.

When McGee's brain put itself into gear and realised what this meant, he felt the colour drain from his face.

"It's Code Noire, Boss." McGee spoke, feeling as if the world around him had stopped.

"Code what, McGee?" Gibbs stood and walked to Tim's desk. McGee shook his head to break himself out of his trance.

"Tony, Abby and me made it up after Somalia happened. It's so we would know if something bad was happening with Ziva, like if she was in a bad place in her mind." McGee explained to Gibbs.

"Is that what the text was?" Gibbs questioned as he walked round to his desk, grabbing his gun and badge.

"Yeah, it was Tony." McGee couldn't bring himself to move.

"Right, we're heading over there." Gibbs ordered but McGee finally moved, standing up and grabbing Gibbs' arm.

"No, we can't. It'll make things worse." Just as McGee was about to explain, Abby came running in.

"MCGEE, CODE NOIRE!" She yelled, shaking McGee.

"I know, I got the text too." Tim's voice sounded so drained.

"Are you going there now?" Abby directed her question to Gibbs.

"Yeah, McGee thinks it'll make things worse though." Gibbs shared the insight.

"You should know it will. Ziva doesn't like to be around people when she feels bad." Gibbs thought to the many occasions Ziva hadn't been herself. She kept quite and avoided everyone if she could.

"You got a better plan?" Gibbs offered the chance for someone else's input. Everyone looked as if they were thinking of something that could work.

"I've got it!" Abby blurted out.

"Why didn't you tell one of us?" DiNozzo's voice sounded full of hurt.

"They are my problems, you do not deserve to have solve them." Ziva's voice remained quite.

"Ziva, please. When I said I couldn't live without you, I meant every word of it. Why give up now? You've pushed past everything life has thrown at you, you've come so far. This isn't the answer, even if it seems like it. I know how you're feeling. Maybe not on the same level as you, but I've been in your situation. There's been times that I haven't wanted to live."

"There has?" Ziva was surprised.

"Yeah." He took a breathe and decided to open up to Ziva. He felt as if it might help her.

"When I worked for Baltimore PD, it was great at first. I loved every part of it. But then a couple of months went by, and I was fed up. I felt like nothing I was doing was making a difference. The other guys used to give me crap all the time and I just felt like I had no future. One night, I went back to my crappy little apartment after a terrible day at work. I sat down on the couch and just stared into the darkness. I felt like there was nothing keeping me alive. I had a couple of beers, got a bit drunk. I walked into my bathroom and got some painkillers from the cabinet above the sink. I was just about to take more than you're suppose to when my phone rang. I was being called in to work on a new case. I told my sergeant that I'd had a few. Then I realised that people depended on me. I realised I was ending my own misery but what about the people that my job was about? The people who get burgled, the families of those who's loved ones get killed or murdered. And that night, I went to sleep and promised myself that I'd work as hard as I could for the rest of my life – no matter what was thrown at me." Tony sighed, remembering as if it was just the other day. He realised it was definitely a turning point in his life, and he was glad that he got that call. Ziva didn't answer, so he carried on speaking.

"Ziva, I know how you're feeling. It's horrible and it feels like there's no escape from it - I completely understand. What you need to realise though, is that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can get the help you need and deserve! You know that! Why are you resorting to this? Please, let me help you."

At the end of the last chapter I said this would be two parts but now it's definitely going to be three, maybe four.

I apologise for leaving it on a bit of a tense moment!