Chapter Two:
It had been hours since she came home, yet she hadn't had the strength to face Edward and to answer the stream of questions she knew would follow. Just like the numerous times she had slipped before he would have already watched the images of her draining the man's life in Alice's head as the vision came over her. But though he had intimate knowledge of what occurred and a vivid picture of the moment in his mind, he would not stop from asking Bella to talk about it as if that would help her troubled mind.
He did not understand, even after thirty years that at moments like this she did not want to talk, just to sit in the quiet of her mind. Even if all she could do was sit there feeling sorry for herself and berating herself for her weakness, it was her right to do that without the condescending comfort that Edward tried to provide.
Jasper had long since left her alone in her library, knowing unlike Edward that she needed to be alone. He had told her that he too cherished his moments alone, heading to a place deep within the forest to think and be away from the prying, pitying eyes of the family. He had probably been the one to keep Edward away this long because she knew without someone to stop him he would have come to her as soon as she had gone up the stairs. For Jasper's intervention and for his comforting and understanding presence, Bella was grateful.
It was strange to think that Jasper really understood how she felt and knew the pain and confusion that arose every time she was unable to ignore the primal urge to feed on human blood. It shouldn't be strange, having known Jasper's past. His anguished face alone the night he tried to take her life at her birthday party so many years before spoke volumes, and yet it was still difficult for her to fathom any sort of connection between herself and Jasper. Jasper was the most fiercely private member of the Cullen household. She never knew it would be possible to confide in him.
Staring out the window on the far wall of her library, she could see the sun begin to peak over the distant hills bordering the valley. Though she loathed the idea of facing Edward, she knew she had made him wait long enough to see her. Mustering up as much courage as she could, she left the library and headed to the room she shared with him.
"Bella," Edward said a she closed the door to their bedroom and made her way to the couch. He sounded relieved, and yet another emotion lingered in the tone of his voice. "I'm sorry about earlier, I know you said…"
Her mouth pulled into a tight smile as her eyes met his. "Don't Edward, it's fine."
He watched her for a moment, his face the stony mask she had often seen when they first met. "Did Jasper talk to you?"
"You know he did," she answered, rolling her eyes. She hated the distance between them, but she couldn't stop her sarcastic response, and she didn't have the urge to bridge the emotional gap that had been increasing over the years.
Edward took a deep breath and in a moment he was at her side, holding her hand tenderly, a hint of sadness behind his eyes. With a slight amount of hesitation he said, "I do understand you Bella. I know you."
Bella's eyebrows furrowed, anger and disbelief fighting for purchase in her voice, "You were listening?"
"Of course Bella, I worry about you, I want to protect you and help you," he replied, unaffected by her tone of voice.
"Eavesdropping on me isn't going to do anything and I don't need your help Edward. I am an adult and I can certainly take care of myself."
Edward moved closer, gripping her hand more tightly between his. "I know, I know you can, but I love you Bella. You're my life…"
Bella let out an exasperated sigh, pulling her hand away and moving across the room. "I love you too Edward, but I just need time, space. I need to figure myself out right now. Can you give me that?"
He watched her carefully, running a hand through his hair, fighting the urge to cross the room and hold her, but knowing it wouldn't be wise at that moment.
"I'll give you whatever you want," he replied, his voice low and emotionless.
Even though he tried to keep his tone neutral, it was an old game, one Bella had long since figured out. She knew he was hurting; he only hid it to protect her. A memory she had buried deep within the cob-webbed hallways of her brain, a human memory, one that had haunted her for months, sprung to the forefront of her mind for a moment. There Edward was, standing in the forest next to Charlie's house, rejecting her with the same lack of emotion as he was showing now.
Unlike then, she didn't believe the charade. If she looked closely at him, studying him as she had so often done, she could see the pain behind his eyes that he so expertly kept from his facial expression.
As much as she felt disconnected to Edward in recent years, her love for him had not vanished and the confusion and sadness in his eyes hurt her. She moved to him, putting her hands against his chest and holding her body close to him. Wrapping his arms around her, he placed a kiss on the top of her head, but said nothing.
She felt warm in his arms and for a moment she regretted the coldness of her attitude towards him. "Edward I…"
"No, Bella don't," he said quickly, interrupting her, "You don't need to explain anything. You take what time you need to make things right for yourself. Maybe Jasper can help you. Just promise me something."
"Anything."
Putting his hands on the side of her face, he took a long look into her eyes, searching for something that Bella didn't understand. He finally said, "When you're done, promise you'll come back to me."
She nodded, burying her head into his chest and wrapping her arms tightly around his body.
Though it was unusual to her at first after years of being so separate from him, it became easier as the days passed for Bella to spend time alone with Jasper. Alice had told him that what Bella needed was an ally if she was going to get passed her confused feelings, and that she had seen in Bella's future what his comfort would do to strengthen their family. He was happy to oblige, feeling oddly connected to Bella in a way he hadn't felt connected to anyone else in the family, especially after their conversation in her library the day before.
For Bella's part, she liked the comfortable ease in which they could spend time with one another, talking or just sitting in silence, whatever the moment necessitated. Edward always wanted to talk, figure out feelings or discuss things that had happened. Jasper instinctively knew when she did not want to speak, to just enjoy the quiet lull that filled the room; the only sound that of the distant cars that would not have been audible to human ears.
It was strange that just days before she had spent every moment she was not with Edward alone, feeling wholly unconnected to anyone, least of all Jasper. He had remained a remote entity, Alice's husband, a quiet unassuming figure in her life. Now he was the one whose presence gave her the most peace.
The peace she felt when she was near him could have easily been from his power to manipulate the mood of the room, but she knew it wasn't. Oftentimes his switching of moods felt forced and unnatural, but the tranquility she felt when he was near felt pure and untainted.
As they sat in her library, the sound of his steady breathing filled her ears as naturally as the silence had pervaded the space of the room. Bella couldn't help but turn away from her novel to look at him, counting his slow breaths as they came from his parted lips. He was aware of her quiet scrutiny but rather than turn to meet her eyes he continued to read his book.
As she studied his portrait, a memory struck Bella of his human past as he had relayed it so many years before. Life in Texas, the army, and his meeting with Maria that had led him to his fate.
She had tried for days after that to locate the sound of his heritage in his voice as he spoke, but the traces of his southern accent were very thin, barely slipping out on certain words. The years had put such distance between this moment and his former life and she wondered if he still thought of that past at all.
Human memories were said to fade, yet there were many things Bella still remembered from her life very vividly. Though they were vivid, like movies she played in her head, she had a hard time connecting who she was to the girl she had known. Almost as if she had lost herself somewhere. She wondered if it was the same way for Jasper or if his experience would be different because he had lived lifetimes longer than she had.
She tried to imagine what he would look like human. Where the scorching Texas sun would have touched his cheeks and left its traces in bronze. It was difficult to imagine his skin looking any different than the smooth white surface she had become accustomed to. It was even more difficult to imagine him without his scars. Somehow it didn't seem right to even try because they were so much a part of who he was. The battles had shaped him, changed him, without them he would not be the person sitting before her. The scars were part of his beauty.
"What color were your eyes, Jasper?" she asked suddenly, not bothering to explain what she meant by the question, knowing he would understand. Looking at the darkening hazel of his eyes, changing minutely every day since he had hunted, she struggled to conjure them into her vision in a different hue, but failed.
He looked up from his book, a small smile on his face. He studied her for a moment, wondering what had transpired in her mind to bring about the question, but instead of asking he simply answered, "Blue."
"I can't see that, all I see is you as you are now," she said simply, biting her bottom lip in thought. "Maybe if I looked closer…I don't know."
In a flash he was next to her, sitting on the arm of her chair, his book on the floor between his chair and hers. Their faces were close to one another and his eyes were trained to hers, their pupils locked to one another without movement.
He allowed her to look at him for a moment, before he said, "I still remember the brown of yours. Looking at you reminded me of humanity, I cherished it. Even if every second you were near I was struggling with the urge to drain you of your life," he hesitated, and then added, "I'm glad I didn't."
Bella smiled, still concentrating on his eyes, trying to imagine the blue pools they might have been in life, but more than that she was unwilling to break the look that was passing between them. The way Jasper locked her in his stare, barely a foot from her face would have caused her heart to flutter if it had been capable of beating. Something unknown was passing between them, and she could feel the magnetic pull she felt years before when Edward had locked eyes with her. Then it had been the pull of hunter and prey, the trance a part of Edward's attractive biology, but this was something different.
Slowly he leaned forward, inches from her face, his expression changing and confusion passing behind his eyes. She stopped breathing for a moment, readying herself for the moment she knew was coming, relishing in the feel of his breath on her face.
His scent was so different from Edward's, muskier, less sweet, but still attractive.
Though part of her urged her to move forward and close the last inches between them, she pulled away and said instead, "Do you ever think about time?"
Jasper lingered on the arm of her chair for a moment, still leaning toward her, frozen in place and unsure of what had just happened. Shaking his head slowly, clearing his mind of the strange feelings that had overcome him moments before, he finally let out a deep breath and responded, "Of course."
She was relieved that he had so readily accepted the misdirection, but at the same time Bella felt strangely disappointed in herself for breaking the moment.
"You'll have to be more specific in what you mean about time if you want me to comment any further, Bella," Jasper continued, a weak smile on his face.
"How it moves, how it feels, what relation it has to us when we seem to have all the time in the world. So often it feels so stagnant to me, and then at other times it moves with alarming speed, like it isn't eternity at all, but something far more remote. I never feel connected with it…I don't understand my place in it."
Jasper leaned back, but remained seated on the arm of her chair instead of returning to his own. "To me, time moves like a drum beat, like marching, it has its own rhythm and cadence. It moves slowly when I try and study it and more quickly when I forget it's there. Feeling connected to it is a matter of feeling the cadence and moving with it."
Bella couldn't help but smile at Jasper's assessment even though her mind felt as lost in contemplation as ever. "That's my problem; it doesn't have a rhythm to me. It is just disjointed. I wish I could find the meaning to everything. I never understood how much more difficult it would be to find meaning once I knew I would never die."
"Human life is given importance by the knowledge that death is imminent. We lose that when we are changed, it causes us to change priorities, to question more. It's natural to feel that way Bella," Jasper replied, gently covering her hand with his own in reassurance. "I have had more time alone in my own mind, and I still haven't even begun to fully understand."
"I used to think Edward was the meaning for my life, for living, like I had been fated to meet him. But now…I don't know," Bella shook her head, and suddenly felt a sob building in her chest. "I wish you didn't make it so easy for me to talk about these things Jasper. It'd be easier to forget it."
"You wouldn't be able to forget it though, Bella. Trust me I know these troubled thoughts have a way of resurfacing…maybe you should try and talk to Edward about all of this…"
As if on cue, but more likely because he had heard his name spoken, the sound of the door opening cut off their conversation and they both turned to see Edward peaking his head in the door, a sheepish expression on his face. "I'm sorry I don't mean to interrupt…"
"You're not at all," Jasper said, smiling at him and standing up from his position on the arm of Bella's chair.
Bella attempted to smile at Edward as Jasper had though her mind was miles away, "Come in, please."
Edward came into the room, walking over to her chair and sitting in the same place Jasper had just occupied. He kissed Bella quickly, and then looked at Jasper expectantly. As if Jasper could read his mind and not the other way around, he excused himself from the room. With one parting look at Bella and a small nod he was out the door.
Neither spoke for a moment and Bella played with the idea Jasper had brought up moments before. Perhaps she should try and talk to Edward in the way that she had with Jasper.
"Do you ever think about time Edward?" she tested, turning her body to face him.
Edward smiled in the winning way that only he could, warming her heart instantly. "Of course I do, I think that we have all the time in the world to be with one another. Is that what you're worried about? If so, don't be absurd, you should know by now."
Her heart sank at his words, and she instantly felt ten years old in his presence. Instead of answering her with all the seriousness that Jasper had, he chose to reassure her like she was still her insecure seventeen year old self who believed he wasn't good enough for her. Back then she had worried that one day he would disappear, but she had long since understood the ridiculousness of that idea.
Attempting a bright smile, she held onto his hand. She had known Edward babied her and often reverted to his earliest notions of her, but never before had she felt such a sharp contrast of treatment between two individuals. Jasper treated her as an equal, and she loved that feeling, but Edward seemed unable to relate himself to her in any way other than that of the protector and hero. His belittlement of her question and of her position as his partner stung her keenly.
She thought back to Jasper's presence there moments before and she felt a strange longing from deep within her chest. As she looked up at Edward's face, she remembered Jasper leaning forward, staring directly into her eyes, seeing her, not just a shade of her.
A dangerous and surprising thought came to her so suddenly that she nearly started forward; she wished ardently that Jasper had kissed her.
She had never been more thankful that Edward could not read her mind than she was at that moment.