8 months later...
Today was the day he was getting out of rehab. He had called Rayna a few days ago to tell her, and she told him she'd be there. He had been excited, telling her he couldn't wait to see her - to kiss her. He was oblivious to what was to come.
In the past eight months, Rayna had decided to be with Teddy Conrad, the man who was her safe choice, who was the complete opposite of Deacon. She had told him that she was pregnant, and she was pretty confident it was Deacons, to which he never argued. They had both decided to do a paternity test once the baby was born, just to be sure. Teddy had also mentioned they should get married, to make it all official. He was traditional, Rayna was not, but she wanted to let Deacon go as much as she possibly could, and she felt this was the only way to tie herself completely down.
"Babe, i'm gonna head out an run some errands today, you know, grab some last minute stuff for the baby - for my hospital bag." she said to Teddy as he fumbled around with a build it yourself cot. They were setting up the nursery now, so they didn't have to do it when the baby arrives.
"Okay, ill come with you." he smiled.
"Oh, no no, i wont be long, and i kinda could do with some time on my own if i'm honest. Its gonna be hectic once baby arrives." she places her hand on her huge belly. The truth was, she was going to collect Deacon from rehab. There was no way she could tell Teddy that without him flipping out over the situation.
"Well just be careful, okay. Dont strain yourself, we dont want an early birth." he explained in his oh-so-formal ways.
"Yes boss." she laughed as she got herself ready. She had a pair of maternity leggings on, with a long top that covered her bump, plus a long jacket that was big enough for her to hide everything with. She threw on a pair of her cowboy boots, grabbed her hand bag, kissed her soon-to-be husband before heading out the door.
On the way to the rehab facility she felt nervous, and for good reason. She had been with Deacon for eleven years, and he was apart of her. He was in her blood. She knew seeing him again would bring back all those emotions that she's been trying so hard to store away for the past 8 months, but she had to do this. She couldn't avoid him forever.
She pulled into the parking lot. It was an over cast, cold day, which she was so thankful for considering she could wrap in all these layers to hide her bump. She was huge, but she wasn't huge to the point of not being able to cover it up. She hopped out of her car, and leaned against the front of her bonnet - waiting. She knew that any moment now, the man she has loved since she was 16 would be standing right in front of her.
10 minutes later, and there he was. The door swung open and out Deacon came. He saw her almost instantly and his face lit up. He made his way over to her, and noticed in her eyes how they were full of pain, but healing. She was healing.
"Hey." he smiled, looking into her eyes. He had waited for this moment for far too long, and now here he was.
"hey." she said, returning the smile. She didn't wanna lead him on, making him believe that she was here for him in any other way besides a friend. "People are staring, should we go down to our spot by the river, then we can chat?"
"sounds good." he said as he hopped in the passenger side.
They barely said a word the entire drive, but it was a comfortable silence. Rayna couldn't help but notice how truly clear his eyes looked, and how healthy he was. He was glowing, and she wondered in that moment if she had made the right decision by not waiting for him, letting him and their relationship go. She didn't have to much time to over think it as soon enough they were pulling up to their spot. Their picnic table.
They both made their way down to the table, Deacon once again jumping the wall. He had more spring in his step than she had possibly ever seen. It was like he was cleansed.
"So..." he started as he perched up on the wooden table, grabbing her hand to help stable her as she did the same. "whats been happening since iv'e been gone?"
Rayna couldn't look him in the eye so instead she just let her eyes fall onto the softly flowing stream in front of them. "ah, no, you first." she nervously laughed.
"Okay, well, this time around, i think its really worked. It was a different system, and more supportive staff..." he said, as he rested his elbows on his knees. "it feels different. I feel different."
In that moment her heart sunk. This time his positivity was even different, its like he really tried to make this work, like he really put in all his efforts to get sober. "Really?" she choked back her emotions.
"Yeah, i mean, i just feel almost like a new man, and damn it feels good." he smiled, before turning his head to look at her. That's when he noticed a few stray tears had fallen onto her cheeks. "hey, hey, whats the matter?"
She quickly wiped at them, taking a breath in the process, not wanting to break down completely right now. She had to be strong for herself and for her baby. Their baby. She just shook her head, not wanting to look into his eyes, or at him at all.
"Ray..what is it?" he almost seemed worried now. He thought she'd be happy that he was out, and that he was feeling more positive than he probably ever has. "You can tell me anything, okay. Anything at all."
In that moment she decided she doesn't have to speak, she can just show him. She slowly unbuttoned her jacket, his eyes intently watching her fingers unclasping the buttons before she pulled it back, revealing her pregnant belly. She closed her eyes, letting the pooling tears run down her cheeks. She didn't want to see Deacons reaction, but she made her self do it anyway. She looked at him.
"Oh." he said, his heart visibly sinking. "Wow." He clearly wasn't sure what to say, it was like the air had been sucked out of his lungs.
"I'm sorry." was all she could say. The thing was, this was his baby too, but she couldn't tell him that. Her and Teddy had agreed that he would raise their baby as his own, and Deacon would never know the wiser. She felt so bad, and truthfully, all she wanted, and all she had ever wanted was for her an Deacon to be a family. Now she was starting a family with another man, with her an Deacons child, and it felt so wrong to her, but she knew she just had to do it.
"Don't be sorry. Please don't be sorry." he softly smiled, wiping away her tears with his thumbs. He guessed this baby she was carrying was Teddy Conrads. "Teddy's?"
She nodded. She couldn't bring herself to say yes, because it was a complete and utter lie.
"So, are you two back together?" he asked gently, but his voice laced with sadness.
"Yeah, we are. We're getting married in a few days." she said, knowing that would be another blow to his heart.
"Married in a few days..." he said quietly, repeating what she had said, almost for his own benefit.
"the baby's due in a couple weeks, so we figured we'd get married before then." she said, turning to face him, grabbing his hands in his. She wanted to tell him how much she loves him and how sorry she is.
"I thought you were gonna wait for me..." he said, almost making her fall off the table. That one line hit her like a knife to the chest.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, i just couldn't. I wanted too, so badly, but i had to do this for my own sake. I had to let you go so that you could get better. I was holding you back, Deacon, and we both know it." she cried, as she gripped onto his hands. His skin against hers was so comforting for her and she forgot just how much she needed him, how she honestly doesn't think she could live without him in her life - in some way.
"I understand. Iv'e put you through so much that i honestly don't know how you stayed with me for as long as you did. I would do anything to be the one you're marrying in a few days, my baby that you'll be giving birth too, my lips you'll be kissing to sleep every night...but i get it." he said, tears brimming his eyes as he looked into hers. "I'm just so sorry. For everything."
She leaned over to him and placed a kiss upon his lips. It was so soft and so gentle that she felt like she could just melt into him right here and never leave, but she let go of him. "I love you, Deacon. I always have and i always will, but this is the best decision for both of us."
He just nodded, knowing that she was probably right - like usual. He wondered if he still had his job, if he would still be lead guitarist in her band. He had to know. "Do i still have a job, or should i find something else?"
Rayna hadn't even thought of that and it completely caught her off guard. "um, i'm not sure." she said, clearly her mind wandering over the situation. Her brain suddenly thought that she cant keep him away from her forever, because she is carrying his child. She wanted Deacon to have some sort of connection with him or her, just so that he can see his baby grow up. He wont be missing out completely. "i guess so. I mean, there would have to be boundaries obviously..."
He nodded before looking away to the water. "i know."
"well listen, you're still my lead guitarist if you want to be, but ill let you think about it and you can let me...or Bucky know." she said as she climbed off the table. She felt like she was gonna breakdown at any moment, she knew she had to get away from here.
"Okay, ill think about it."
"Id love to still have you round." she said, knowing it probably sounded so stupid considering everything she had just told him. "anyway, i have to get going. I'm glad you're doing so well, and once again, i'm sorry." she looked at him, into his eyes and noticed how teary they were. She felt so bad.
"You look good, Ray. You look happy." he said, his eyes trailing down to her bump. "You're gonna make such an amazing mama."
She gave him a sad smile, before nodding and walking away. her heart felt like it had been ripped out of her chest and stood on - numerous times. This wasn't how she wanted things to be. Not at all. All she wanted right now was to turn around, tell Deacon that this baby inside of her was in fact his, an lets be a family, but she cant. It wouldn't be healthy for her to do so, and she has to allow him to stay sober for himself, because clearly he wasn't able to do it with her around. She didn't look back, she just headed straight for her car, got in, and drove away.
She had finally let him go in a romantic aspect, something she didn't think she would ever really be able to bring herself to do. Her head was telling her she was doing the right thing, but her heart was not. This baby she would bring into this world...she wondered if it would look more like her, or more like him. She almost hoped it would be like him in the physical department, so that she could look into their babies eyes, and really see him staring back. It would be painful, but it would be like she had always dreamt.
She had let him go, but if she was honest with herself, she could never really let Deacon Claybourne go.