The first thing Sophie saw when she blinked open her eyes was a girl peering at her as if she was an over priced candy bar in Wal Mart. The girl had her head titled and didn't blink. Ever.

It took Sophie a minute to realize that the rest of the team were splattered around her, stirring slightly. The girl whipped her head when Eliot grunted "Get your fucking dick off my abdomen, Nate," but that was the only time she moved.

"Erm, hello." Sophie gave the girl a small wave.

To her surprise, the girl responded. "You're British. Mal won't be pleased." She stopped, squinting thoughtfully. "But Simon will. Possible mate for Simon. Lord knows he's incapable of achieving one by himself." She brought her gaze back to Sophie. "Have you already mated?" Her eyes gleamed.

Sophie could hear Eliot call from the back, "Don't do it! She's as wide as Kansas!"

Nate took this time to explore his surroundings. It seemed as if they were in some closet, except for the lack of door. Light streamed through cracks in the wall; enough to see everybody. As Nate made sure everybody was there, Parker squealed. "Hardison's not here! Hardison's not here!"

And he wasn't.

Hardison rubbed his head groggily as his eyes unblurred and he regained sight. He saw a mixture of crimson red and a soft yellow at first, but as his sight sharpened, he saw a figure sitting on a bed. Naked.

"EWWWWWW." He screeched until he realized the figure was a woman. Trying to be quiet after his screech, he crawled towards a closet, only making a few glass objects fall before he got there.

Inara turned to see a random black dude crawling on her floor. "What the fuck?"

Hardison quickly shoved his way into the closet, hoping that "wtf" wasn't about him.

It was.

Hardison meowed, hoping the woman would think he was a cat. Inara squinted. "You know, I've never understood black people, but that's just weird."

"Where the fuck are we?" Eliot was rubbing his head to get all the dust out of his soft, nonchalant hair.

"OMG, THERE'S HARDISON!" Parker pointed to a black guy typing on some electric keypad.

"Parker, that's not Hardison." Sophie soothed, patting the thief gently on the shoulder.

"Yes it is."

The four had quickly exited whatever room they were in, scrambling out like drunks. Outside was hot and dusty, as if they were in a western movie. The only problem? There was a shitload of technology everywhere.

Nate shuffled over to a young woman holding some ray gun. "Scuse me." Nate put on his sexy smile. "Would you mind telling me what modile of gun that is, the one your fingers are curled around as if it was Jesus?"

The woman scowled. "It's a Triple Double Ray 1,000,000. Are you stupid. Where's yours?" The woman tightened her grip on the handle, moving her index finger next to the trigger.

"wat."

"You ARE part of the Alliance, aren't you?"

"wat."

The creepy girl who talked to Sophie popped up. "They're not. But I am." She fiddled with her fingers, head twitching.

"Hm. You look kind of like that basket case that we're supposed to catch, but I'm going to contemplate the odds long enough for you to get away."

"Sounds fair." the girl nodded. She swiftly moved across the road, signaling for the team to follow.

They didn't.

"Mal, I really don't think it was a good idea to park right next to the biggest Alliance headquarters in this section of space."

Mal's cape/coat swept majestically across the floor. He had his heroic, I'm-cool look on his face, the one where his eyes droop lower than they should.

"Washy boy, you wouldn't know. I had special, explicit training as a lad; I know this stuff. Maybe you should concentrate on what you know, and I'll handle the big boy stuff, kay?"

Wash squinted, and was about to say something when Inara bombed out of her shuttle, screaming.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH." She went ape shit, and for reason she only had a flimsy towel on. A black guy was running after her.

"I'm sowwy! I didn't mean to!" He yelled, jumping past Malcolm. Mal grabbed him by the belt, but to his surprise his pants ripped and the black dude continued to run and scream.

"Okay." Nate was crouched in a corner, the team scrunched up behind him. "When I count to three, we run into that studio and steal everything."

"That's not a studio. It's a spaceship." Parker said bluntly.

"This is the worst con ever." Sophie groaned.

Eliot piped up from the rear. "I think I saw that stupid chick go in there." He creeped up to where Nate was. "I'll go first, so if we see a bunch of women, I can distract them by singing songs."

Nate growled, and Eliot retreated. "Sophie will go first; they'll kill her first and we'll have a two second lead."

Eliot nodded in agreement, and they shoved a struggling Sophie out in the open. At that precise moment, an almost nude woman came screaming out of the spaceship/studio. "SAVE ME! IF I WASN'T SO SOPHISTICATED I'D BE NUDE!"

Sophie beamed. "I'm Sophie-sticated."

Eliot growled. "That's really not that funny, Kansas."

Hardison stumbled after her, his spider man boxers exposed to the public.

Suddenly, a scary ship hovered down, steam rolling out from its bottom.

"Oh, no!" Mal had sprinted outside to follow Inara. "RUN! It's the Reavers!"

Eliot was in the middle of the street. He cupped his ear with his hand. "What? The Grim Reaper?"

"No, fool!" Zoe stormed at Eliot. "The Reavers!" She threw him into Serenity, cursing at the Leverage crew to follow.

"What year did you say we were in?"

"27462546263."

Nate, Sophie, Eliot, Hardison, and Parker were all on their knees in the cargo bay of Serenity, their hands tied behind their backs.

Mal was pacing back and forth in front of them, his heroic cape tickling their noses. He stopped at Eliot. "Why, what do we have here? Someone who doesn't understand what Reavers are. Someone who needs to be told the year. You scream government, boy." Mal said boy as if he was ten years older than Eliot.

Eliot growled. "If you don't mind, will you please get your fucking dick-" he paused. "Out of my face."

Mal looked taken back. "What?

"You heard me." Eliot snorted. "Get your FUCKING DICK out of my face. And as you're so kindly doing that, can you please get your balls away, too?"

Simon giggled. Everybody on Serenity was standing to watch the display. Inara put on her whore clothes, and avoided eye contact with Hardison. Only one person wasn't there; River.

"Where's River?" Kaylee whipped her head around. "Oh god, she's DEAD."

Simon screamed, and crumpled to the floor. His wails were drowned out by Jayne's shouts of joy.

"Aw, damn." Jayne grunted. "There she is." He pointed to a bunch of boxes, where River was peering at the crowd.

Eliot rolled his eyes, but Parker squealed. "IT'S BASKET CASE!"

Simon seemed offended. "I'd hit you for calling River crazy but that's wrong and I have a slight, embarrassing crush on you."

Kaylee's face fell, along with River's. "No." she said firmly, gripping a piece of scrap paper in her fist. "Sophie is the one you want." She looked into the distance. "Sophie's genetics has the best possible outcome for my niece or nephew."

"Um, River." Inara stared at her. "You don't say stuff like that."

Nate was squirming towards one of the rooms this whole time, and screamed like a girl when he got there. Unfortunately everybody heard this, and Jayne quickly grabbed him, pressing his boot against Nate's soft face.

Parker squirmed out of the ties around her wrists and jumped up, running towards the exit. "FREEDOM!" She screamed as she put her hands in the air.

Jayne shifted slightly, and Parker toppled over.

"Who the hell are you people?"