Surprisingly enough, Neal seemed as if he was going to be able to pretend that nothing had happened. There awkward moments were minimal and Kel thought they could still be friends, even with her slip of mouth. They'd talked for a long time before Kel finally had to go tell Raoul where she'd been. He was also very nice about the whole situation, but then, she had purposefully failed to mention the true reason she'd slept in the stables. She suspected he didn't buy her fresh air, but he wasn't going to push it.

Even though everything was back to normal with her friends, it was not with herself. She passed by the mirror hanging in her room, and paused. The face looking back at her wasn't one tnat she recognized. She didn't look at it often, and it seemed to be a stranger to her eyes. Her shoulders seemed broader, her features bigger. Sje didn't have any petite charms that a lady ought to have. Maybe she really was just a boy who was unfortunate enough to have breasts.

Cleon came to visit her one-day when Inness had some back from the North. He was just in time to receive her in a terrible mood. She'd gone into town and was confused for a boy. This never would have bothered her before but today it nagged at her.

"Kel, are you alright?" Cleon asked. "You seem really quiet."

"Yes-" she started, but her frustration got the better of her. "No, actually." She looked at him seriously. "Am I ugly? Is there something wrong with me?" Again, she had to fight to keep even one tear from sliding from her eyes. She was being torn apart. Day by day, her mind ripped her a little more.

Cleon pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight. "No." He squeezed her a little tighter and asked. "Whoever told you that?"

"No one," she said. It was the truth. No one had needed to tell her, she'd just gotten a shove in the right direction. Neal's rejection was an indication of her physical shortcomings. It was the only possible explanation for him not wanting to take their friendship to the next level.

"Don't ever let anyone ever make you believe that, Kel," Cleon said, wiping her loose hairs away from her face. "Not me, not your sisters, not Joren, not even Neal."

Kel stiffened at the mention of Neal's name and instantly wished she hadn't. Cleon jumped up, anger rising to the surface of his features. Holding her at arms length his eyes took hold of hers. "He did this to you didn't he? He brought on these absolutely ridiculous notions."

She shook her head, pushing him away from her "No, Cleon! He didn't, I did. I'm just ugly. So ugly that no one would ever love me!" She was shouting now, and getting dangerously close to the point of hitting something. "It's just me!"

"Kel listen to yourself!" Cleon shouted back, just as loud

"No, listen to you! Stop trying to lie and make me feel better! You could walk into a ballroom and have a million girls swarming around you! I know; I've seen it!" She knew the words were harsh, but she couldn't stop them. Cleon threw his hands in the air and stalked out of the room.

"I HATE them! I hate them all!" She screamed at no one in particular. "No man will EVER be worth my time!"

It was at that moment that Kel knew she was better off alone anyway. She was training to get her shield and leave, not to fall in love. She didn't need love or anything that it brought with it. A knight's life didn't mix well with romance, after all. It meant nothing to her, except a distraction. Knowing her own face in the mirror was more important than someone else liking it. If she dressed up, it was to please her, no one else.

Most of her friends were away. Owen and Wyldon had gone to fight raider, Cleon and Inness went North, Alanna and Neal were visiting the Swoop, and Roald was busy doing whatever princes do. Shinko was available occasionally, but her upcoming marriage kept her busy. Life was essentially at a standstill for Kel. The Third Company hadn't been sent to do anything, which meant her jousting lessons became more and more frequent. Everyday she still got pounded and felt like she'd been hit by an avalanche, but it hurt a little less each time. She would take that over sitting around anyway.

Sweat dripped into her eye as she swung her glaive, working a tough pattern. She ignored it and kept turning, slicing, retrieving, charging. A knock on the door interrupted her focus. Sighing, she set her glaive down and went to see who was calling. She couldn't imagine who it might be, no one was here. She opened the door to find Roald waiting outside, a tray of muffins and green tea with him

"Oh, hi Roald. What brings you?" She asked.

He shrugged, setting the tray down at the small table in her room. "I don't know about you, but I've been terribly bored with everyone gone. I figured we might enjoy each other's company."

She smiled, relieved that some one else was feeling as lonely and useless as she was. "I have been bored and would very much like the company."

"I hear Neal is having such a very wonderful time with Lady Alanna," Roald said, sarcasm nearly visible as it dripped off his tongue.

Kel chuckled at that. "You could put it that way." Both knew very well that Neal was probably trying his best to survive a barrage of unnecessary insults and lectures. Some day he would learn to accept what he so willingly dished out.

The flow of their conversation was interrupted by the dissonant sound of bells chiming throughout the halls and corridors of the palace. Unfortunately Kel was still required to adhere to the lights out rule. Knowingly, Roald gathered up the tray and rose from his seat.

"Will you come back tomorrow?" Kel asked, standing with him. She had really enjoyed the night. This was a new side of Roald, not the Roald that wanted to make everyone happy and sat at different tables in the mess hall every night. She'd met who he was as a person, not as a diplomat.

He nodded. They walked to the door but when they got there she froze. He was looking at her strangely, like he was trying to see though her, but into her. There was something different in his eyes. "Roald?"

Before she could register what was happening, he leaned in and kissed her. Unable to help herself she kissed him back. She arched into him, her pelvis against his, in response to his hands gripping her lower back. Just as swiftly as it had started the kiss ended. She wanted more, but Roald left, leaving her panting in the doorway.

"Kel?" A cheery Yamani voice called. "Have you seen Roald?"

A traitorous sickness rose in her as the reality of what she'd just done struck her. Fighting the urge to slam the door and hide it, she waited for her old friend.