Chapter, 2 waking nightmare
The months always seemed like years now. Max had become increasingly annoying. She never said much, but when she did there was always something that made me want to claw my eyes out.
She continued to assault me by night with her own form of torture, the dreams became horrible. I would find my self searching franticly for the flock. Until it was no longer, just Max that needed and loved them. It was me as well. And this was horrifying.
"Storm rider, you need to talk to me." The healer said to me as he sat in the Blue chair across from me. I had been sitting here for an hour, and hadn't said a word.
Instead of answering him I looked out the window to see the small pond, and the coy fish in the water instead of the comforters deep blue eyes. I could hear the comforter sigh and shift in the chair. "Maybe we could talk about something else?" he said, hesitantly. I let out a breath of air and dropped my eyes to the cream yellow carpet beneath my sneakers.
"How is your calling going?" he asked curiously. I reached up and nervously tugged at my pony tail. "I enjoy writing very much, thank you." I told him finally raising my eyes to his face. He smiled and nodded encouragingly, his long blonde hair flopped over his forehead and I suppressed a smile that had happened to Iggy a lot. 'No!' I thought. This was why I was here. But I didn't want help. Comforters were for the weak, for others. Not for me.
I sighed and looked up at him. "What do you write about?" he asked. I looked down at my hands. They were long and thin, scarred from countless battles. My skin was a light creamy peach and covered in freckles. I looked down intensely at the freckle on my thumb as I answered.
"I write mostly about," I took a deep breath to steady myself, "finding lost loves, and families reuniting." I grimaced as I heard him write something in his notepad. He said nothing for a moment. It made me anxious. I wanted something to do. Busy hands, always calmed me down. They calmed Max too. She was used to cradling Angel, or messing up Gazzys hair. Fighting, and doing other things around the flock. Having nothing to do was un-nerving to both us.
After what could have been forever, the Comforter spoke again. "They still haunt you don't they? It's no longer just the memories that love them, love him. Its you too." I winced and continued to look down at my hands.
It was silent for a while more. When I looked up, the Comforter's face was kind and understanding. He was not angry. He looked like he really and truly wanted to help. 'Ugh, you're all very creepy. I don't get how you can be so kind to everyone. It's just so wrong.' Max hissed sarcastically. I hated it when she did that. 'He is doing his job, Max. He is naturally kind. He is a soul that's how it works with us.' I answered her. She grumbled at me unintelligibly and I almost smiled in spite of myself. She could be so crazy sometimes.
I looked up at the Comforter he was still waiting for an answer. I looked up and let the appalling truth come from my lips. "The memories have only gotten stronger. I can't even tell mine from hers anymore. And I" I faltered, what was I going to tell him that I had fallen in love with Fang? That I wanted to brush back Angels tangled curls, Slap my hand over Nudges mouth to stop her from talking? That I wanted to have to plug my nose after one of Gazzys 'gifts' and that I wanted to yell at Iggy for blowing up something? How was I supposed to tell him that Max was still so strong in my head that I was scared that someday I wouldn't be here anymore?
He watched me as I considered this all in my head. I was terrified of telling him all of this but I needed to say something. I looked back into his eyes. "I have completely lost the sense of who I am. I can't stand not being with them. It's like I once actually lived with them, and took care of them. I hate this. But there is nothing I can do." The comforter watched me for a moment, before he stood and set his clipboard down on the table next to his chair. I watched him carefully, Max was tight, and on edge, she was suspicious. 'It's a hard habit to break.' She snapped and watched him with fire in her heart. It was hard for her, even now when she was so smug that I had finally admitted her power. She had been through so much that even this made her want to run away. I tried not to feel pity. She was a nuisance not another soul. I couldn't grow sympathetic to my host. And I feared that this would end badly now that I had seen the light on Max.
The healer sat down on the futon but my knees. He heaved a deep sigh. And I looked at my hands again, they had suddenly grown fascinating. I heard Max chuckle. But I ignored her. She was the problem. 'Am not!' she said pretending to be outraged.
"Storm Rider, look at me please." The comforter said. His voice betrayed only a tiny bit of worry. I slowly looked up and at him. He was studying me closely. Observing me. This made Max want to be sick. She'd been observed enough in her life. The pain was evident in my face, and I knew it. He watched me a moment longer before nodding. "Maybe you should come back tomorrow and we can talk then, you must be exhausted." His voice held concern for me. I ducked my head and nodded.
Without looking up at him I got up and headed to the door. I paused on the thresh hold. So quietly that it was barely a breath, just loud enough for him to hear, I whispered "Thank you."
I left knowing that I would not be back tomorrow to talk about my waking nightmare. It was painful enough as it was.
I walked home very slowly. The sun was just setting in the western sky, and now the orangey glow glanced off of my hair, making it shine brightly in the light of the setting sun. My hair fell in waves to the center of my back now; it was in a pony tail. I felt like running, all the way home. To feel the muscles pull over the bones, and hear the pounding of my feet against the hard ground.
At this point I didn't care anymore what others would think, so I changed my pace to a long stride then jogging, and then I was running. It felt good, to run for pleasure rather than fear. Max had always run out of fear, the fear of the hunted.
Halfway home, a light rain started to fall, and soon I was damp. My light baggy t-shirt was stuck to my skin and my light jeans clung to my legs. My sneakers absorbed the rain water and pounded against the wet pavement. Max relished in the feeling of the rain on my skin, as did I.
I took a few turns and ran right past my house. It was now night and that only made the sensation of running in the rain, better. It was so good to both of us. And for a moment we forgot to hate each other. And ran as equals. I stopped short at the bluff overlooking the desert, we looked out over the blank desert. Saw the endless sky, the pale sand and rocks. The occasional dark green of a cactus. It made me think of my life. How empty, like the desert and the only beauty was that of my writing. It made me feel lost.
'You shouldn't be so sad.' Max said, her thought was tinted with annoyance and a tiny bit of unwilling compassion. I didn't answer her. And
She didn't say anymore. We both just looked out over the flat faceless desert. It made her think of the many times that she and the flock had flown in the sky's looking down. Forever looking for a home. It was sad. But still happier because she had been with the ones she loved most in the entire world.
I tried to feel nothing, and look at what was before me with a blank mind. It was nearly impossible. And made me want to be away. Far away.
I don't know how log I stood there, in the rain. But after countless minutes I turned and walked back to my house. The rain picked up and I raised my face to it. Willing it to wash away all my pain and suffering. The cool drops pelted my face and made me sigh in content. Max watched all of this with a soft understanding. It made her happy to see me facing what was right in front of my face. I was not the same person, who had come to this planet. I was permanently altered. And it felt damn good.
I continued walking and soon reached my front door. The pale wood door was already open, frowning. I stepped back, Max was uneasy. She wanted me to run away again. She wanted to jump into the air and unfold her wings. To soar, and get away. To where she truly belonged. But I shook my head, gritted my teeth and gently pushed the door open. 'Stupid!' Max scolded. She was wound tight and I found my legs tensing as if getting ready to run. I of course knew that there was nothing to fear. It should have been easy to banish her from my legs. But she was to strong right now. I lost my focus and shook my head.
Making my legs move forward, I cautiously rounded the corner to the living room. What I saw made my knees go weak with relief. The seeker from my insertion sat on my couch. She was wearing a light purple top and floral skirt. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a bun in the back of her head, with her bangs falling to either side of her face. I looked at her through my wet bangs that covered my right eye. She looked a little un-nerved at my appearance. I was sopping wet, standing in the middle of my living room.
I did not move and she continued to stare at me. Finally Max unfroze in my head. 'Well. This is odd.' She said. I held back a snort. 'God, how do you do that?' I asked her. 'Do what?' she asked, confused. I sighed and shook my head in exasperation.
The seeker watched me in confusion. After a moment, I turned abruptly and walked form the room. I could hear her get up from the couch and hover for a moment. As though she didn't know what to do with herself. Max smiled smugly in my head. And I laughed silently, as I changed my clothes.
When I was finished I went back out to meet the seeker.