Take Two!

There was a sudden flash of light and a great "oof!" sound came from a cupboard under the stairs.

Harry prised an eye open and looked round.

'What the…The Hell am I doing back here?! I've already done this for Merlin's sake!'

Harry sighed. Oh well, round two I suppose.

He pointed his feet towards the door and started kicking.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

'WHAT THE RUDDY HELL ARE YOU DOING BOY?!'

Vernon came over just as the door was finally kicked open. It hit him right in the…err…meat and two veggies. Vernon let out a squeak...I mean a manly groan and dropped like a boulder. Harry clambered out the cupboard and stretched out the kinks.

'If I'm gonna have to do this again then I'm doing things differently!'

He groaned as his muscles protested both the fall and being crammed into the cupboard.

'Urgh! They really have to make that bloody thing larger!'

He paused mid stretch. Larger? A wide grin spread across his face and he dived back in the opening and pulled the door shut.

Vernon finally recovered and hauled himself to his feet.

'BOY GET YOUR ARSE BACK HERE AND INTO THAT…cupboard?!'

He stared blankly as the sound of sawing and hammering and drilling came from the tiny space. He scratched his head when he then heard a catcall and a "hey pretty lady!" followed by a girlish titter.

'Must have hit my head when I fell' he murmured, heading back to the dinning room to finish his meal.

A few hours later the cupboard lock snicked open and Harry crawled back out.

'TA DA!'

He pouted when he realised no-one was around to see his work.

'Aww…Ah well'.

And he headed upstairs to steal…borrow all of Dudley's toys. He'd fix the broken ones later.

OOO

'I'd like a trunk with the biggest space you can put in it!'

The shop keeper's eyes widened.

'You don't mean…?!'

Harry leaned over the counter.

'Oh I mean'.

'THE SUPER DELUXE ULTRA GIGANTIC LARGE SPACE IN A TRUNK!'

'I'll have it done in an hour' the keeper cackled, rubbing his hands together.

Harry tipped his invisible hat and headed out to go to the bank. No really he did have an invisible hat. It was multi coloured with sparkles and a big pair of antlers on the top. No really!

A woman started as she was pushed to the side. She was pretty sure the young black haired child hadn't been that close to her.

Told you, nice big antlers.

OOO

'Alrighty Mr Goblin here's what I want. I want all my nick nacks in a wizard space bag. I want all my money moved from all my vaults and put into a brand new vault hidden in the core of the earth surrounded by molten larva. I want a credit card so I can buy things in the muggle world and I don't want you to tell me you don't have one cause I've read plenty of Harry Potter fanfiction bub! Oh and I'd like my family ring and I want to be able to pay with it'.

Harry gave a sweet smile. The Goblin gave a shark like grin.

'That's what I like to see! Customers that know what they want and know how to get it!'

He clicked his fingers.

'All done! Here's your card and your bag full of everything that wasn't money from your vaults. And here's your ring'.

'Ta much!' Harry called as he ran out the door.

OOO

'Here's your trunk'.

Harry opened it carefully and peeked inside. There was a heavenly light and the sound of a choir.

'Oooh…Nice!'

'That'll be…um…you know what you can have it for free since I'm clearly a crazy person for letting a child have such an awesome godlike trunk'.

'Cool, thanks!'

Harry left the shop and looked round. Time to clean out this one horse town. Or was that clean up? Harry cackled. No, definitely clean out.

OOO

There was nothing…absolutely nothing…

The aurors came when several calls rang through the ministry of a mysterious kid running round the alley causing problems. When they arrived they were met by angry customers and positively gleeful shop owners. It took a while but eventually they got the story. A young kid had ran into each and every store and cleaned them out. No really he'd bought absolutely everything, shelves and all. The other customers weren't happy, the shop keepers could take early retirement. Even the shops in Knockturn were empty, and Mr Ollivander was found staring blankly at his four bare walls. When questioned the man only had this to say.

'I hadn't realised it was so large in here. ECHOOOOO…!'

OOO

Harry threw his trunk back into his cupboard, ignoring the sound of smashing glass from within. He could always go to France to replace what he'd broken. As he closed the door he suddenly realised he really needed someone to organise his trunk for him. He could have done it himself, but he was a lazy sod.

'DOBBY! WINKY!'

Twin pops signalled the arrival of the Elves. They were about to question what Harry called them here, when Harry opened his trunk and let them see inside.

Winky was awe inspired. So much mess! With a squeal of pure joy she popped away, told Crouch he could stuff it, popped back and dove head first into the trunk.

Dobby was a little more relaxed about it. He calmly popped to the Malfoys, picked up the horrible black diary hidden in the library, and started beating the crap out of Lucius. He paused when the man's girlish screams were echoed by the diary. Shrugging the little Elf continued to bash Lucius. He paused again when the book started oozing out a gloopy black ooze. Dobby's eyes twinkled and he started racing round the manor, covering everything he could with the stuff and laughing like a maniac. Finally he was finished and dropped the diary on Lucius' head.

'Dobby quits!' he announced, popping back to help clean up the delightfully messy trunk with his new friend Winky.

OOO

'GET YOUR WANDS HERE! GENUINE HAND MADE WANDS! ONLY FIVE GALLEONS!'

On retrospect it was a bit silly to buy every wand in Ollivander's. So Harry was making his money back on the Hogwarts Express. Kids were flocking to him, even some of the older ones who already had a wand. Harry made sure his past/future friends were matched with their correct wands. He grinned when a familiar blonde pushed through the crowds.

'How dare you buy all those wands?! I demand to be given one for free!'

Harry peered thoughtfully at the boy.

'Are you sure you're supposed to be on this train? You don't look like a wizard to me'.

Draco's cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk.

'Of course I belong here! What do you think I am?!'

'A ferret hiding as a human!' Harry happily supplied.

The blonde started making noises, Harry supposed they were meant to mean he was so angry he couldn't talk. Sounded like a rabies induced chipmunk to him

'Fine. Here, you and your gorilla friends can have these wands. Eight galleons each!'

'EIGHT GALLEONS! YOU WERE ONLY CHARGING FIVE FOR THE OTHERS!'

'Yes, but you are special, so you need special wands, and special wands like yours cost more because they are made from special ingredients' Harry replied slowly and clearly.

The blonde deflated and happily handed over the money, leaving with Crabbe and Goyle and boasting of his special wand.

'How come he gets a special wand?!' someone complained.

'Cause he's special! Here if you want one as well I've got a few left'.

And he brought out a bunch of twigs he'd found in the park. They were snapped out his hands and the galleons flowed in. He was left somewhat flabbergasted as the students fought over the special wands.

'It was a joke' he supplied, but no-one paid any attention.

OOO

'First years over here!'

Harry ignored the half giant and instead ran to catch up with a familiar pair of red heads.

'Can I share?'

Fred and George grinned and hauled him into the carriage.

'Not even sorted yet…'

'And you've done your first prank!'

They wiped away an invisible tear.

'We're so proud of you!'

Harry grinned.

'But of course! What else could you expect from the son of Prongs?'

And thus a friendship was made, one that would cause students and teachers alike to shudder in fear in the upcoming years.

OOO

'Harry Potter!'

He plopped himself down and the hat fell over his eyes. The hall fell silent, eagerly waiting for the hat to call out.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

'What's taking so long?' someone whispered to the person next to him.

Professor McGonagall tapped her foot impatiently, discretely casting a time spell.

'Half an hour, you have to be kidding me' she muttered, reaching over and lifting the hat from the boy's head.

'Do you mind?! I was right in the middle of a joke!'

'Oh. Sorry'.

And she sat the hat back down.

'Thank you, now as I was saying Mr Potter, the Leprechaun said to the Vampire…'

OOO

'HARRY! Harry come here you've got to see this!'

Not like he had a choice, the twins chose an arm each and dragged him down the corridor.

'Check it out Harry, we've found a great new way to prank people!' Fred (or was it George) exclaimed.

'Here look we'll show you!' George (or perhaps this one was Fred) followed.

Harry shrugged and watched as one twin ran off to find a victi...volunteer to try out this new...whatever it was.

A few minutes later the twin (ok he was sure this was George, maybe) came back with a rather unlucky student.

'Ok, all you have to do is stand riiight there'.

'Just stand here?'

'Yep'.

'And you won't hex me?'

'Nope'.

'Or make me eat anything?'

'Nope'.

'And at the end of this you'll speak to Lee about, you know...?'

'That you'll love him forever and want his babies, yep'.

The girl, blushing furiously, peered at the twin (no wait it was Fred, he was sure of it, sort of), then appeared happy with the arrangement, though a bit miffed at...which ever twin it was, spouting off her love for Lee Jordan.

'Alright then'.

Twin one grinned and glanced at twin two.

'Ready?'

'Ready?'

'Ready for what?!' the girl cried, but of course she was too late.

'Pull the lever, Gred!'

*Yank*

'WRONG LEVERRrrrrr...!'

A few minutes later a door off to the left slammed open and a sodden twin trudged back into the room.

'Why do they even have that lever?' he mumbled, kicking an alligator off his foot. It whimpered and scuttled back down the stairs.

'Hey that was fun!' the girl grinned.

Both twins gave her a glare and she meeped and scuttled away. Harry fought a grin.

'So...what does the other lever do then?'

'SHADDUP HARRY!'

Harry shut up.

OOO

All in all Hogwarts was turning out to be the same crazy school.

At least Harry had flying, he LOVED flying. Why couldn't all his classes be flying?!

Blonde ferret was annoying as usual. He and his friends gorilla one and gorilla two kept harassing Harry. It was irritating, but Harry could handle irritating.

Ferret called him scarface, Harry chased him down the corridor yielding his potion knife. Ferret insulted his mother, Harry tied him down and put make up on him. Ferret tripped him with a spell, Harry kicked him in the nuts.

Same old.

Of course bat of the dungeon, that's actually kinda mean lets just call him Snape, didn't like it when Harry bullied ferret. Harry had lost count of the amount of detentions he received, and barely a month had passed. His housemates might have been angry about him loosing so many points, but they were far too busy laughing their butts off at his anti-bullying tactics.

And just like the Dursleys the first...second…whatever time, it took ferret boy a long time to learn that when he opened his mouth, he was probably going to get hurt or humiliated.

But Harry was a perfect teacher, always patient and willing to lend a hand, or a foot, or a wand, or that one time where he just used his outdoor voice.

Who'd a known gorillas got spooked when someone screamed. Ferret certainly didn't, pity he didn't jump out the way either.

OOO

'Hagrid, can I borrow one of your roosters for a minute'.

'Uh…sure Harry'.

Harry grinned and grabbed the nearest bird, ignoring its squawks of indignation and ran to the girl's bathroom.

'Hi Myrtle! Be back in just a second!'

The ghost watched bewildered as the kid hissed the sink open and jumped down the hole. She hovered over the opening, wondering what was going on. A few moments later there was an almighty kerfuffle, a cut off squawk and a bought of evil laughter and she could hear something large and slippery start slithering away for its life. She jumped back when Harry suddenly appeared, a big grin on his face.

'Basilisks don't like cocks! Did you know that?!'

Myrtle blinked in confusion as the sink closed up and the boy headed out the room, his laughter echoing down the corridor. She wondered what happened to the rooster.

OOO

'YOU ARE MY MINIONS AND I AM YOUR OVERLORD, FEAR ME!'

And people did. It was probably because the twins were standing behind him giving the crowd evil grins, but Harry didn't need to know that.

OOO

'Zzzap!'

Where the All Powerful, Defeater of Grindelwald, Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore once stood, Albus the goat now occupied the space.

Harry grinned.

'Guess where you're going, you old goat'.

When the headmaster started to protest, Harry held up a bag of lemon drops on a string, and any argument stopped as the goat happily trotted along after him.

Through the school corridors, down a secret passageway, and off to the pub. Harry finally let Dumbledore have his lemon drops, knocked on the dingy door, and high tailed it down the street, laughing evilly.

The door opened, Aberforth stuck his head out.

'Oh my, well aren't you a fine example of a Capra Aegagrus Hircus. Very fine indeed. Are you lost my handsome one? Would you like to come inside?'

Dumbledore saw the gleam in his brother's eyes. He said the only thing he could.

'BAAA!'

'WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU TURN ALBUS DUMBLEDORE INTO A GOAT?!' Hermione screeched.

Over from them Ron and the others sat.

'Wait for it...' Ron said quietly.

'Because he always spoke in Riddles!' Harry declared.

Hermione smacked her forehead, everyone else laughed.

OOO

'Harry, are you alright?'

'Hmm…oh sure, I'm fine. To-ta-lly fine. Absolutely dandy'.

I want him! I want to own him! I want to possess him! I want to force him on his knees! I want to tie him to my bed…!

Wait wasn't I supposed to meet him next year?

Oh well…I want to chain him to a table! I want to whip him till he begs! I want to…

'HARRY!'

'Huh…watzat…?'

Harry finally came to and took note of his surroundings. He spotted one glaringly obvious thing immediately.

Aww I forgot he was Draco's father! Damn!

Then Harry grinned. He was pretty sure that there was a rule against breaking up married couples. And he was all for breaking a few pesky rules to suit his needs. Narcissa surely wouldn't mind.

He will be mine! He will be my plaything! He will obey my every command! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

'Harry You're zoning out again'.

Harry sighed, he could never find peace to make his diabolical plans anymore.

OOO

'May I present to you, the Room of Requirement!'

And that was how Harry Potter lost the Weasley twins. Harry was sure they were still in that room somewhere, creating pranks and bribing the ghosts and the Elves to wrecking havoc on the school. He tried a few times to find them, but it seemed the castle had grown fond of the pair and prevented them from ever being found, even by Harry. At times the students and teachers could hear their echoed cackling.

Weasley Wizard Wheezes opened up the next year, although no-one could ever figure out how a pair of fourth years were able to convince the castle to let them set up shop within her walls. Or how they were able to recruit a Werewolf and an escaped prisoner from Azkaban. Oh wait, that part was supposed to be a secret.

Nor could any of the teachers figure out where the shop was so they could shut it down.

The place became the most popular shop in wizarding Britain, since Diagon Alley was still recovering from operation clean out.

OOO

'Dobby get me the ring, the diary…'

'I has already smushed the diary into tiny pieces!'

'Great! Then grab the ring and the locket! Winky you get the diadem and the cup!'

The pair saluted and popped away. Harry pondered for a moment how the Elf had gotten a hold of the diary. Then he remembered one of Draco's rants to a random Slytherin.

"Stupid thing nearly killed father! Just started bashing him with a mouldy old book! THEN he had the nerve to smear gunk all over my brand new clothes! If I get a hold of that bloody Elf I'll order him to cook himself in the oven!"

Harry couldn't stop laughing for nearly an hour. The Gryffindors edged away from him.

OOO

Harry waved his wand in a determined manner, eyes scrunched up in concentration.

'Horcruxeus put back togetherus!'

The little slithers of soul leaped out the items, and his forehead, and zoomed towards the defence classroom. Quirrell didn't know what hit him. Unfortunately, since Quirrell was being possessed by Mouldywarts at the time, the end result was not two full people like Harry wanted. It looked more like a horrible experiment gone wrong.

*The next day in class*

'Who can tell me the best way to deter a Hinkypunk?'

'No! Who can tell ME how to summon legions of the dead?!'

'Will you stop that I'm trying to teach!'

'And I'm trying to take over the world!'

Quirrell slammed his head down on the desk, which coincidently meant Mouldywarts was forced to do the same.

'That hurt you idiot!'

'It was supposed to you ugly greasy bat!'

'I'm not Severus I'm Voldemort!'

Harry's new favourite class was now defence. EVERYBODY'S new favourite class was now defence. Sure, they didn't learn anything, but what better way to unwind from a hard days learning than to sit back with some popcorn and watch the Quirrell and Mouldy show!

A happy end to the story. And it wasn't even Christmas yet!