O Romeo, Where Art Thou?

Summary: The story of Romeo and Juliet, twisted, and made into awesome perfection. With me as the narrator, what could possibly go wrong? EVERY-FREAKING-THING!
Rating: T+
Warnings?: OC Story, insults, offensive content, killing, people being stupid, Cyan rapes Ceres, cross dressing, making out, swearing, and 'yo momma' jokes. This chapter is interrupted a lot by me.

Act I, Scene III

Lady Kaoru appeared in the kitchen to see his son's 'nurse' preparing a drink for herself. The black haired man saw the dull brown haired boy take a sip, before questioning him.

- "Nurse Josiah," Kaoru said. "Bring me Ike."

- "As I swear I was a virgin at the age of twelve," the mute nurse signed. "I will bring you your son, but I know not where he is."

- "Fine." The nurse cringed at Lady Kaoru's harsh tone. "I shall call him. IKE!"

Entering through the double doors, Ike stepped forward, an extremely pissy expression on his face, causing his eyes to appear the darkest shade of green. He stands there in an orange gown and headdress. He looks at me with anger in his gaze, and his voice sharp with venom.

- "I fucking hate you, ReaRea." I shrug him off and make him continue with the story. "You called, Father?"

- "I wish to speak with you alone," Kaoru eyed Josiah. "Leave, ma'am."

- "He's not even fourteen." Kaoru nodded.

- "He shall be in two weeks and a few days," the father of Ike said. His nurse groaned.

- "I will hear what you say, sir," Josiah signed, with a bored look crossing his face. Kaoru sighed.

- "Very well. Ike," Kaoru said. "Tonight, we are hosting a party. You shall meet Prince Matthias' kinsman, Alyce, who you are to wed."

- "Wait! Ugh, did Adriana give someone permission to marry me?" Ike coughed. "I'm a man! I can pick my own bride!"

- "Not in that dress," I say quietly, and Josiah, Kaoru, and Ike glare at me. "Pardon me."

- "Rea does have a point," Kaoru said. "You are playing Juliet."

- "Marry?" Josiah imitated a spitting action. "As if you and Kaoru have a say to whom he marries."

- "THANK YOU!" Ike said.

- "It be I who does, for I took care of him as a child!" Kaoru scoffed.

- "Your lucky we even kept your mute ass around!"

- "If it were not for me, Lady Kaoru, your son would be dead!" Josiah groaned. "For God sakes, he learned about intercourse from me!"

- "That is enough, Josiah," Kaoru looked at Ike. "What are your views on marriage?"

- "Why does it matter now? Seeing as I'm going to be forced into it anyway." Ike sighed and told them "I seriously don't want to be tied down."

- "Well, too bad. Start thinking about your future… You'll be a father soon!" Kaoru sighed. "Alyce, the valiant, seeks your love."

- "You told me." Josiah looked shock.

- "How the hell did you hook her up with that?" Josiah pointed to Ike, and Ike felt offended.

- "I don't know what she sees in him."

- "She's perfect! Like… CHOCOLATE!"

- "I KNOW!"

- "I won't like him."

- "Can you try, Ike?"

- "Get me out of this dress and yes."

I look up from my book and glare.

- "No. Ike, you stay in that damn dress."

- "Then he goes unloved." The door opened, and the chef who is named Peaches walks in.

- "The guest are here, Lady Kaoru."

- "Come now, Ike. The part is waiting." Josiah tapped Ike on the shoulder and signed to the blond with blue, green, and black streaks in his hair…

- "Seek happiness tonight, boy…" Ike smiled and nodded.

Act I, Scene IV

A group of partygoers were approaching the Capulet house, and alongside them was the yellow haired Calista, her French cousin Miette, and Bonita, a kinsman of the Prince. All are wearing masks.

- "Okay, so, if we get caught, here's the story…" Calista went over with Miette and Bonita.

- "It doesn't need to be your life story," Miette criticized.

- "Okay, well," Calista mumbled. "I don't think I'm up to this."

- "Just a dance with a guy, chica," Bonita flipped her extremely brown hair, and her gold eyes glimmered. "Pretend you are Cupid…"

- "But Cupid has hurt me," the yellow haired girl told the Latina princess.

- "Such a lover," Bonita commented, shaking her head. "You feel your love to Yasuo is true, but trust me, it's fake."

- "Love hurts."

- "Love is rough, but you gotta be rough right back!" Bonita cheered to herself. Miette cleared her throat.

- "Hey, retards. Knock on the door so we can get it."

- "Give me the light to light my way home."

- "EXCUSE ME! What did I just say?" Bonita slapped Calista. "Er… Lo siento, Cali."

- "Can I tell you guys you are both so embarrassing?" Miette sobbed.

- "Can I tell you all about my dream?" Bonita started to rant and rave on and on about her dream.

- "BONITA! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Calista screamed.

- "They have opened the door," Miette says. "Come, girlies, let us go!" They marched into the house and the door was closed.

Act I, Scene V

In a corner, four servers of the Capulet house sat: Peaches, Alyx, Kaori and Tito. All are cleaning up after the giant feast.

- "Where is Soren?" Kaori sneered. "The blond haired demon is suppose to take these dishes back and clean them. All I've seen of him is removing the stupid wooden centerpiece."

- "This food was quite distasteful, if I may say," Peaches told herself. "I did not do well tonight. Though they ate it all like pigs." The peach skinned girl flipped her orange hair.

- "Alyx! Tito! Remove these stools! Peaches, take these cups into the kitchen!" They all did as she said, and Kaori called to Peaches, "And save me a piece of cake!" When the two boys returned, Kaori clapped her hands. "Tito! Alyx!"

- "Yes?" Alyx said, flipping his black hair.

- "Go to the great hall and manage the ball. You are wanted."

- "We can't be both here and in there, Kaori!" Tito grabbed Alyx's hand. "Come, boy, let's go."

Entering the hall, Tito and Alyx saw Lord Adriana, her cousin, Saeran, Kai, Lady Kaoru, and Ike standing on the stage, and Lord Adriana grabbed the microphone.

- "Good evening, guests!" The black haired girl smiled, and the crowd cheered. "Tonight, we shall forget our troubles and celebrate life! Dance with thy lady, and walk about! No fights tonight, or you're dead!"

Everyone stayed silent.

- "What the hell are you waiting for? DANCE!" The music started out, and everyone tried to find a partner to dance with. The fire truck haired Saeran turned to his 'cousin.'

- "Ay, it's been a while since we had dance?"

- "It has." Adriana chuckled. Ike, pissed about the dress still, glanced across the audience and locked his dark green eyes with shining blue orbs. He relized that the owner had been staring at him for a while, and he glared at her, turning his back.

- "Stalker." Suddenly, Alyce popped out of nowhere.

- "A dance, my bride?"

- "EXCUSE YOU?" Regardless of protest, Alyce dragged Ike off for a dance. Calista's eyes watched as the boy swore about everything. Her heart was beating fast.

His eyes were like pine trees, a ring of dark brown on the outside, and on the inside, dark green. His hair was a fair blond with many colors mixed in. His figure was manly, and it confused her that he wore a dress, but she did not care. He was hot.

- "Excuse me?" she turned to Alyx. "I need to know the name of the boy being taken hostage against his will with that knightly woman?"

- "Him? I don't fucking care." Calista looked at him. "I know not his name, I mean."

- "His hair is like a butterfly's wings, and his eyes like a forest of trees in winter," Calista raved. Alyx rolled his eyes.

- We got a crazy, he thought bitterly.

- "His personality, from what I tell, is like flames…" Calista ranted on, and Kai's eyes widened in shock. He turned to his page, a tan girl with dark brown hair, and spoke with such a harsh voice.

- "Grab me a gun! I hear a Montague!" The page nodded and she left, and Adriana approached her angered family.

- "What the hell is going on, Kai?" she asked, pissed at his loud tone.

- "Fucking Calista Montague is here." Adriana laughed a fake laugh, and then turned to me.

- "Do I have to say this?"

- "Yes." Adriana's dark eyes match mine, and I give her a cheeky smile.

- "Ugh, ya know, everyone in Verona brags of how she is a gentleman, and how her youth maintains her beauty and yada, yada, yada…"

- "She will not be endured."

- "LIKE HELL SHE WILL!"

- "Adriana Sofia."

- "HEY!" I raise an eyebrow and smirk, and she sighs, "She will be welcomed, and if you cause trouble, I'll kill you."

- "I'm going to my emo corner…" Kai murmured.

- "STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY EMO CORNER!" Saeran yelled from the stage.

Meanwhile, Ike had 'accidently' pushed Alyce down the stairs and ran off. Calista had been the only witness to this event, and 'followed' (aka stalked) Ike into the center of the dance floor. Tapping on his shoulder, Ike gasped, turned around, and punched her in the chest.

- "Oh shit. I'm sorry. I thought you were Alyce."

- "Very well," Calista muttered, falling down. Ike reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her up.

- "I must say, you are very stunning," Ike told her, bringing her hand up to his lips. Calista stared at him.

- "Why are you in a dress?" Ike points to me, and Calista looks over. "Oh."

- "I must say so, don't I kiss by the books?" Calista rolled her eyes.

- "Cocky much?" Ike paled and Calista smiled. "Your lips should be used for prayer…"

- "WAIT A GOD DAMN MINUTE!" I stomp out, and point. "YOU IN THE DRESS!" Calista and Ike exchange looks. "Ike, I mean… You should be saying Juliet's lines!"

- "Pshaw, fuck that. I'm a MANLY Juliet."

- "I thought she was manly to begin with…" Calista said. I slap my forehead.

- "Ay Caramba!" I exclaim. "This is going to end horribly…"

- "Can we just get to this kissing scene?"

- "Pshaw, hell yeah." I walk off, and Ike and Calista smile in triumph. I jump back out. "Psych!"

Josiah walks over to us and spots me, and rolls his eyes. I smile and leave, and Josiah sighs.

- "Your father wants a word with you," Josiah signed, eyeing Calista warily.

- "Who's the dad?" Calista asked.

- "Adriana Capulet." Dragging Ike away, Calitsa blinked. Then fainted.

Walking away from Calista, Ike ran a hand through his hair.

- "I wonder what her name is…"

- "That be your mother's foe's child, Calista Montague." Ike gasped.

- "Oh, woe is me!" he exclaimed. "My love is my blood foe!" Josiah just nodded. Leading her away, Adriana approaches Miette who is helping Calista up.

- "Come on, we are going to have some cake."

- "Oh, uh, merci, good sir, but we must be on our way."

- "Did you just call me 'sir?'" Miette gulped and dragged Calista out of the house.

- "My life is my foe! OH WHY?" Calista mumbled.

- "Shut up!" Miette grumbles. Then she turns to me. "You suck at writing, ya know?"

- "I know, but this is so much fun to write." Miette growls.

- "I advise you stay away from Ike Capulet…" I smirk with a gleam in my eye as Miette tells her friend this. My eyes are plotting again.

- That's what you think… And to add a reference to my favorite anime, a purple aurora surrounds me, and I give them all a creepy grin.

- "Kolkolkolkolkolkol…"

END OF ACT I

My plan is to attempt to do the entire play. If anything, I might combine some of Act II and Acts III-V.

Again, I do not own Romeo and Juliet.
Adriana, Miette, Kai, Kaori, Kaoru, Calista © pabutte'GO
Alyx, Saeran, Peaches, Alyce © .abzavenue.
Ike, Tito, Bonita, Josiah, Migdalia © Me