Halo 5: Guardians Screwed Up Version
Chapter 2: Green Shit Team
hello and welcome to another pointless and shitty chapter
p.s. sorry for the wait I was busy in the furriness so yea...
p.p.s. if anyone reads this bullshit anymore...i'm willing to accept ideas from you readers if you have an ideas just p.m. me
So we will start on a fucking huge ass, grandmother fucking UNSC Outfinity showing off dat big sexy metal ass.
A pelican zooms past the camera guy, almost running his ass over. (asshole)
Roland over the com says in a gay way, "Heeeeeeey Fireteam O Dat Ass, just letting you know that your clear to land in docking bay 11."
INTERESTING FACT: Did you know that Roland the A.I. was actually a world war 2 era pilot named Roland Prosper Beamont.
Look that shit up I'm serious.
Okay now back to the story fahkas. :3
We cut into Outfinity.
The Pelican flies over an enormous mother fucking hanger as I begin to leak pre...(face palms Jesus Christ...)
As the Pelican lands the two people approach are Tom Lasky who is the ship's bitch and the Captain of the Outfinity, and Sarah "Cum Eating" Palmer, who is the commanding officer of the Spartans-IVs of Outfinity.
The Pelican's rear (lol rear GOD DAMMIT) door opens and out comes ME THE WRITER as everyone cheers begins to throw roses.
They were all chicks so I came in my pants.
Luckily I'm wearing black pants.
Then another Pelican lands.
The rear opens (thank you) and team O Dat Ass exits with Dr. Catherine Halsey. (rear lol FUCK)
She hurriedly walks up to Lasky.
She says (oh god here we go), "Captain Fuckface, where were you? I sent you my position three weeks ago! I told you we were going to get fucked in the ass and what did I tell you!"
Lasky rolls his eyes as he knows he has to fuck that old hag later, "We'll discuss that in private, Doctor."
He then looks at Palmer and Palmer walks away grabbing Halsey.
You could hear her in the distance, "What has she done? IM GOING TO RIDE YOU LIKE A FUCKING PIG!"
Lasky flinches as he heard that, but quickly gets over it and says to Team O Dat Ass, "Good work!"
Then for some odd reason everyone walks away leaving Buck and Locke alone.
Buck simply says, "Sooooo...what was that about?"
Locke doesn't answer because he doesn't give a single fuck.
Buck says under his breath, "Quiet asshole."
Then we fade to black as you hear Lasky getting raped by Halsy.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEEEEEEES."
God I need help...
Now we fucking finally go to our favorite character, THE MASTER QUEEF!
THE MASTER SHEATH!
THE MASTER GREEN SHIT!
THE MASTER ASSHOLE!
THE MASTER...ok you get it. -_-
Outside in the middle of fucking space, we go to pilot seat of the Pelican.
Chief or now officially John just simply sits there masturbating, remembering how Cortana had that nice delicious ass.
MMMM BABY *forces member into that artificial pussy*
I'm so sorry...lets just continue...
Anyways while Chief masturbating, spraying cum every the fuck where, the pelican flies towards the abandoned ship, drifting in an asteroid belt called Agent Sun. (it's actually called Argent Moon, but I love fucking up names)
Fred (ex worker at Freddie's Pizzeria hehe FNAF anyone), Kelly (a simple bitch to be fucked) and Linda (also a bitch to fuck) are in the Pelican's troop bay preparing their gear.
In this game, Blue team never had their faces shown.
FOR FUCKS SAKE 343!
Freddie Fazbear starts off, "I haven't seen Chief press himself like this since we were in boot camp."
Kelly Clarkson (the fucking country singer...I think) replies not giving a single fuck, "Fred, he is fine because he's an asshole."
Fred replies, "Yeah we know that."
She throws the DMR at Fred, "Then quit fucking complaining you little bitch."
"But, doing missions non-stop isn't fine."
Then Linda cunt breath gets pissed, "Stop talking about it or I'm going to throw your ass out of this Pelican."
Fred crosses his arms and sighs, "Fine...I'll stop."
Chief which is now John calls Outfinity, "Sierra-177 to Outfinity, Green Team has located Agent Sun. There are mother fucking enemies up the ass, but she's still here."
Outfinity replies in the COMs, "Copy that green sack of shit, fuck shit up, and secure Agent Sun, deploy when ready you cock."
John replies with a grunt, "Fuck you, 117 out."
John cuts the feed and slows the Pelican down.
He goes in the Pelican's troop bay as everyone is getting ready.
Kelly decides to throw John's favorite weapon at him, knocking his ass over.
"Thanks cunt."
Then questioned as he gets back up, "Everyone ready?"
Linda only answered, "Affirmative."
She opens the Pelican's exit ramp.
Johnny Boy starts to walk towards the rear of the Pelican and Fred decides to be a little bitch.
"You good?"
John puts his middle finger in his fucking face.
Fred decides not to say anything and for some odd reason got horny. (just wanted to add that)
John finally says, "Green shit team! Get the fuck out and lets go kill some bitches."
Green Team activates their thrusters and they jump out of the Pelican.
They maneuver through a cluster of asteroids and head towards Agent Sun. (GOD DAMMIT THEY DIDNT GET HIT BY THE FUCKING ASTROIDS)
Inside Agent Sun, a group of Sangheili soldiers are inside a room.
They are having a fucking orgy.
I mean cum was everywhere.
.
..
...
...
...
Please...just...no.
FUCK YEES!
A Sangheili Storm walks up to his Commander while his dick is hanging out.
The Commander is masturbating.
"The Unggoy are resisting their daily fucking with us." said the Sangheili Storm trooper, his face cover in se-STOP.
The Commander growls as he is about to blow his load, "Give them the "Punishment"!"
The Commander blows his load fucking everywhere like the forth of July when the fireworks go off all at the same time at the finale.
Jesus...that must of been a one violent blow.
Oh whatever...
Green team begins to approach the large window that leads to the room with the Sangheili.
As they get close, John the asshole opens fire to weaken the window and they all shatter the glass on impact.
Funny...the rest of Green team didn't do shit.
Lazy fucks...
They enter the room and they use their thrusters (lol thrust me daddy) to slow themselves down and land in front of the Sangheili Commander who just finished blowing his load all over the fucking place.
The Sangheili get pissed off from their orgy being interrupted, and activate their energy swords.
They charge toward Green team and get blown out into space. (dumbasses)
Green Team activate their magnet systems in their boots, so they can't get blown out into space. (lol blow me bitch)
The Sangheili Commander lunges at John with his sword and misses as the Commander is blow out into space.
John did get hit though.
The Commander's dick was long enough to slap him in the face.
That was the funny part.
You may laugh now.
DO IT!
Okay the window's blast door closes and that Green shit team prepares to move.
Then it cuts to black for some odd reason.
Okay GAMEPLAY!
FUCK YOU!
Too much to type.
But...I'm going to add this because a cutscene.
Your fucking welcome.
They kill a few Unggoy (grunts) and they are at a catwalk that is leading to a nearby open room.
John says, "Central Control is through those doors."
Since the mission decides to be not be as easy as we thought, a fucking Mgalekgolo bursts out from a wall in the distance.
The impact makes the walkway a pussy and shake and tilt.
John yells, "Oh fuck my asshole till it bleeds, it's a fucking Hunter!"
The Hunter slams its shield arm into the walkway, breaking it and sending the Spartans plummeting down.
For some odd reason, John goes into a trance of some shit.
He lands at the bottom of a dark rocky cave.
He is unharmed because he's a fucking badass and raises his assault rifle in preparation for threats.
He sees nothing and slowly lowers it.
He and he and he and he, GOD WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
She begins to play with own tits.
Okay I'll stop.
Anyways, John says, "Green fucks, report."
There was no answer.
OOOOOH SHIIIIEEET!
"Anyone who doesn't answer me is going to have my assault rife so far up their ass that they will be..."
He was interrupted by a whisper.
"Chiiiiieefff I'm a lesbian..."
"Da faq?" he questions.
John turns at the sound of a faint familiar voice.
Behind him, appears is a small blue light.
It's coming (lol cum on me) from some rocks a few yards away.
John walks to the light cautiously and a low hum can be heard from it.
It appears to be a data chip and it's glowing brightly in the dark.
John kneels to pick it up and it vanishes.
The humming stops.
"Fuck!" was all John said.
"John."
There was that voice again.
Could it be?
No, she's fucking dead.
IMPOSSIBLU!
John looks to his right.
There's more light coming from further in the cave.
John follows it to its source, and comes to a cliff.
He decides to commit suicide and jumps off.
I'M KIDDING!
A dark chasm is before him, with smoky clouds in the sky.
John looks down the chasm, as small rocks fall.
He cannot see the bottom; the clouds obscure his view.
He thinks he's high as fuck.
Okay I'm bored now...
It's Cortana, she's back.
She's supposed to be fucking dead.
She says while raising her hands, "Hey John, The Domain is open and Meridian is next. The Reclamation is about to begin!"
John is surprised and pissed off, "BITCH, I SAW YOU DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT?!"
She says nothing as a fucking big ass construct rises out of the abyss and spreads its titanic spiked wings.
John didn't know what the fuck to do and feels faint.
He collapses...pussy ass bitch.
Kelly randomly questions in concern, "Chief? What's wrong?"
John is back on Agent Sun, and stands back up.
He replies, "She's on Meridian."
She questions again, "Who?"
He begins to get pissed like he used to, "That fucking bitch, Cortana."
Aaaaaannnd more gameplay...
*presses fast forward button not giving a single fuck*
Ok let me do a short summary.
They had to blow up the station be because of a lot of covenant ships going out of slipspace.
They were outnumbered.
They find a Prowler and power it up before they explode.
They had to fight covenant as this happens.
After when they finished killing the covenant, Linda surveys the area with her sniper rifle.
She says, "Clear."
Ok to put it simply John called Outfinity and says that he blew up Agent Sun and signs his team to go to Meridian because of Cortana.
Outfinity get all drama queen and says nooooooooooooo another team is going to deal with her.
They get confused and disobey orders and go anyways.
John wanted to go alone, but his team wanted to go to.
He pouted stomping his feet, but got over it as they left before the Agent Sun blew to hell.
There the level is over.
Now fucking kiss me.
Wait...what?
Thanks for reading! This shit was total hell to write sooo I hope you enjoyed.
