Mixed Feelings

Dear diary, today I did something… Perverted. I don't know why I committed such a rational sort of action, it's not like me, I'm usually the one that stops and rethinks every situation. I kissed – not just another person – but another girl, I don't even know her!

Just hearing her name – her voice – and looking at her face almost hypnotized me. It was as if all the world revolved around was us.

Can I face her again? I have to tell her that I am sorry… Even though I don't feel sorry… I'm confused. I'm supposed to feel regret, but I don't. When I touch my lips I long after hers. The sensation of that union took me by surprise, I… I want to experience it again, but with someone I love. Can anything justify my actions? I only have my brother to seek for advice and that would be… Well, let's just say that I don't hope it'll come to that or I'm screwed.

"Hey! What's this supposed to mean Erica!" Ray leaped over to me while I was busy cooking jams out of the wild berries they had picked. "What's supposed to men-" She looked down at the book in his hands. "Ray… Is that my diary?" Ray took a moment to stare into the blank space and review his foolishness. "Uhm, if I say no, is there any chance you will believe it?" "NO!"

After a public execution on the top of the roof I was ready to forgive him for his dumb curiosity. "You're not supposed to read that; can't you go pet something poisonous? If you intend to open up wounds why can't it ever be your own?" Ray showed his carefree-huge-motha*****-smile; "Can't help it, you are my number one favorite teasing-object, it's just a shame I get severely injured every time. Anyways, how did it go?" "How did what go?"

Ray opened the diary once again pointed at a spot in the text and received a hammer to his forehead before being able to speak another word.

"I gave her the pie; I said I was sorry, though I stammered a little… It may not have been too convincing… She just nodded and ate the pie quietly with me, it was awkward as he*l. I don't think she told her grandmother about it though…" Ray reached into the fridge and brought a bag of frozen peas to his forehead. "So you're not in love with her?" "N-no…" I looked to the floor, but was interrupted by Ray's hand. "A-ha, so you wouldn't mind if I went ahead and invited her to the flower festival, huh?" I immediately shifted tone, "no way José, that's my-"

Ray just whistled while walking towards the door, ignoring his sister. "Wait, where are you going this early?" "Imma go ask her out! See ya sis!" Ray ran out of the door before Erica managed to protest further.

So stupid! He clearly just wanted to ask Candace out because it bugged me to no end. I might as well just take a walk. I threw my diary on the bed table and left the house as well. Walking towards the town I noticed a unfamiliar face walking a few meters in front of me on the road, as he approached I stopped and waved to him. He didn't seem to notice me until he stepped on my foot.

"Ouch! Watch where you are going!" "Oh, eheheh, so sorry!" "And you are laughing! What are you, ten years old!" He took a pose and pointed at himself with his thumb. "No way, I'm the infamous Luke, the master chopper – killer of trees!" "-Well that sounds fatal for the global environment –" "And who may you be?" Luke picked up his axe that he had dropped when he stepped on me. "I'm… Erica, I just moved here a couple of days ago…" "Erica? I heard about you! I met your brother in the Fugue forest!" I can actually recognize parts of my brother in this guy, Luke here just seemed a little smarter (insert smiley with horns)

"Well, imma see you latter chocolate-coated-banana-candy-on-a-stick!" Luke ran off in the background, turning around when he figured he was heading the wrong direction, ran past her again and disappeared towards Flute Fields. "That was a rather long nickname?"

The church? I looked up at the clock tower. A fit place for a church. On top of the hill where the guiding light of hope and hospitality always would be able to guide the searching. Maybe this would be an ideal time to pray to my parents.

When I went into the church I stopped up and took a moment to look the priest, Perry, in the eyes before sitting down and returning to my own thoughts. Both our parents had been scientists on a nuclear research centre, eventually their work became their deaths. An anti-resistant toxin had found a way to store itself in human cells and could infect anyone just a brief touch with the skin. Our parents had been held in quarantine before they died of dehydration; their bodies were completely taken over by the toxin which also died when the host was no longer able to supply sufficient water.

From that moment I and Ray had lived on our own. But it wasn't because we were unprepared, both our parents were very rarely home, much less at the same time. This was the way it had been leading too our whole lives. Now I just hoped that I could create a family of my own and give it the love I had never gotten from my parents. But what was this about falling in love with another girl? It seemed so out of character of me. I had to admit that I never really had any affection towards men, but I just figured it was because she never found anyone worth me. Okay that would be a little skanky to say, but that was what I thought.

"Erica? Wake up Erica!" A familiar voice tore me away from my sleep, when I got used to the light again I noticed that I was looking into the concerned eyes of Candace, she usually visited the church now and then. "Are you okay?" Quickly her eyes darted to the floor when she realized she had gained my full attention. "Candace? Yes, thank you, what are you doing here?" Candace took a deep breath and responded in kind; "I-I'm here to pray for my… it's not important…" I sat up and stretched my arms out wide but making sure I wouldn't hit Candace. I could se that Candace's eyes watched the one of my arms closer to her; probably to make sure I wouldn't move in for another kiss.

"Want to walk with me?" I gestured towards the door, Candace hesitated and looked at the altar for a moment before nodding and going with me outside.

"M-may I ask what you were d-doing in there?" Candace folded her hands together like she was ashamed of asking. "In the church? A-haha, I didn't plan to sleep there over night, it was an accident…" Candace looked down on the stairs as we walked towards the graveyard; none of us really noticed where we were headed. "I was praying… For my parents…" I continued. "Your parents?" This vague resemblance in our backgrounds caught her attention and she diverted her main attention from the stairs towards my face, however now I were the one avoiding her eyes instead.

I didn't mind telling my story to Candace. Even though it did hurt, it also felt nice to share it with someone other than my brother. When I was finished I looked up at Candace again, tears was rolling down her delicate chins the story wasn't similar to that of her own, but she could recognize the pain in the story itself, the same pain her and her family knew, a pain she hadn't been able to spot in my brother, the carefree Ray. "Candace?" I reached out and brushed the tears away from her face. She didn't pull away, Candace seemed to be a little confused of herself, she normally did pull herself away on contact with anyone else than her close family members.

I was surprised – almost shocked – when she took the next step forward and wrapped her arms around me in a tight, warm hug. She cried her heart out on my shoulder. Maybe it was wrong to oppose those feelings that had been building up since I met this girl. There was a connection between us, something I couldn't quite describe in any fair way. Maybe one's not supposed to be able to describe such feelings?

"Have you talked to my brother today?" I had made us both some herbal tea which we enjoyed in the afternoon glow. "Ray? No I have been to Horn farm to purchase some yarns of silk and wool all day. I just dropped off the box with the items at my grandma's shop before I went to the church." I was relieved; maybe it was time to try and move ahead and really grab a hold of my own life, like I originally had planned. Maybe I could just count on one more person beside myself and my brother? If there is such a thing called destiny, who's to say this isn't it, no?

"Would you like to go to tomorrow's festival with me?" Candace stopped playing around with the spoon when I looked in her direction again. She was always careful that she wouldn't do anything that could offend anyone. "Tomorrow is… the flower festival… Right…?" every decision was clearly thought thoroughly through (try saying that fast three times, I dare you readers) in her head, it was like she tried to construct every possible scenario any of her actions could lead to, and if any of these were a 'worst case scenario' she would clearly reject. She shaked her head, "I don't know…" This uncertainness was killing me! "Okay…" I placed my cup on the bench and got on my feet. Candace was surprised by my sudden change of pace. "Candace… I just want you to know that you can trust me… Bye now…" I started walking towards the bridge leading home. "Wait!" I smiled, but managed to wipe my victory face away before turning towards her again. "I… I want to go with you…" This may be the way to get through to her, rushing her so she would respond in the matter that first hit her. "Cool! I'll meet you an hour into the main event then!" Candace nodded in agreement but she did seem a little confused.

I waved to her while I walked home; she waited outside the tailor shop until I was out of sight. I would have to be careful about rushing her into such decisions, if used too much it would just stress her and scare her away.

- Gosh now it actually sounded like she was trying to land her…

"Hey sis, where the h*ll have you been off to?" Before answering I took a quick peek towards the corner of the room where my bed and table were placed – my diary seemed to be untouched. "I didn't know that I had to tell you my every move brother." I responded in a cold fashion, maybe I was too harsh, but it did still bother me a little that he dared to open that book of mine. "You're still not sour about that thing with the diary are you?" He laid back onto his bed and stared upwards into the ceiling. "You're such a stuckup…" "Hey, you were the one who read my diary!" "You didn't exactly go out of your way to hide it!" "That's because I want to trust you!"

An awkward silence fell upon the room; I guess we both realized that we had been equally harsh on each other. "Does it have to keep being like this?" He placed his arms behind his head to support it for comfort. "I don't want it to… We are going to drive each other insane…" He looked up and caught my eye, we both started smiling – and eventually laughing.

We spend the first part of the night staying up and talking – we used to do this when we lived in the city. There we had a room each, even though this was a whole house it was still just one large all-in-one room. "No way, she actually agreed!" "Yes, but I don't know if she just thinks of it as a friend-to-friend date or if she considers it an opportunity to get to know a love interest…" I placed my head on his lap, we had made hot cocoa – it was both our favourite drink! Ray took another sip before responding. "What do you consider it?" I took some time to think, but my answer was that of my mind – blurred. "I… I don't really know, I'm quite confused actually." "I figured as much." After a moments silence I tried directing the conversation towards him and me instead of me and her. "What do you think Ray?" "I think you are crazy" "Wow, you can still amaze with your kind replies!" "Heh, well, truly I guess I don't really have an opinion. I always just followed you because you took care for me… I want to return that… I never really had an opinion as to what you should be allowed to like or dislike." His words were comforting; it was good to know that I was still his idol somehow.

"Actually since I like girls it wouldn't surprise me if you did so too, we usually like the same stuff!" "You're comparing sexual-orientation to cocoa?" We both smiled and drank some more of the cocoa as a toast. "You know what bro? Out of all people I ever knew, I'm still glad you're the one here with me…" My words were sudden, but I didn't feel like a better moment than this, to spill my thoughts, would come. "I.. Well sis you know I'm here for you…" "Bedtime!" I interrupted him and forced him under his blanket, tucking it tightly around his neck. "What th-!"

I went ahead and kissed him on the forehead that silenced him and I went over to my own bed, it may be a bother to live with my brother, but he was my closest friend.

"Sis?" Talking in the dark was more comforting, you couldn't see each others faces. "You know… I don't really need that diary of yours…" "I know." I grabbed the book mentioned and stuck it under my pillow – he was right, he probably knew me better than I did myself. Maybe I underestimated the help he can give me on this emotional slide; it was comforting to know I always could rely on him as well.


D'aaw I just had to end this chap with a little brother/sister comfort, I didn't want it to seem like they hated each other. Writing this fanfic is a little easier than what I expected.

If any of you should be interested I can tell that fav character in the game is Renee, I also like the design of the ToT male character better than the one from AP, but in my messed up head he belongs to Renee 3

I do not dislike Toby like it may seem in the first chapter (actually he's the one character that is most like me irl, da*n lazy and only with a few hobbies, my hobbies are just gaming and travelling – not fishing and not-doing-anything),

I just dislike his pairing with Renee. (She's mine!) Other pairings I don't like is Gill/Luna and Candace/Julius, it's like the creators just shuffled them in a bag like the pieces to a puzzle and then just expected it to solve itself.

I also wanna say that if you have any ideas to my fic you may email me, I think you are supposed to be able to contact me by my profile here on , but please point it out for me in case you're unable to.

Next is going to be the flower festival, the only festival I didn't experience in my first year of the game – no worries I'm almost a year two! It may take a while for me to update to the third chapter though.

Till then chaps'!