/i /b (Author's Note: I'd like to take the opportunity to remind you that I don't own Harry Potter, although I wish I did! I'd keep him in my room and feed him table scraps… anyway! By the way, that pop-tart toaster thing DOES work, so please don't blame me if you're grounded for wrecking the toaster at your house. Believe me, I've tried it. In closing, I'd like to say that my best friend Akukama is a good writer. Check out her Pirates of the Caribbean story, "Hexagon." /i /b
September 24
A Brief Catalogue of Selected Imbeciles (aka, My Semi-Annual Hit List Top 10)
1. Harry Potter (Big surprise here…) Because he's a stupid brat who's incredibly untalented at dying (he just can't seem to get the hang of it), and he thinks he's better than me. Plus, his hair REALLY BOTHERS ME. Hasn't he ever heard of a comb?
2. Josh Groban. Because he has such a really magnificent voice and it makes me get an inferiority complex every time I listen to him. And this is dangerous, because I should know by now that I'm superior to everyone, INCLUDING Josh Stinkin' Groban. Not to mention that hearing him sing "You Raise Me Up" brings tears to my eyes, and that's probably bad for my image.
3. Ronald Weasley. Because he's a pathetic, sniveling sidekick to Harry Potter, and he gets all of the good lines.
4. All the other Weasleys. Because they're Muggle-loving scum, and they produced the above imbecile.
5. The lady in the Head-On commercial. Seriously, she bothers me! Like, if I put this stuff on my head, all of my troubles will go away, AND I'll get to look incredibly stupid at the same time? That's just too good to be true.
6. Hermione Granger. Because she has hair so voluminous, she probably has twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare up there, and I'm bald. I know that bald is beautiful, but I can't help but get jealous of her hair. Also, she has such an obnoxious shrill voice, and she hangs around with Potter and Company.
7. The blue power ranger. I think his name is Billy. Seriously, how can a nerdy, glasses-wearing bloke like him become a POWER RANGER?!?! I'D be a better Power Ranger! WORMTAIL would be a better Power Ranger! And also… how come the nerdy blue power ranger managed to land Kimberly, the incredibly attractive pink power ranger? Unfair much?
8. Schmergo. The brat thinks she's so great just because she writes fanfiction. Well la-de-da, isn't that special. SO DO STINKIN' MILLIONS OF PEOPLE! I bet even the blue power ranger writes fanfiction!
9. Whoever invented reinforcements. You know, those evil little circles that you put on looseleaf paper when the little holes rip through. I just can't get reinforcements to work properly; I always end up ripping the paper because the reinforcements get stuck to my fingers, and then I have to start all over again! AAAAARGH!
10. Dumbledore. Oh wait, haha. Silly me. It's so hard to keep track of who I've killed these days… you know how it is.
And now, to compare and contrast with that list, here is A Brief Catalogue of Selected Death Eaters:
1. Peter Pettigrew. Why is he number one? Because he's my right hand man. Literally! Like, seriously, he chopped off his own hand for me… wow, I crack myself up. Plus, he lives near Jamba Juice, so he always brings me some. But his total lack of hygiene habits and total excess of tooth are a tad distracting, so I tend to lose my appetite when I look at him.
2. Lucius Malfoy. I don't even know what he's doing as a Death Eater, since he's rich, snobby, and good-looking. Almost none of the Death Eaters are good-looking, which is probably why they've all turned to a life of crime. Lucius also has impeccable fashion sense, and he designed all of our snazzy Death Eater uniforms. They're deliciously ominous-looking. However, I'm always a tad nervous that Lucius wants to create his own sinister organization, because he's really not very talented at sucking up to me. The way he ends every word he says with 'izzle' is also a smidge confusing to decipher.
3. Severus Snape. That man may have a face about as attractive as a jury duty notice, but he's a good servant. Intelligent, too, which helps-- it's always nice to have someone to slave away coming up with brilliant ideas for which you can later take all of the credit. (What can I say, I'm evil. It's part of my job.) Snape also has some pretty witty comments to make about Harry Potter, which I truly appreciate. And I bet there's absolutely no chance that he's secretly a double-double agent who is spying on me for the Order. That would just be unfeasible!
4. Bellatrix Lestrange: One of the few Death Eater females (who has suggested that we change our name to Death Nibblers so as not to imply gluttony), she can be rather overzealous… not that that's a bad thing or anything! I appreciate her grape-feeding skills. Keep the grapes coming, Bella. She also has a lot to say on the subject of torture-- it just makes her eyes light right up, and she goes all smiley and dreamy just talking about the Cruciatus Curse. Lovely girl, and extremely loyal… to me, that is. I can't say the same thing about her attitude toward her husband.
5. Rodolphus Lestrange: He's a good servant, I guess. But really, he lets his wife push him around like he's a watermelon in a shopping cart. One would almost think she has him under the Imperius curse. But that would be unfeasible!
6. Fenrir Greyback: Great servant. Terrible dinner guest.
7. Draco Malfoy: He's very young and quite new to the organization (Fresh blood, as Fenrir would say), so he's a little bit different from most of my servants. For instance, he wears a bit more spandex than most and seems to think that sneering should be made an Olympic sport. Not that I'm bitter or anything due to my lack of lips. But really, sneering has never really been an effective method of torture, unless you're trying to torture a weenie-tot like Potter. Of course, just say a 'yer mum' joke to Potter, and he'll collapse onto the ground howling in agony about how his mother is dead… lame to the third power.
8. Pyrites: Not much to say about him. JK Rowling wrote him out after the earliest drafts of "Philosopher's Stone." Pity, he was quite useful while he lasted.
9. Crabbe and Goyle: I'm counting them as one person because they can almost complete the thought process if they work together and rub their one brain cell each together. Brute force is always nice, though, which is why I keep them around.
10. Josh Groban: Wait, never mind. He quit ages ago.
Comments:
Subj: YAAAAAY!
First post again! Master, I don't quite follow what you were saying about me. I suppose I'll take it as a compliment.
--Posted by wormtail77.
Subj: No, dawg.
Master, I would NEVER EVER start another sinister organization! Just because I have impeccable fashion taste and good looks, I would never succeed at taking over London by storm, especially not up against you!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks.
Re: Subj: No dawg.
Lucius, I said before that you're no good at sucking up, and it still rings true.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: lolz
yay!!!!!1!!!1!!1one!!11! u talkd about me in ur blog!1!!!!! And yea teh crucios r soooo fun!!1!!!!
--Posted by xvoldyistehhotnessx
Subj: In regards to Fenrir Greyback
Hello, my name is Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt, and I am Fenrir Greyback's personal secretary and a close friend of his. And I would like to say that he's really not all that bad. I'm not just saying this because he's currently threatening to devour me, either.
--Posted by rab411
Subj: Crabbe and Goyle
This is me, Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt again, and I am also Crabbe Sr. and Goyle Sr.'s personal secretary. As they are incapable of using a computer properly, I've been asked to give you this message from them: "I think I would be mad at you if I could understand what you were saying about me."
--Posted by rab411
Re: Subj: Crabbe and Goyle:
You need to get a better job.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Evil laugh
Might I suggest muhahaha? or the more classical bwahahaha?
--Posted by hermylovesron (from MNFF)
Re: Subj: Evil laugh
Thank you very much, but I have to say, I've already chosen an evil laugh. You may have heard it in PotterPuppetPals… "Ahahahahaha! Hogwarts is mine!"
Subj: Wow
I just stumbled across your blog, and I can't begin to tell you how interesting I find it. Keep up the good work!
--Posted by blondeD
Sept 25
You know what I just hate? When a day that was shaping up to be really quite marvelous goes truly and utterly awful! Kind of like that soy-milk cappuccino that tasted fabulous at first, but after I left it on my porch for three weeks, it tasted really bad. I still haven't figured out why. But that's not the point.
Today started out great. I sprung out of bed singing (this may have something to do with all of the soy-milk cappuccinos I drank. But that's not the point. Besides, the song was "Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd, so I can't say it was entirely cheerful), got dressed (because evil needs no shower), and waltzed downstairs. The first thing I noticed was the pink polo shirt I'd dropped off at the dry cleaners' the day that I was vanquished and ripped from my body sixteen years ago… IT WAS FINALLY RETURNED! And they'd gotten all of the blood and ketchup stains out! (What? I wore it to the Annual October Death Eater Barbeque and Mass-Murdering Spree!) Then, I prepared myself a tasty pop-tart breakfast, destroying a toaster in the process (because I believe in doing at least six destructive things before breakfast), and plopped myself down on my La-Z-Wizard to watch the Pokemon Marathon on television. (As a side note, it reminds me of a joke I once heard: Why should you never take a shower with Pokemon? Because they Peek-at-chu! Curiously enough, the boy who told me this joke is now deceased. This is not a coincidence.)
In any case, I was having a great time. Then the mail came. And I'm sorry to say that I got a letter that really did not make me happy at all. This is what it said:
DEAR LORD MOULDY-SHORTS,
Yeah, that's right, I called you Lord Mouldy-Shorts! And guess what? There's nothing you can do about it, because you don't know who I am! HAHAHA! In any case, I found something of yours that was rather pretty. It's a cup, and it has the Hufflepuff crest on it. It was so pretty that I'm sorry to have completely crushed it to smithereens and destroyed your precious horcrux. Yep, I know it was a horcrux. Same goes for that locket thing-- did I forget to mention, I got rid of that too. I thought it was about time I mentioned that. I would like to add that furthermore, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. That is all.
Not really all that sincerely,
R.A.B.
R.A.B.! Who the blazes might that be? What kind of impudent little lump of slime mold would write such a truly insulting letter to me? And how did he know about my horc… h… HAPPY THINGS? Naturally, I compiled a list at once of every R.A.B. that I know, and here's what I got:
1. Rashid Antoine "Stubby" Boardman: I beat him in "Battle of the Bands" in seventh year with my band, Tom and The Riddles. He's been jealous of me ever since.
2. Ruth Ashley Borgin: Yes, his name is Ruth Ashley. That's why his first name was never mentioned in canon-- he was embarrassed of it. His parents wanted a girl. In any case, I used to work for him when I was younger, and he's probably upset that he never got Hepzibah Smith's precious treasures from me.
3. Regulus Arcturus Black: I had him killed years ago. Of course, there's the chance that the assassin failed and old Reggie is still alive. But that would be unfeasible! I only put him on this list because of the hundreds of people who sent me emails insisting that Regulus be included.
4. Really Ancient Bloke: I don't know, but there are lots of those around.
5. Rhythm and Blues: No idea, it just came to mind.
6. Ralph "Angioplasty" Bagman: Ludo's brother; my lawyer. He's hated me ever since he lost his job for finding absolutely nothing he could say to defend me.
7. Rabastan Lestrange: Rodolphus's brother; we call him Rab for short. But he's a complete idiot, so I seriously doubt that he has anything to do with this.
8. Relax and Breathe: My yoga studio. I got kicked out for murdering people when they were meditating. But I couldn't help it! Their eyes were closed, and they were sitting so still… I simply couldn't resist!
9. Rosy Ann Basilisk: Words could not convey the misery that would ensue if my own basilisk was behind all of this. How could she betray me, after all I've done for her, and all of the lovely students I've fed her? I hope it's not Rosy.
10. Robert Andrew Bryant: My dentist. Who knows what happens under the influence of Novocain? I certainly hope I didn't accidentally reveal the locations of my horcru… HAPPY THINGS.
11. Red and Blue (Power Rangers): I wouldn't put it past them, the stinkers.
12. Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt: After all, his username is rab411. But I've never even met the guy. If R.A.B. is him, then I ate your pet flying pig for dinner last night.
13. Rutger Aloysius Blossombottom: Josh Groban's secret identity.
14. Rather Annoying Boy: Naturally, Harry Potter.
15. A rabbi?
16. A rabbit?
Well, R.A.B., you'd better watch out, because I am going to get you, so I will. And I'm keeping a very close watch on my remaining two… HAPPY THINGS
But now my day is completely ruined, and to make matters worse, I think I'm beginning to get an ingrown toenail. Blast, if I have to pay Lucius for another pedicure, I'm going to scream.
Blast.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAY!
I always post first, because I'm the most loyal servant! But R.A.B. is not, because he's bad! Ew, R.A.B.! Nasty! He's so mean!
--Posted by wormtail77.
Subj: Ruth Ashley…?
Great, now I'll never be able to look Borgin in the eye again.
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks
Re: Subj: Ruth Ashley…?
And I'll never be able to look Rosy in the eye again. Of course, that has nothing to do with her being on my R.A.B. list and everything to do with the fact that she's a basilisk.
--Posted by thedarklord666
Subj: ongzz!!
zomg ok well rab is soooo dum i mean com on wat is his problem u no?!?1?!??!11!? yea but i remember that pink shirt cos i gave it to u for xmas that 1 time!!!11!?!?!?
--Posted by xvoldyistehhotnessx
Re: Subj: ongzz!!
You gave me the pink shirt? You mean the one from Hollister? I could have sworn my Great Auntie Mavis gave it to me for my fortieth birthday, the same birthday when I got the B-52s to perform for me! But then, that night is hazy in my memory anyway.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Aww
Oh, you poor dear! I feel so sorry for you-- you've had a really rough day. If you need an outlet for your stress, you can always take up ballet lessons, or go puppy stomping or something, whatever makes you happy. Keep writing-- your life is so fascinating!
--Posted by blondeD
Re: Subj: Aww
Who are you? And where's the nearest puppy stomping party?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Me?
I am frankly insulted that you would even suggest that I am R.A.B. Do you honestly think that the meanest name I'm capable of thinking up is Mouldy-Shorts? Now I'm sad.
--Posted by rab411.
Subj: On Rosy's Behalf
This is me, Nagini, using the BabelFish translation system to translate this message from Parseltongue. Listen, Volders, you've had some truly brilliant ideas (like the invention of the Nehru jacket) but Rosy-Ann Fluffy Slyther the Basilisk is definitely not R.A.B. She is the sweetest, kindest snakeling ever. She's just misunderstood due to her hunger for human flesh and her tendency to kill people just by looking at them. But she's got a family of eight (they live in the toilets in the boys' restroom), and she's a really lovely basilisk once you get to know her. We've had many conversations over tea, and we've really had some great female bonding opportunities. And Rosy loves you, Voldykins. She would never betray you, though she does wonder why you never wear that cloak she crocheted you out of her shed skin. It's really becoming.
--Posted by sparklediva00
Re: Subj: On Rosy's Behalf
Nagini, I am frankly terrified that you can use a computer. And now I'm beginning to wonder if the delivery of a pink Cadillac and the Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits CD shipped from eBay weren't really a freak mix-up. You wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
