"This is a terrible idea." Sif shook her head. "The lie-smith will not react well to being treated as a bride."

"I must agree with her, my friend, he is not a maid, plain and simple." Volstagg said, voice naturally loud. Hogun silently shook his head in abhorrence at the idea.

"Well, think of it this way," Fandral began, tucking a blond lock behind his ear, "he's far more maidenly than Sif here, isn't he? He has payed no heed to any of our other traditions, why should he not break this one?"

"Most men are more maidenly than I." Sif grumbled.

"I appreciate the support Fandral, but I would have you refrain from calling him maidenly." Thor gave his much repeated reminder that Loki was, in fact still his brother.

"Apologies."

"Accepted. Now, Steven, you shall be the scribe on this 'erase board' as you refer to it."

"Alright." Steve uncapped his marker.

"We should not be doing this." Volstagg re-asserted.

"Why would you encourage this in him?" Sif asked, baffled.

"You all know I love my brother and want the best for him." Thor explained earnestly. "I must do right by him. So, who do we know that is of the gays?"

"I think we do not." Fandral offered unhelpfully.

"Does this mean we have a quest?" Sif seemed to perk up at the idea, ever the epic hero.

"Aye, Sif, I believe it does." Thor nodded vigorously.

"If you're absolutely intent on doing this, maybe it's best to find out if Loki actually is gay, before you find him a husband." Steve suggested with a deep foreboding sensation.

"Hmph. That sounds sage." Thor ceased smiling and then brightened again in rapid succession. "Fandral! You must seduce my brother!"

"I must what?" Fandral's painstakingly coiffed chin dropped.

"Seduce Loki, how else shall we find out?"

"Ask." Steve pleaded and rubbed his sore neck.

"He is not honest, asking is pointless." Volstagg reluctantly agreed with his prince.

"I shall tell him I must have an urgent peaceful meeting with him. You shall go instead. Woo him; you are wondrous at wooing." Thor complimented sincerely.

Fandral appeared too unnerved to speak.

"Come now, Fandral," Volstagg sighed, and action that heaved his massive girth, "all you must do is reveal a willingness. It is not as if he is monstrous looking anyways."

"Well, yes...but..." Fandral's surrender was evident on his face.

Sif crinkled her nose and crossed her arms.


"Hey, St-Oh! Sonovabitch !" Tony jumped and reached to hit the alarm button by the doorway.

"Wait, friend, he comes in peace!" Fandral shouted and stood. Tony turned back hesitantly, not yet ready to let his hand move too far away from the button. Loki was in his tower. Yet there he sat, across from Fandral, simply eating a bowl of something that probably did not belong to him.

"We are waiting for Thor. Apparently my presence is grievously needed." Loki informed him, but did not sound as if he really cared.

"Oh." Was all Tony managed in return. He was not feeling less tense at the explanation.

"Sit with us, we are having a lovely afternoon." Fandral offered, and Loki continued to look disinterested. Tony begrudgingly sat, body taut with ill anticipation.

"So, Stark, how goes the heroics?" Loki asked the uncomfortable silence's newest addition.

"Well. How goes the villainy?"

"Well."

Tony nodded and moved away to pour himself something to drink. He watched them, thoroughly unnerved, but trying not to show it. Loki stared at Fandral, stony faced, while Fandral smiled broadly back. He was starting to wonder if blond Asgardians were all born without the ability to read social cues.

"Coffee?" Tony asked.

"Yes." Fandral's smile widened.

"No." Loki rolled his heavily lidded eyes.

"You do not want any? It is good, you should partake." Fandral urged with his brightest grin.

"Why do you keep offering me food and drink, Fandral?" Loki set down his spoon neatly. "If you were not so attached to being a daring vision of masculinity and chivalry, I would think you were attempting to poison me."

"Never! Never would I be so underhanded!"

"You bore me. Thank you, Tony Stark, for your unwitting hospitality." Loki stood, and grasping his coat, simply disappeared.

"Curses!" Fandral slammed his hand onto the table and Tony wondered how he could protect his furniture from Asgardians more effectively.

"What was that about?"

"We are on a quest!" Fandral informed him with a new grin.

"Ah." Tony took a much needed gulp of his coffee, "Anything I should know about?" He leaned back against his counter.

"Aye!" The charming bowman approached the counter, leaning forward. "We are finding the lie-smith a husband."

"Oh, Jesus." Tony closed his eyes. "Why? What is wrong with you people?"

"Nothing! Simply assisting Thor with his familial responsibility." Fandral defended his position without an ounce of humor.

"I just don't even..." Tony grumbled, walking away. "Get out of my tower, please." He called over his shoulder.


"He did not find you dashing?" Thor sat down with a loud thunk.

"I do not believe so...but, truthfully, I did not really know how to woo him." Fandral shook his head ruefully. "Were he a maid I would have given him sweet compliments and told her of pasts quests and glories. But what does a man like to be complimented on when he is being romanced? Loki was present for many of said 'quests and glories', and he has never been particularly impressed by them. He would probably not take well to my chivalry. There were no opportunities to save him from peril either. What would you have me do?" He shrugged helplessly.

"For all we know, he would rather dash a man's brains across a wall than give himself shamefully to him." Sif sat back.

"Do not kid yourself Sif." Volstagg grumbled through his beard.

"Maybe this is one of those times when you need to know when to quit." Steve advised hopefully and immediately regretted it. It seemed nothing encouraged these five more than open discouragement did.

"I do not kid myself." Sif countered.

"We must simply press on anew!" Thor announced to the re-assembled ad hoc council.

"Well, not all maids favor Fandral's form ." Fandral shot up and indignant eye brow, but Sif continued unfazed. "Why does someone else not try?"

"Like Captain Steve Rogers?" Volstagg asked.

"No." Steve shook his head firmly.

"Why?" Thor gaped.

"I have no interest in seducing anyone under false pretenses." He attempted to reason.

Sif just shrugged her firm shoulders. "All you must do is make him show his interest."

"It's wrong, dangerous, dishonest, and I am just absolutely not comfortable with it." Steve expanded in an attempt to put it to rest.

"Fine, Steven." Thor raised his palms. "Very well."

"Volstagg?" Sif turned to her hulking friend.

"I'm true to my lady." He countered quickly.

"The Man of Iron?" Sif suggested.

"I shall ask him." Thor nodded, seeming pleased. "Where is Anthony?" He turned to Steve.

"I really don't think that's a good idea, Thor."

"May I not inquire?"

Steve only sighed. Thor took it as a yes.