Alright! Time for chappie two!
Re:uploaded after some much needed editing, like chapter one. I may or may not do this for all of my chapters.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Disney or Final Fantasy... just a lot of merchandise ^^
I want to be here, I want to be here, I want to be here…
Until that moment, Roxas didn't think he didn't want to be there.
But then, as he stepped out of the tiny airport and looked around at his old home, he realized he would probably regret coming back there. Even though they were staying in the hotel, there probably wasn't a spot on the island that didn't remind him of his mother… she used to take him to that park every Sunday… they used to get ice cream there after Sora's soccer games…
It wasn't that he didn't like Leon, he did. He was like an older brother to them. But there was a difference between having a mother and having two fathers.
"You kids will be in here," Leon said when they finally arrived at the hotel, giving each of the twins a keycard to their hotel room. "If you have any problems, umm… come to us if… if there's an emergency," he finished quickly.
Roxas shuddered, Message received, Leon, he thought to himself and tried not to think about what his parents would probably be up to in their own room.
He sighed and sat on the lumpy cot they were given, it's springs shrieking as he did. Roxas knew that Riku and Sora would have no problem bunking together, as they did pretty much anytime they went on vacation together, so he decided to give Naminé the bed.
Sora gave him that concerned look he gave him every time he sighed, frowned, or put his head down. "Roxas, are you okay?" he asked.
He wasn't okay. He'd gotten that feeling again, that urge. But he sure as hell wasn't gonna tell Sora that. The last thing he wanted was his family to worry about him. He would deal with this on his own.
"Yeah, Sora, I'm fine," he said, shrugging. You, sir, are a great actor, he thought to himself, Sora seemed at least a little bit at ease. He checked his watch. It was too late to take a walk. "I'm gonna get in the shower, 'kay?"
After they all assured him that nobody needed to use the bathroom, he shut himself inside and locked the door. He turned the shower on but didn't get in. Instead he fished around the bottom of his bag. Hidden in the lining was a tiny razorblade he had stolen from one of his sisters razors. He did this several months ago. Nobody noticed.
He shook off his wristband. There were already a few wounds there, well on their way to blending back in with the rest of his skin. He sat on the toilet and took a deep breath. Then, he drew the blade slowly and steadily across his wrist. When the cut was almost two inches long, he pulled away, watching his relief pool up around the wound in the form of blood. He repeated this until there were five new wounds, side by side, trickling blood down his arm. He held still and watched it flow a moment, then wrapped his wrist in toilet paper. When the blood stopped flowing, he rinsed the wounds and poured rubbing alcohol on them to sterilize them. The wounds were for the purpose of inflicting pain, not severe bodily harm. He liked the alcohol because it stung, anyway.
It was strange how he'd started. It wasn't like he was all dark and gothic or emo. He'd just suddenly been overcome with the urge to take a knife to himself, without any kind of provocation, except the guilt and aloneness he constantly felt. As soon as he'd done it once, he immediately felt release. The minor sting of skin being ripped apart was nothing, nothing in comparison to the emotional pain that followed and hung over him wherever he went. The reason for said emotional pain he wasn't sure, but that just made him feel all the more guilty for feeling it. What right had he, to spend his life wallowing in grief when he had nothing to grieve for? What right had he to be upset when there were so many other people in genuine pain? So many people were starving, cold, alone, helpless. Some grow up being beaten, abused, raped, what did Roxas have to show for his pain? A dead mother. Axel had a dead brother, and he wasn't screwed up like this. Roxas felt like the biggest asshole in the world, always, or like he didn't deserve anything he had.
Roxas knew when he'd started that he'd taken a path he'd likely never turn from. Cutting was like crying, in his opinion, as he always felt better after a good breakdown. And also, like crying, it was much easier to start than stop. There was something about watching the shiny crimson droplets rise to the surface of his skin that made things seem a bit better. It was like looking at an exhibit of abstract artwork, he liked not knowing what he'd see next, whether the blood would come in the form of just a little red line or in fat droplets, or perhaps it would actually run, as it did on occasion. It was like injecting himself with a drug; he knew it was bad for him, but he was finding it more and more impossible to stop.
He hastily showered so nobody would be suspicious, trying to cast away the thoughts, emotions, and feelings he entered the room with. He took his time drying himself and carefully replaced his wristband. When it was in place, he pulled a clean grey t-shirt over his head and slipped on a pair of boxers. When he re-entered the room, cold in comparison to the hot, steamy bathroom, Sora and Riku were watching The Mask of Zorro on TV, each trying to do impressions of Antonio Banderas (and were both equally terrible). Naminé was curled up in one of the armchairs, surely working on some kind of masterpiece in her sketchbook.
Roxas sat down and tried to concentrate on the movie, to no avail. He couldn't get the initial depressing thoughts out of his head. So after a while he sighed, stretched and got up to go outside onto the balcony.
Once outside, he sat on the plastic lounge chair— the uncomfortable plastic kind that stuck to his back— and let the warm salty sea air wash over him. He breathed in the scent that told him he was home; he felt a lump growing in his throat.
He heard the door slide open; he felt the cool conditioned air leak out as Sora stepped outside, as Roxas knew he would.
"You did it again, didn't you?" Sora said softly, shutting the door with a little click.
"No," Roxas lied. Sora was the only person that knew, he had spotted a bit of blood on the bathroom floor a few months ago. Even Axel didn't know.
"You're lying to me," he said simply. Roxas looked at him. He didn't look angry, on the contrary, he was giving him something of a puppy dog look. Sora never got angry. He only ever got worried. He's gotta be the most selfless person in the worlds, Roxas thought to himself.
Sora never worried about himself. When asked why, he said it was because he had nothing to worry about. That much was true; Sora was a carefree, happy-go-lucky teenaged boy at perfect ease with himself. So he spent his time caring for his friends and family instead. Namely, Roxas.
Roxas didn't say anything. Sora gingerly removed the wristband and examined the wounds, which had been cleaned and bound.
"…why?" He asked softly.
Roxas could see tears welling up in his kid brother's cerulean eyes. He hated seeing him like this. Sora shouldn't have to worry about him like this, it wasn't fair to him. He was nothing but good.
"I know you don't understand," he said, not meeting Sora's eyes, "but… it helps…"
Sora shook his head, "Roxas," he said, a single tear spilled out onto his cheek. "You can't keep this up. Did you even tell Axel yet?"
Roxas looked at his feet, "You're not even supposed to know," he said. He wiped the tear off of Sora's cheek, he couldn't stand looking at it. But to his dismay, that only led to more spilling over. He wiped each of them away as they came.
"Mom wouldn't want—" Sora started, then he shut up. Roxas sent him his famous death glare.
"This isn't about Mom," he hissed, letting his hands fall from his twin's face. He wouldn't let Sora make this about their mom. He would've shouted, but he didn't want the others to know something was up.
"What is it about then?" Sora asked calmly, but Roxas shook his head. Sora just didn't understand, and he never would.
"Please Rox, why won't you talk to me? If it's not Mom what is it?"
Roxas thought about it. He supposed if his mother never died, he wouldn't be messed up like this. He couldn't explain why he hated himself so much. He had lots of friends that adored him, but he always felt he didn't deserve their love. He wasn't special. He didn't see himself as any more than a pain. He knew his friends only called him the struggle champion because he participated in the tournaments, and that Zexion only complimented his writing because he knew it was Roxas' dream to become a writer. But in truth, he knew he had no special talents of any kind. He wasn't a very good friend, he wasn't nice, or funny, there was nothing likeable about him at all. Sometimes he thought Axel only stuck around because they'd known each other since childhood, and out of pity. Roxas hated being pitied. But he was too selfish to confront Axel, perchance he was right and their friendship would be ruined. He thought about what Axel said.
I can't imagine life without you, Rox
He couldn't imagine life without Axel either. He felt guilty for always wanting the poor kid around. He didn't deserve such a good friend…
"Roxas please answer me," Sora begged, "I want to help."
"I know, Sora. I don't think you can help. I don't really know what's wrong with me. But I do know that this… helps," he said, gesturing to the exposed flesh, "Ironically, I think of it like self-medication,"
They'd had these talks before, and Roxas really didn't want to stick around for the lecture.
"I'm going back in," he said, when Sora opened his mouth. He rebound his wounds, and when they were safely covered, he slid the door open and went inside, leaving Sora alone in the night.
Riku's POV
"Hey, Sora! You wanna row over to the little island? I'll race ya!"
They sat together on Riku's parent's dock, feet skimming the warm, perfectly clear salt water, looking out to the little island where they used to play as kids. They came here every year, so his parents kept both his and Sora's old wooden canoes, in case they ever wanted to use them.
Sora didn't answer right away, he looked pretty zoned out. He just sighed and stared off onto the distance, and for a moment Riku wasn't sure whether Sora had even heard him. This was not typical of him.
"Sora, you ok?"
The brunette looked up to meet a pair of pretty aquamarine eyes. When Riku was younger they were an icy blue, but now they had subtle hints of green, and right now they staring intently into Sora's.
"Yeah, I'm fine Riku," he said to his silver-haired companion, and climbed into his boat. Suddenly Riku recognized this passive behavior, and knew that it must've been to do with Roxas. The first time Sora confronted the blonde, he'd been sworn into secrecy. He promised to never tell a soul. But Riku saw that something was bothering him, and he didn't give up until Sora told him everything. Riku had listened patiently, then comforted his friend and promised he would never ask Roxas about it. Sora never even told him that he told Riku.
"It's Roxas, isn't it?" he asked, as they began rowing towards the island, "Something's up. You're worried about him," Sora stayed quiet, and they finished their journey in silence. When they finally reached their destination, Sora just rowed right into the sand bank instead of bothering to tie his boat up and the dock. He got and rolled over into the sand. Then, slowly, he nodded.
Riku sat down next to Sora, draping an arm over his shoulders, "You can't save everybody, Sor. He's gotta figure this out on his own."
Sora nodded. Then, to his surprise, he flung his arms around Riku and started crying.
"I-I just can't s-stand watching him—d-do that to himself!" He sobbed into Riku's shoulder.
Riku hated when Sora was upset; he tried to think of something to say to comfort him, but when Sora cried, he wanted to cry. So he didn't say anything. Instead, he wrapped his arms around his friend and rubbed circles on his back, like his mother used to do when he was small. Sora began to slow his breathing, his hitched breaths slowly became steady.
Despite his friend crying, Riku found himself smiling a little. He had his arms wrapped around Sora, who's head was buried in his collarbone. Sora, who was single. Sora, who was no longer dating their mahogany haired roommate. Sora, who for some time, Riku had a bit of a thing for.
No, he told himself sternly, wincing a little, bad thoughts…
Sora finally stopped crying, he lifted his head up, "Thank you, Riku," he smiled, still sniffling a little bit. "I'm okay now. And…" he whispered, "Last one to the paopu tree is a rotten egg!" He sang, and starting running toward the tiny islet with the particular tree.
Riku was shocked at how quickly Sora could recover from little episodes like that. He truly was something special, that Sora.
They spent the rest of the day playing juvenile games on the little island. Our island, Riku thought to himself.
All the children on the larger island came there to play, making elaborate clubhouses, bridges, and even swords out of wood. Riku and Sora came to it two years earlier, after Sora graduated high school and Riku finished his freshman year of college. They were a little old to be playing on the kids' island, but it was something they both missed about their home.
That was when they discovered the secret place near the waterfall. Hidden behind the tree off to the left was a little pocket in the cliff face. There was a little hole in the top, allowing the sun to shine through. They came back to the place every day that week to hang out, and carve pictures into the walls. It became their place.
They sat on the paopu tree, which was bent over so far it was horizontal, and watched the sun sink lower into the late afternoon sky. Sora suddenly jumped up and said, "Hey Riku! Let's go to our secret place!"
Riku didn't object, it was his favorite spot on the island after all. He got up and ran after Sora, trying to catch up with him, because to Sora, everything was always a race. Soon they were neck and neck, huffing and puffing, trying to reach the big tree before the other. Sora ws slightly behind him, and was slowing his pace slightly.
"Giving up already?" Riku teased, making for one final sprint. To his surprise, his and Sora's hands clapped onto the cool wet stone wall next to the waterfall at the exact same time with a loud smacking sound, breathing heavily. Oh, please, don't take your shirt off, Riku silently begged the brunette.
The opening of the hidden cave was small, but the inside was bigger than it looked. The ceiling was high enough for Riku, who stood 5' 11'' to stand up straight. He leaned against the wall and watched Sora, who walked over the picture that he and Kairi carved when he had brought her here. It showed the two of them, feeding each other a paopu fruit. Riku didn't like that picture. The legend of the paopu fruit said that if two people ate from the same fruit, their destinies would intertwine. They'd remain together forever and ever, no matter what, until the day they died. He was unsure whether the two ever actually did share one.
Sora sat cross-legged and started carving at Kairi's head. When he was done, Riku could see that she was still there, but a little bit different. Sora had made her hair long, straight and layered.
"This isn't her place," he said to Riku, "It's ours."
Riku smiled, then bit his lip. He didn't know if Sora realized just how romantic he was being.
Sora decided then, for apparently no reason at all, to hug Riku, gently wrapping his arms around him, letting them rest on his waist.
Before Riku thought about what he was doing, he tipped Sora's chin up and kissed him softly on the lips.
A million little alarms went off in Riku's head, screaming to him that this wasn't right, that friends are not supposed to kiss their friends and Sora is straight, screaming for him to stop. Then again, what's the point? He thought to himself, It's out now. No taking that back later.
So he stayed still and gently tried to coax a response from the brunette, very softly beginning to move his lips. His heart soared in pure ecstasy as Sora seemed to be responding. The smaller boy brought his hands up to touch Riku's face, then abruptly forced them apart. He stared up at Riku with ocean blue eyes, wide with shock.
Riku ran one hand though his hair. He felt so stupid now. What was he supposed to say? Their friendship was obviously ruined, what did he have left to do? He was left stuttering like an idiot. "Right. Uhh sorry I—"
Sora cut Riku off by taking his face (which he'd never let go of in the first place and crushing their lips together. Riku widened his eyes involuntarily for a moment with shock from Sora's interest, but then promptly shut them, taking in everything he could from this. After all, who knew what this meant when it came to Sora? He dropped his arms to Sora's shoulders and forced him against the cool cave wall, deepening the kiss considerably. He licked Sora's lips, asking for entry, who gladly let him in. He felt Sora's tongue slide into his mouth, swirling around his own as they wrestled for dominance, after a moment or two, Sora gave in and slipped down the wall a little. He moved his hands through Riku's hair, twisting his fingers and creating knots, before slowly moving down to settle on his neck. Riku's hands moved down to grip his waist, half from passion and half to prevent Sora falling down. Then he snuck one hand under the other boy's shirt. Nipping hungrily at Sora's lips, he ran his hand all over his torso, deepening the kiss even more. Sora whimpered a little when Riku's hand grazed over his nipples.
Riku broke the kiss, moving his mouth over Sora's cheeks, leaving a trail of kisses down to his neck. Sora arched his back to bring them closer together, and moaned as Riku kissed and sucked the sensitive part of his neck, leaving a large hickey. Eventually he stopped and looked at Sora before kissing him softly once, twice, three times, then pulled back as Sora opened his eyes.
"You're very good at that you know," Riku said, smirking. Sora blushed, "Sooooo what now?" He decided he'd leave that much to Sora, after all, he had kissed him. But Sora kissed back, didn't he?
"Now… I suppose we get to go tell my family," he said it like it was a question, Riku realized he was making sure it was okay that they have an official relationship.
He wasn't really that surprised, he had a reputation as a bit of a whore, and Sora knew he had slept with a lot of girls. But what Sora didn't know was that Riku'd wanted him for over a year now. He didn't hide his excitement as he slipped his hand into Sora's and intertwined their fingers.
"Sounds good to me, babe,"
Roxas' POV
"Wait, what now?"
Sora and Riku had called Roxas, Naminé, Cloud and Leon (who thankfully were fully dressed and bored) into the kids' room. Naminé, who had already been in there when they'd arrived, closed her sketchbook and gave them her attention. She seemed to know what was coming. Cloud and Leon sat together on the loveseat, and Roxas stayed standing. He had just come back from the pool and wondered what was going on. Leon had nodded and said, "The floor is yours."
Sora and Riku had been sitting at the foot of their bed, "Uhh," Sora started, "Me and Riku just wanted to tell you all that we're… well, together."
Roxas did a double take. "Wait what now?" he intervened. He honestly couldn't say he hadn't been expecting it a little, as the two were so close, and Sora was a hopeless flirt, but to be fair it had come on very suddenly, and very soon after Kairi.
Naminé just smiled, nodded once to acknowledge them, then went back into sketchbook. Roxas could swear he heard her whisper, "I knew it."
"He's my boyfriend," Riku stated flatly to Roxas.
Cloud eyed the hickey on Sora's neck, then briefly pinched the bridge of his nose, then said, "Since when are you gay, Sora?"
Sora shrugged and took Riku's hand, "I dunno, since now. You don't…" he eyed his father suspiciously, "have a problem with that, do you?"
"I— no. Of course not. That'd be a bit hypocritical of me, wouldn't it?" he said, slipping an arm around his husband's waist, "You'll always be welcome in the family, Riku," he added to the silverette who now held Sora on his lap.
Leon leaned over and whispered something into Cloud's ear, who gave a rare smirk.
Roxas' eyes narrowed. Why did he get the feeling they were talking about him? He didn't consider it too much now, he had a few questions he needed to ask Sora. He wasn't exactly sure why they were itching at his brain, but he needed to know…
"A moment?" he said to Sora.
"Okie dokie," said Sora cheerfully, hopping off his new boyfriend's lap and following his twin brother outside.
"What's up?" Sora asked, after the door was shut and they were all alone.
"When did you start liking Riku?" Roxas asked him seriously.
"I don't really know," Sora confessed. "I sort of felt it coming on the first time when we went over to the little island. But it was… kind of a familiar feeling. It was like… it had been there all along."
"Romantic," Roxas said sarcastically, "but when did you, you know, know?"
"Well, I kinda just acted on impulse when he kissed me," Sora said, blushing a little bit, "It just seemed—wait, why so interested?" he said, skeptically.
"Wha—I'm not!" he said defensively, "I was just curious."
"But why bring me out here?" Sora asked smugly, lacing his fingers and putting his hands behind his head.
"I… I didn't want to ask… in front of Riku, 'cause I thought he might be weird about it," he lied on his toes.
Sora didn't seem to buy it. He narrowed his eyes a moment, then said, "Yeah… okay. I'm gonna go back inside now, if you don't have anything else you wanna talk about."
Roxas knew that Sora was itching to get back to Riku, so he shook his head no and Sora ran back into their room. He was barely alone a moment when Naminé came out.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" she asked, timidly, "The lighting is better out here,"
He gestured toward the seat next to him, "Have at it, baby sister." She smiled and took a seat. Roxas was always curious to see what she was drawing, she was rather good at it. His jaw dropped when he saw what she was working on. It was Riku, looking at Sora. She had a tiny photo clipped to the corner of the page but he thought the drawing captured them better than the picture did.
It was taken at the airport while they were waiting for their flight. Sora was smiling and waving at the camera, but Riku was watching Sora. The level of love and adoration in his eyes was unmistakable. He looked at him like a mother looked at her newborn child, like he was the most wonderful thing he'd ever seen.
"Wow, how did any of us miss that?" he muttered to himself, "You knew all this time?" he asked Naminé.
She smiled a little, and said, "I saw it the first time a little less than a year ago, but this is just from Sunday." It amazed Roxas that she could make such a beautiful work of art in only a few days.
Sora's really lucky, Roxas thought. "What else have you been working on?" he asked his sister.
Naminé's cheeks… flushed? Roxas was very curious now. She was never boastful, but she was always eager to show her work off to anyone who asked.
She didn't turn the pages, but she allowed Roxas to take the book off her lap and flick through it himself. He started from the beginning: an angel, a tiger, Kairi, a child on a swing, Zexion reading by a window, the beach, Demyx strumming his sitar, Sora and Riku, the little island, he and Axel—wait, he and Axel?
He studied the picture. It showed the two of them on the couch in their apartment, presumably playing a video game. Roxas was pointing and laughing at the TV screen, and Axel was pointing and laughing at Roxas.
He noticed three unusual things about the drawing. The most obvious was that it was in full color, unlike Naminé's style. The colors of Axel's hair and eyes stood out well. The second oddity was Roxas, he was smiling. Roxas never smiled. The thing that stuck out the most to Roxas though, was Axel's eyes. Though he was grinning broadly, the look in his eyes was identical to Riku's. He looked… like he was seeing the sun for the first time.
Roxas was sure he'd never seen Axel look at him like that before, but then again, it wasn't often he looked Axel in the eyes anyway. Then he noticed yet another thing that was strange about it; she didn't have a photograph to go along with it like she did the others.
"No photo?" he asked. She didn't meet his eyes.
"I didn't need one," she said quietly.
"How come?"
"I've seen you two like that so often I probably could have done this with my eyes closed,"
He shook his head. No, he thought, that can't be right, I don't laugh, I don't smile. He considered the matter a moment. When he was with Axel, he realized, he didn't feel alone and isolated and miserable like he did the rest of the time. He wondered for a moment why he never noticed this before, but the answer came to him almost as quickly as he'd asked the question. It was because when they were together, he was too wrapped up in whatever they were doing or discussing to care about anything else.
Oh, God, he thought. Was he in love with Axel?
No, he told himself firmly, pushing the idea out of his thoughts. Don't be ridiculous, you aren't gay. He's your best friend. Best friends are supposed to do that for each other.
'Best friends don't look at each other that way,' another voice in his mind sneered.
He's not looking at me in a special way, he told himself. Besides, it's a drawing. There's not even a photo for it. Naminé could easily be making that up.
'She was right about Sora and Riku,' the voice pointed out.
No, he repeated to himself, with finality, I'm not in love with Axel. Besides, that would totally freak him out. Just entertaining the idea is freaking me out.
"It's really good," he told Naminé, pretending the picture was like any other. She gave him a look similar to the one Sora gave him just a few moments ago.
"Thanks, Rox."
Please tell me what you thought, and if the SoRiku was a bit too fast moving... keep in mind that this was originally supposed to be a oneshot!
