A/N: This is a songfic in which Anthy sings a song about Utena after Utena has disappeared trying to save Anthy in the anime. Anthy is thinking about her feelings while singing. Please r&r!

Disclaimer: I do not own Revolutionary girl Utena or the song 'Night after night', I'm just borrowing them in this non profital work.The song 'Night after night (out of the shadows)' is written and performed by the Rasmus. It can be found in their cd 'Hide from the sun'. Revolutionary girl Utena belongs to Chico Saito/J.C.STAFF studio. If any of those mentioned requests it, I shall remove this piece of work.

I shall find you again

''Heaven sent you, to bring the answer. Heaven sent you, to cure this cancer.

For a moment , unbeatable chance. For a moment, the world in my hands.''

Why did I refuse Utena's love? That question has been haunting me ever since I did it. Was it the fact that she was a girl? Was it because I was afraid of real love? Was it because I couldn't believe someone would really love me? My life had been so miserable for so long I didn't even remember what normal was anymore. I hid myself behind facades, I hid my soul behind walls and I hid my heart behind shells. I hated what my brother did to me, but I didn't know what to do about it. I thought it was my destiny to obey, that it was my duty to obey, that I didn't have any other option.. When Utena came and offered me a way out I was thrilled first; finally I had a chance to choose my way. Then I chose wrong. I was an idiot. I had chance to put and end to my own misery but I didn't do that, instead I just caused more pain. I didn't find the courage to revolutionize my own future.

''Like an angel you came -Every time when I prayed. Guardian of my dreams -Watching me as I sleep.

Like an angel you came, every time when I screamed.''

I don't understand what Utena saw in me. I was a pathetic girl, who couldn't even save herself.. still she came every time and fought for me. She was my knight in shining armour, trying to safe me from my fate and from my violent grooms. It didn't matter how hard or dangerous the opponents were, she never gave up, never hesitated and always found the courage from herself. I didn't quite get it first why she was doing it all for me. First I thought it was because we became friends and then I thought she did it because she liked to pretend to be a prince. Too late I realised she did it because she loved me for real. What else could have given her the courage to try to save me even after I had struck the sword through her and hurted her both physically and mentally? I don't deserve that kind of love. Still she came for me and gave it to me, freeing me and saving me.. even if I had abandoned her just a moment before. She revolutionized my future, when I didn't have the courage myself. And now she isn't with me anymore.

''Time after time I lose again. Night after night I wake up shaking cause my world is breaking.

I'm fool enough to fail again. Night after night I wake up crying cause I feel like dying.''

I miss Utena so much. For the first time in my life I'm totally free and can decide what I want to do. That thought scares me, but I wouldn't change this freedom for anything. I don't want to find Utena because I can't survive alone, but because she was the only person who didn't took advantage of me. She didn't want me because I represented something that can be used to gain power or something else. She wanted me, the real me. Utena just cared for me without any ulterior motives. It hurts me to know that I hurted her and I want to make it up to her as soon as possible. I want to make her feel loved the way she made me feel. I cannot be a whole person before I find her and can be in her arms again. Why I had to be so stupid and push her away? If I hadn't, we could be together now; share our lives and cherish our love. I hate myself for my actions and I won't forgive myself before she had forgiven me. This empty feeling, like something is missing from my heart, won't go away before she comes and fills it. I know that I caused my own suffering and I just have to take it as a punishment for my choices, no matter how much it hurts.

''Still disconnected, and unprotected. Still I'm haunted, but unwanted.

For a moment, unbeatable stars. For a moment, you stayed in my arms.''

I was so releaved I could leave the Ohtori academy behind and go to real world and search for Utena. I cannot understand how no one remembers her anymore, but I'm certain it all happened. I feel her love even if she isn't here with me and I miss her all the time. I know she is real, she was my knight, my prince and my saviour. Now I'm left alone but I had a second change for the life I never had, thanks to her. And I don't want to waste this chance, I will find my knight again.. I swear I shall find my love again. I swear that someday I will be in Utena's arms and that will be all I ever need. Even if I have to turn every stone and leaf to find her, I will do it.. because now I can finally admit that I love her.

''Like an angel you came -Every time when I prayed. Guardian of my dreams -Watching me as I sleep.

Like an angel you came, every time when I screamed...''

And now I'm coming for you, Utena..my love.

A/N: There's going to be at least two more Anthy/Utena songfics someday.