Chapter 2 Tahlia
"Alex?" I turn around at the voice in the semi darkness. Jonesy stands there with tears staining his cheeks too. But at least he can speak. "Go and see your little girl," he whispers, walking closer to me. "Go and see her. Go and hold onto her." He looks at me with shattered eyes and a down turned mouth. She was my soulmate, but she was his best mate. I take his advice.
I don't know how I find the nursery. I don't know where it is in this hospital. But eventually I reach it and there is the doctor, leaning over his desk, lit up only by a dim lamp. He looks up when he hears me enter, and with the same look on his face as before, he leads me over to one of the bassinets that sits quietly within the small room.
We both look at her for a moment, sleeping soundly, the picture of beauty. My first child. My only child. My child with Amy. "Her name's Tahlia," I whisper to the doctor beside me. "Tahlia Amy Kirby." It's the only name that would ever seem right. He nods, understanding, and leaves me to be with her.
Delicately I slip my hands underneath her head and her back and lift her out of the bassinet, propping her against my chest. Instantly I smell her scent – a soft, new, gentle little smell that I've never had the pleasure of smelling before. Sitting down in the armchair by the window I watch as she sleeps in my arms, content, snuggled and safe, but without the person she needs the most. My tears stain her pink blanket, but she doesn't stir.
Hey there's not a cloud in sight
It's as blue as your blue goodbye
And I thought that it would rain
The day you went away
I extend my hand to her, and she glides out of her seat the way she has been gliding around all afternoon. She's walking on air, just like I am. I pull her close and even though our friends and family clap and cheer I almost can't hear them. She seems dwarfed in front of me, our fingers intertwined and our foreheads almost touching. She closes her eyes for a moment and I take the opportunity to breathe in her scent – the essence of everything about her that I fell in love with that first day in the CI office. The way her skin always smells like fresh rain, and her hair like a bundle of sweet roses. At night those smells help me to fall asleep, and in the morning I wake up to them right by my side for yet another day.
We sway in the middle of the dimly lit dance floor, and I feel like we're the only two people on this earth. The bottom of her dress swishes swiftly from side to side and brushes my ankles occasionally as we take our first dance together. No words come out of her mouth, and none come out of mine. There seems to be nothing left to say. We both mouth the words to the song we picked out months ago. It is our song, and a tear slips down her cheek as she sings it softly with me, so close that I can feel her warm breath on my chin.
Where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am…the luckiest
I look down at the wiggling infant in my arms who sleeps in exactly the same way her mother does. Did. She's gone. I need to keep reminding myself of that. Only now is it really beginning to hurt inside. It hurts so much that I ease myself painstakingly back up to standing and place Tahlia back down on the sheets that make up her bassinet here. She doesn't wake as she settles back into the small space and I lean my hands on the plastic edging as I try to control my gulps for air that struggle with my tears.
I feel like we're in that awkward spot my father spoke of just before the wedding. The time after the honeymoon, but before you've settled into a life together as a married couple. I've been trying to tell her all day – tell her how much I love her – to make this awkward feeling go away, but I just haven't had the chance. And now I walk through the door by myself, it's 6pm, and I still haven't bloody told her.
I flop down on the couch and try to shake off the feeling of emptiness our house contains. I wish she didn't have to stay back at work today. As I think this, my phone rings with the ring tone I always love to hear. It's one of the songs Nick Barker sings on the movie 'Amy'. And it means that my Amy is calling. I smile and dig eagerly into my pocket to retrieve my phone.
"Hey babe," I answer, loving that she lets me call her that at last. It wasn't always that way.
"Hi," she answers quietly in reply. She rushes on. "Can you meet me?"
I'm confused. "I thought you were working?"
"I'm not feeling well…" she stutters, still quiet.
The slightest thing and I'm worried, but I don't show it, because I know that's not what she wants. "Sure babe…where?"
"The coffee shop around the corner." It's settled. We hang up and I head straight back out the door.
I walk up to her quickly and she does the same and we meet each other eagerly on the street corner. The sun is just starting to go down, leaving a bright yellowy orange glow across everything, including us. I assume we will go and have a coffee, and then I can tell her what I've been meaning to for the last two days, but she doesn't move from the spot where she stands on the pavement and I look at her, curious. She kisses me hungrily on the mouth – hard and loving and never something she has really done in public before – and then laces her fingers through mine and leads me down the street for a few metres before I settle into a steady walking rhythm beside her.
She stands close to me, our shoulders touching. She seems nervous. Not as nervous as me though. So it doesn't come out like I wanted it to. "I'm glad you're not working…" I whisper to her as we walk, a smile curling onto my lips. It just tumbles out. "I love you even more today than I did yesterday." I smile, but it's not returned.
"Alex I think I'm pregnant."
What?
She stops and lets go of my hand, right there in the middle of the street, taking me by surprise. Not that I thought we would just keep on walking after she said something like that, but still.
"Really?" I seem happier about this than she does, and she's known longer than me. But knowing Amy, she's spent that whole day agonising over it.
She nods and we continue walking. When we finally get back to the station where our cars are parked her demeanour's changed. I can see it in her eyes how badly she wants this. The way she grips my hand with such strength, and never takes her eyes away from looking at mine as we stand leaning against my car. The way she won't move for fear I might disagree with her and how she ignores the ringing of her mobile in her pocket.
You leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
As if I would ever say no to this. The grin can't be wiped off my face. "Amy!" I laugh, my feet almost not touching the ground. I squeeze her hand right back, and then cup her face in my hands for a kiss – the same kind of kiss she gave me on the corner before.
She smiles too, just a small smile and then goes to speak. "I don't know for sure yet Alex…" she stares at the ground. "I might not be."
I know she's stressed. She doesn't feel well. She's worried. I envelope her into my chest and hold her. "Don't worry babe," I try to soothe her. "Wait and see."
Wait and see. Wait and see. I'm dying here! Just quietly, I think she is – she's looked like death for a week now. Not her usual self. Something's different about her. But I don't say anything. Every night since that day at the coffee shop she's slept really close to me, and I've just been waiting.
I've only just opened my eyes. She's all fuzzy. And very awake. I sit up quickly, but she pulls me back down and we lay in amongst the sheets, facing each other.
"I am."
