The loud rumble of thunder jolted Meredith awake. The storm was back. It took her a moment to remember where she was, but then the events of the past twenty-four hours came rushing back to her when she realized she was at Derek's trailer. In Derek's bed. With Derek next to her. It brought a smile to her face.
Earlier that day they had woken up in her jeep, and the sun was shining. Now that they could see clearly they had realized they were only about a mile from Derek's. After calling a tow truck they walked back, and they did so hand in hand. But they were both silent, neither one wanting to be the first to bring up the screaming match that had preceded their frantic romp in the backseat the night before.
When they finally got back to the trailer, Derek had made coffee and they'd sat across from eachother in his kitchen, still silent, still pondering to themselves about what to make of the previous night's events. And then they dealt with it the only way they knew how. They made love over and over again until their brains couldn't function any further than the feeling of their intertwined limbs and soft breathing as they lay together, falling into a sated sleep.
Now Meredith was awake. She turned over and watched Derek as he slept. He was on his side facing her, one arm underneath her tiny frame and the other hand resting between them on the pillow. She brought her own hand up and laced her fingers with his as she listened to his slow, even breathing. Right now, in this moment, there was no denying it. She loved him more than she thought was possible. The emotion took hold of her so suddenly that she felt tears build up in her eyes, and her mind began to race.
This is good. Laying here, in his arms, feeling his warm body against her own. But it was never this easy. Time after time they had fought, they had let their issues build up inside until they couldn't take it anymore and they allowed their physical connection to override the ever present problems that still bubbled beneath the surface. She knew it was only a matter of time until it burst, and they were back to square one. It scared her. She couldn't live like this, in this constant cycle of pleasure followed on its heels by misery. But the alternative, being without him, was unbearable. She felt the familiar feeling of dread begin to build in her gut. They had been in love. Then he had a wife. They had tried again. She couldn't commit. He couldn't wait. He kissed Rose. He kissed Rose. He kissed Rose. The thought made her want to vomit and the speed at which these anxious thoughts were running through her head became so overwhelming that before she knew it she was sobbing into the pillow.
Her body trembling next to him woke Derek, and he instinctively pulled her to him despite the haze of sleep that still held half of his consciousness. His gesture only made her cry harder, and he felt warm tears on his chest.
"Hey, hey..." He murmured.
"I.. I.. this.. can't.. I can't." She finally spit out through her gasps.
"Breathe. Then talk." He said as he stroked her hair and wrapped his arms more tightly around her.
After a few minutes he finally felt her relax, and he waited a moment before breaking the silence.
"Mer? Tell me." He kept his embrace tight so that she couldn't roll out of his grasp, which he knew would be her first instinct. She looked up at him with sadness in her eyes.
"This can't happen. We can't have sex and act like that makes it all go away. There are problems, Derek. Me and you, we have problems. Obviously we work when we're naked. But aside from that, we have some serious issues and this having sex as a solution, we've tried it. It doesn't work. I can't..." she closed her eyes as she started to cry softly again, "I can't keep going through this. We can't. We have to move on this time. I have to go."
He immediately took her chin in his hand and tilted her head so that she had no choice but to meet his gaze.
"No," he said firmly, almost harshly, "You will not do this. Last night... last night was not just having sex as a temporary solution. Last night was two people who love each other connecting on a level that I didn't even know existed. You, Meredith Grey, are not going to do this. I told you I would never leave you again. And I will never leave you again. That includes not letting you leave me either."
"But..." He quickly put a finger to her lips.
"Listen to me. It's three in the morning. We're both exhausted. But you're right, we have issues. Big ones. And we also both have the rest of the weekend off. Tomorrow we spend the day here, and we will sit down and we'll talk. We'll start from the very beginning, and we will talk through every single problem that ever arose in this relationship, and by the time we are finished our slate will be clean. And we'll start fresh."
She cringed at the thought of a day full of talking about their relationship. She could barely admit when she was the tiniest bit upset, let alone delve into the depths of her emotional issues. He felt her response and pulled her even closer to him, if that was possible.
"I felt that flinch, you know. But you heard me right. Your worst nightmare. A whole day of talking. About everything. And you can hate me, and you can try to run, and you can try to avoid, but I don't care." He began to laugh. "You know why I don't care?" He asked.
She was confused. "Why?"
"Because your car is in the parking lot of JJ's Towing and I'm your only ride home."
She giggled and smacked him playfully. "Asshole."
"Now go to sleep, woman." She sighed and buried her face in the crook of his neck. Tomorrow sounded like a living hell. But for now, all she knew was that he was holding her, and that was exactly what she wanted.
"Morning," Derek mumbled, rolling over and reaching for Meredith. Much to his disappointment, he found only sheets and a pillow next to him. He yawned, stretched, and slowly got himself up and out of bed. Wondering where Meredith had gone, he made his way to the door.
Outside, Meredith was sitting on the patio in front of the trailer, sipping coffee and staring out across his sprawling land. He was taken aback by how beautiful she was, even after just rolling out of bed. Her hair was messy, her curls cascading down her back in a disarray. She was wearing nothing but his red shirt, two of the middle buttons done and the rest open, exposing the soft skin of her chest and legs. He thought of how good it had felt to finally touch her again.
"Good morning," he said groggily as he made his way over to her. She turned and smiled, her eyes sparkling in the morning sun.
"Hey, you." She surprised him by reaching for his hand, lacing her fingers through his and resting her head against his shoulder as he sat beside her.
"I'm glad you're here." He whispered, and pressed his lips softly to the top of her head.
"Me too."
They sat there for awhile, content and enjoying the warm sun that was finally shining after the stormy weather of the past few days. She knew it wouldn't be long before he brought up the talking, and she was right. Which is why she was relieved that she had come up with an alternative plan.
"So. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but why don't we start the talking. The sooner we do it, the sooner we resolve things, and the sooner..." He tilted his head and sucked on her earlobe, blowing softly and smiling when she sighed, "The sooner we can go back to bed."
She scooted closer to him and looked up, meeting his gaze. "You know, the thunder kept waking me up last night, and I had some time to think. You want to talk, I don't want to talk. But the reality is we need to do it. So..." She paused, and he saw apprehension in her eyes.
"So...?"
"Don't laugh. Maybe this is a dumb idea."
"No idea of yours is dumb." He smiled warmly, trying to encourage her.
"I have a... well maybe it is. I think I have a compromise."
"A compromise eh?"
"I was thinking about how I'm no good at this talking thing. But I really do want to tell you things. I really..." She paused again, and he squeezed her hand. "I just don't want to mess up again. I'm afraid if I jump into this big conversation, I'll just end up getting defensive and we'll end up arguing and I... I don't want to fight anymore." She stopped again.
"Although, may I argue the sex that follows thereafter makes up for any arguing done on our parts." She gave him a half smile, knowing he was trying to put her at ease.
"I wish we could fix everything that way."
"We certainly tried. But I want to hear your compromise."
"Okay. Here it is. Maybe... since I'm a bad talker and we need to get rid of the water under the... thing, and get everything out and... you know. Maybe we could do letters." She looked into his eyes, searching for a reaction, but he was confused.
"Letters?"
"You know, letters. Like, I'll go home and you'll stay here. And we write it all down. Start from the top, everything we felt about everything that happened. Even if it takes forever. And then when we're done, we read them. To eachother. And we can't interrupt and we can't talk until we both read them. And then it will all be out, and we'll know everything and well... I guess we would still have to talk after that. Sorry, it was a dumb idea..." He looked at her, shocked that she had really thought about all this and made an effort to come up with a way to get past her difficulties with opening up. It made him love her even more.
"Meredith Grey, I think letters is a great idea. We will have to talk after but it will be easier. It will all already be out on the table. I want to do it."
"You really do?"
"I really do."
She smiled and moved onto his lap, cupping his face with her hands and pressing her lips to his. When he started to pull away she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him back, resting her forehead against his and slowly, softly running the tip of her tongue over his bottom lip and up around the top.
"Mmmm," he moaned and pulled her body to his, slipping his tongue between her lips and running it over the roof of her mouth. She swung her leg over his lap so she was straddling him, and their tongues danced hungrily, each of them trying to convey the love they felt but couldn't seem to put into words.
He began to pant and gripped her bottom, almost losing it when he realized she was naked under his shirt.
"God, Mer," He pushed into her, grinding his hips into hers and moaning again into her mouth. With that she lifted her head and pushed him away, getting up quickly before her own willpower was lost. He reached for her but she slipped away.
"Mer..."
"Nope. We can't. Talk first. Or... write first? Whatever. We need a clean start, and that... that was not clean. That was dirty, and will only get dirtier if we keep going. I'm going to get dressed and then you are going to take me home."
He reluctantly got up and followed her back inside. "You are an evil woman."
"I'm sorry, Mr. The-Sooner-We-Get-It-Overwith-The-Sooner-We-Have-Sex. Did I do something wrong?" He laughed.
"Touche, Dr. Grey. Now put some clothes on and go home. You can just take my car and bring it back later. Today we write, tonight we read, and then... well you know what comes then."
She finished pulling on her top and made her way over to him, walking him back into the wall and bringing her face within inches of his own.
"Oh, Dr. Shepherd, I know what comes then." She slowly ran her hand down his stomach and over his groin, reaching into the opening in his boxers and pumping his length a few times before cupping his balls. He jerked into her hand and his eyes rolled back. "I know what comes next, and I can't wait." She kissed him hard and quick, pulled away, and before he knew it she was out the door.
"Evil!" He yelled as she waved and pulled away. He turned and grabbed a pen and paper, wondering how he was going to manage to compose a letter in the state she had left him in.
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