There are time jumps, and I apologize if it seems a tad bit choppy. Leave a review if you want, I like to read them.
I had wanted this chapter to be a reflection chapter for Sachiko.
I do not own Maria-sama ga Miteru.
Chapter 2: Language Barrier.
While it is true I'm a fully grown woman completely capable of deciding my future of my own volition, that is only by my age. The truth is, I feel as if I'm not completely self assured of my life. Those around me see that side of me often. I wonder if I've done the correct thing. I often waver, and feel as if my choices aren't correct. This is due in large part with the direct facts of my upbringing. I am a woman of a somewhat noble stature. You could call me a blue blood. Although, truth be told, I do not find myself considering such a vile form of recognition a compliment. Last time I looked, I had red blood, not blue.
I was a small child when that fact was made quite clear. I learned I was a human girl, who ironically enough, had red blood. The proof trickled down my finger, over the pages of my book. As a child of higher stature, the terms that raise you above others seemly do two things. Firstly, they segregate you from the majority of the populace, gifting a warped view of the world. As a woman you learn the role handed down by the women before you. For me, and my family, that consists of one simple thing. Being a proper wife for a wealthy man. I simply scorn that particular idealism for many a reason, but, I digress.
The second impression of such words tend to leave most children lost. Unsure of who is correct, it would be difficult to understand what is, and is not, normal of a child to do. Playing tag, for a prime example, isn't something I found enjoyment in. Then again, at the age I would have learned something like that, it had been nearly beaten into me that I was not like other small girls. I was a young lady, and should act accordingly. Surely, with that in mind, you can see why I wasn't exactly fond of Yumi being so...well, I can not seem to give a precise word for her often contagious, and sometimes addicting actions, so, I'll settle for haphazard at best. Looking back, my harsh upbringing turned me into a stern teen, likely to become a bitter woman.
This was not the fault of my mother, it was my father who should be blamed. I could be pointing fingers without proper reason, but feelings aren't always rational. Again though, I regret to say I'm veering off of my course. My tea today is slightly too sweet, but that does tend to happen when Yumi is in charge. Now then, she is the reason I've stated what I have. My villa is a perfect summer getaway, for me, and my family. Though we all have our plans for the future that tend to revolve around each other, currently, it is as separate entities that we stand unified.
We are still what we are, but, there was a time when life wasn't so peaceful. I know my feelings for Yumi are what they are, and we have come to accept them without question. I can remember a time when such things weren't so easily accepted. I couldn't bring myself to show that particular aspect of myself. It wasn't funny at the time, but right now, it would be considered almost impossible to believe. Personally, I blame Sei for her ludicrous ideas. At least, I'd love to do so. In truth, it was I, in my infinite wisdom, that carried out those plans. Why? I have no idea. I'd prefer to think of my momentary lapse in logic as a one time occurrence that will never, ever, happen again.
Every rose may have a thorn, but, never normally is the thorn sticking into one's own backside.
I must have been the acceptation for that rule.
At least, I wish I could think of it that way.
The new year had started, and I was unsure of myself. Lillian University was a new experience. I was gone from the safety of the nest. One could say I hadn't been completely ready to spread my wings. I simply couldn't fly. The night sky would bring thoughts and feelings I couldn't control. I wished for Yumi's touch, her protection from the cold. It wasn't the air around me. No, that was rather warm. My sheets were thick and offered me comfort, but...well, was it so much to ask? Begging, pleading to be held, just once, by someone who loved me. I wanted safety, sought it out the best I could. The only problem I had were these inexplicable emotions. I was ashamed. I hadn't wished to talk with many about this self inflicted crisis, so, I had gone running behind Sei.
In careful reflection, I realize now that seeking help from her, of all people, she wasn't exactly the smartest idea I've ever had. Actually, I do believe that the "speak with Sei" plan ranks right along with running into a underclassmen, provoking a fight, and attempting to intimidate her into being my seour. Not that it didn't end well mind you. Quite simply, now that I look back, I lacked a level of integrity that a woman of my personal upbringing should have always upheld. Anyway, it was the night I spoke with Sei. That's when my troubles all began. I can pinpoint the night exactly.
I remember it as if it were yesterday...
"Would you stop pacing already? Sooner or later, my floor will catch on fire." Sei sighed as she watched onward in amusement. "Yumi is the type that many would find attraction in. It would be hard not to love a girl like her." Sei made it sound so easy. As if the matter wasn't nearly as complicated as it felt. "Honestly, what's the harm in that? I personally don't see one."
"I apologize for being problematic, but this is serious." Sachiko's eyes bore into the floor as she continued her route. "I don't just love her." There wasn't any good way to express it. "I'm in love with her."
"So am I." Sei chuckled as that earned a hard glare. "I think Toko is too."
"Stop playing around." Sachiko's anger was beginning to rise. "Why did I even come here?" What Sei couldn't figure out, was why Sachiko seemed so guarded. "All you'll do is play games. Go ahead, proceed in berating me for my actions." It could have been a protective front. "I should have sought help elsewhere." The more she heard though, the more Sei didn't think it was. The first year university student was more than just annoyed, she was readable. Completely predictable. Things that never happened on the face of this earth, ever, fell into place when Yumi was involved. The great Ogasawara Sachiko became human. Completely, utterly human. A woman filled with passionate emotions. Sei had to admit, that particular part of the red roses cold be considered extremely sexy. If they weren't also impossible to deal with, that is.
"Don't stay if you don't want." Sei shrugged, she was better at dealing with Yumi. "But, I doubt you'll find help from Yoko. She doesn't understand this, not like I do." Her demeanor was care free. Sachiko wasn't her problem. Still, through thick and thin the roses stood by each other, and it didn't matter what color rose you just so happened to be. "I'm not Yoko, so I'm not going to force you into action. She will." They both knew that. At the first sign of admission, Sachiko would be at Yumi's front door dressed to impress, and an expensive gift in hand. "If you want her lecturing you, at great length, might I just add, then speak with her. If you want a simple answer, then sit down and keep quiet."
The woman of obsidian tresses stopped and considered this. As if she had been told to sit upon a bench of spikes, she slowly and very meticulously perched upon the sofa, looking at the coffee cup placed before her fulled with warm tea. She had yet to drink it. The cream colored glass was chipped and old, the bottom had a stain from years gone by. In a way, it was very much Sei's personality, owning such outdated and abused items. She wasn't a woman of immaculate taste, rather, a come-what-may personality. Sei wasn't one to be trifled with, and while Sachiko wasn't exactly trusting of all Sei would have to offer in terms of advise, this was one matter the tall and often brazen girl, would see as important.
"Cut the crap." The crass, yet very real answer yanked Sachiko from her inward mind like a rusted chain would when pulling a saw. Happy in the startled reaction she received, Sei softened, only then. "Stop making a big deal out of it. It isn't any shocker, and honestly, most of us expected it already." She sipped her tea then, not really stalling for time, but merely playing the waiting game. She decided just once, she would gamble her bet, thinking that if Sachiko truly wished an answer, it was only right of her to do so. "You're so possessive over her, you might as well claim her already. Before someone else does."
"And just who, may I ask, would even dare try?" That could have sounded wrong. It likely would have been, had there been any spectators in the room. Sachiko had been provoked, just as Sei had planned, she pushed a raw nerve. The nerve was something of an interest now. Angry blue eyes more than merely ice. Sei wasn't normally so invested within others. She hadn't honestly been given a reason. Ever. Then, Yumi came along. The girl was a ray of light. Sachiko could bring Yumi happiness. There was only one clear answer.
"Yumi is a wonderful person. Anyone smart enough would take her." Yoko would want this, Sei knew that much. Sachiko was ready for the fight. Those blue eyes bubbled with anger, boiling just underneath the surface. "Think about it clearly. She has everything. An innocent heart full of warmth. A very telling, yet beautiful face. She's small and slender, but, she's almost boisterous, and very funny. Cute even, in the ways she acts." Sei spoke truth. Yumi was all of those things, and more. Oh so much more. It was then, Sei admitted the truth behind her own eyes. "If I thought for a moment that I'd be given half a chance, I would too. What I wouldn't give to have a girl such as Yumi at my side."
"You'll do no such thing." Spoken with an air of being proper, Sachiko was still a woman of her upbringing. She had to do well and remember that. "Speaking as if Yumi is an object is far worse than you can imagine. I will not stand for you talking of her in that way." She would have too, had she not also contradicted her own statement not a moment later. She was ever famous for that one simple flaw. "She's mine already." And once again, with such simple words, Sachiko fell into another trap. It was one not she stumbled into haphazardly, but, instead it was as if she had just been pushed down the rabbit hole.
"Your what?" The smirk Sei had was almost perverse. "Your seour?" Yes, of course she would beat that nail on the head. "You could never be lovers...not if that's how you think." She shrugged as if she didn't care, her voice filled with the harsh tease. Truthfully though, anyone who really knew Sei knew it was a front. It was always a front. "Sachiko..." Sei sighed then, growing serious. There was one thing Sei never spoke of, one topic she kept mostly inside. It was sensitive, but, in this case, Sachiko needed her. "The reason I hadn't taken her as a seour was because of the fact that I loved her." Shiori... It was still a painful topic. It was a wound that hadn't healed yet. "You must be equals. You simply can't do that when you play mother hen. Yumi deserves better than that."
Looking back, the memory is truly idiotic, now that I think about it.
At the time I had only smiled and nodded. I believed Sei's words. It was maddening. I found truth in what she had said. Lost, confused that I couldn't do anything to help myself, I ran inside my room. Like the fearful child I had inwardly aimed to be. Why I'm so weak I couldn't ever truly tell you. I don't even know myself. I had taken the role of of the injured party again. It is...let's call it being a spoiled brat. It is what it is. I know, I just find myself unable. If I can not be the woman I had been raised to be, than who am I? Surely not a woman that belongs in a family such as this one.
For the first time in my life, that night, I think I finally understood some of the pain Toko felt at her misgivings.
That night had continued onward with such provoking wordplay. It wasn't as if I hadn't known those things before hand. It had been helpful to hear them from another person, and, perhaps in a way, a fellow rival. I tossed and turned that night. It would be easy for the outside observer to speculate that I hadn't found solutions by daybreak. Was confessions of the heart really so easy? No, they wouldn't be. Still, I found myself mulling over a plethora of fears. A great many of them were likely unwarranted at the time. One particularly difficult fear still rings in my mind. Oh, how I agonized over the matter. Did Yumi love me? Yes, surely she did. The question then became, was it the same type of love? Sisterly love was one thing, but I knew my form of love was more than that. I just didn't know how far, how deep, it went.
"This is completely preposterous." That's what I had told myself that night. I chanted it. I don't wish to admit this outwardly. Never on a grand stage for all in earshot, but, I am a very insipid woman. I do not do the things others find amusing. Quiet games were the things I learned to love. My story books were something of an escape from reality. I was a sad child. Not emotionally, but the actual term. I was the cry for help, the one most mothers would scoff at. I just knew how to hide it better than most. Yumi wasn't like that, not because of her family, her reputation, her life in general. I would scold myself. "You know better than this." Thoughts poured forth like a river, a torrent I was unable to swim against. I dared not cry. I wish now, that I could have.
"What happened? What did you do, making me such a weak person." At the time, it was all I could think. Blame her, that was my reason. If I could blame her, perhaps I could pull forth anger from my unforgiving depression. "She saved you." Alas, I was unable to feel any negativity towards Yumi. "She does love you, even if it isn't the same way..." That's what I had thought. I wished for some sort of answer, yet I found none, so life went on for me. Days moved on into weeks, and my repression for my feelings became more and more apparent. Sei's advice often hammered in my head, I wished action upon my words. How wrong would it have been, after all. "Simply say the words." That answer was easy.
Baffling!
It would have been extremely difficult. I was the little girl in the corner hiding in the book nook, as I aged, part of that child remained. It was most unlucky for me that Yumi seemed to provoke that side of me. The prim and proper child who wished nothing more than rebellion. I can not count the number of times I wished to stomp my foot at a young age. I could not tally the marks for times I felt enraged. The moments of fearful hysterics seem unworthy for a pen on paper, and, albeit the fact I regret my grudges, I never let them go. I can't, though I try, I honestly do.
We, the red roses, are little more than stained glass. Imperfect, broken, and often needing to be placed back together. We need someone strong enough, emotionally unguarded enough, that they can save us from our self imposed doom. I know that it is my fault, but it is a failure I can not cure alone. I am an inward woman who can not help but hide traces of myself from the world. I needed someone, anyone, who can become the key that would unlock my cold heart. Insistingly and unwaveringly taking the chore upon herself, Yumi would become the theoretical glue splatter. Anyone can see what that girl does to me.
She would be the marks left after the problems mended back together. Without her, I'd shatter all over again. She has her flaws, but hers are displayed for the entire world, as if she has a medal upon her chest. She puffs it out, not exactly proudly, not always surely, but the fact the world sees them at all are the gifts she gives. She put me back together, but not without many flaws. A very overt, messy blemish that would make an artist cringe. I no longer wish to be so perfect, I no longer wanted so many laws. I wanted Yumi, needed Yumi. I still want her and need her by my side.
However, back then, I was not so accepting of my wishes. They did not spill forth freely from my mouth. Yumi knows how to deal with me, is very good at doing so. In fact, I think part of her already knew my unspoken confession. That was why. I believe she knew, and she wished for me freedom from my own prison. I built it up carefully, and with every single wall like that of glass, I'm positive most would wish it remain that way. Yumi though, I'm not so sure even she knows. Not even now. If she did, Yumi probably wouldn't care. She isn't the type to worry on matters like that, even if I am.
That truth was made very clear when she decided to corner me one afternoon.
Yumi's eyes were those of questioning sadness. She blamed herself, as always. She was younger, and thus, more fragile outwardly. "What did I do?" She was waiting to be punished. Fidgeting in one place was easier than looking down a path of unsteady ground. Words were not often used correctly. Not between the two of them.
"Yumi..." So often, the name came forth, without worry or recourse. This time though, it held so much more power. "Nothing." The smile was forced. "You've done nothing wrong, Yumi." It was soft, sweet, and melodic. It was also filled with deep remorse unseen. Only felt by those who understood.
"Yet, that's the entire problem, isn't it?" Her eyes went to the ground, as if she found her answer. She gazed at her shoes as if they could speak, offering her guidance she didn't have. Courage she would never own. "Even if it isn't my fault, I am the cause." She was insightful, often without meaning to be. "Am I not?"
"You are, but it is not you who is at fault. It is me." At least that was the truth. Sachiko would never lie, could never speak words untrue. Never, because it would hurt Yumi to do so. It wouldn't be wise to speak more, but then again, Sachiko wasn't ever as knowing as her elders. That had always been part of her problem. She was a rash person, who took unplanned action. "I do not have the words to explain properly." Even if she hated doing so.
"Then don't try." Communication and red roses never mixed well. Yumi had ways of understanding that unspoken, universally understood law. Every rose family had one issue they seemed to share in common. Those of the red roses spoke far better in the idle times. Without words, only feelings. Speaking seemed to impair judgment, like that of a drunk driver on an icy road.
Sachiko, out of habit, tightened the knot on Yumi's uniform. So many wrong things could be said, many more shouldn't be. Words eluded her. "I can't help myself any further." She began slowly. "I have words I could tell you, but I fear the context may become lost. So often we've fought over simple misunderstandings, but Yumi, I cannot fight this time. I cannot risk harmful words or barely understood phrases." She sighed, those brown eyes were questioning her. It troubled her greatly to have such uncertainty aimed at her. "I fear you may hate me if I fail to explain properly."
They loved each other. Sisterly or otherwise, Yumi needed her. There wasn't any room to debate that subject at all. Not even for a fraction of a second. Still, something toiled within their gaze. It was a shared confusion. This was new ground, and it wasn't something Sachiko could openly express. After silence became so hard neither would withstand, Yumi caved. "I'm afraid to ask." Deep pools of blue and brown were swimming in unspoken emotions. Things that were never said, topics most never knew. Yumi could see it, the wavering wall about to break. The storm that brewed past the calm, stony stare. "If you can't say it, c-could you possibly show me?" Yumi was always adventurism. That was another thing that Sachiko loved about the younger girl. Love... yes... she did feel that emotion rather strongly. When brown eyes fell to look upon the ground again, Sachiko knew she wouldn't be asked a second time.
It was now, or better off never. Reliving each and every day tense and fearful wouldn't quell anything. It wouldn't fix anything. But, saying words could easily provoke unwanted drama. Unneeded tears. She licked her lips. They were so dry. Her heart beat fast, and although she could act on emotions, she was unsure of what the outcome would be. Yumi, she was her petite seour. She would shatter that ground completely if she did this. Of that, Sachiko knew without any shadowed doubt. She lifted Yumi's face with her fingers, gently, slowly. Those brown eyes studied her and she felt unsure.
With her thumb, she traced those soft lips. They had formed into a very tight line, as if Yumi was slightly afraid. Her breathing was ragged, and somehow, Sachiko found herself following the pace. Those lips, she felt so unworthy. Those truthful eyes told her that Yumi did too. Both knew the implication of this, it wasn't as if Yumi was so dense, so childish she couldn't have figured it out. Just like that, Sachiko kissed her. It was simple in its own little way. A quick peck, soft, sweet. It happened so fast that neither of them could place it into memory. Still, Yumi figured out the unspoken phrase.
I was afraid when she didn't respond. She just looked at me for what seemed like eternity. Her mind looked like it was on overload and her face was actually blank. I've never, ever seen Yumi look like that, and I was sure I had done something awful. Totally and completely unforgivable. I was mentally kicking myself as I backed away, slowly at first, before becoming terrified, turning around, I was about to run. I never felt so hurt in my life. I thought she was going to reject me, I honestly, truly did.
I was wrong though.
She had grabbed my hand then, and I was forced into a stop. I fell backwards into her, and I could feel her arms wrap around me. I was in a bear hug. Now I couldn't run, not unless I threw her away. Her head came to rest upon my back, but I'm sure that was to keep me in one spot. Surely she would, it was so much like her, doing that as she had. She held tightly, and for a moment, I thought I could hear her saying something. She didn't say it again, and I found myself even deeper down the rabbit hole. She turned me around, forcing me to look at her, but that lasted not even a moment as she flung herself at me again, her arms around me. I was actually glad no one was around to see this display, it was rather overt. We would have been outed instantly. This hug was vastly different from all the rest, at least, it had been in my mind.
Even now, to this day, she knows. I'm sure she does. The types of feelings I have for her are unlike normal girls. I love her, need her. She needs me too. Loves me too. I watch her now, and the rose family. Everyone is here, everyone is home. Sei's hanging all over her, and of course, this is angering me, but I know the real truth. Sei has lost, but, Sei knew she would when she provoked me. I cannot call myself a lesbian, though the idea came across my mind on several occasions. I don't like titles, I hate segregation and definitions. I know what I am, I just don't shout it for the world.
I'm in love with Yumi...and...she is in love with me.
"Yumi?" I say, calling her name. She looks my way, still trying to pry Sei off of her. "Don't give her the satisfaction." I used to say such things all the time. Part of me feels happy to continue to do so. Even if I would much rather have Yumi at my side. I can't stop her from having a good time. Besides that, I know in my heart, Sei is not a threat. She would never hurt Yumi, and, she would never hurt me either. That's why I know someplace, deep in my heart, that Sei would never come between us.
"Y-Yes Onee-sama." I hear her reply quickly. I am not sure why she says that when we are in a large group. I guess I haven't gotten her to snap out of it yet. You know, it is rather amusing. First, I had a hard time getting her to address me formally. Now, I find difficulty in getting her to revert back.
"Yumi?" Old habits die hard I guess. I raise an eyebrow as I call her again. So, we need to play this game again do we? Makes me relive the happiest years of my life, and it allows me to look into the future. I don't mind. No, not in the least. Right now, Sei is still provoking her. If I were her I'd just...hmm, now that is a thought.
"Yes, Sachiko?" I smile, that's what I wanted. We are no longer merely sisters after all. She has Sei's hand twisted, she's trying to break out of the cling. It isn't working. Amusing though it may be, Sei needs to harass someone else. Everyone else is here too, so why does it need to be Yumi? Perhaps I should impart Yumi with some advise.
"Backhand her if she's annoying you." Sei jumped out of the way after I said that. At least the tall blond has some level of brain mass. I thought she would want to be hit. Yumi wouldn't really do it anyway, she's too sweet for that.
"I wouldn't ever do that." See? She's so sincere. Wouldn't hurt a fly, much less one of her long time friends.
"No, you wouldn't." I admit that outwardly. "But, no one said I would be as kind as you." I would have taken a swat at Sei, I wasn't kidding.
Every night we possibly can, we stay as a family. Yumi and I are more than that. We are lovers. We share a bed, the sheets, a pillow. Her hands touch mine, her lips say my name, she kisses me innocently. We don't say the word love, purely because we already know. We, those of the red rose family, are notorious for having communication issues, and so, sometimes it is best not saying a word. Our actions, that says it all. Today, a day in the villa, I watch onward. Yes, this is what I wanted, this is my family. I've always had such a thing, it has never been lost, only just found. As much as I'd like to hit Sei right now, for all she does, I also want to hug her, thank her. But I never will, because Sei knows.
She's simple like that.
Simple is good.
At least for now.
Wait until my family finds out.
I'm positive that won't turn out well.
But, I guess only time will tell.
-More will come later.-
I hope you liked this. See you in the next chapter, whenever that may be.
