Chapter 36
Buffy took deep breaths and told herself what she was experiencing were false contractions. She wasn't going to tell Angel about the spasms passing through her back and around to her belly button; he didn't need to worry that she was going to go into labor. Wrapping a towel around herself, she stepped from the bathroom into the bedroom. Angel was sitting on the bed, having already showered, and was tying his shoes. He smiled at her as he looked up.
"You look beautiful."
She laughed, trying to fight through the discomfort plaguing her. Hiding her wince as she turned around, she went to the dresser and pulled out track pants and a t-shirt. The heat wave that had plagued L.A. the past few months had yet to break. It was August now and the heat seemed to be worse than ever. She silently thanked the heavens above for air conditioning.
Angel had explained why he had been late the night before. They had discussed the implications of the situation and decided that it would be best to keep the information secret. It was unnecessary to broadcast that Angel had a son and was searching for the people that had murdered aforementioned sons' adopted family. Genero's disappearance would be kept quiet; they didn't want any other members of the conspiracy to know they were in danger. It was better to keep the conspirators guessing.
Buffy sat next to Angel, her pants below her belly and her t-shirt riding up over it. She laughed as she put her hands on her bare skin. Her unborn child was kicking fiercely. Buffy figured the spasms she was feeling were probably squishing her baby a little.
"He's kicking a lot."
Breathing deeply, Angel pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head. "Only four more weeks."
Trying to hide her nervous laugh, she cleared her throat. "Yeah. Four weeks and we'll have a baby. I'm going to be a mom in less than a month." Looking at Angel, she bit her lip. "Am I going to be good at it?"
The surprise must have been evident on his face because she laughed a little. "You are going to be the best mom, Buffy. You are a wonderful, caring woman. I can't wait to see you hold our baby for the first time. You're going to be great."
"I'm nervous. I don't know anything about babies. I can't change one or bathe one. I mean, what if I screw up? What if I mess this baby up?"
"What's the worse that can happen? You put the diaper on backwards? Buffy, I'll be here. You won't be alone with our child. I mean, I know I'm rusty, but I think I can remember how to how to bathe and change and feed a baby. I'll help you. And you can help me. Your maternal instincts will take over and you'll know what to do. Even if we screw up a little, we'll know what to do different with the next one."
Her eyes looked ready to pop out of her head. "Next one? Angel, you're nuts. If you think I'm doing this," she motioned to her belly, "again, you're nuts. This has been really hard. And…well the labor part of it really scares me. I've heard a lot of horror stories. And I've been reading these books and there is some really scary stuff that goes on. I don't think I can do this again."
"You don't have to." He tried not to let the disappointment he felt show. He hadn't told anyone, but his secret desire was to have a few more children with Buffy. He longed for the family he had never been a part of. His heart ached a little for just a moment until he stuffed that secret desire deep inside of him with a hundred others.
Buffy looked at his face and saw the instant of pain that flashed there. It was gone as quickly as it was there, but he had felt something intense for a moment. "What? What's wrong, Angel?"
"Nothing. I just worry about you. I'm scared for the labor too. I think you'll be okay, we'll have the best doctors, but I know a lot can go wrong. I saw a lot of awful things the first time I was human."
A nervous look came to her face. "I hope we've gotten better at taking care of pregnant women since then. I mean…" She stopped and held her stomach as her baby gave her a series of kicks that she was certain would send most vampires flying.
Angel saw her discomfort and immediately put his hand on her stomach. "Buffy are you okay? I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you. Are you all right?"
Taking a deep breath, she rubbed circles on her skin. "I'm okay. It wasn't you, Angel. The baby's kicking. Hard. I think he's been taking lessons or something."
"You're okay, though? Nothing's wrong?"
"I would tell you if there was." Guilt ebbed at her for a moment but she pushed it away. False contractions were nothing to be worried about, she thought, and Angel didn't need the added stress. Another thought plagued her conscious, though. "Angel…are we always…I mean, will we ever, um…well, will we always be just dating?" Looking at him cautiously, she waited with bated breath for his answer.
"You mean you want to get married." He had known this conversation was a long time coming. Angel was well aware that Buffy wouldn't want to be his common law wife or the mother of his illegitimate children. Smiling reassuringly, he kissed her long and hard before answering.
"I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want our children to be mine, legitimately. I thought you would want to wait until after the baby was born to get married. I mean, I don't know what you want, but…" He was cut off by her lips on his.
It was a few seconds before he had a moment to take a much needed breath. "Okay. I guess you like that idea."
"Angel, I want a real wedding. I mean, I know it's stupid for me to wear white." She indicated her stomach again, "but lots of women do it, right? I want flowers and a dress and everything. Everything."
"You'll have everything you want, I promise. I'll fly in half of Holland if you want, we'll have flowers from here to Santa Monica. It will be beautiful."
Reluctantly pulling herself from his embrace, she stood and stretched. "I can't wait to have this baby here already. I feel like I swallowed a Volkswagen. After I have the baby and we all get settled in, we can get married and we'll the perfect little family. Complete with a step-son the same age as my sister and a lot of demons, of course, but still the perfect family."
"The perfect family for us, Buffy. Neither of us could do white picket fences and PTA meetings."
"I'll go to PTA meetings." She looked a little offended. "I want to. I mean, I want to do everything a mom does. I want to buy a minivan and drive a dozen kids to soccer practice. Or hockey practice, or whatever. I want to bake cookies and cupcakes and make valentines for the whole class. We'll make papier-mâché planets for science projects and you can help with history homework. I want to have a family. A real family."
Nodding slowly, he looked at her as she completed a series of stretches she had been doing every morning. Trying to fight back the waves of fear he felt, he swallowed hard before responding to her. "Are you sure I'm the right person for this job?" His voice was slow and soft, and he watched her stop her movements and turn towards him.
"Angel, what does that mean? Do you think you won't be a good dad?"
"Maybe not the kind you're describing. I don't know if I can do all that stuff. I don't think I'll be good at it. What if I turn our kid into an emotionally stunted, socially awkward fighting machine? I don't think I'll be very good at parent-teacher conferences and helping with homework."
Crossing her arms over her chest, she pursed her lips and stared at him. "It's a little late for second thoughts, you know. We could have thought about that about nine months ago. Angel, you'll be a great dad. You're caring, supportive," she sat next to him, "you're funny when you're not brooding. You'll be great."
"I hope you're right."
"I'm always right."
He smiled at that. Raising from the bed they walked hand in hand downstairs. Turing his head, Angel caught a glimpse of his son in the living room. Connor was sitting on the couch, his arms wrapped around his knees, which were against his chest. He was staring at an infomercial, obviously not really watching. His eyes looked very far away.
"Connor? Are you okay?" Angel, concerned, approached his son and knelt in front of him. "Connor?"
It took a moment for the younger man to focus his eyes on his father. "What? I'm fine, Angel." His voice seemed very far away.
Touching his sons' shoulders gently, he pulled Connor from the couch by his elbow. Guiding his son towards the kitchen, he pointed the young man to a chair and watched him sit. Angel tried to keep his emotions in check, but watching his son hurt so deeply was devastating.
Helping Buffy with breakfast, Angel put eggs and bacon in front of Connor. Buffy was ravenous in the mornings, and spoke little as she ate. Angel pushed the food around his own plate as he watched Connor periodically stab at his eggs.
"Connor, eat something."
"No." Not bothering to look up at the people he was seated next to, he continued to stab his eggs and crush his bacon into little pieces. "When are you going into the office?"
"Soon. After breakfast."
"I'm coming too."
Angel stopped pushing his food around and looked straight at Connor. "Why?" Angel knew the reason, but he wanted to hear it from Connor's mouth.
"I want to be a part of this investigation. I can't just sit here all day and think about what you guys are doing. I have to be there too." His anger rose as he raised his eyes to meet Angels'. "They were my parents, damn it! They were my fucking parents and my sisters and I want to be there to find their killers!" Having exhausted his short burst of energy, he slumped back in his chair and stared at his eggs again.
Buffy had been quietly sitting, watching Connor and Angel interact. "I think that's a great idea." She saw Angel's curious glance, but continued anyway. "You need to be active in this. It's the only way you'll heal. Sitting on the couch staring at the wall and thinking all day won't help you. Finding the people that did this and killing them will." She rose slowly, taking her plate to the sink with her.
"I agree that you need to be involved. Eat something, I won't have you passing out in the office. We'll leave after you get cleaned up."
Connor nodded, knowing that he looked pretty awful. He hadn't shaved in a week, there were black bags under his eyes and he had lost weight. His skinny frame looked almost anorexic now. He forced himself to eat almost half of what was in front of him and rose to go upstairs and shower.
Angel watched his oldest son leave the table and put his chin on his fists, his elbows resting on the table. He had so much to do and very little time to do it. Closing his eyes briefly, an image of Cordy flashed through his mind. He had very little communication with his seer over the past two months. They had met briefly a few times in restaurants or bars, but Angel longed for more time with his friend.
He missed their heart-to-hearts and the nights when they would watch old movies together and laugh. He missed talking with her, knowing that he wasn't going to be judged or ridiculed. She would rib him gently or tease him, but it was always good natured. They had grown so much together and experienced so much together in such a short period of time, he missed her when they weren't together.
No one knew of her existence. All their friends were still under the impression that she was dead and buried. Cordy had asked Angel not to tell anyone, but he knew they couldn't continue having clandestine meetings and funneling money into her bank account without someone noticing.
Her hair was still black, shoulder length and choppy and she was leaner than ever. He had fought with her a few times and she was as ruthless and powerful as he remembered her being. In fact, he reflected, she was better than ever; she had obviously put a lot of time and effort into perfecting her skills.
Will was suspicious, Angel knew. If the other former vampire didn't know Cordy was alive, he would soon. Nothing got by Will these days. Including Dawn, Angel thought. She had bypassed his friend's defenses fairly easily, it seemed. The young woman had kept her head down, made herself a vital part of the company in the past few months, but still remained unimportant enough that a few unexplained absences were never thoroughly questioned. Even when she and the vice president disappeared at the same times.
Will knew that Angel knew of the relationship, but thankfully no one else had found out. There would hell to pay if Buffy found out her baby sister was sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. Angel had hoped that the relationship would fizzle and burn out, but they seemed to be even more intense lately. Will had been leaving work at almost normal hours three days a week to meet Dawn for dinner or drinks.
Opening his eyes, he looked at Buffy, who was in the living room going through a few tai-chi exercises he had shown her. She was beautiful, he though. Perfect in every way that mattered to him. Looking towards the stairwell, he watched a shaved and showered Connor descend into the living room.
Nodding his approval to his son, he rose to kiss his wife-to-be goodbye. Reminding her that they would probably be late getting home, he walked with his son outside to the car.
It was going to be an interesting day.
