Yay! Second chapter! I don't know quite what we were thinking when we wrote this... Well, actually, Olivia was thinking of all the nasty and violent ways we could kill off Gilette, but that's not really the point. Please note that all character-bashing and head-eating is all in good fun and we love them as much as you do (EXCEEEEPT GILEEEEEETTE), so don't go and flame me about it. Other than that... Yeah. Read on, d00d, read on.


Jack sat down, obviously quite uncomfortable. Seo Feng had invited the group for coffee and muffins in his palace made of cheese. Yes, the walls were cheddar and the roof, limburger. It smelled horrible. (Didn't Jones ask for an air freshener last chapter? Typical squidheads; always disappearing when you need them.) Well, anyway, he had to rebuild it with something since Jack and his gang had trashed it last time. Come on, building supplies were expensive nowadays! Anyway, Will had never had coffee before and well… Let's just say it had different effects on different people. In this case, song. Will kept bursting out into song. "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! There's always tomorrow! It's only a day awaaaaaaaaay!" His voice cracked, and Elizabeth discreetly tried to dig her eardrums out with her pinky. (let it be known that even though Will was handsome, noble, and dashing (usually) he did not have the greatest singing voice. Jack lied. Oh, and he wasn't a soprano. He was clearly a tenor- a really bad tenor. And we shall leave it at that.)

She looked at him strangely and asked herself aloud, "Why did I marry him again? Gosh, I could have had a dashing, infamous pirate or a wealthy and loyal commodore, but nooooooooo. I had to pick the blacksmith." Feng and Jack just looked at each other, a comically questioning look on their faces.

"So anyway," began Feng. "Sorry about that… Well, you know."

"The what?"

"You know, the thing about the llama and the pancake and the anvil?"

"Oh yes. We shall not speak of that."

Will began singing again. "Whyyyy not? Why not? Take a crazy chaaaaance!" Elizabeth had had it up to here with Will.

"Dear. My sweet love, will you please SHUT THE HECK UP?" Will pouted.

"So much for my happy ending… Whaohoh. Whaohoh."

"Will?"

"I'M A GOOFY GOOBER! ROCK!"

Barbossa, who has had no important role in this story whatsoever until now, picked Will up and casually tossed him out the window. His voice could be heard trailing in the air. "I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly! I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky. I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway!" There was a sploosh as he hit the water and they could still hear him singing, between gasps of air. "Help, I need somebody! Help, not just anybody! Help, you know I need someone! HELP!"

After a pause, they could also hear Gilette's voice outside the palace. "Hey, bub. What're you in for?" Of course, no one likes him. So we don't care.

Barbossa, who will have no further use in this story, was swept up in the pouring mass of Will fangirls and carried to their torture headquarters. The Turkish prison. Who would've guessed? After that… Well, let's not go into that. Jack raised a finger. "That was odd. Just like that time Aunt Phyllis glued that hamster to her-"

"What?" Seo Feng looked up, about to stuff half a dozen éclairs into his face.

"My Aunt Phyllis?"

"No, after that."

"A hamster?"

"HAMSTER!" Will took this moment to burst in the door.

"The boys are back in tooooooown!" Now Elizabeth broke into song as well.

"So, shut up, shut up, shut up, don't want to hear it. Oh, god, it's spreading! It's spreading like wildfire! Help me!"

"Help, I need somebody! Help, not just anybody! Help, you know I need someone! HELP!"

"You already sang that song!" (At this point, Elizabeth was saying things that should not be repeated and were quite unladylike.)

Jack, being himself, was completely unruffled by this little outburst. "Yes, a hamster. It's in the rodent family. Now, I happen to prefer chinchillas myself, but… Erm, what's he doing?"

Jack glanced over at Seo Feng, whose eyes had begun to glow a rather unflattering shade of puce. "HAAAAAM-STEEEEEER…" he growled. He then attempted to eat the table, which was… odd.

Will popped up beside him. "Aww, does someone need a hug?" He attempted to wrap his arms around Feng. "I love you, you love me, we're one happy family, with a great big hug an-" This cheerful little outburst was quickly interrupted by Seo Feng craning his neck over and swallowing Will's head.

"Cool," said Elizabeth. You could hear a faint voice coming from his stomach. It was singing the Hamster Dance song. Seo Feng had already eaten Will's head and so there was nothing he could do about it. Except maybe implode, but he couldn't, because we still need him.

Gibbs popped up, apparently out of Jack's suitcase. "Arrgh, it be frightful bad luck to swallow a blacksmith's head on the third Monday in August if ye've just eaten éclairs and live in a house made of cheese."

Seo Feng began to charge toward the suitcase, with a battle cry that sounded like "STEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEN!"

"Who's Steven?" Jack asked, completely oblivious to the fact that a hamster-hating, head-eating, puce-glowing madman was charging towards his lovely suitcase (Which had assorted vegetable stickers on it).

Luckily, Gibbs popped back into the suitcase just in time, and Seo Feng got a very nasty bump.

"Dude, what IS it with you and hamsters?" Jack (who was probably drunk, and still completely oblivious) asked.

Seo Feng turned towards him, snarling and drooling. Elizabeth handed him a hankie. "HAMSTER! HAAAAAAAAAMMMMMSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTEEEEEERRRRRR!"

Jack's head was being digested in less than five seconds flat. Seo Feng then proceeded to smash through the wall of cheese and into the ocean, where Gilette was still floating.

"Hey-hey, you a disliked minor character too? Yup, I remember my first day at the job. Good times… lots of hamsters."

"HAAAAAMMSTEEEEEER!"

Gilette was never heard from again. Ha-ha. Seo Feng, on the other hand, did make it back alive; however, he had to eat Tums for a month and join Weight Watchers. Hey, not only do heads give you indigestion, they're really, really fattening! (especially Will's. He's a fathead.) After he had finally gotten back into shape, the fangirls came and ate his head. Fangirls don't like it when you eat their "beloved's" head (Especially the rabid ones. They can give you nasty diseases, anyways.) and it was only right that he receive a fitting punishment. Ow.

Elizabeth, being the only sane, alive, and important character present, proceeded to throw herself a dance party. Cucumbers abounded.

And the moral of the story is: never trust a hamster-hating, head-eating, puce-glowing Chinese pirate that lives in a house of cheese…… They WILL eat your head.

"So long, farewell, until we meet a-GAIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

"I hate you."


That was... random. As it should be. Amen. All reviews appreciated!