"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me!"

The panda detective winced at the off key notes as he sipped his cup of sugar cubes and coffee.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me!"

L was losing his patience quickly as he watched Light's failed dance moves on their bed.

"Don't cha! Don't cha!"

Light bounced on the bed, his usually neat and ironed shirt rolled up into a form of a swimsuit bra. He tumbled and jumped, holding his prized golden hairbrush to his lips while screeching the song playing loudly from his portable boom box.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me! Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me!"

No longer being able to handle the horror, the detective flung his fork at the dancing teen, hitting him in the leg.

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!" the teen yelled, tears rapidly rolling down his cheeks. "WAAAAAAH! DADDY!" he screamed again. L face palmed himself, regretting his decision immediately. He rubbed his temples. Why him, out of all the possible people in the world, have to deal with this? "Would Light-kun kindly SHUT THE H*LL UP!" he shouted at the hysterical teen. His raised voice only made the boy screech louder. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDIIIIIEEE!"

Soichiro Yagami karate kicked the door down and landed in a ninjatastic position. "What happened to my son!" he asked L frantically. He rushed over to his boy's side, placing him on his lap and comforting him. The teen cooed and giggled joyfully, happy to be in his old man's arms. "Ryuzaki! I demand an explanation!" he shouted at the detective, "What on earth happened to my son! Didn't he take his medication for his angst, rebellion, and odd crazed laughter?"

L bit his thumb. "Medication? Yagami-san, I doubt he needs medication. This sort of behavior is typical for boys his age," he said as a matter of factly."Why, when I was 18, I used to cackle evilly myself, it's perfectly normal."

Light cuddled into his father's arms, a bit of saliva drooling from his open mouth. Soichiro winced at the stain on his jacket. "So uhh….then what happened to my son?" he asked reluctantly.

L stared wide eyed at the old man, a grin slowly creeping up his face. "He has…..Crack-gasm."

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

"Crack….gasm?" Soichiro repeated, looking confusedly at the detective.

"Yes, crack-gasm," L explained in his monotone voice, "Crack-gasm is a serious condition when the brain explodes, usually caused by fan fiction writers, forming some sort of mental personality retardation illness. In most cases, it usually occurs when someone happens to be in a very badly written fan fiction."

Soichiro immediately fell out of his chair, staring horrifically at the detective. "You mean my son….he's turned into…..into….. A MATSUDA!" He gasped. L nodded, looking directly at the old man. "Yes, you're son has become a Matsuda," he said seriously as Light was busy gnawing on a bedpost. "Mayonnaise…." The teen muttered, his teeth still clamped onto the wooden post.

Soichiro clutched his chest. "NO! This cannot be!" And of course, the news was too much for his poor old heart to handle that he fainted on the spot. L stared disappointedly at the old man's body. "How lovely… Watari! Get in here! We've got another one to dispose!" Watari jumped out of the closet, used his super special British vacuum to suck up Mr. Yagami's body, magically disposed of it with a snap of a finger, then backed out slowly back into his closet.

"Now what to do with Light-kun…." L used his panda senses to devise a way to keep Light under control. Unfortunately, the author of this fan fiction was far too lazy to come up with some super special awesome plan for the detective, so let's just say he had a block from the lack of sugar.

Yes, L had not had any sweets today. There was a city wide cockroach infestation and the little bugs carried the sugary pastries back to the lair of their overlord cockroach of doom. L, losing about 60 percent of his thinking ability and 57.67894 percent of his patience, just tried to pry the boy's jaws of the wooden bedpost, only to have his hand crunched by the teen.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" he yelled, trying to shake Light off his hand. The teen genius only clamped down harder, a cracking sound came from L's arm. "LIGHT! RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT! I WILL CALL WATARI TO SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD! I WILL CALL THE POLICE TO TASER YOU! I WILL CALL THE ARMY TO BLOW YOU UP! AND WORSE OF ALL, I WILL CALL MISA TO EAT YOU! OWWWWWWWW!" Light ignored the detective's threats and string of curses, biting down harder with his teeth each second.

Matsuda then came into the room, grinning goofily. "Hey Ryuzaki, I've got a package for you!" he exclaimed excitedly, taking no notice of the situation in front of him. L sent a death glare his way. "YOU IDIOT! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME! GET LIGHT OFF ME OR I'LL DESTROY HANNAH MONTANA!"

Matsuda dropped the box he held, his eyes wide in horror. "NOT HANNAH MONTANA!" he screamed, immediately rushing to Light. He grabbed hold of the boy's tight jaws, trying to unhinge them. Light let go of L's hand, to the detective's relief, but bit Matsuda's instead.

"!" Matsuda shrieked. His high pitched girly scream echoed through the Headquarters.

"Hey Mogi, did you hear that?" Aizawa poked his head behind the couch. Mogi grunted once, which in Mogi language, meant "yes". "Should we be worried?" Aizawa asked again. Grunt, grunt, snort, grunt, snort, snort. "Yeah you're right Mogi, probably Misa PMSing again." Grunt, snort, grunt, grunt, came from Mogi. "What's that Mogi? Little Timmy fell down the well again?" Mogi grunted once. "Wow, we should go save him! To the well Mogi!"

Meanwhile, L was observing as Matsuda was being eaten alive by Light. "RYUZAKI HELP ME!" he pleaded frantically. "Woah, woah, woah, NO way am I going through that again. You're on your own Matsuda!" L told him. He rushed to the door, sprinting the heck outta there before Light had the chance to attack him again. "SPARTA! SPAAAAAAAARTAAAAA! KYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"RYUZAKI COME BACK!" Matsuda cried, but L was long gone. Light bit harder on the officer's hand. "Mmmm….ledduce ad debet plubber….." he muttered, which in idiot language, it probably meant "lettuce and peanut butter" or something. "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Matsuda yelped in pain, "SOMEONE! FOR THE LOVE OF MILEY CYRUS, HELP ME!"

Misa, with an incredibly odd sense of timing, happened to show up in the room. "Matsu-kun!" she squeaked, which caused L's glass cup of coffee and the many windows of the room to explode and disintegrate. "WHAT IS MATSU DOING TO MISA-MISA'S LIGHT-KUN!" She pimp slapped the poor officer right across the face so hard that he flew across the room and hit the wall. As soon as Matsuda left an imprint of his body in the cracks of the wall, the power of the slap forced Light to let go of Matsuda's hand and fly out the open window.

"LIGHT-KUN!" Misa shouted out the window. Matsuda, already suffering enough, had to cover his ears so his brain wouldn't explode.

We all can't say he has much of a brain….

Anyways after falling out the window, Light managed to save himself because his underwear got caught on a ledge of a window. And also to his luck, it happened to be the window to L's room. Unfortunately for Light, being extremely heavy because of his age, had to suffer from a giant wedgie as he dangled from the 30 story window. He started wailing to the whole city below him.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT HUUUUUUUUUURTS! SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEE!"

L sat up straight (le gasp!) peering at the window. "Odd….." he said to himself, "Why would I… place a flower pot on a window? How stupid, it could fall on someone!" He hit himself in the head stupidly, and relocated the flower pot to the coffee table. Light spotted L at that moment. "RYUUUUUZAAAAAAKIIIII! HEEEEEEEELP!" he wailed louder this time. This time, L looked out the window, extremely surprised by what he saw. "LIGHT-KUN!" he spurted out, leaning his head further out the window. Light was never so happy to see the detective in his whole life. "L!" he cried out in joy.

"OH MAH GOD! LIGHT-KUN!"

"RYUZAKI!"

"You have a wedgie!" he stated the obvious, laughing idiotically. "Never thought I'd see that," he turned and walked back to his desk.

"RYUZAKI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! HELP ME!" And then there was a tearing sound. The seams of Light's cheap underwear were quickly ripping up. "OH MY ME, RYUZAKI I'M GONNA FALL!" Sadly, the detective ignored the teen's cries. "Hmmm, it probably would be better for the flower if I placed it near the window for some fresh air," the detective muttered to himself. And with that, he placed the flowerpot back on the window sill.

Light was still dangling, his underwear three-quarters of the way ripped. "RYUZAKI HELP ME THIS INSTANT! OR I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE DEATH NOTE!" He paused. "If….I had….one…because there is no way a magical killing death god notebook could exi- AHHHHHHHHH!" Light fell, screaming barbarically as gravity pulled him down from thirty stories.

Meanwhile, Mogi and Aizawa had just finished saving little Timmy from the well. "Now Timmy," Aizawa lectured, "Be careful of wells, they like to eat little boys like you." Timmy gave a nod, and a thanks, and made his way to another well nearby (wow, kids can't learn these days) skipping happily.

Suddenly the flowerpot from L's window somehow found its way to fall 30 stories from the building and onto Timmy's head.

"OWWWWWWW!" he cried out in pain, rubbing his head where the pot hit him, "Stupid flowerpot. Good thing that didn't kill m"- SPLAT! Light fell on the tiny little boy. "Huh, soft landing," he said as he brushed off the dirt from his pants. Great, just what he needed. His clothes were tattered, his underwear ripped, his teeth ached, , there was a crushed dead body on the floor, his shoes were muddy, his hair was filthy and mat- A CRUSHED DEAD BODY ON THE FLOOR?

Light panicked. Oh me, oh me, oh me, I killed a little bo- Wait a minute! I'm Kira! I kill lots of people! He smiled goofily and hit himself in the head. Duh! I don't need to care about this little kid! He walked away, cackling his Kira laugh to himself.

Seemingly out of now where, L popped in front of him. "AHA!" he yelled while pointing a finger at Light, "YOU ARE KIRA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I KNEW IT!" L did a little victory dance on the sidewalk, laughing maniacally into the sky. Light stared at the detective, his mouth agape. "HOW DO YOU KNOW!" L put a pause on his victory dance, looking seriously at the startled teen. "Because Light-kun…..." he inched closer to Light's ear, whispering, "I…am…YOUR FATHER!" L resumed his psycho laugh, this time, at a bunch of random strangers walking by. "YES! I AM YOUR FATHER! I AM YOUR DADDY! I AM YO MAMA'S DADDY!"

Light, completely clueless at this point, just backed away slowly from the psychotic detective. Okay, everyone has gone insane, he thought to himself.

"LIGHT-KUN!" the familiar voice made his brain hurt. Light was suddenly tackled to the floor by a repulsive, one inch skirt wearing, pancake faced whore. "LIGHT-KUN! WE SHOULD TOTALLY GO ON A DATE!" Misa squealed as many people around her yelped in pain and fell to the floor, covering their ears from her high-pitched tone. Light had his eardrum shattered as well.

"Misa…" he snarled from under her pink laced lingerie and black miniskirt. He smacked the skank across her overly-decorated-with-glitter-and-magical-sparkles face, sending her flying inside a garbage truck. Thank goodness she's gone. Why didn't I do that months ago? Light then returned to the Headquarters, surprised to see the detective back in his chair, eating cake.

'Odd…thought he would still be out there. Oh well, he's L, he can do anything.'

"Ryuzaki! I forgot! This package was for you!" Matsuda announced, carrying the rather large box in his hands which he had dropped earlier. L spun his chair around to face the goofy officer. "Ah yes, thank you Matsuda-san. And for being a good boy, you can sleep inside tonight." Matsuda mouthed "Yes!" and skipped off to raid the fridge for some lemons and jellybeans.

L shook the package in his hands, but it seems whatever the box had contained was probably wrapped in 50 pounds of bubble wrap since it didn't make a single noise. "I wonder what's in there….." he asked himself as he opened the box.

Suddenly, a flash of red light and the sound of a warping vortex came from the box. The detective dropped the package, mouth agape at the sight of the spiraling portal. A figure came out of the mass of spinning light (no name pun intended) and sparkles.

"Hello cast of Death Note! I am the creator!" the figure cackled.

Light's eyes went wide. "God! Is that you?" he gasped. The figure smacked the teen with a purple fish. "I am the creator of this fanfic silly!" the person continued, "I am here to descend a curse upon all of you!" Outside, the sky turned gray as flashes of lightning and strong rain pounded against the building. "Yes!" the creator continued eerily, "You will all be cursed! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Then the figure disappeared with a puff of magical sparkling smoke.

Light stared at the empty space where the person stood earlier. "She whacked me with a purple fish!" he exclaimed.

"I'm just surprised this story is actually going to have a plot," L added.

"I'm pretty sure the fanfic's gonna end soon."

"That seems most likely."

"Yeah…..hey wanna go lick a tree?"

"Let's do it."


Yay new chappie! I've tried my best, I really did! This was a random chapter, kinda popped into my head.

I've deprived Mello of his chocolate! :D

Reviews = Chocolate for Mello! :D

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Death Note (Oh the pain...) and I do not own the song Dont'cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me