Arsonist's Lullaby

When I was a child, I heard voices

Some would sing and some would scream

You soon find you have few choices

I learned the voices died with me…

I saw my father, and my mother. I heard my father yelling, throwing things. I felt my mother stroking my hair, heard her low voice humming that same tune, the one she sang until her last day. Then I heard the growls, the groans, the screams, the tearing flesh. Through it all, that singing lasted. Then I felt teeth and fingernails closing in on my skin, the humming and the yelling never stopping until everything goes black. Then there's an eerie darkness and a heavy silence, nearly suffocating. The voices are silent.

When I was a child, I'd sit for hours

Staring into open flame

Something in it had a power.

Could barely tear my eyes away.

I lurch awake suddenly, in my 'bed'; actually a couch in the in the Grimes' house in Alexandria. My throat is sore, and I hope that I didn't scream and wake up baby Judith. I push myself into a sitting position and pull on my black boots and tug on my jacket. I open the front door almost silently and slip out the frigid air biting at my skin.

I follow the road to the main guard tower and stop at the bonfire at the foot of the tower. I stand close to the flames, my eyes locked on the dancing red and gold. There's a power in the light it gives off, in the way it dances and crackles. The smoke is thick and heavy, drifting up to join the black clouds obscuring the stars.

I hear footsteps behind me, grating on the gravel walkway. I know I should look up, probably have a weapon somewhere near my hand, but I can't take my eyes from the flames.

All you have is your fire

And the place you need to reach.

Don't you ever tame your demons,

But always keep them on a leash.

"Hey."

I finally manage to look away from the fire and meet the gaze of my approacher.

"Carl." I give him a small smile, then turn back to the fire.

"You okay?" He asks.

I nod. "Did I wake you up?"

"I was already up. I just heard the door open and came to make sure nothing was wrong." His voice is husky with sleep.

"Everything's fine, don't worry." I say, not looking back at him.

He takes a step closer, the back of his hand brushing mine. "Nightmares?" He asks quietly.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before nodding almost imperceptibly.

Carl's fingers gently weave between mine, slowly and hesitantly.

I push past the instinctual tensing of muscles and subconscious analysis of how to break his arm and disable him.

I didn't used to think like that.

I squeeze his hand, his wide palm warm against mine, narrow and stiff cold.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks carefully.

My automatic answer is no, but then I realize he deserves to know.

"Yeah, uh, it was my- it was my parents- and-" My voice breaks.

He moves then, his arm sliding around my waist and pulling me against him. My hands are between my chest and his. I rest my forehead against his shoulder. I feel him rest his cheek atop my head.

"It's gonna be alright." His grip on me tightens. "I'm not going to let anything hurt you."

A growl echoes from outside the wall, and I hear an undead fist slam into the metal. Carl shifts the slightest bit, so his back is to the wall.

I know I can't rely on him though.

I go back to that instinct telling me how I could have incapacitated him in a fraction of a minute.

The demons inside me will never be tamed. But at least I've got them on a leash.

For now.