EPOV of Chapter 1. Originally submitted as part of the Fandom for Mental Health package.

As always, love and thanks to my team. Sri and Nic read this first, Iris made it readable.


It wasn't easy to get her number. She's not listed in the phone book, and I had to be careful who I asked. Jake probably had it—he's got everyone's number—but there was no fucking way I was asking him. I'm sure he'd bring it up around Tanya, and I don't need that.

I don't need Tanya, either, but that's a different story. Somehow, it seems so hard to break up with her. I don't want her to be sad, or, even worse, mad, but I don't really want to be with her anymore.

I shouldn't be thinking about Tan while I'm trying to muster up the courage to call Bella. I've been watching her for a while. I don't even know if she knew I existed until recently. I managed to sit beside her in the caf while everyone was playing that stupid knee game. Jess is always doing it to me. I think she's hoping I reciprocate, but there's no fucking way. She scares me.

But when I did it to Bella, she just got this look. I didn't get it until she did it to me. I think I know what that look was. I'm pretty sure that's the day she noticed me.

I'd been holding onto her number for two weeks already.

I've dialed her number four times. I hung up every time before I even finished dialing. I don't know what I'm so worried about. I know she's got her own line. Fifth time's a charm, right?

It rings four times. Do I leave a message? What do I say? Oh, fuck. I should've planned this better. I go to hang up the phone when I hear a quiet voice.

"Hello?"

I pause with the phone halfway between my ear and the receiver.

"Hello?"

Oh, God. I'm such a fucking loser. Do I just hang up now? What do I say?

"Hey… Is Bella there?"

"This is Bella."

Fuck. Of course it is. She has her own number.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Hey." Please let her say something else. I don't know why I can't stop saying 'hey.'

"Sorry about that. I was trying to turn down my CD player and I dropped the phone..."

Music. Okay. Great. I can talk about that. "What were you listening to?"

"Gish. My aunt's visiting from college, and she got it for me."

"Cool." She doesn't say anything. Fuck. Does she just want to hang up on me? I need to say something. "I love that album. What song were you on?"

"Ummm... 'Crush'?"

'Crush'? Yeah, I know that. Fuck do I know that. I have an idea. "That's my favorite. Hold on?"

"Okay."

I try to get to my CD collection, but I can't quite reach. "I'm going to put the phone down for a second. I'm not hanging up. Wait there, okay?"

"Okay."

I put the phone down and grab my Gish CD. I switch my Pretty Hate Machine out. Man, I'd love a six-CD player, though not as much as the Strat I'm saving for. "Hey."

Oh, God. Not this again.

"Hey."

"Okay. Go back to the beginning of the track and pause it, okay?"

"Okay."

"Press play on the count of three. One, two, three." I press play, and I can hear she has, too. "We'll listen to it together."

"Okay."

We don't speak as we listen to the last half of the album together. This phone call has gone pretty well considering we haven't said much more than 'hey' and 'okay.' I don't want to jinx it, so I let her go before I say something stupid and fuck everything up. I've had her number for a month.

I've come close to calling a few times, but I couldn't come up with a reason. But there's a built-in reason today. I can just wish her a Merry Christmas, right?