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Ernie Macmillan, Moaning Myrtle and Alphard Black

There was a reason Moaning Myrtle was always moaning. Funnily enough, despite what she told Harry in his second year, it had nothing to do with her death. Myrtle was suffering from unrequited love. In fact, Myrtle had been suffering from unrequited love for the greater part of her life – well, her death.

Moaning Myrtle was in love with Alphard Black. She remembered the very first time she had noticed him – seen how wonderful he was. She'd been sitting in the library with her friend (note the singular – she only had one friend) when Alphard had come in, surrounded by friends. Her first feeling was jealousy. It always seemed unfair to her that some people had so many friends, and that she only had one. But her next thought after this was decidedly un-Myrtle-like. She thought he was quite handsome. Very handsome, in fact. His long black hair shimmered in the sunlight streaming in from the windows, his grey eyes sparkled with mirth as he laughed with his friends.

Myrtle decided, then and there, that Alphard was going to love her. She was going to get him to go out with her if it was the last thing she did. She took to stalking him. Everywhere he went, she followed at a distance. Whenever he wasn't in his common room, the toilets or in class, Myrtle was behind him, watching and admiring his every action. She spent weeks trying to get up the courage to ask him out. Finally, the day before a Hogsmeade trip, she came to him, took a deep breath and asked. He turned her down.

Myrtle was inconsolable. She spent weeks hiding in the toilets, sobbing her heart out. It was in this time of dire need that she would have most appreciated a friend to comfort her. But her only friend, Olive, did the exact opposite. She got sick of Myrtle's constant whining about Alphard, and her habit of disappearing into the toilets for hours at a time. Olive abandoned her.

Myrtle was now contemplating drowning herself in one of the toilets, when her life got even worse. Olive gained some new friends, who ganged up on Myrtle, teasing her about her glasses, and using imaginative insults such as four-eyes. A basilisk was let loose on the school, attacking mud-bloods such as Myrtle. Finally, when she thought life had already sunk into the utmost pit of horrors, Myrtle died.

Myrtle recounted this whole sad story to Ernie Macmillan, who sat perched on the edge of the basin in the second floor girls bathroom. Why was Ernie in a girls bathroom? you may ask. Well, Ernie was also suffering from unrequited love. He, like Myrtle, was in love with someone who was now dead. However, he, unlike Myrtle, could still talk to and ogle the object of his affections – Moaning Myrtle herself. Ernie had crept into the girls bathroom late one night, when he couldn't sleep for think about his Myrtle-poo (as he was wont to call her in his fantasies where they got together, he miraculously brought her back to life, they got married, and then they…well…you get the idea). So Ernie crept out of his dormitory, evaded Mrs. Norris and Mr. Norris (aka Filch) and found Myrtle, as usual, crying in a toilet. Ernie, after what seemed like hours of trying, managed to coax her out of her toilet. Then, to her glee, he listened as she told him her tragic life's (and death's) story.

Ernie tried to look sympathetic. He tried to tell her it was all okay, and that now he was here it would be alright, that he would never reject her like Alphard had done. He tried to tell her that he loved her. But when Ernie opened his mouth to tell Myrtle all this life(and death)-changing information, all that came out has a horrified scream. Ernie fled from the bathroom in tears.

Now, Ernie is sitting, sobbing on the roof of the Astronomy Tower. He looks down to the ground, far below, trying to decide if he would die on impact. Ernie thinks he will. Ernie tenses himself to jump, when suddenly he hears a cry behind him.

"Don't!"

"But why not?" Ernie asks, recognising the voice of his love, his Myrtle, "You love some dead guy who didn't like you, who you'll never see again. You'll never love me, and even if you did, you're dead. Is there anything left living for?"

Myrtle takes it very personally that one of the reasons Ernie is suicidal is because she's dead. She starts wailing. Ernie does the only thing that seems appropriate, given the situation. Ernie kisses her (how he managed to kiss a ghost, we will never know, but it was true love, so I feel it's allowed). She stops wailing, and once they've stopped kissing, looks up at him with love.

"You're better than Alphard. You'd never reject me. Although he did have lovely hair…"

They kiss again.