Just to let you know before you continue on reading, that there is attempted suicide written twice in this chapter. If you would rather not read this, I understand.

I'm an idiot. There was no other words for it. I had to be an idiot. Why else would I tell Dad that I was on the football team? Seriously! What was I even thinking? Thankfully Finn had helped me get onto the team. They were not pleased, that didn't cover it. They were pissed. I had been able to do something that none of them could. Even on their field, they still wouldn't accept me. After Coach allowed me to be part of the team, I could hear the snares and the nasty words they throw my way. I held my head high, but deep down I could feel another part of me breaking.

Our first game was on tomorrow night, and that was all Dad could talk about each dinner. How proud he was of me. He was proud of the fake person I was. Staring into my mirror as I finished up my skin routine I could only feel sadness as I looked at myself. Why could no one accept me? Glee Club was the only thing that brought me any peace during my day. Even then I was just in the background. The background of the Rachel Berry Show. She always got the parts, ever song, ever solo belonged to her. She was good don't get me wrong, but I was good too. Right? Maybe I wasn't. Maybe it was all in my head.

As I crawled into bed looking at the gym bag at the door, I knew that I was a fake. Trying to fit into a world that didn't;t want me. A world that wants me out of the picture. As I lay that night in bed, I could picture the world continuing without me, a world where they would all be able to go on with their lives and nothing would be any different.

...

We had scored no points at all. As I sat on the edge of the bench I knew that it was unlikely that I would make it onto the field. I turned around to look for my father in the crowds. Of course he was right in the middle, screaming at the players on the field. He never once looked down at me, he was too engrossed in the game to notice his son. I watched as the team continued to play, there was a chance that they could get a touchdown, but there was very little team still on the clock. The team all gathered around Finn as he called for a time out. He was throwing his arms in the area, obviously giving them a new play. Quickly they turned around, and got into their positions. Even though I was on the team, I was still extremely confused about what was going on. Finn had tried to explain it to me, but it made absolutely no sense.

I watched amazed as Finn throw the ball long, and one of the players was able to catch it and make a dive for a touchdown. The crowd behind me roared loudly with excitement. McKinley had finally been able to get points on the board. They were now drawing. The coach pulled me out of sit, and towards the field.

"Right kid, biggest moment of your life." He looked me up and down. "Don't screw this up."

I gulped slightly fear running through my body as I made my way onto the field, placing my helmet onto my head. It was massive, I could just about see out. Finn placed the ball in front of me, showing me a thumbs up for reassurance. All I could feel was dread.

Pacing backwards to my spot, I turned around to the bleachers staring at the coach, and then to my father. Both of them looked as nervous as each other. This was the moment to make both of them proud of me. To make the team like, to be accepted by the team, by the school, maybe even the town. Finn turned around to the coach, telling them to turn my music on. As the music played, I went through the dance, as the crowd stared at me.

As soon as my foot touched the ball I knew that it was going to be alright. It almost went in slow motion as I watched it sail right through the goal posts. The crowd instantly roared again. Finn turned around and slapped me hard on the back. The rest of the team came rushing over screaming into each others faces with excitement that they had finally won a game. I smiled back at each of them. This is what it was like to be part of a team. To belong to something. I knew instantly that on my face was the biggest dopiest smile in my life.

It seemed to go forever, as the game came to an end. But the euphoria of tonight was still extremely evident on my face. I felt myself skip back to the locker rooms with the rest of the team. Finn walking beside, still talking loudly with excitement to the rest of the team. The coach quickly called him back onto the field while the rest of us went into the locker room to change out of our sweaty clothes. Even if I hadn't even broke a sweat, I could feel the gross stench of the team around me.

Walking through the door of the changing room, I felt someone strongly snatch me out of the door frame. I quickly turned around to see Dave Karofsky and two of the other players standing behind him. Pushing me roughly against the wall, my feet not even touching the floor.

"You think you're good now gay. You aren't stepping in there. You aren't getting your stuff. You just want to go in there to look at all of us undress you creep." Dave snarled at my face.

"I belong on this team just as much as any of you. My stuff is in there."

"Did you hear that guys? Little gay over here thinks he's like us." His friends laughing along before he turned around right in my face. "You don't belong here. You aren't one of us, and never will be one of us. You are a waste of space. No one wants you here. You are disgusting."

"Just leave me alone." I squeaked out as I felt the clutches of his hands bearing onto my shoulders, there would certainly be a bruise there in the morning.

"My pastor says that gay people are going to hell. You are the reason why there is so much wrong in the world. God is just punishing us for allowing you dirty people in the world." One of the guys behind Karofsky shouted. "You're going to burn in hell you little fag."

"Maybe we should kick the gay out of him?" The slightly shorter one said.

"Great idea." Karofsky said slyly dragging me out to the back of the school. I screamed, fearing creeping through my body, struggling to get out of their reach. But there was no point each of them were stronger than me.

Throwing me roughly to the ground they took turns kicking into me, pushing me back down each time I tried to get up. It wasn't until a group of girls came close that they stopped what they were doing.

"Get lost, we don't want to see you ever again. You pathetic piece of shit." Each of them turned disgust in their eyes as they stared at me, before turning around and leaving me.

As I lay in the darkness all I could was let the tears fall down my face. I had done everything right. I joined the football team, I basically won the game for them, and they still could not accept me. They could not accept me because I was gay. No matter how hard I tried, they would never accept me. What was the point?

I don't know how long I lay there, getting later and later. When I thought that everyone was gone, and the only car left in the parking lot was mine. I struggled back towards the locker room. Grabbing hold of the door, I could feel that it was locked for the night. Another thing against me. With no phone or access to my car keys I would have to endure the agonizing walk home. I was sore, the tears had stopped. I had no tears left to cry.

When I finally saw home, there was no excitement, no hope that was held inside. Dad would be inside thinking that I had spent time with the team, what else would a normal teenager be doing after they had won their first football game. But I was not a normal teenager.

As I opened the front door, trying to sneak in without dad lifting his head from the television. But there was no such luck.

"You home kid?" Dad called without moving his face to look at me.

"Yeah, I'm tired think I'll head to bed." I said trying to get out of talking with my father.

"You played so well, I'm never been more proud of you." Dad say now turning to look up at me. "What the hell happened to you?" His voice going up an octave as he moved out of his seat.

"I don't belong anywhere Dad. They hate me. Everyone hates me. That wasn't me on that field. That isn't who I am." I screamed at my father, before dashing out of the room and down the stairs to my bedroom, making sure to lock the door so the conversation would not continue.

I could hear my father huffing upstairs. He must have pushed something of the coffee table as a loud crash happened on the floor above me. The tears started back up, even in my home I wasn't welcome. My dad was proud of the person who I had faked to try and be. Even then I couldn't do it right. If he found out that I was gay, what would he say then? Would he take those words back? How would he handle to the shame that I would bring to him? I would have to end it. I thought back on the words back from the pamphlet a couple of weeks ago. I didn't want to live anymore. I would cease to exist. That is what I wanted.

Quickly grabbing my notebook I scribbled a note, who to address it to. My dad? Glee? No one wanted me.

To anyone who cares,

I can't do this anymore. I can't live a lie anymore. I'm gay. I always have and always will be. There is nothing I can do to change. I don't want to spend my life as a disappoint, to not be loved. Please forgot me, I will cease to annoy or bring shame to anyone.

Love Kurt Hummel

I quickly set the notebook on bed, looking around the room which I spent many night in thinking about how it would all get better. That had never happened. This was the end. Turning around and heading straight to my bathroom, filling the tub with warm water. Opening the medicine cupboard, moving around the different products I had, before I found the packet of razor blades that I had now for a couple of months. Slowly sliding into the bath tub, looking around the crystal white room I knew that I would wake to nothing. Turning the faucet off, grabbing the blade, holding it close to my wrist. Slowly but deliberately pulling the blade and feeling the blood rush out. After setting the blades down I waited. Waited for the darkness to take over.

...

It had been almost three weeks since I had been sent to Dalton Academy. I had been accepted in the Warblers. I knew that I could sing, but after David had heard me singing through walls when I was in the shower on our first day after gym he had made me try out for the group. It was nice to feel like I fit into a group. But the pressure to be good was too much. They had handed every single solo to me, my grades were slipping, and I wasn't getting my homework done. I wanted to call home. I wanted to hear my parents tell me that I could home. That they would take me back in a heart beat. But there had been no communication with my dad. I had tried to call the house to talk to mom, but each time dad was home, so she would pretend I was a wrong number calling.

Sitting in the back row of my English class, not listening to what the teacher had to say. There was too much going on my mind to think about Jane Austen or Charles Dickens. I couldn't concentrate on anything. In my previous school, I was always top of my classes, unless it was Spanish, I was horrendous at learning foreign languages, what was the point in them anyway?

"Mr Anderson, are you going to be part of this class?" The short teacher from the front of the room called. All of the other students had turned around to look at me, staring to see what I was doing.

"Yes Sir." I said sitting up a little straighter in my chair.

"Have you been able to hand in your revolutionary views on Jane Austen yet? It was due on Wednesday, it's now Friday?" The teacher, knowing full well that the teenager didn't have his essay finished.

"No sir."

"I want it on my desk first thing on Monday. No excuses." He said before returning to teaching his class, and I continued to allow my mind to wander.

This was how the day continued. I didn't have this done, or that wasn't completed or I hadn't studied for the test. It wasn't that I was a bad student, I loved learning I just could never get anything done.

That afternoon after the classes had finished we had a Warblers meeting. Sitting near the back of the room watching the excitement all of the members, but there was nothing for me to be excited about.

"Blaine, you haven't meet with the music teacher to practice this week have you?" One of the older members on the council board asked.

"I haven't been able to make it." I said half heartedly.

"Sectionals is in three weeks Blaine, everyone else is pulling their weight. We need you to do the same as well. Are you part of this team or not?"

"I am, it's just hard right now to get everything done, I have a lot on my mind." I tried to justify.

"That is just not good enough Blaine, we might need to consider your solos, and your membership on the Warblers, there are plenty of people who would jump at the chance to get where you are now."

Alone, rejected my their friends and family. Yes, everyone would want that for themselves. I was living a massive lie. I hadn't told anyone at Dalton about my parents, about my past, about being gay. There was a very strong no bullying policy at Dalton, but if my family wouldn't accept me, why would anyone else?

After practice, I went straight to the phone in the office to call home. Hopefully father wouldn't be home and I would be able to talk mom into coming down to visit or even bring me home. Someone picked up on the second dial.

"Anderson residence." My mother answered.

"Hey Mom, it's Blaine are you free to talk?"

"Your father is in his study. Just let me move to the kitchen. I have missed you so much. I try to talk you father out of this, but you know how he gets."

"I miss you lots to mum, look I was wondering if you would be able to come to see me this weekend."

"You know I would love to, but your father doesn't even know that we talk."

"Mom, I need you. Please, it's hard being away from you."

I could feel the phone rumbling around before I heard my father's voice.

"I told you brat we don't want to hear from you. We don't want to hear anything, we don't want to see you. Stop calling your mother."

"Please dad, I just want to talk. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry! You did this to yourself. If you weren't off trying to get boys we could all be a family. You have disgraced this family. Your mother is just too soft to see how much pain you have brought to this family. You are not part of this family anymore Blaine."

"But dad..."

"You will stop calling. You will leave your mother alone. Just leave us alone. We are better of without you. Everyone is better off without you." The phone was slammed down violently.

I just stared of into the distance thinking back on my father's last words: Everyone would be better off without you. Maybe he was right, no one needs me. I have no family, no friends, my grades are slipping. I can't do anything right.

As the tears started to well up in my eyes, I headed straight to my room. Closing the door, the boxes still sat. I had only opened one of my suitcases to get a change of clothes out throughout the weeks, other than that, I just existed. I didn't want to exist anymore. There was no one to share it with anymore. There was no one who loved me anymore. I was alone. Heading over to the window I looked out on the grounds around the school. People were playing sports, enjoying the sun that was shining before it would be time for dinner. Life was going on around me, and no one knew how I felt. No one out there understood what I was going through.

I don't want to live anymore. Ran through my head. No one would care. Tears streaming down my face, I looked down at my tie. I knew what I had to do. Quickly grabbing my chair from underneath my desk. Standing beside the window, reaching up to the curtain pole, tying my tie around the pole, before making a hole big enough for my head and placing it around my neck. Staring out the window I did the only thing I could. I stepped off the chair.

Thank you to all my readers. Wherever you are I thank you for taking the time to read my story, and getting through the whole chapter.