From the Emerald City News:
Flying Monkeys Attack Fetish ClubPandemonium broke loose the day before yesterday at the Witch's Castle, which has become a fetish club since the demise of its previous owner, the Wicked Witch of the West, who was destroyed by Dorothy Gale, Oz's National Heroine. At least a hundred flying monkeys burst into the club and attacked its terrified patrons, who were sent fleeing for their lives. A young dominatrix was bitten by a monkey and had to be treated for rabies. The club will be closed until further notice.
'Sounds fishy to me,' said Dorothy, slapping down the newspaper on the breakfast table after reading the article aloud. 'The flying monkeys were the Witch's minions but they were free to go about their own business after I melted the Witch. Why would they go back to her castle?'
'Maybe they're into kinky stuff, too,' suggested Princess Ozma, who was sitting at the head of the table with Dorothy to her right.
The Wizard of Oz was sitting to the left of Ozma, eating scrambled eggs. Zeb was seated beside Dorothy, facing Bruno. The two were gazing into each other's eyes, oblivious to everyone else in the room. Betsy wasn't there – she had the spent the night at some guy's place.
The Scarecrow was next to Zeb, nervously drumming his fingers on the table. He was waiting for his soon-to-be ex-wife to arrive. The Patchwork Girl would be bringing over their divorce papers for them both to sign. The Scarecrow wanted to have people around when this happened, since he was half afraid that the Patchwork Girl would tear him apart in a rage. She had been furious that the Scarecrow was leaving her for the Tin Man (who was conveniently absent from these proceedings). Quite frankly, the Scarecrow couldn't blame her.
Just then, she entered the room. The Patchwork Girl was like a cross between Raggedy Anne and the Bride of Frankenstein. She had been made from a patchwork quilt, shaped into a woman-sized doll, and brought to life by a crazy magician. Not wanting to discover what the magician planned to use her for, the Patchwork Girl had hit the Yellow Brick Road with Ojo and journeyed to the Emerald City. Once there, she had met the Scarecrow, fallen in love, and been married. And now she was getting divorced.
'Hello, everybody,' she said, waving her hand to include everyone present.
The others all returned her greeting, feeling awkward in her presence.
The Patchwork Girl opened her handbag and deposited the divorce papers on the table, in front of the Scarecrow.
'I've already signed them,' she said. 'Let's just get this over with so we can both get on with our lives.'
The Scarecrow scribbled his signature on the appropriate pages and said, 'Scraps, I…I'm sorry….'
'Don't,' said Scraps, holding up her hand. 'Just don't.'
The Patchwork Girl took back the pages and put them in her handbag. Then she noticed Toto lying at Dorothy's feet, which were clad in fluffy bunny slippers instead of her ruby ones.
'Before I go, do you mind if I use your powder room?' Scraps said to Ozma.
'Of course not,' said the Princess. 'Shall I show you where it is?'
'I'm sure I can find it myself,' answered the Patchwork Girl and, with a flip of her braids, she turned and left.
The Patchwork Girl was not going to any powder room. She walked down a hallway until she got to Dorothy's suite of rooms. Walking into Dorothy's bedroom, she immediately noticed the rumpled bed sheets, which had been thrown into disarray by the morning's lovemaking that had taken place between Dorothy and Ojo (who had left early to conduct some shady business in the Gillikin Country in the north of Oz).
The ruby slippers had been casually thrown on the floor, where they lay glittering enticingly next to the bed. Without wasting a moment, the Patchwork Girl picked up the shoes and shoved them in her handbag. Then she left Ozma's Palace.
Kiki Aru sat in a room in the tallest tower of the Witch's Castle, which had been deserted since the monkey attack. What a stroke of luck it had been that he had found the golden cap in a storeroom while visiting the fetish club. The strange-looking hat was made of gold fabric and the hatband was studded with rubies. This was the same golden cap that had given the Wicked Witch of the West the power to command her army of winged monkeys. Now the magical hat was on Kiki's head. He had used it to summon the flying monkeys, ordering them to attack the club-goers. With this place abandoned for the time being, Kiki had himself a cool base from which to operate.
He would have his revenge on Dorothy. How dare she deny his simple request for her ruby slippers! How dare she humiliate him in front of Zeb!
Ah…Zeb. Kiki stared out the window, thinking of the Gay Cowboy of Oz. He didn't know much about the world outside of Oz, but Kiki had heard that Zeb had come from a sunny place called California. He imagined Zeb working on some ranch, under the hot sun, shirtless and shiny with sweat….
Kiki moaned softly to himself. He was suddenly ripped from his fantasy by a loud voice: 'Hey, excuse me! Chi Chi Larue, or whatever your name is, I've brought you what you asked me for.'
He stood and whirled around to see the Patchwork Girl standing there.
'My name is KIKI ARU!' he shouted. Then, in a quieter voice, he added, 'You brought them?'
'I said I would, didn't I?' Scraps said. 'It was a breeze to get them. Dorothy sometimes just leaves them lying around – like she did today. She really should be more careful.'
The Patchwork Girl opened her handbag and took out the ruby slippers, which sparkled in the light that came through the window.
Kiki almost had an orgasm when he saw the shoes. He snatched them from Scraps. 'Mine! Finally they're all mine!'
'Remember our deal,' the Patchwork Girl reminded Kiki. 'I got you your precious shoes, now you have to help me get back at the Scarecrow for running off with another man.'
'Don't worry, Miss Scraps,' Kiki responded. 'Dorothy's sure to mount a full-scale search for her shoes, which means she'll find her way here sooner or later. And it's a safe bet that the Scarecrow will be with her. Dorothy always drags her entire posse around with her wherever she goes. Naturally, they all worship her – that bitch! But we'll get her, don't you worry, we'll get them all!' He threw his head back and laughed maniacally.
'Okay, now you're starting to scare me,' said Scraps.
Kiki removed his boots and forced his feet into the ruby slippers. 'It's a good thing Dorothy has such big feet. These babies fit me like a glove.'
'Yeah, a really tight glove,' muttered the Patchwork Girl.
'And now I will use my ruby slippers to make one of my fondest dreams come true,' said Kiki, clasping his hands together in a melodramatic fashion. 'I will use them to cast a love spell on Zeb Hugson!'
Kiki closed his eyes and clicked his heels together three times and said, 'Cowboy Zeb, you are the one for me/ By my will, it comes to be/ All your love you'll give to me/ To your heart, I hold the key.'
'Kinda sounds like a Dido song to me,' quipped Scraps.
The ruby slippers sparked a little, but that was all.
'It might take a while for the spell to start working,' Kiki said, almost to himself.
'OH MY GOD!' screamed Dorothy, after walking into her bedroom and seeing that her ruby slippers were missing.
After hearing Dorothy's cry, Zeb rushed into the room. 'What is it? What's wrong?'
'My ruby slippers! I can't find them anywhere!'
'Are you sure you left them here?' asked Zeb.
'Yes,' said Dorothy. 'They were on the floor, next to my bed.'
'What's all this screaming about?' asked Ozma, wandering into the room.
'Dorothy can't find her ruby slippers,' said Zeb.
'Well, they must be somewhere,' said Ozma. 'Dorothy, honey, I told you not to just leave them lying around. But anyway, who could have taken them?'
'Who?!' screeched Dorothy. 'I'll tell you who! I bet it's that freaky little prick, Kiki Aru!'
Zeb experienced a strange feeling at the mention of that name; it was almost like a sense of longing. He shrugged it off and said, 'I'll get Bruno and we'll help you search the Palace. It doesn't seem very likely that Kiki could've come here while we were having breakfast and swiped your shoes.'
'Zeb's right,' said Ozma. 'I told the Palace guards to be on the lookout for anyone fitting Kiki's description. He couldn't have slipped into this place without anyone noticing. Maybe you kicked your shoes off someplace else and forget where. You were probably fooling around with Ojo at the time.'
And so the search began. The Scarecrow and Bruno joined Dorothy, Zeb and Ozma as they made a sweep of the Palace grounds. Even Toto accompanied them, trying to pick up any suspicious scents.
Dorothy was becoming frantic. The Good Witch of the North had given her those shoes. They had kept her safe from harm on her first journey through Oz and had given her the power to return to Kansas when she had wanted so badly to go home. Then she had used the ruby slippers to carry her back to Oz for good. What would she do without those shoes?
As the day wore on, three more of Dorothy's friends joined the search. First came the Cowardly Lion, who had just returned from buying a new faux fur coat. This one was a leopard-print nightmare that came with a matching, wide-brimmed hat.
Then the Tin Man made an appearance. 'Has the Bride of Chucky gone?' he asked the Scarecrow.
'Yes,' said the Scarecrow, glad that there had been no altercation between his ex and his new love. 'Scraps left this morning.'
Finally, Betsy Bobbin showed up, looking like a tart and smelling of cheap sex. However, she was willing to help Dorothy look for her shoes. Those ruby slippers weren't only significant to Dorothy. Before coming to Oz, Betsy and Dorothy had been best friends in high school. Then Betsy had run off to California, dreaming of becoming an actress. Dorothy had been visiting her cousin Zeb when she had run into Betsy on a street corner in Los Angeles, where she had been ready to turn her first trick. If Dorothy hadn't brought her to Oz, who knew where Betsy would be right now.
Those sparkly red shoes had helped Zeb get out of a bad situation, too. The trouble had started when his violently homophobic Uncle Bill had been snooping around Zeb's bedroom and had found an old issue of The Advocate (It was the one with Reichen and Chip on the cover.). Luckily, Dorothy had come along with her ruby slippers and had helped him escape over the rainbow.
'My shoes are nowhere to be found in this Palace,' said Dorothy. 'Kiki must've stolen them somehow; I just know it. I'm going to Munchkinland to find him and make him give me back my slippers!'
'Actually,' said Betsy, 'I saw the Lollipop Boys the day before yesterday and they said that Kiki hasn't been seen in Munchkinland for days.'
Dorothy decided to consult the Wizard in his apartments in the Palace. He was a little old man in a velvet coat and a top hat, and he was surprised that the girl still thought to seek his advice. After all, she had discovered him to be a fake wizard during the time when he had ruled the Land of Oz.
Still, the Wizard had helped the Scarecrow to realize that he already possessed intellect and had told the Tin Man that he'd been kind and loving all along. The two of them didn't really need a brain or a heart to have these qualities. As for the Lion, he may have seemed like a big sissy some of the time, but he had always been prepared to face danger to protect Dorothy.
After leaving Oz in a hot air balloon, the Wizard had made his way to L.A. Dorothy had found him outside a toy store, where he had been hired to make balloon animals for the amusement of children, as a promotional gimmick. He was certainly glad that Dorothy had taken him back to the Emerald City.
After listening to Dorothy's tale of her missing shoes, the Wizard said, 'If you suspect this Kiki Aru fellow of stealing the slippers, where might he be, if not in Munchkinland?'
'If I knew that, I'd be headed there right now,' said Dorothy.
'Isn't there someplace he might use as a hide-out, someplace he'd be drawn to?' continued the Wizard.
Dorothy thought for a moment. 'The Witch's Castle has been standing empty since the winged monkeys attacked the place. I'm sure Kiki would just love to use that place as his lair. He had some crazy idea of becoming a new Wicked Witch. It couldn't hurt to check out the castle.'
Dorothy told the others that she suspected Kiki was at the Witch's Castle. Since it was getting late, and everyone was tired, they decided to start out the next day, bright and early, off to the land of the West.
Meanwhile, Zeb had that weird feeling again after hearing Kiki's name. He kept thinking about Kiki: how he had looked boyishly charming with those band-aids on his face after he'd fallen through the rose hedge, how Kiki had kissed him before flying off on that broom.
Kiki was in the Witch's Castle – Zeb could feel it. He had to see Kiki – now. While Bruno was in the shower, Zeb jumped into his red Mini Cooper convertible and drove west, toward the setting sun.
Once he'd left the Emerald City, Zeb accelerated and hit the open road. The countryside stretched out in front of him. The western sky had a strange red tinge, unlike any sunset Zeb had ever seen before. He found it hard to think about anything besides Kiki. Thoughts of Bruno and how much he meant to him tried to stir within Zeb's mind but were blocked out by dark magic – Kiki's love spell.
Soon, the Witch's Castle loomed up on the horizon like a Gothic cathedral.
Kiki stood in the tower room, gazing out the window. He could see for miles around. There was the red car, steadily approaching.
'It's him! It's him!' exclaimed Kiki.
'Who? The Scarecrow?' asked the Patchwork Girl, looking up from the magazine she was reading.
'No! It's Zeb!' said Kiki. 'My spell actually worked!' He ran downstairs shouting, 'Ready or not, Zeb, here I come!'
When Kiki burst through the castle doors Zeb was outside, leaning on his car. He had a strange look on his face, as if he was unsure of what had brought him here. Then he saw Kiki.
Kiki could scarcely breathe. Zeb was wearing his cowboy hat (as usual), an Astro Boy T-shirt, and low-slung jeans that revealed his red boxers.
The Cowboy felt a sudden urge to kiss the Goth boy, and vice versa. Kiki flung himself into Zeb's arms and the two of them locked lips. Kiki was deliriously happy. Zeb had come to him! His love spell had worked!
Scraps cleared her throat noisily to announce her presence. 'Now that your Romeo has arrived, I hope you won't forget about helping me get revenge on my ex-husband.'
'Sure, whatever,' said Kiki, putting his arms around Zeb and kissing him again.
