Disclaimer: I own nada and make nada.

Author's Rant: Yahh I see some of you actually like the whole idea. Oh and to answer a question, Yoko's letters will be rated M because hey he's a pervert but the other's will be rated T. But I reallllly hope you guys find Hiei's response funny lol.

Warning: Rated T for language and a very angry Hiei. ^_^


Dear My King Of Thieves?, I think not.

By some cruel cosmic joke I believe was conjured up by the gods themselves (Namely Koenma), I've received your stained letter of supposed love?

Are you somehow suffering from some form of terminal disease that's fried your brain into writing me this sinfully disgusting letter? What the hell is the matter with you?

You're damned right I'm shocked to be getting this letter from you and what radiate beauty are you talking about? All I see is an insane sexual maniac trying to work his way into seducing his own partner.

Seriously your charismatic charms? A blessing that'll force me into your bedding? Unbelievable! What makes this so painfully aggravating is that each word written was meant in the most serious fashion. How fucking dare you think that I'd want to touch any of your decrypted ass. YOU'RE OLD YOU FOOL! I DON'T FUCK ANCIENT CARCASSES!

As a matter of fact, I DON'T FUCK MALES EITHER!

And now thanks to you, I've become quite mindful of where I train during the late evenings to ensure my 'peach tanned muscles, glistened in sweat' don't arouse any future perverts like you who want to pludge their raging manhoods in my lower world of forbidden entry.

If you're aware that my sexuality doesn't stray towards men then why in the hell would you want to write this abominable disgrace of words to me? Were you honestly hoping that your flaming wood would somehow—

….Oh my God….

What the fuck? Your flaming wood? Really? Being engulfed in my scorching fireplace? Namely my behind?

Then you mean to tell me you're actually get off on seeing me grasp the hilt of my sword? Are you that depraved of sexual pleasures that the smallest form of attack turns you on? You sickened silver fen! Why would I want to stroke your stony blade of fleshy desires? Or was it your burning knot?

Disgusting.

Again I must ask, are the functions of that organ trapped in your skull working properly?

...*Snarls angrily pulling at dark hair and continues writing quickly*...

I'm so pissed off I can barely see straight and that's coming from a man with three eyes!

I can't believe... No...I can believe it...You've basically described a vicious defiling scene between me and you….*drops quail pen and squeezes pressure between eyes, shaking head*

Ok, you are so ill in the mind I don't know where to continue. Really? Really? I still can't believe I read that whole thing.

My ruby fluids, I'm going to assume, is my blood coming from the crack of my ass where your creamy goodness is supposed to be injected right? Sooooo you're pretty much explaining that you're going to corrupt me in the most savage fashion huh? In other words, you want to rape me?

Wow...

YOU

NASTY

REPULSIVE

FUCKING

GUTTER MINDED

FOOL!

Why would you think I'd let you get that far? I'll rather kiss the rusty mechanics of Mukuro's hideous face then cry your wretched name to the heavens. Cuddle? Did you just describe me purring in your chest like some feral cat AFTER you rape me? Why would I want to be near you after my crimson goodness meshes with the creamy—I'm not even going to grace the rest of this letter with that horrid detail of stupidity.

There's no other way to explain my reaction other than asking ONCE AGAIN, has that piece of squishy equipment in your head been tampered with? Has Yomi been experimenting with your mentality?

And you're damned right I'm going to question how you've come to see me that way. I've never once invoked any type of come-on towards you, you misguided fool!

You will not be deflowering my glorified innocence in this life time! My ass is off limits to crazed Youkos with a creepy disposition for molesting young demons.

Yes I DO lack a share of male lovers BECAUSE I'M NOT INTO MALES YOU IDIOT!

*Glares evilly at paper* You honestly blame me for something YOU'VE misread because of your prearranged selective hearing? Fine, I'll go ahead and clear up those issues for you before another incident like this repelling aversion occurs again.

Nine times out of ten if my shirt is gone, IT ISN'T to intentionally showcase my taunt muscles for your delight. So forgive me if you're stroking your prick, while I'm in the midst of staying alive. Nice to know where your mind is while I'm trying to fight for my life.

If you really misunderstood the fact that I'm always pissed off, then I can only imagine what you'll think if I ran my sword up your burning glory. Come to think of it, you'll probably enjoy that wouldn't you, you masochistic fool.

If I'm glaring at you, that isn't flirting. Most likely I'm secretly plotting a sinister plan in ending your miserable life and trust me yours will be coming to an end VERY SOON.

Why, why, why must you keep giving my behind a pet name like you've meet it face to face? It's not a Vermillion Pearl, it's not a Heated Cavern and it's not some type of goddamn Treasure for you to steal! It's just a hole where shit comes out…and apparently it comes from more sources then my own ass…namely that revolting mouth of yours.

Be warned you sick, twisted, manipulative, sex crazed Youko, if I should see another letter filled with more of your disenchant verbs of planned molestation of my 'SACRED ASS' I'll be using the very same sword you seem so fond of to viciously amputate your Glorious Knot of a Thousand Wonders!

Come on! Sweetened heat? Slushed pop? My gorgeous lips milking you of your—again I won't disgrace this paper with such explicit details.

*Growls menacingly at the sheet of paper as thoughts of calculated death surface.* You'd better pray to whatever god you believe in that I never see your pale faced ass in this day and age or world! I'm likely to set your fucking face ablaze

Damn, I'm so pissed…. you have no idea how much I want to just….just….send you and your so called bitter creams to hell!

STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MY UNTOUCHED PEACHED PETALS OF SQUEEZED LUSCIOUSNESS , YOU LOATHSOME, SALTHY SEEDED FOX!

Signed Hiei The Future Tormentor of a certain Youko Demon!

P.S. I'm warning you fox. STAY AWAY FROM ME! I won' be responsible for my actions if I see your perverted eyes stalking my body!

P.S.S I hope you do realize I find you to be the reason why I detest being in the presence of others. For reasons like this, it's exactly why I'm hell bent on taking over both worlds.

P.S.S.S. I HATE YOU SO MUCH!


TBC: What do you think? I hope it was funny guys. I couldn't help laughing myself a couple of times. Please review ^_^. I wonder who Youko will try next lol.