Disclaimer: Still not mine! Though J.K. Rowling is beginning to think about selling the copyrights of Harry Potter to me since I've had her live on water and bread for 6 whole months…

Warning: Still slash! Though not yet explicit. Just bear with me a little longer…!

A/N: Wow. Never would've thought I'd ever continue this story! But, Christmas does something to people, I guess… In my case, my present is inspiration! Though there's still at least 1 chapter to come, I don't know how long it'll take me to write it, I just wrote this in half an hour time but I've got to START writing first, and that's what always takes a long time…

Sirius knew he had ruined it. Sending that letter had been a stupid impulse of him again, he hadn't been thinking about the consequences. And well, consequences there would be. Remus would never want to talk to him again, let alone be his friend. Or boyfriend. He shook his raven haired head, causing the black strands to fall in his eyes. He could use a decent hair cut. His hair was really getting too long to maintain the indifferent fashion he always had when he was at school and girls were swooning over him. Remus had told him that too. Oh, Remus… Even when he was thinking about his hair, the werewolf appeared in his mind! Why couldn't Remus be less cute and cuddly and attractive and appealing and… Why couldn't Sirius just tear his thoughts away from him? He fell back into his soft mattress and sighed, closing his eyes. Finally, after two weeks without proper sleep, he felt himself drifting away in a very welcoming numbness, away from all the trouble.

He found himself standing in his room, looking out of his window onto the dark, grey streets of Number 12, Grimmauld Place. The weather was what one could expect from a December night: cold, rainy and gloomy. Sirius went with his hand through his hair, a nasty habit he had picked up from spending too much spare time with James Potter, before he sighed for the millionth time and turned his back towards the window and the lonely street lantern that was still burning. Suddenly, a knock was heard on the glass. Sirius raised an eyebrow, turning back to see what was disturbing him, and to his surprise… He didn't see a thing. He turned away again, but two more taps were deciding differently, making him repeat the same action again. The noise continued, making the raven feel slightly uncomfortable, for he still couldn't see a thing. It was then he found out he wasn't hearing the taps in his dream, but in reality.

Lazily, Sirius opened one of his blue-grey eyes, but then sat up straight as the knocking continued, quickly scanning the room and the window. He got up from his bed, walking towards it. His surroundings were as dreary and bleak as in his dream, and he got that same, scary feeling again when he was met with nothing but dark air behind the thin glass. Had it just been his imagination? Of course not: he wasn't as insane as his mother and Kreacher were to be hearing things that weren't there… Then suddenly, an indistinct, cloaked figure appeared in front of the window, making Sirius flinch and nearly cry out in fear. Another knock made its way to his ears. Heart thumping madly in his chest, the raven reached out to the handle, wricked it and opened the glass, coming eye to eye with an exhausted, tired and overly wet… 'Remus?'

The latter tried to regain his breath as he pushed himself through the window, trying not to lose control over his broomstick, which he was now holding loosely in his hand. When his feet connected with the safe, wooden floor, he tossed it on the side and leaned on his knees with his hands, still breathing irregularly. Sirius head made a mental click: if Remus was flying on a broomstick in this kind of rainy, windy weather to get to the second floor, where his room was stationed, it wasn't very much of a mystery why Sirius hadn't seen anyone when he had heard the taps. And it made another click when he realised this was really Remus Lupin standing in his room after the big disaster of earlier, having come all the way flying towards his house and so… Towards him. A warm feeling spread through his body together with a small smile on his face, making something flutter in his stomach. But his smile vanished all too soon as he saw the look Remus cast at him through his brown bangs.

'Did you mean it?' the werewolf asked, his breath still coming in pants due to the high speed he had been flying at. Sirius swallowed. 'Did I mean what?' he retorted the question as innocently as possible, trying to keep the conversation from going that way. Perhaps he had already forgotten…? 'You know very well what I'm talking about, Sirius.' Or perhaps not. Remus straightened his back, taking a moment to observe the raven quietly, noticing no reply was going to spill from his lips. 'Just answer the question, Sirius. Did you mean what you said in your letter, yes or no?' The other, slightly elder boy swallowed a second time, still not planning on answering. He just didn't know what to say or do now Remus had appeared so suddenly in his room. 'Let's make the question a bit easier then, Padfoot, so you know which letter exactly I'm talking about.' Oh, he knew exactly which letter this was all about. 'Do you love me, yes or no?'

Sirius uneasily scratched the back of his neck after the question had been put that bluntly. He cleared his throat, before responding: 'Well, err, love, you know, I said it was in my dreams, so you shouldn't take it personally, my dreams always tend to be rather… Odd.' Remus cocked his head to the side, evidently unconvinced. 'Not take it personally?' he repeated sarcastically. 'How could I? These dreams you're having happen to be about me, no, about you and me together, and you tell me I shouldn't take it personally? You have a strange mind, Sirius.' Could he detect some amusement in the werewolf's voice…? Sirius dared a glance at him, but Remus' eyes were still stern looking.

'Right, wrong way to put it, err, I actually meant that you shouldn't worry about it, dreams remain dreams, you know, it's probably just some crazy twist of my mind, it'll pass soon enough, you'll see that tomorrow night I'll be dreaming of Kreacher and my mum having a baby or something, everything will be back to normal then, or at least as normal as can be in this house, so I'm sorry that you had to come here for nothing but a stupid dream and a stupid idea of mine and by Merlin, why am I rambling like a fool?' Sirius nearly shouted the last part of his sentence, and he was glad that his mother's room was further away from his. He clutched his head in his hands, sighing deeply. 'I'm so sorry, Remus,' he then whispered. 'I… I shouldn't have written that. I… I didn't want to give you the wrong idea, I just… I don't know what came over me. I felt that, somehow… I just had to tell you about it.'

Silence fell in the room after that, and Sirius dropped down on his bed again. This was very awkward, and he just wished there was some way to work him out of this tricky situation with their friendship still intact. Upon not hearing any response coming from Remus, though, that hope was slowly beginning to die. Then, finally, a soft voice said: 'But you didn't answer the question, Sirius. I asked you if you loved me. For real. Not just in your dreams.'

The raven swallowed, choosing to look at his hands when he felt the mattress dip next to him, indicating that Remus had taken a seat there. 'I…' he started, but no further words made it to his lips. What could he say, then? That yes, he did have feelings for the werewolf and not just in his dreams? That their hug at Platform 9 ¾ had felt like the best thing that had ever come over him? That he rather enjoyed the dreams he was having about the two of them? That he loved him with all his heart…? He let his head drop a bit, defeat showing on his features. 'I do, Remus. I do,' he whispered. 'Although everything tells me that I shouldn't, that it is wrong and that you would never be able to love me back, I do. And it hurts every time, ever since I fell in love with you two years ago. Our hug, it triggered something inside me, something akin to hope, I guess. But I know now that you will never feel the same about me.' His gaze hardened, and he looked at his friend.

'Because I can tell, you know. I may perhaps be dim-witted at times, but the look you just had in your eyes… It was one of fright and anger. You were hoping that I would say that I didn't love you in that way, weren't you? That's why you came here, to be reassured of that fact. You don't know how to handle it, so you try to manipulate my words by putting your questions so that I can't say anything but the things you want to hear. Well, I'm afraid I'll have to tell you that your tactic failed, because I've just told you exactly how I feel about you. I love you, Remus, and not only in my dreams. I love you and I can't even say that I don't care what you think about it because I do, I fucking do and that's what hurts the most! I'm a selfish person, you've always known that. I can't be glad for myself when you decide that you will forget about everything I've just said and still be my friend. And I definitely won't be able to be glad for you when you finally get yourself a girlfriend. Oh yes, I will try to be polite, but I will hate her, and you will see it in my every act, even though I'll try to hide it as much as I can, just for your sake. I am selfish, and as a selfish person, I want you to love me back. But I know that's an impossible wish. So yes, I'll do my best to just stay your friend, but I'll do it with pain in my heart, because I know you don't love me back the way I do. And I know that you will never.'

Again, the most deadly silence hung in the room while Sirius tried to recapitulate what he had just said to Remus. By Merlin, he felt so angry, so defeated… He couldn't even feel sorry for his harsh words when the werewolf swiftly stood up again, quickly walked towards the window and snatched his broomstick. He couldn't even look up at him and try to stop him with a pleading voice when he heard the window open, and sometime later, a cold gush of wind blew through his hair. He couldn't even run after him when Remus muttered something he couldn't understand, before he swung his leg over his broomstick and flew away.

And he most definitely couldn't hold back his tears when the one he loved the most disappeared into the cold night air.