FINALLY got this update finished! Hope it's been worth the wait!


Howard swallowed hard, trying to fight the nausea welling up inside him. He stumbled, falling against Vince. It was even worse than he remembered. Or maybe it just got worse every time you did it?

"You ok, little man?" Howard asked, once he felt well enough to talk.

"Yeah. Genius." Vince replied weakly.

"Right. We've got 8 hours. We need to split up. Plan to meet back here in 7 and a half hours, just to make sure we're together. Ok?"

"Ok." Vince looked around. "One thing. Where is 'here'?"

'Here' turned out to be the alley behind a scummy looking fish and chip shop. "Could've landed us somewhere nicer." Grumbled Vince. "It stinks!"

Howard shook his head, grinning good naturedly. "Good luck. I'll see you later." Vince turned on his heel and started to walk off. "Oh, and Vince?" he turned. "Don't forget; no-one can see you. Members of the public I mean. Noel fielding is dead, and as far as the world knows that's how he's going to stay. If people know we're back…just make sure you're not seen, ok?"

Vince rolled his eyes. "I'm not stupid, Howard! See you later."

Howard watched until the younger man disappeared from sight around the corner. He hoped Vince would be ok; he didn't exactly have the best track record when it came to being careful.


Vince stood outside the brick building where his 'parents' lived. He took a deep breath, trying to calm the nerves. He couldn't understand why he was feeling like this. These people had been his family for 15 years! They were his parents! More so than his real parents, who he hadn't seen since they shipped him off to live with Brian. He shook his head. "This is ridiculous." He walked up the path and rung the bell. Nothing. He rang it again. Was no-one in? Vince felt a strange mixture of relief and deep disappointment, and turned to go.

Then the door was opened. Vince stared at the woman. She was short, with grey hair and brown eyes which looked younger than her years. She was gazing at him open mouthed, her entire body almost frozen in shock. Vince grinned at her nervously. "Hi, mum."


Howard stood on the street corner, gazing at the house. He had waited 8 years to see his family again, but now that he was only 20 meters away he felt suddenly reluctant. Stop being such a bloody coward! What's the worst that could happen?

But what if he knocked on the door and found out Julia had a new man? After 8 years that was more than likely. Howard didn't think he could stand it if his sons were calling another man 'Dad'. He was jerked out of his musings by his mobile, which he quickly answered. "Vince? You ok?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just seen my parents."

"How are they?"

"They're…fine. They both look really good."

"How did they take it?"

He heard Vince sigh. "Oh, you know. Lots of crying and hugging and talking about the past 8 years. Mum said she sort of assumed we'd gone home once she realised you had gone as well as me and Naboo. They were both really gutted Naboo hadn't come back with us…it was really good seeing them again though. Even if it was just to say goodbye."

"Hmm."

"You spoken to your parents yet?"

"yep." Howard swallowed hard as he thought about his conversation. He had had a disadvantage to Vince because his parents didn't live in London; he'd had to make do with a phone call. His mum had been the hardest. She, like Diane, had assumed he'd gone back to the Boosh world once she realised Vince and Naboo had vanished as well. "Much the same as yours really. Crying and story telling. But it was sort of nice."

"And Julia?"

"I'm stood on the corner of the road, watching the house. Vince, I've been here for half an hour!"

"Why?"

"I don't know! I'm just…what do I say to her, Vince? What do I say to Walter and Arthur?"

"I dunno. The truth?"

Howard smiled. "I guess you're right little man. What about Dee? You seen her yet?"

"I'm…I'm not going to." Vince's voice had gotten a little quieter.

"Huh?"

"She's married, Howard."

"Married? Dee?!"

"I know! Imagine that! She used to say she never wanted to get married!"

"People change. So you don't want to see her because she's married?"

"It's not that. I knew she wasn't going to have lived like a nun for the past 8 years pining over me, I'm not that conceited. It's just…she's moved on, Howard. She's happy. She's obviously made piece with me being dead. If I turn up now it might totally mess up her life! I can't do that to her…"

"Vince."

"What?"

"Think about this. We've got," Howard checked his watch, "just over 4 hours until we need to be back in that alleyway. Forget about Dee for the minute, think about what you want. This is going to be the last chance you ever get to see her again."

"I know, but…"

"Ask yourself this. In five hours time, are you going to regret not talking to her? Because that's what you're going to have to live with, Vince. She'll get over knowing you're alive, but will you get over not taking the one chance you had to say goodbye?"

He could almost hear Vince's brain working as he processed what he said. "Cheers Howard." Vince said, then hung up. Howard sighed as he put his phone away. He really hoped Vince went to see Dee, he could remember how cut up the younger man had been once it had sunk in he wasn't going to see her again. Howard looked up and down the street. Seeing it deserted, he removed the hat and sunglasses he'd been wearing and ran a hand through his hair, still staring at the house.

This was stupid. Like he'd said to Vince, he had only four hours. Why was he wasting his time staring at a building? He should just…

And then the front door opened and Julia stepped out. Howard stared at her. She was just as beautiful as he remembered. She was talking on a cordless phone, waving her hand about and laughing at whatever story she was telling. Howard smiled.

Then she looked up and her eyes met his.

Instantly she froze, the laughter draining from her face. Without saying anything else, she hung up the phone and dropped it on the ground, never taking her eyes off him. Taking a deep breath, Howard began to walk down the street towards her, and she started to come up towards him. They met in the middle and stood for a full minute, just staring at each other. It was Julia who broke the silence.

"Julian?" Her voice sounded so far away and lost, so full of emotion that it almost broke Howard's heart.

"Hey." He said, attempting a small smile.

With a sob, she threw her arms around his neck and he wrapped his own around her, both of them crying and muttering incoherently, unable to let each other go.


10 minutes later, Howard found himself sat at the kitchen table whilst Julia made tea.

"I still can't believe it's you…" she said as she handed him a mug, gazing at him so intently that Howard felt a little unnerved. "I missed you so much…"

"I missed you too."

"Where have you been? We need to ring your parents and the police…"

"No."

Julia frowned, confused. "What do you mean, 'no'? We need to let people know you're still alive…"

"People can't know I'm not dead, Julia. I'm not staying. I have to go back."

"Go back?" she stared at him.

"To where I've been these past 8 years."

"But you...you left me out of choice?!"

"Sort of, but it wasn't like that. I…"

"So what was it like?! 8 years, Julian! I thought you were dead! Do you know what that did to me?! One phone call, to let me know you were alive! Would that have been so hard?!"

Howard could hardly believe how quickly the mood had changed from disbelieving happiness to complete anger. Not that he could blame her, he hadn't explained…

"Julia, it wasn't like that."

"So you said!"

"I swear, I didn't want to leave you. I had to make a split seconds decision, whether to stay or go. I swear to you, the instant I made it I regretted it, wanted to change my mind and come back, but it was too late…"

"What do you mean 'too late'?"

"We had to leave, it was only…"

"'We'?"

"Me, Nab…Mike and Noel."

"Mike and Noel? They left out of choice as well?! Where the hell were you, Julian? You say you changed your mind, but you didn't come back! I don't understand, how can you not have been able to come back?!"

"It…it's hard to explain."

"Julian, you turn up here and tell me not to tell anyone you're alive. You had better explain why."

Howard looked at her, helplessly. "Ok. You are going to think I am totally mad, but I have to ask you to trust me. Everything I am going to tell you is the truth."

She took a deep breath. "Ok."

"right." He closed his eyes, trying to collect himself. Then he opened them and gave her eye contact. "I have to start by telling you that my name isn't really Julian Barratt."

She opened her mouth to say something.

"Or Julian Pettifer." He said quickly, pre-empting what she was about to say. He took a breath. "It's…it's Howard Moon."

Julia looked at him blankly for a few seconds. "Howard Moon."

"Yes."

"The character from your TV show."

"Yes."

"You named the character after yourself?"

He sighed. "No. the character…the character is me. I am Howard Moon, jazz maverick, comin' atcha like a northern buzzard, etc."

She was looking at him strangely. "Is this some sort of joke?"

"No, Julia, I swear it isn't. And I'm not mad either…look; about 23 years ago there was an…incident. Vince and I were messing around in the Nabootique and we may have accidentally opened an inter-dimensional portal. I don't know how."

"This is…"

"Please, please don't interrupt, Julia, I really need to tell you this. Anyway; we opened the portal. We probably should have ignored it but Vince, bless him, always so curious and child-like. Walked right up to the thing. Then Naboo comes in with Bollo, he went crazy. Scared Vince; who fell in. I dashed forwards to grab him, Naboo grabbed my arm to try and stop me, next thing I knew all three of us were lying in a heap in the middle of an abandoned shop feeling like we'd just been put through a washing machine."

"What is this?" she said quietly. Howard tried to ignore her, he knew if he stopped talking now he would never be able to explain everything.

"We soon realised we weren't going to be able to get back, not soon anyway. Naboo somehow managed to get a communication with Bollo back home, something about transition scars in the dimensional wall; anyway, he and the shaman council began working on a way to get us home. To re-open the portal. We tried to lead separate normal lives, we did, Vince even created fake identities for us. But it just didn't work out that way. And so we created the Boosh…"

"Hold on, you're trying to tell me that Noel and Mike are Vince and Naboo?"

"Yes. It was just supposed to be a way of combating home-sickness, I didn't realise it would become so…huge. It took Naboo a while to want to be involved in it, that's why it was just me and Vince to start off with…"

"Stop. Please."

"What?"

"Julian, you're sick, this is insane…"

"But it isn't, Julia! And I can prove it!" Howard reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He held it out for her to see. Hand shaking slightly, she took it.

Driving licence: Howard Moon.

Credit cards: Howard Moon.

Pictures of her, Walter and Arthur.

Pictures of Noel and mike, dressed like Vince and Naboo.

Pictures of the Nabootique, only it looked like a real shop.

A picture of Dave dressed like Bollo standing next to Naboo… Only it wasn't Dave. She could see that. It was a real gorilla.

Julia looked up at him, mouth open. "Oh my God…"

"I'm so sorry, Julia. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I...we weren't sure how long we were going to be stuck here. Then I fell in love with you, and it got serious, and by that point it was too late to say anything…"

"You're…you're from another world?"

"Yes."

"But…"

Howard glanced at his watch. "Julia, please. I don't have long."

"What do you mean?"

"Naboo promised us 8 hours before the return portal opens. I've already used up almost 6."

"This is mad…"

"Are the boys here?"

"No, they're…at a friends."

"Oh." Howard felt a wave of sadness wash over him. He was never going to see his children. "What about you? Have you…is there anyone else?"

"Not at the moment."

"But there has been."

Julia looked up at him, sharply. "It's been 8 years. What did you expect?"

"Sorry."

"What about you?"

He looked at her. "There's never been anyone else." He said, softly.

"Oh, God…" she whispered. Then the front door opened and two young boys rushed in.

"Hi, mum! Bye, mum!" they yelled, as they ran up the stairs. A young-ish woman walked into the kitchen.

"Sorry, Julia, but Katherine got sick and I…Julia? You ok?" she looked from Julia to Howard who, at the sound of the door, had quickly stood up and faced the wall so all she could see was his back. Julia hastily wiped her eyes.

"I'm fine, Ellie. Really. This is…a friend. You…you can go, I'm fine, really…"

"Ok…" 'Ellie' sounded unconvinced, but she left anyway. Once the coast was clear, Howard sat back down at the table.

"They sound like a handful." He said, smiling slightly.

"Yeah." She looked at him. "They look like you."

"Really?" Howard couldn't stop a grin from spreading over his face. His boys, who looked like him... "Can I see them?"

"No."

"Wha…why not?"

"Julian…sorry, Howard…you said yourself that you're not staying. Those boys believe their daddy is dead, I refuse to let you come back into their lives for an hour before you disappear again."

Howard hung his head. He knew what she was saying was true, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"I think you should go." Julia said, quietly. He nodded.

"Goodbye, Julia."

"Goodbye…Howard."

"Walter and Arthur; tell them…tell them I came back. Please. When they're older. And tell them I will always love them."

"Ok."

"And I'll always love you."

She wiped away fresh tears, before going over to him and pressing an almost harsh kiss to his mouth. "Goodbye."

"Bye, Julia."

Howard felt like his heart was breaking as he set off back up the street. He reached the corner and paused.

No.

This was unbearable.

He couldn't do this.

Not again.

Howard turned and ran back down the road, pounding at the front door. Julia opened it almost instantly, still trying to dry her eyes.

"Come with me." Howard said, before she'd had time to open her mouth.

"Wh-what?"

"Come with me. You, Walter and Arthur. Come with me."

"I…I can't…"

"Why not?"

"The…the boys have friends here…"

"They're 9 Julia, they'll get over it."

"…and school…"

"There are schools in the Boosh world."

"…what about my job…"

Howard flung his arms in the air. "It doesn't matter! You can get another job, or you can work in the Nabootique, or anything! This stuff doesn't matter, Julia! I need you."

"We…we can't. I'm sorry, Ju…Howard. I can't just leave!"

"Julia, I love you. I love you, and I love the boys. And I can't leave you again, I can't. I'm not strong enough! If you won't come back with me…" he took a deep breath and stepped closer to her, "…then I'm staying here with you."


Vince stood at the end of the alleyway nervously, looking around for Howard.

After his conversation with Howard, he'd decided to go and see Dee. Her face when she'd opened the door and seen him…

It had gone pretty much how he'd expected. She'd cried, he'd cried, she'd screamed at him, he'd tried to explain, she'd hit him, he'd tried to calm her down…eventually she'd calmed enough for him to talk to her properly. And they'd at least parted as friends, he was glad at that. It gave him closure…

Where was Howard? Vince glanced at the clock on his phone and saw that it was only 20 minutes until the portal was meant to reopen.

Vince couldn't help feeling a little upset about Dee though. She'd really settled into married life in a way he'd never imagined she would. It could have been with me. He thought, unhappily. There was no doubt in his mind that, had he stayed, he and Dee would still be together.

He looked at the clock again. 10 minutes. What the hell was Howard playing at?

Still, maybe that was for the best. He had hated lying to Dee, but the longer the relationship had gone on; the harder it had become to tell her the truth. And he couldn't have married her with a false name…

Eight minutes.

Five minutes.

Vince began to feel a nervous, panicky feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Three minutes.

Two minutes.

Oh God. Howard wasn't coming…

One minute.

He really wasn't coming. Vince was stunned. Howard wasn't coming. He'd trapped him here, forever, just like he promised he wouldn't…

"Vince!"

He spun round and saw Howard racing up the road towards him, closely followed by Julia and two small boys, all of whom clutched bags. "I didn't think you were coming!" he shouted back.

"Promised I would!"

The second Howard reached him; the portal erupted into existence as though it had been waiting. Maybe it had.

"This is it!" Howard said, taking Julia's hand. "You ready?"

"No." she said.

Howard reached out and also took Walter's hand. "Vince, could you hold Arthur's hand?"

He did. Arthur instantly reached out and also held on to his mother's hand, dropping his bag which Vince picked up for him.

"You ok, little man?" Howard asked, concerned. Vince looked unusually pale.

"Yeah. I saw Dee."

"Oh." Howard didn't need any more explanation. "Ok. One…two…"

"Noel! Vince!"

They all whirled round to see a figure tearing up the road towards them as if her life depended on it. Vince's eyes almost dropped out of his head. "D-Dee?!"

He ran to meet her and she flung her arms around his neck. "Dee, what're you doing here?!" he asked in disbelief.

"I can't lose you, not again."

"I have to go…"

"I want to come with you."

Vince stared at her in blank shock. "You can't."

"Why not?"

"You're married, Dee."

"I know I am and, oh God, I am such a bitch. I love Mark, I do, but he's not you! He was there for me after you disappeared, and we just got closer…but I don't love him like I love you!"

"You…you won't ever be able to come back here…"

"I know that. I know that! I don't care." She grabbed the front of his shirt and looked into his face. "I don't care!"

Vince looked at her. "Dee, please think about this…"

"I have! Ever since you left…"

"Vince! We've got two minutes!"

Vince looked over at Howard. Sure enough, the portal was looking a lot fainter than it had before. "I…I don't know what to do!"

"Look at me!" Dee demanded. Vince turned back to her. "I understand what I'm doing! I'm nearly 40 for crying out loud! I'm old enough to make my own decisions! You disappeared for 8 years, you owe me big time, so don't you dare tell me what I can and cannot do, understand?"

Vince stared at her unblinking for over 10 seconds. Then a huge grin slowly lit up his face. "Ok then! Let's go!" he grabbed her hand and together they ran back over to the portal.

"Ok, can we leave now?" Howard asked, mock-crossly. "Don't need to wait for anyone else?"

"Just get in the portal, you jazzy spanner."

Together, the six of them walked into the portal and vanished.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Bloody hell!"

Howard was dimly aware of the person talking. He forced himself to sit up and pay attention. He was back on the floor of the Nabootique and the entire shaman council plus Naboo and Bollo were all staring at him. "What?"

"You brought them back then?" Naboo said.

"Yep!" Howard turned to look at Julia and the boys, all of whom looked like they might throw up. Julia lifted her head and looked at all the shaman council in turn, mouth open. Dee was doing pretty much the same thing, clutching Vince's hand tightly. Howard scrambled to his feet and grinned down at them.

"Julia. Dee. Welcome," he spread his arms out wide and indicated the entire shop plus everyone in it, "to the world of the Mighty Boosh!"

"Lovely!" snapped Saboo. "Now, can we please get out of here before these ball bags make us re-open the portal to fetch their cat or something?"

One month later

"Vince! You were supposed to have been watching the twins!"

Vince looked up at Naboo. "I am!"

"Right, so why's Arthur playing with that?"

Vince looked. "Chill out, Naboo, it's just a bottle!"

"It's got a demon in it!"

"Oh. Oops." Vince took the bottle away from the small boy, who pouted at him before losing interest and running off to find Bollo. "Don't tell Howard, he'd kill me!"

"Where is Howard?"

"Dunno. Said he needed a break. Left me and Dee in charge of the shop!"

Naboo glanced over at Dee, who was sitting with her feet on the counter reading a magazine. "Yeah, I can see you're working really hard!"

"It's not like we have customers!"

"And what if we did? It's not good for sales, Vince!"

"What do you mean, 'not good for sales'?! We're great shopkeepers, we lure people in! We've got the right look! People will come in here just to see our outfits…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Howard smiled to himself from his vantage point on the roof as he listened to the commotion coming from the shop. It was always like that now, never quiet. He supposed he should probably move into his own place with Julia; a small 3 bedroom flat really wasn't big enough for 8 people.

But Howard sort of liked the noise, unless he was trying to listen to jazz…

"Hey."

He turned his head to see Julia emerging from the skylight. "Hey."

She sat down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "I still can't believe this is real, you know. I keep expecting to wake up and find you're still dead and I have to go back to normality and work!"

Howard laughed and turned his attention back to the view. "Normality? No such thing."

"Hmm."

As they sat and watched the sun slowly set and the moon appear in the sky, Howard didn't think he could be any happier. He was finally where he wanted to be. He turned his head to Julia, and she turned to face him. He smiled, just gazing into her eyes. It was the perfect moment.

Which wasn't even spoilt when the moon started rambling on about cats and ice cream.


End! Hoped you liked it! I did think about being angsty, but I decided not to bully them and give everyone a happy ending!

(And I am rubbish at writing the Moon, which is why he has no dialogue! Else I would write something about cats and ice cream!)