A series of short stories explaining how Britain may have reacted to certain developments in the news, be they historical or modern. The stories will jump about significantly, so take note of the chapter title.
How Britain may have reacted to the news of Prince William's engagement.
Please review to let me know what you think and to let me know if there is any particular historical (or modern) event you would like me to cover.
British terms that may not be understood by non-Brits are explained at the end.
Royal wedding: Prince William to marry Kate Middleton
16th November 2010
"Oh," began Britain, "Good for them. It's about time really."
Britain wasn't really surprised by the news. After all, the couple had been seeing each other for a long time and had clearly waited a while to publically announce the news. Due to his close ties to the Royal Family, Britain had long been aware of whisperings of such an engagement but the first he properly heard of it was in a press conference. Whilst it would be wrong to say that he hadn't been expecting the news, it would be an even greater lie to assume that he had not been, at least a little, caught off guard by the announcement.
Prince William, second in the line of succession, was engaged to be married to Kate Middleton, who, through some bizarre quirk, would become known as Catherine once wed to the Prince. At the conference, Kate was wearing the very same engagement ring worn by the Prince's mother, the much-loved Princess Diana. The sentiment was certainly a sweet one: the Prince wished his mother to be present at the wedding, even if only in spirit. The news was greeted with a range of responses and even Britain himself felt a mixture of anticipation, apathy and a distinct lack of surprise.
The anticipation struck immediately. A Royal Wedding of such an important member of the Royal Family would certainly warrant a Bank Holiday, and they were always good. There had been many silent rumblings, usually quickly silenced by moderates, about what use or purpose the Royal Family was serving. They now had their answer. The Royal Family was a fantastic excuse to have days off for no (real) good reason. God Bless the Royal Family and the wonderful Bank Holidays they provide.
Apathy, certainly, was the greatest and most heart-felt of emotions pertaining to the news. Prince William was getting married? Okay, cool. When questioned further, people would normally just agree that they didn't really care. As for the lack of surprise, that was particularly noticeable. There was certainly a little surprise at the apparent suddenness at which the announcement had been made but as many people had remarked, it was really 'about bloody time' the couple got married.
"So, what do you think?"
Bollocks! panicked Britain mentally, He's stopped talking?
"You were listening, weren't you, England?"
His current bosses, of which there were two (technically three), may have been problematic and confusing for Britain, were the younger of his two bosses not such an incorrigible pushover. It was the older of the two who had been giving Britain some lecture about the Royal Wedding which he was supposed to be listening to but didn't really want to. He was sure that somewhere the words 'street party' and 'red tape' had been mentioned but he didn't really care. He found that his bosses invoked very little emotion in the British people beyond complete apathy or a keen sense of deep betrayal.
"I'm sorry, Prime Minister," replied Britain, "I didn't quite catch all of that."
"You ought to listen to me," declared the prime minister proudly, "What I was saying is that I'm going to tell local government to stop being such spoilsports and to cut red tape so that more people can have street parties. Well? What do you think?"
"I'm thinking, that I don't really like any of my neighbours, certainly wouldn't want to have a party with them," began Britain, whose list for not wanting a street party vastly outweighed what few advantages he managed to scrape together, "And that if I want to go shopping on the one day I get off, I won't be able to get my car out of the road."
"So you don't want to have a street party to celebrate the wedding?" asked the prime minister, his voice indicating that the very concept was a strange and alien one.
"Not really, no."
"But… but you had one for the coronation!" stuttered the incumbent prime minister, his voice loaded full of surprise, shock and just a little bit of horror.
This was true. Britain could not deny this. He had had street parties on many different occasions. He'd had parties for coronations, jubilees, royal weddings and he even had a party after the Allies had kicked Germany's arse and won the war. Now, however, he found that though he undoubtedly had vague interest in the wedding, the idea of a street party didn't appeal to him in the slightest. Even the idea that it would be made easier to do so refused to motivate him towards warming to the idea. Why though? Why was he so apathetic on this occasion?
Well, contrary to what his boss seemed to think, Britain had changed; admittedly, the change was so slight as to be nearly unnoticeable, but it was there nonetheless. Even without red tape, street parties were unappealing at best. Virtually every residential area had roads chock full of cars that would likely need to be free to move about at all times, particularly on a Bank Holiday. Additionally, (though his boss seemed to have forgotten this) many roads were key routes for the emergency services or were so dogged by speed bumps as to make a street party a practical impossibility.
Aside from the red tape which could not be removed as it was the dreaded Health and Safety red tape, Britain's final observation as to the lack of interest in street parties lay in English behaviour. It ought to be well known that a lot of English people (the Scottish and Welsh, and even Northern Irish do not seem to suffer the same affliction) seem to be ever so slightly socially inept. It is awkward to start a conversation except when certain conditions arise, and it is then assumed that the conversation will cease entirely.
Conversations with neighbours are often an awkward greeting of 'hello' and may progress onto more in depth areas of conversation if the two neighbours are fairly well acquainted. With a very close neighbour, an Englishman may feel secure enough to speak of how his children (if he has any) are progressing through school, though this will often be filled with derogatory statements at the child's expense. Only very very close neighbours will ever be invited inside for a cup of tea or something similar. Thus is demonstrated the real reason why the British do not want street parties: they could not bear the social awkwardness that such an event would incur. (It is important to note that the other reasons provided are simply brilliant excuses, covering up the real reason).
"Yeah, okay, er," Britain, finally realising that he hadn't actually replied to his boss yet, decided to fob him off instead, "I'll think about it."
His boss frowned. This boss, David Cameron, was of the Conservative party, one with which Britain was well acquainted. Britain had rather mixed feelings towards his new prime minister. He regarded the PM as a bit of a toff*: the prime minister had had the very best that the British education system had to offer (having attended the very-not-public public school* Eton College and Oxford University). Despite this assumption, and a very strong degree of scepticism involving Cameron's true motivations, Britain believed to a large extent that the harsh cuts he was facing were entirely for 'his own good'.
"If you're going to have one," whispered his second boss, "Would you invite me over?"
"No."
"Oh," frowned the often invisible deputy prime minister, "Okay."
Britain did not like Nick Clegg. He used to. In fact, he rather thought that Nick Clegg's third party would stand a pretty good chance of making a breakthrough in 2010, but (unsurprisingly) the youth vote was busy and left it to the last minute. When the result came out as a Hung Parliament, Britain rather expected that the Liberal Democrats would be friends with Labour, as the two were so ideologically similar. When the Lib Dems* teamed up with the Tories* and then kowtowed to the bigger party's every wish, Britain quickly grew to despise Nick Clegg. The deputy prime minister had betrayed Britain's trust and such a betrayal would not go unnoticed.
"Have a good think about it," ordered David Cameron, "Ok?"
"Sure."
Britain was very glad once they'd left his house. He'd be even more glad when they finally left for good, particularly as the PM was probably just going off to fly to another land and publically embarrass the nation in front of another country. It was a skill that David Cameron possessed that would be wholesomely impressive if it wasn't so insanely embarrassing. Britain could only hope that Cameron wouldn't say anything before the World Meeting tomorrow. Britain was having enough problems trying to sort out a deal with France*, without having to cope with the consequences of Cameron's vocal mishaps.
I found that, despite it being some of the best news we'd heard that year, the vast majority of us weren't really all that bothered by the news. None of us were really all that surprised either: they had to get engaged at some point, really. It was only really the royalists who were overjoyed about the news. Though, I should cover my own back and say that these are still very generalistic sweeping statements and may not apply to all Brits.
* toff: derogatory British term used to describe the aristocracy, upper-class people or really insufferably posh people
* public school: is used synonymously with private schools, whereas schools run by the state are always referred to as state schools
* Lib Dems: abbreviated form of the Liberal Democrats (a central but left-leaning party)
* Tories: meant as a derogatory term when utilised by Labour (previously socialist, more central party nowadays) supporters though also recognised as an acceptable abbreviation of the Conservatives (right-wing party with the occasional very right-wing nutcase)
* this refers to an agreement between French and British Armed Services to work together and share certain things, such as air carriers and stuff
