Hi there! I know this took forever to post and I'm very sorry about that. But finals are coming up, so the next update might take as long as three weeks, just to let you know.

As always, THANK YOU TO INFINITY AND BEYOND FOR READING.


December 21, 2010

I write it all down. That's what I do; that's what I have always done. Even after pulling a Renee and getting the fuck out of Boulder, Colorado, I care more then he will ever understand, and so I write it all down.

I didn't mean for him to love me, and I certainly didn't mean to love him back.

At least I made it until graduation. I finished my creative writing major and my English lit minor a semester early before I left my home.

I'm more like my mother then I'm willing to admit.

A long time ago, he wanted to marry me. He wanted me to move in with him. He wanted forever. He said he could feel me slipping away and he wanted to save me, love me, fix me.

Silly boy. I told him when we were eighteen, that I'm beyond fixing. I will never be what he deserves. I will never be good enough to hold him. It would've only been a matter of time before he figured it out and left me too.

Because everybody leaves eventually— myself included.

It was part self-preservation. Commitment and forever freak me the fuck out. But I left for Edward too. I would ruin him, and he's so kind and good and smart. He needs someone worthy of him.

He was willing to put off med school for me.

So I left.

He hates me now, I'm sure. I certainly do not hate him.

My time away has been half self-destruction, half healing. I hope that once I explain, once he knows everything, he will forgive me. While I was away, I learned that I'm not Renee. She constantly feels the urge to wander. The entire time I was gone, it felt like there were giant elastic bands around my heart, pulling me back home to Boulder. The closer I get to home, the more the pressure eases.

I don't know exactly what I want or how to go about getting it, but I know that I'm done trying to live without Edward Cullen.

I try his apartment in Lodo first. The neighborhood in downtime Denver is hip and not somewhere I thought Edward would live. Though I was fairly out of touch with everyone, I still had my contacts. It was Angela who gave me his address. He lives here with Ben now. I don't like that even this has changed, but Denver is only thirty miles from home, so it really isn't that big of a deal.

Ben opens the door, and gapes at me in shock. I smile at him, and affectionately muss up his hair.

"'Sup, dude?" I say in greeting as I try to get a glimpse of my boy in the apartment. I long to see him and touch him, but I can't feel his presence. It's hard work to keep my face chipper while I internally freak out. I worry that it's too late. The shivers are gone. If my trip had its desired effects of severing this connection once and for all, I might die on the spot.

"Holy shit, Bella." Ben's voice is pleasant, but his smile doesn't reach his eyes. We were never particularly close, and he's obviously Edward's friend first. "I can't believe… we never thought you… he isn't here."

I'm partly disappointed that I will have to wait longer to see him, but mostly I feel relief that the shivers aren't necessarily lost forever.

"Can I wait?" I spent the majority of the last three days on a bus and could really use a nap. The leather couch behind Ben is very appealing.

"I don't think he's planning on coming home tonight," Ben says, looking uncomfortable.

My heart and stomach both disappear. I lock my knees to keep from swaying and clench my jaw to keep from vomiting.

Does Edward have a girlfriend? Did my plan work? Did he move on? Oh God, please let me have failed. I'll do something crazy if I see a woman's hands all over him.

"Jake's having a party," Ben rushes to explain, as I no doubt turn green. "I think Edward will just end up crashing in Boulder."

It looks like I will be braving one more bus ride this evening. I don't mind at all because I will finally be going home. The tension in these elastic bands pulling on my heart will finally ease.

It's the longest thirty minutes of my life. Finally the bus climbs the final hill before making the decent into Boulder Valley. During the day, the whole town is on display with the towering mountains behind it. I close my eyes and picture it.

I go to Billy's first. The man who basically saved my life is asleep, but I still have my key. I drop the duffle that contains all my worldly possessions on the couch and take in the familiar surroundings for a moment before I leave again. With a final fond glance at my ancient Chevy parked at the side of the house, I set off for Jake's.

The house is throbbing and alive with activity. People are everywhere, drunk, wild, and celebrating the end of the semester and the beginning of the holiday season. I slip in unnoticed, glad that no one I know stops me.

There's only one man I want, and I feel him before I see him.

The elastic bands have not relaxed completely, even though I am home, and I let them pull me to the living room. Excitement explodes in my chest when I take in the bronze-penny hair and outline of his back in a flannel shirt.

I revel in my wholeness, silently observing him. I've yet to see his face, and already I'm complete. I'll never leave him again. I hope it's not too late.

And then I notice the little whore fluttering all over my boy.

I could leave again, disappearing without him being any the wiser. If he's happy now, without me, I can do it. But I can see by his rigid posture that he's not down with the attentions of the fake blonde at his side.

I gave up all rights to him the moment I first stuck out my thumb on I-25 two years ago, but that doesn't change the surge of irrational jealously and possessiveness I feel.

I should never have left him.

The need to touch him is overwhelming, so I do. With a tentative hand on his shoulder, I glare at the slut next to him as he relaxes under my touch. He still doesn't look at me, and I can tell by the slight sway in his shoulders that he's drunk.

Good. Alcohol can only make this easier.

I dispatch the blonde with ease before finally turning to face him. His green eyes are closed but his face is serene. I melt inside and try not to cry. My heart hurts with how much I miss him.

I can tell by the faces he makes as I talk that he desperately wants to remain unaffected by my reappearance. But he has never been able to pull off apathy.

I prey he doesn't totally hate me as I grab his hand and pull him outside. I need to get him away from Jake, who doesn't look happy to see me at all. In the back of my mind, Jake's anger registers as fucking weird, but I am too focused on Edward's hand in mine to care about anything else really.

The snow on the ground is lovely, and I don't even mind that the cold and wet has seeped into the toes of my sneakers.

So far, he has only said my name quietly to himself. His lack of communication makes me nervous. I thought he would be angry. I thought he would yell and rant and rave, and I would calm him down with really great sex before telling him all about my travels. I have written out the script for our reunion a thousand times in the last two years. In each, he always starts enraged. He is soothed by make-up sex, and after he wraps me in the safety of his arms and tells me he loves me.

His silence, combined with the fact that he has yet to touch me, makes me think I'm too late.

He asks me if I have fucked anyone, and I don't answer. Stupid questions don't deserve answers.

I'm so relieved when he finally pulls me to him and kisses me. I've lived off the memory of his last kiss for too long and he breathes life into me again.

I can kiss Edward for the rest of forever. For the first time, such thoughts and desires don't scare me out of my skin.

Somehow, we're back to the house on Goss, and we're in his bed and he's inside of me. It's like two years never happened. He makes me come over and over again and I know that everything will be all right.

This man loves me and always will. I know that I have fucked up in the past. I know that I have made a thousand mistakes regarding our relationship. But I'm done denying us. I'll find away to make it up to him, but for now we just need to physically reaffirm our love.

I drift off, thinking of everything I want to say to him in the light of day. There have been very few words between us, but he has to know how I feel. Never before I have I let him make love to me like that. He has to know that I have changed.

I wake up naked and alone in a big, cold bed.

Nothing of Edward or I remains in this room. Even the sheets and pillows are different. In the light of day, it looks like we never existed here at all.

Edward is gone, and for the first time I understand the enormity of the choice I made to leave two years ago. I feel what Edward felt, and I know that there will be no getting back to where we once were.

I stare vacantly at the unnaturally blank walls of Edward's old room as my heart breaks, I retrieve the battered leather bound notebook Edward gave me for my twentieth birthday from my purse, writing desperately.

There has to be a key to getting Edward back hidden somewhere in our past. So I keep writing it all down. I always write it all down.

August 16, 2004

It is pretty much a total fucking miracle that I even fucking made it to college in the first place. I have the brains and the grades, just not the monetary means or the stable family life.

But then my mom came back to Boulder, married to the endlessly rich Phil.

I don't want to take his money and I don't want to forgive Renee for her many sins, but I've always dreamed about going to the college that resides on the hill above my neighborhood and there is no way that is going to happen without letting her back into my life.

A college education is precious to me. Which is why I resolved to not fuck it up with what Jake calls my 'usual antics'. That means less booze, less pot, no drugs, and no random fucks.

I'm thrilled to see that all my declarations for self-improvement lasted all of one fucking day.

One day after move in and I already I'm waking up to a strange body. Light is flooding in from somewhere, burning my retinas even before I opened my eyes. The last thing I remember from the night before is getting drunk at Sam's, fighting with Jake, and leaving mad with a flask full of tequila for the road.

Shit, this boy feels nice. My head is pillowed on his shoulder, content in the circle of his arms. Normally I peace out right after the dirty stuff and when I do stay there is definitely not cuddling. Bella Swan is not a fucking cuddler.

The absurdity of it all is enough motivation for me to open my eyes and shuffle away from the warm body next to me. I sit with my back against the wall and look down at the latest to get in my pants.

Goddamn, he is absolutely gorgeous. I give drunk Bella a high-five in my head. Usually that slutty bitch is not so discerning.

Unique and entrancing bronze hair, (I always did have a thing for the gingers) straight aristocratic nose, long eyelashes, and a perfect chiseled jaw. He looks so peaceful and young and innocent and good.

Except he isn't a fucking prince charming, he is a douchy college freshman who didn't mind fucking a girl who is completely black out wasted. Asshole.

Suddenly rip roaring mad, I poke him in the cheek, determined to get some answers.

"What the—" he mutters after 4 solid pokes. He opens his eyes and his jaw drops when he takes me in, glaring down at him.

This whole thing is such a departure from protocol for me- the spending the night, the cuddling, the waking him up. Normally I would tip toed out of her, disappearing into the bright Colorado morning.

Something about how good it feels to be held by him combined with his deceptive nice guy looks is causing me to act like a crazy person.

"Who the fuck are you," I sneer. "And did I at least enjoy it?"

He just continues to gape at me, the shock apparent in his moss green eyes. Damn, they are pretty.

"I—Uh—"

"Come on Adonis," I encourage, snapping my fingers. "I gots places to be."

"It's Edward actually," he finally manages to sputter at me. Even with his nerves, his voice is like velvet and has my traitorous lady bits a flutter. "And there was nothing to enjoy."

I simply raise an eyebrow. What the fuck does that mean?

"I uh… we didn't... nothing happened."

"Then how did I end up half naked in your bed, Edward?" The bed is really tiny and even from my sitting position, our legs overlap.

"I think you thought this was your room last night," he explains in one rushed breath. "You stormed in, took off your shirt, and climbed into my bed."

"Huh." That is just fucking excellent.

"Nothing happened and then you fell asleep and I just didn't know what else to do. I didn't touch you, I swear."

Aw, he is so nervous and adorable. Perhaps he truly is the gentleman I originally pegged him for. I can't help smiling at him for a moment and he smiles back. But we seem to be having some sort of moment and that simply will not do.

Bella Swan doesn't do emotions or feelings or any of that relationship crap. Period.

"Well, this is embarrassing," I announce, crawling over him and hopping out of bed. I glance down at my body, glad that at least I'm wearing a nice bra. My itty bitty mini skirt has ridden up and is resting around my belly button. A whole lot of skin is exposed and I catch Edward staring before he awkwardly clears his throat, looking away.

Sighing heavily, I yank the skirt roughly down my hips. I locate my shirt and spend far more time right-siding it then I would have liked. I can feel the intensity of Edward's stare and it's making me uncomfortable.

This is so fucking embarrassing. My cheeks seem to be eternally glowing and I hope he doesn't notice.

"Listen, thanks for letting me crash here. Sorry about that. I'm sure I was a drunken mess last night, if the pounding in my head is any indication." I'm pleased that I sound unaffected when in reality, I just want to fall over and die from the mortification of it all.

Stupid, fucking, idiot drunk Bella.

Edward sits up, swinging his legs off the side of his bed. He's wearing only a pair of drawstring pants and I take a moment to enjoy the view of his long, lean torso, sculpted abs, and delicious v cut that is probably my favorite thing about the opposite sex.

I am momentarily sad that drunk Bella didn't get any last night, but then I chastise myself for breaking my own fucking rules.

"No problem," he replies, looking uncomfortable as I finally pull my shirt on and move to locate my shoes and purse.

"And thank you for not…" I pause, choosing my words carefully. He seems too nice and sweet, if not somewhat sheltered. "Taking advantage. I really appreciate it. I'm glad I wandered into your room and not the room of someone less… gentlemanly."

His face blooms into an absolutely panty dropping, crooked smile and for a moment I wish I could stay.

"I am glad of that too," he replies quietly.

We look at each other for a moment before I find myself getting all soft. I have to fucking get the fuck out of here; already he makes me feel too much. I must still be a little drunk.

"Right," I say, stepping into my boots and shouldering my bag. "Thanks again Edward. Have a good life."

I turn to leave, but before I reach the door Edward is in front of me, blocking my escape route. I look around the room, noticing that it is the same layout as my own dorm room that I have yet to spend the night in.

"Yes Edward? Can I help you with something?" I ask, my voice dripping with sarcasm and distain as I glare at him.

"What is your name?"

I sigh, trying to find a way around him. But he has a good foot in height on me and is much wider. I ain't leaving unless he lets me. I don't like this at all, but the guy has been really decent to me. Even if he didn't relocate to the empty bed in the corner. Plus, the University of Colorado is a huge school. What were the chances I will see him again?

"Bella," I reply shortly.

"Bella?" he asks, wanting my last name.

"Bella Swan, now will you please get the fuck out of my way? I wouldn't want to impose on your hospitality any longer."

"Bella Swan," he says, smiling as he extends his hand to mine. I place my fingers in his and he raises my hand to his lips. What a little charmer. I 'm not used to shit like that and it has me blushing. Dammit. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Edward Cullen."

Holy fucking shit, we are having another moment. I need to get my bitch on and make it clear that I will never be seeing him again.

"Right. Can you please fucking move now?"

"Have breakfast with me."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please? You owe me for providing shelter."

"I really shouldn't…"

"Bella Swan, I just want the opportunity to get to know the woman who spent the night in my bed. Is that so crazy?"

Yes, it's fucking crazy. Boys, aside from the pack I've known since I moved to Boulder at age 11, never want to get to know me. Unless it's in the biblical sense, of course.

This Edward fellow is dangerous. He has me balking. He has me wanting to talk to him. And though my brain is screaming at me to abort, I really, really wanted to stay with him, even if it's only for a while longer.

And that alone is the very reason why I have to get the fuck out of here.

"Please?" He is begging me with his eyes as well and has somehow managed to bring his face close to mine without my noticing. My eyes jump to his lips and I blush a-fucking-gain.

I am just about to tell him to go fuck himself when suddenly the door behind him opens, smacking into Edward's back, and sending him flying into me. We both go down like a ton of bricks, limbs intertwined, foreheads clunking together. His hips land in the cradle of my thighs and all of our goodies are perfectly lined up. We both inhale sharply and stare at each other, lust and electricity crackling between us.

"Damn son," says a tall, lanky boy in a southern accent. "Sorry to interrupt. Way to go, didn't know you had it in ya."

Edward scrambles off me before extending a hand and pulling me to my feet. We stand side by side, taking in the couple now standing before us. My eyes widen as I see the tiny girl standing next to the freaking cowboy. She is very, very familiar, even if I just met her yesterday.

"Edward?" she asks, looking equally surprised as I am.

"Alice?" Edward practically shouts, sounding downright pissed. An unfamiliar emotion I later identify as jealously courses through me. I have to know how they fucking know each other and I feel irrationally possessive of Adonis.

"Edward?" asks the tall boy, looking perplexed.

"Jasper!" Edward growls, looking shockingly dangerous and incredibly sexy as he glares at who I assume is the roommate.

"Jesus," Alice mutters, covering her face with her hands and shaking her head.

"Alice?" Jasper asks, crouching over my roommate, looking concerned.

"Bella?" Alice asks, noticing me for the first time, peaking through her fingers. "Edward?" she continues, looking between the two of us and grinning.

"Alice!" Edward demands, still glaring at Jasper. "Alice is the girl whose brains you were planning to fuck out of yesterday? Alice?"

Alice and Jasper both blush, before Jasper collects himself.

"Yeah, what's it to you, asshole?"

"She is my sister. My twin sister, you fucker!"

Twin. I feel so fucking stupid for my misplaced jealousy.

"Oh snap," I exclaim, enthralled with the soap opera like drama unfolding before me. The yelling is escalating and I watch with avid attention.

"Edward," Alice says, stepping forward. "Will you please calm down?"

"Calm? You want me to fucking calm!" He sputters incoherently for a moment. "I'm calling Emmett."

"You will fucking not, Edward Anthony!" my roommate shouts. I don't really know Alice very well. I've pretty much avoided her since I moved in and she demanded we color coordinate, handed me some sort of 'get to know you' quiz, and declared that we would be the best of friends.

No thank you.

I don't do girlfriends either. They are too much drama. Ever since the Rosalie Hale incident of 2002, I've avoided my own gender like the motherfucking plague.

And though I don't know Alice, I never guessed that the fashionable little thing with the pixie cut and the supermodel wardrobe can make so much noise. I also don't expect her to launch herself at her tall twin brother and attempt to wrestle the phone from his grasp.

I take advantage of their combined distraction and slip unnoticed out the door. I rest my head against it, close my eyes, and pray that my little night escapade has not brought a shit ton of drama into my new college life.

My phone vibrating in my purse brings me back to reality.

"Yo Jakey! What is up, biznach?" I say after digging for a moment.

"Where the hell are you Bells? I'm pounding away on your door and no one's answering," he replies, his voice gruff and annoyed. "We're supposed to meet Quil and Embry for breakfast and we're fucking late."

"Yeah, didn't actually make it home," I say, confused as I do a quick survey of my surroundings. It sure as fuck looks like my hall, everything is exactly the fucking same. It's then I remember that my floor is made up with identical wings, one for the girls and one for the boys, joined in the center by a common room.

This makes me feel slightly better. At least I'm not a complete fucking lunatic. It's an honest mistake. Also, I know exactly how to get back, so that's a plus.

"Where did you end up?"

"Oh not far Jakey," I say, working my way back to the girls side. "I'm pretty fucking close."

"You dirty slut," he says, chuckling. "What happened to college Bella?"

"College hasn't officially started yet, in defense to myself." I round the corner and take in all six foot seven of my best friend, leaning against my closed door. He turns at the sound of my boots on the hard carpet, grinning. We close our phones at the same time and I run at him, giggling as he picks me up.

Jake is my saving grace.

He lived down the street from Renee and I when we first moved to Boulder from Phoenix. My mom dragged me all over half the country when I was a kid. We left my dad in the sleepy town of Forks, Washington when I wasn't even 3 yet. She was restless and we moved and moved and moved. She's such a flower child and I thought she found home with her fellow hippies in Boulder. We loved it here among the mountains and I thrived at age eleven. I met Jake and Renee was giving art lessons. We were in Boulder for a year before I started to get comfortable. After two years, I thought we were in the clear. We never stayed anywhere for more then six months before. I thought we finally found home. But just after my fourteenth birthday, I came home to find our bags packed. We fought for hours, I refused to leave.

Renee unpacked, but our relationship never recovered. She started disappearing for days at a time, bringing home slews of random men, and hosting wild drug induced parties. All the warning signs were there, so I shouldn't have been so shocked when I came home from school one day when I was sixteen to find my mother gone and a note simply saying "I am sorry" wrapped around a wad of money.

Thank God for my truck. I bought it the day I got my license from Billy Black. I've been working in his auto shop for years, earning money and I gave most of it back to him that day.

The Chevy became my new home. When it was warm, I slept in the cab, bathing in Boulder creek like the good little hippy child I am. When it was cold, I snuck in through Jake's window and sought out his warmth. Billy found me naked and wrapped around his son a cold December night and let me sleep on the couch after that.

Things got better. I started to forget that my mother and best friend abandoned me. I hung out with Jake and Quil and Embry and Paul and Sam. I worked for Billy. I got good grades and was determined to graduate high school even if my dream of going to CU would never become a reality. I finished junior year and was well on my way to finishing senior year when Renee came back, married and begging for forgiveness.

I never moved in with them in their big fancy house up the canyon, but I willingly attend dinner twice a week, whoring myself out to get college paid for. It's Renee's way of asking for forgiveness.

So at the last possible moment, I bailed on my plans to move in with Jake after graduation, opting instead to move into the dorms with all the other incoming freshmen and making a few personal changes. Jake isn't happy and for that I'm sorry. I would have never survived without Jake.

My heart has hardened since the abandonment of my mother and I learned the valuable lesson that no one stays forever. The only person I can depend on is myself and although Jake is still a huge part of my life, I know I would be ok without him too. I wouldn't be happy, but I would survive.

I'm obviously unlovable. My own mother doesn't love me, so why should I bother with anyone else?

I giggle as Jake tugs on a stay lock of my wild hair. People often ask me why Jake and I aren't a couple. And we tried it once upon a time, but that just isn't in the cards for us. Fucking is more comforting then passionate. We discovered each other, helped each other learn. But romance isn't something I could wrap my head around and Jake gets that.

He is my very best friend.

"You're a hot mess, Bells," he says as I pull away. "You should've spent the night."

"You shouldn't have pissed me off asshole," I reply, punching him in the shoulder. "I found somewhere to crash."

"I'm sure you did, slutty mcslutface."

"Like you're one to talk, man whore. And for your information, I didn't even get any last night."

"Whatever. I knew all that college improvement crap wouldn't last."

"Fuck you, Jacob. I'm a lady now."

"Come on lady," he says, pulling on my arm. "The guys are already there and I'm starving."

"Where?"

"Centro."

My tummy growls in approval. Centro has a great happy hour menu and you can get a shit ton of food on weekends for less then six bucks if you were able to get there before eleven, something that is usually quite for my friends.

"Do I have time to change?"

"Fuck no, who are you trying to impress anyway?" Jake demands as he leads me away.

I pout in the direction of my door, wishing that I could have managed to steal a private moment. But Jake is right, none of the guys would notice or care. So I follow Jake, happy to get back to a little normalcy and put the bizarre morning out of my head.


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