Author's Notes: Another one for the Weekly Writer's Challenge; this story's subject was Touhou Noir... I don't think I quite got it right, but it was a best effort for about three hours of writing. I got the final ideas last night while trying to get back to sleep after getting paged for something from last week, and got a little bored at work so I begun writing it. I'll be turning the story from Valentine's Day into one for any of my Touhou shorts that I write for the Challenge.

Disclaimer: Touhou Project is owned by Team Shanghai Alice, whose sole member is ZUN. I only own the words, story, and concept.


The mansion was quiet that night; the owners were not known to be night birds, but the staff was on alert, regardless. The peaceful night was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass; the servants rushed to the scene but all they could perceive was the wind and some clicking sounds.

It was less what they saw after the fact than what they didn't see…


The building wasn't exactly in the best of shape, but you make do with what you could get; the sign on the door said Aki Sisters: Private Investigators. Inside, a dart was thrown at a corkboard on the wall, the target: one of any of the pictures of Gensokyo's most wanted.

The thrower was Minoriko Aki, the younger sister; she missed her target, a photo of the most notorious criminal "The Witch" Kirisame. She said, "Remember when we used to be goddesses? Whatever happened to those times?"

The older sister, Shizuha Aki, sat at her desk with her feet up and her hat over her eyes. "People lost faith; this city may believe in magic, but the gods are a different story. We do what we have to do."

Minoriko threw another dart, hitting the photo of "The Mad Inventor" Kawashiro between the eyes. "Haven't had a case in weeks, though."

Her grumbling seemed to be the answer, as the phone rang in the next instant; while the younger Aki tried to make a grab for it, she tripped on the way, giving the older Aki time to pick it up. "Aki Sisters, this is Shizuha… Yes… Yes ma'am, we're on our way."

She hung up the phone; Minoriko picked herself up and asked, "Who was that?"

Shizuha ignored her and said, "Get ready sis; we've got a case."

Her sister was already out the door; Minoriko rushed after her and shouted, "Where're we headed?"

Without turning around she said, "Eientei."


On the south side of town is a vast estate owned by a local celebrity; some claim she's the princess of a foreign land, others that she has certain less than legal connections. Either way, this was the location of the latest crime in Gensokyo.

The sisters had just arrived at the gate and were awaiting entrance. Minoriko said, "I wonder what happened here?"

Shizuha indicated past the gate towards a figure walking towards them. "We're about to find out."

The figure turned out to be a girl, tallish, with rabbit ears; she looked a little nervous. "Are you the investigators?"

Shizuha nodded. "We're the Aki Sisters; are you the owner-"

She threw her hands forward and quickly said, "No no! I'm just staff here; let me take you to my owner- I mean, mistress!" She started walking back towards the mansion. The sisters looked at each other for a moment before following her in.

The mansion itself was only a moderate size compared to the rest of the estate. It was a traditional Japanese house, looking many centuries old. After wandering down a few corridors they were brought to an office looking place where a large chair stood with its back towards the desk. The chair spun in place to reveal a young looking girl. She gestured towards the two chairs opposite her and said, "Please have a seat."

The sisters obliged and the girl stood up and began talking. "Last night something of great importance was stolen from me; I want you to get it back for me."

With a sideways look to her sister, Minoriko said, "Why call us? Why not report it to the police?"

The girl narrowed her eyes and replied, "I have my reasons for not involving the police."

Shizuha stood up and said, "We'll need to talk to whatever staff were on duty last night; will that be a problem?"

She shook her head, "No problem, in fact, they're waiting in the next room. I've spoken with them already, so I don't know if you'll actually learn anything from them."

The elder sister smiled and bowed. "Thank you; c'mon sis, we got some pets to interrogate."

They found only two people in the next room; the girl that led them into the mansion and a shorter rabbit that was shaking in place. They approached the taller one first and Shizuha opened up with, "Alright, tell me what you know; did you see or hear anything out of the ordinary last night?"

She shook her head and said, "I ran into the room as soon as I heard the glass break; once I got there, it was already gone. I didn't see anything after I got in there… she was closer when it happened."

"Thank you." Shizuha dismissed this one and turned to the other; Minoriko snapped a photo of the girl as she left. When that was over, the elder sister smiled at the shaking rabbit and asked, "So what did you see?"

She looked about the room like it was watching her every move and said, "I- I saw a blur! It was r-really fast and, and it sounded like the wind! Then there was clicking sounds, and then it was all over; they were both gone!" She continued looking about the room nervously.

Shizuha finished writing all of that down; she said, "Thank you; that will do."

She started to gesture to have the girl leave when she grabbed her arm and said, "Do you have any… carrots?"

The older Aki shook the arm off and said, "Scram, kid!" She yelped and ran off. Minoriko walked over and Shizuha said, "Fast as a blur? I know two people like that…" Her sister reached into her pocket and procured a coin. "Heads it's HER, tails it's the other…" The coin was flipped and they stepped back a pace; a shining face could be seen staring back at them.

Minoriko nodded to her sister as she picked her coin back up; her sister said, "Next stop: Bunbunmaru."


Gensokyo had two newspapers and both of them were run out of Tengu village, a small district in the southwest corner of the city. It was close enough to the sisters' office that they had frequent run-ins with both of the 'editors' of those periodicals; as usual this was not going to be a pleasant visit.

Despite all of its lies, Bunbunmaru was a successful newspaper, if only for the frequently true stories about local crime bosses that the public otherwise laughs off due to the outrageousness of the other stories. The sole writer and editor was none other than Aya Shameimaru, quite possibly the fastest person in the whole city, if not the whole country; her only competition being a gardener working in a public park on the north side of town.

When they reached the place, Shizuha nodded to her sister, cracked her knuckles, and proceeded to bust the door open; she shouted, "Alright Shameimaru, cough it up; you were seen so we know it was you."

Aya didn't even get up from her desk; she said, "You got nothin'. I, on the other hand, got the story of the century right here: 'Eientei burgled! Thief disappears in a puff of smoke!'"

Minoriko held her hand up to stop her sister. "Aya; you have photos, don't you?"

She looked up from her story and said, "What makes you think that?"

The younger Aki smiled. "The witness heard clicking sounds along with the wind; if you got a story out of that, you have to have photos, too."

Aya smiled back. "Maybe I do; how much are they worth to you?"

Shizuha had had enough; she sprung over the desk, lifted the journalist from her seat, and pinned her to the wall. "If you want to still be able to put out newspapers, you'll give us those photos."

Struggling against the former goddess's strength, Aya shouted, "Haven't you heard of freedom of the press? This is oppression!"

Smiling smugly as the girl struggled, Shizua said, "We ain't in America."

Aya continued to struggle fruitlessly for a few more moments; a bullet exploded next to Shizuha's head, and when she turned to look, Minoriko had her hand outstretched. "That's enough, sister; put her down." She grudgingly complied and Aya took a moment to catch her breath. "Now, about those photos…"

Aya walked over to her desk, sat down, and reached into the bottom drawer, procuring a bottle and a small glass; she poured some of the liquid and drank the whole glass in one gulp. After setting the glass down, she then reached under the desk and brought out a small stack of photographs; after thumbing through them she pulled two out and handed one each to Shizuha and Minoriko. "I think it's pretty obvious who you're looking for, here."

Minoriko's eyes widened at what she saw. "I think I know where to go, sis."

Shizuha pocketed her photo. "Where's that?"

"The Bamboo Forest of the Lost."


Right in the edge of downtown was dinky little nightclub; the atmosphere was dark, and smoke hung in the air at all times. The place was quiet when the sisters entered, though it wasn't for a lack of patrons; they all seemed to speak in barely audible whispers, like being overheard was a crime unto itself. They approached the bar; the owner and only person working there greeted them. "What can I get for you… oh, it's you, 'Riko."

"Evening, Mokou." She slid the photo across the bar. "You want to tell me what's up with this picture?"

Mokou picked it up and held it to the dim light; it depicted a hooded figure seemingly leaving the Eientei treasure room. What made the photo spectacular was that the person's back seemed to be on fire. She set the picture down and said, "It ain't me."

Minoriko reached across the bar and grabbed Mokou by the collar. "Like hell it ain't you; you're the only person who can set themselves on fire like that and survive. You've had a grudge against Kaguya for centuries, so there's motive; give me one good reason why I shouldn't drag you off right now."

Mokou smirked. "Because if it were really me, I wouldn't have just set my torso on fire…" She suddenly burst into flames all over her body, causing Minoriko to drop her. "I'd set my whole body on fire. That's not me."

Shizuha was unimpressed by the show. "But where were you last night?"

"I was here." The sisters gave her twin looks of skepticism. "I was here and I can prove it; I got tons of witnesses." She looked over and called out to one of the patrons. "Yo, bucket girl! Wasn't I here last night?"

She looked up from her drink and shouted, "Yer always here, Mokou!"

The bartender appeared irritated. "But wasn't I here last night?"

The girl looked confused and said, "Yeah, you was here… you got mad 'cause the 'tainment was late."

She smirked back at the detectives. "See? I had to be here to yell at that mouse and tiger act; they said something about bein' late due to… flyin' saucers or some nonsense like that."

Minoriko looked a little disappointed that her hunch was wrong. Shizuha had given it some thought, and something the staff at the mansion had said came back to her. "What do you know about her treasures, Mokou?"

Mokou stiffened. "Too much; she got my father killed looking for 'em over a thousand years ago. She's got five: Buddha's Stone Bowl, the Jeweled Branch of Hourai, the Robe of the Fire Rat, the Dragon's Colorful Necklace, and the Swallow's Cowrie Shell. For the record, I wouldn't want to steal any of 'em, anyways; they'd remind me of her and just make me madder."

Minoriko looked at her sister. "Whatcha thinking about, sis?"

Shizuha shook her head, "Their stories don't match up; one said just one thing was taken, the other said at least two. Who's lying here?"

Minoriko adjusted her hat. "Back to Eientei?"

Her sister nodded and placed a few bills on the counter. "For your trouble; hope we don't come back."


It was dark out when they arrived back to the mansion; they strolled in without waiting for an escort and walked right into Kaguya's study. She wasted no time in addressing them. "Well, have you found what was stolen?"

Shizuha walked forward. "Actually, we came to have a look at the scene; you don't mind if we do that, right?"

Her eyes widened for only a moment before she said, "Of course." She snapped her fingers and the taller of the two servants from before appeared in the room. "Take them to the treasure room."

The girl looked startled but she nodded regardless. They followed her deeper into the mansion and through a passage that didn't look like it was there. A strange, futuristic looking locking mechanism was disarmed by the rabbit and she led them into the room.

They took a quick look around and managed to identify each item that was there and what wasn't. Shizuha said without turning, "You said only one treasure was taken; I see only three of the five. What happened to the Stone Bowl and Robe?"

The sound of a sliding door could be heard, and the voice of Kaguya rung out. "I knew I should have called the Hakurei; she would have been lazy enough to turn it over to the police after getting the photos." The Aki sisters started to turn when she said, "Don't move! I've got a hundred rabbits all ready to fire at you if you so much as make a hostile action."

Shizuha shook her head. "A set up, huh? Well don't that beat all… Couldn't kill her, so you figured to get her all locked up legally and she'd be out of your hair?"

The younger Aki looked confused. "Why go to this length, though? She's so far beneath you."

Fury crept into Kaguya's voice. "I can't go anywhere in this city without her showing up and starting trouble! And do the police do anything about it? Never! There's never enough proof that she's really doing anything!" She took a deep breath. "This was my chance, but you, you… detectives had to ruin everything."

It became so quiet you could hear the sweat from the sisters hit the floor. Suddenly a voice laced with fear and agitation came from the outer corridor; "She's here, and she's mad!" The shorter of the two witnesses suddenly ran into the room and bowled over both Kaguya and the other servant. In the confusion the sisters nodded to one another and bolted past them through the now unblocked door.

Minoriko was losing ground quickly and shouted, "Slow down, sister! You know I can't run as fast as you!"

Shizuha sighed and picked her sister up, hefting her over her back. "One of these days we're going to do something about that left foot…"

She burst out the door in time to see a living ball of fire rush past them and into the house. After getting beyond the gate, she set her sister down and they looked back at the now burning mansion. Minoriko looked to her sister and said, "Now what?"

Shizuha sook her head. "Now we leave it up to the police; this isn't our case anymore." She turned and started walking away.

Her younger sister started after her and said, "You know, we never got paid…"