A/N: Eek, sorry if this chapter is more horrendous than the last! It's probably way too short and whatnot, but I pulled an all-nighter writing this, and I have no beta and... yeah, enough with the excuses, even though I know there are almost no people who are anticipating this. I couldn't wait to update, okay? SORRY IF IT SUCKS! R&R?
Chihiro
I smoothed down my dark green sweater, sighing and stealing one last look in the mirror. So this is as good as it was going to get. I still looked slightly disheveled because I hadn't had time to properly get ready, but it'd have to do for now; I could touch it up later, or have Mei do it. My hair, woven into a boring dark brown plait that hung down my back, was slightly frizzy on the top, and I usually wouldn't have gone out with it like that.
But today would have to be an exception, because I was running late. I hurried downstairs, trying to reach the door before my mother noticed what color I was wearing. She always gave me a hard time when I wore dark green, just because it was his eye color. You would think, with how crazy I apparently was, that she'd be happy that I was at least lucid enough to know my colors. But to tell the truth, it made me feel safer when I wore this color, almost like I had a piece of him with me.
It didn't matter how much medication they shoved down my throat or how many therapy sessions I attended, or even how many stupid letters I was forced to write to "gain closure". He would always be real to me. He still mattered to me, though I'd never admit it. But it didn't matter, because I was counting on never meeting him again; I doubted I could do that and simultaneously stay sane.
I giggled. How ironic would that be? Him, showing up, out of the blue and proving I was sane, only to be the one who drove me to insanity.
I had to get out of here, though, before I tipped Mom off to the fact that I was awake. I tried to creep towards the door, completely sure that Mom was about to walk in to scold me and waste my time. So, holding my breath, I reached hesitantly for the brass knob and turned it slowly. And to my complete surprise, it opened easily without creaking, for once. With an inward sigh of relief, I slipped outside and made my way towards the only thing I could really be happy about right now. My car.
It wasn't anything special, just an old, junky, clunky Toyota, but I was still beyond thankful for it. I climbed in, plopping into the plushy driver's seat and cranking the air conditioner.
It was only a short way to the school, but I preferred this to walking. At least then I had the freedom to go where I wanted to after school, though it wasn't as if I had many people to hang out with; it was really just Mei and Ren. I laughed, remembering their faces when they saw my car for the first time. They had nicknamed it Godzilla.
I was suddenly pulled back into reality and forced to look up as someone honked their horn from behind me. I realized with extreme embarrassment I had come to a stop at a traffic light across the intersection from the High School, and the light was green. I swallowed, unsure if I was ready to face another day there. But I'd have to suck it up. I was a Junior. Next year I'd graduate and finally have a valid excuse to leave this place.
Pulling into a parking space and yanking the keys out of the ignition, I got out and locked the doors. I had to get to first period, and quickly. Mr. Jefferson wasn't a very forgiving teacher, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would be thoroughly punished if I was late for class again. Running full-speed towards my locker, I skidded to a stop as I saw someone at the end of the hallway. My heart stopped. Not again. Not here. I willed the person to go away, concentrating hard on that space becoming empty, but the dark-haired man just kept walking towards me, his chin-length hair quivering slightly with each movement. I opened my locker, hoping that by the time it was shut, the man would've disappeared. But this never worked, and I was pretty sure it never would.
I took a deep breath. I'd never get used to how much Sam looked like Haku. Well, what I had imagined an older Haku to look like. Still slightly boyish, slender, and fine featured, yet completely manly, not delicate. I knew it was wrong to ignore him without any explanation, but I couldn't handle it. I heard his deep voice from behind me, the slight rasp in it catching my attention. It sounded to me like he'd been doing some cheering at last night's game.
"Hey, Chihiro," he seemed more subdued than usual. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to let him down today.
"Yes, Sam?"
"I was wondering if you'd like to go to Thursday's game with me," I sighed as the hope in his voice rose dangerously. I had been wrong; today wouldn't be any easier than usual. His face crinkled in anticipation, lines forming around his bright emerald eyes. That was the only thing that was off about him; the eyes were far too light. Other than that, the resemblance was shockingly uncanny.
"No, Sam. Why do you ask me so often when you know I'm not interested?"
He shrugged and walked away, clearly feeling the sting of rejection. I couldn't help but feel a bit of annoyance towards him. He had already known the answer I was going to give him. Why did he have to be so damn persistent?! Every time I saw him, I thought it was Haku. It just reopened wounds that were having a hard enough time healing when they were left alone.
It was like some sick, twisted joke. Someone who closely resembled the one I wanted most to see, asking to see me. Maybe I'd take him up on his offer one day, but I didn't have any time to make amends that day; our little encounter had just cost me two and a half minutes, and the hallways were becoming less and less crowded.
"Shoot," I muttered under my breath, scurrying towards my classroom at the other end of the hall. I was so late. Why hadn't I heard the tardy bell yet? Mr. Jefferson would be so pleased. I could just imagine the cold gleam in his eyes, a look he only used when giving students detention. Oh, crap. I was sure that I was going to get it.
It seemed that day was going my way, though, because I slid into my seat beside Mei right as the tardy bell rang. It earned me a nasty look from Mr. Jefferson, and I grinned triumphantly.
I took out my notepad, scribbled a brief note to Mei, and slid it across the rectangular table.
Mei! Tell me what you're getting me for my birthday! It's the big 1-7! You better get me some pie, dammit. An occasion as special as this calls for pie! Or maybe a replacement Godzilla? :)
Mei just looked at me and shook her head. I made an irritated noise in the back of my throat. I'd squeeze it out of Ren later; they had to be teaming up for something. I suppressed a laugh, trying to imagine how annoyed at eachother they probably got while I wasn't around. Mei was the calm one, always completely concrete and mature. Her decisions were always backed up by sound facts and her nature was completely parallel to Ren's. Ren was spontaneous and goofy, and he always had a light in his eyes that I never quite understood, like he had a big, fun secret.
I giggled suddenly as I realized that Mei and Ren were probably going to end up together. Mei had already confessed how extremely annoying he was, but I knew her well enough to see through her flimsy facade of annoyance.
I decided to antagonize Mei about it. Maybe then she'd tell me what the hell I was getting for my birthday. I hated surprises, and I really hated being surprised by people who knew me.
I tore a sheet of paper out of my Math notebook and scribbled furiously, writing in all capital letters.
I KNOW ABOUT REN!
I slid it sideways towards her, keeping my eyes on Mr. Jefferson, trying to make sure he wasn't looking in our direction. As Mei unfolded the note and read, her eyes widened in confusion and fear. I chuckled maniacally and waggled my eyebrows. She simply glared and wrote down something else that I couldn't see because she was shielding the paper from my eyes. She slid the paper to me, her movements stilted, like she was anticipating what was about to happen, and I couldn't help but stop breathing for a moment as I read the name.
WELL YOU KNOW I KNOW ABOUT HAKU!
It was strange how when I was around my friends I could stop thinking about him. They were like my morphine; temporary but effective. It was like they turned off some switch in my brain, allowing me to live normally when I was with them. I gasped for air, realizing that I had been holding my breath for almost a minute. I desperately tried to control my breathing and look on the bright side; I'd obviously struck a nerve, which meant I was probably right about Mei and Ren.
Or Mei, at the very least. But still, that had been beyond uncalled for, and borderline cruel. I snatched my notebook back from her and tried to make it as obvious as possible how angry I was. It seemed ridiculous to me that I should be this angry, but for some reason the fact that she knew his name, and used it against me, no less, made me furious. I ended up ignoring her for the rest of the day, though it was obvious her badgering apologies were sure to turn into late-night phone calls that would keep me from the only solace I had anymore.
As school wore on, I sucessfully kept Haku from my thoughts, but by the time I got home I was tired of trying so hard to keep him out. And though I thought about him the most, he wasn't the only one I remembered. I missed Lin and Boh and Kamaji and Kaonashi. It was less painful to think of them, but still not entirely painless. That amazing, vibrant world simply couldn't have been a dream or a delusion. I wasn't going to flatter myself; I could never be that creative in my wildest dreams. All the creatures I had encountered there, all the characteristics and obscure facts that I had gathered, none of that could be fiction, especially when it stuck out so clearly in my memory. They were the only things that I remembered so well from that time, other than meeting Mei and Ren. I had been so riddled with medications after I had confessed to my parents about the spirit world.
It still stung that they hadn't believed me. They had just looked at me, I'd never forget that look they both wore. It was pity and worry and repulsion, almost as if they were sorry for my life. As if they were sorry they had ever brought such an insane being into this world, and that it was too late to end it.
Those looks, though, had only made me more and more determined in my trying to convince them. I had even come across a spot-on painting of Kaonashi, and it now hung in my room because my parents had obviously feared what would happen if they didn't buy it for me. I remembered the look they had given me when I showed it to them in the store, excited that there was finally something real to show them. They just figured I had stumbled across Kaonashi in one of my fairytale books. They had spent hours poring over my collection, trying unsuccessfully to locate the lone fable that had corrupted their child.
Sighing, I flopped down on my bed.
Mom, at least, had changed, and become more accepting of her daughter's "mental illness". Dad still looked at me like I was crazy, and when he spoke I could tell he was just trying to humour me, like some old relative who has finally lapsed into the final stages of senile dementia. Maybe he was just trying not to upset me, but it was still aggravating.
I didn't go a day without thinking about the Spirit world. I seriously doubted I ever would, and I really didn't want to stop thinking about it, because of what it would mean if I did. It would mean that they were right, that Haku wasn't real. It would mean that I was insane and that this was the life I would have to live, without any real relief of the ongoing tension. But most of all, it would mean having to write and rewrite those damn letters over and over again until I was either forced into submission or I finally broke beyond repair.
To me, it seemed like the latter was more likely.
It was hard, and sometimes I could swear Haku was sitting on the old sycamore tree outside my window, watching me. I could see him if I turned a certain way while I was laying in my bed, eyes half-closed. It was almost like we were playing a game of hide and seek. So childish, yet comforting.
But maybe that was only the dizzying chemical reactions that occur just before sleep, messing with my brain. I had heard somewhere that it was possible. I wondered if my life was simply going to be like this forever; me, pining for something that was supposedly never there, pushing away the ones I cared about most, unable to cope with the loss of something that was never there.
I decided, after some deliberation, to write in my therapy journal. It usually helped clear my mind.
Dear Journal,
Today was hard. I thought about Haku a lot, and Sam asked me out again. I keep thinking; what if that's Haku, and he just can't tell me? I mean, as ridiculous as that may sound to you, it seems plausible to me. But I'm the crazy one here. I'm still a little bit angry at Mei, but I know I shouldn't be, because I would've thought about him today anyway. I feel kind of bad. She called a couple of times tonight, but I had Mom tell her that I was busy and to call back later. I think she understood because after a little while, she stopped calling. I still don't completely understand —
I was interrupted by a knock on my door. I quickly ripped the page out, still paranoid from the times Mom had checked my journal to see if I was really doing better, and threw it out my window.
"Time to go to bed, Chihiro. You've got to go to therapy tomorrow morning before school, so you'll need to get some sleep tonight," Mom's voice wafted in, muffled by the thick wood.
"Okay, Mom! Love you! Night!" I tucked myself into the bed and turned out the light. I was anxious to see the Haku-apparition tonight. I never really got a clear look at it, but I was sure that was who it was. I mean, c'mon. Who else would be watching me?
I propped myself up a little bit, to get a better angle. Usually what I saw was vague, to say the least. And it was almost as if the thing watching me could sense when I was just about to fall asleep. It consistently showed up when I was conveniently at the edge of uncosciousness.
Settling in some more, I peered out the window clandestinely, my eyes narrowed into slits so that anyone watching would think I was asleep. I waited a couple of minutes, and then got bored with it and decided to actually try and sleep tonight. But just as I started to doze off, there was a flash in the trees, and I could've sworn I saw the metallic glint of scales in the pale moonlight.
Okay, opinions, please? I'll gladly rewrite or add if you'd like me to.
Writers are really just slaves to the public imagination, you know. So you have to tell me what you want in order to get it. I'm no mind reader.
Oogh, I'm going to go to sleep now.
I'm going to go let my weird crush on an anime character run wild in my brain, yeah?
It's like 7:30 in the AM here. And I have to effin' work out in about 10 hours! DAMN MY WARPED SUMMER SLEEP SCHEDULE!
Xo,
Hoove.
