Chapter 2: In which Lazarus returns. Again.
"Goddess, Kaidan!" Liara planted her fists on her hips and scowled. Most of the team was crowded onto the bridge, all of them looking appalled, shocked, worried, or some combination of the three.
"The Citadel exploded when the Crucible fired, we all saw it," said Garrus. "No way anything is left out there."
"Don't torture yourself for Shepard's sake, Kaidan," said Tali. "She's just atoms now, and she wouldn't want it." The others chorused their agreement.
"Okay, the Citadel did not explode. The Crucible exploded," said Kaidan, feeling beleaguered.
"Yeah, and she was right there when it happened. She set the damn thing off!" said Garrus.
"But it was hooked up to the Tower, and that didn't get vaporized."
"It's a space station!"
"And Shepard was inside it!" Kaidan massaged his forehead with one hand. Am I getting a migraine? I can't even tell anymore. "Look, guys, I don't expect to find any survivors. Shepard is, she's gone. It's just – you don't know, she didn't talk about it with anyone, but what Cerberus did... bringing her back was... traumatic." He felt a pang of regret at the shock on Liara's face, but he didn't stop talking. "Shepard didn't want anyone to know, and we all had other things to worry about, but I'm sure you all noticed some changes in her." Silence, nods.
"The PTSD was... severe. It wasn't just Cerberus. I think she's had PTSD since Akuz that was never actually treated. But she'd dealt with that. It's just, after seeing what she went through... She's spent enough time floating around in space. She deserves a real burial, a real grave. She should be put to rest where no one can ever get at her again. It's what she wanted. She never said it but, trust me. I have to do that for her. If she really was vaporized like you all think then, well, it's done. But if she's not... I have to see. I have to know." He looked around at his friends. "Okay?" Liara stepped forward, putting a hand on his arm.
"Okay, Kaidan," she said.
"I'll go with you," said Garrus.
"So will I. I never knew... Giving her to Cerberus, I thought – she never said –" Liara was visibly upset. "I owe her this at least."
"Liara..." She waved Kaidan off.
"Let's go," she said.
James brought them down in the shuttle. The Wards seemed almost entirely destroyed, but much of the Presidium was miraculously intact, if damaged. They got in through an immense hole where one of the Wards had been – even Garrus wasn't sure which – and landed in an airlock only a short walk from the Tower. They didn't even need their EV suits.
"Stay here, and no crashing into anything," Kaidan ordered.
"Christ, don't you people ever talk about anything else?" James complained, but he stayed.
"What a mess," Garrus said, surveying the Presidium, which appeared to have been turned upside down and shaken. They picked their way through the rubble and downed trees to the Tower doors. They had to lever the doors open with a piece of heavy steel pipe, and it took all three of them heaving to force their way in. Liara stepped inside and choked back a cry. Kaidan didn't have her self-control.
"Fucking God." He realized he had a hand clamped over his mouth and lowered it slowly, staring at the carnage, mind blank with horror.
"Spirits," Garrus whispered.
There were bodies everywhere, piled on the steps, all along the hall, filling the Tower. The red emergency lighting made the scene even grimmer, if that was possible. They moved slowly among the dead, biting back apologies when they stepped on a hand or torso by accident in the dark. The place reeked of blood, shit, and fear. Kaidan was the first to don his breather helmet; the other two quickly followed suit. Movement ahead brought Kaidan up short. He whipped out his pistol, hastily signaling the others to arm up. They crept forward slowly, Liara's fists glimmering blue in the dimness.
"What is it?" Garrus hissed.
"No idea," Liara replied, her voice low.
"Collector troops, maybe?"
"Can they operate without Reapers controlling them?"
Kaidan held up a hand for quiet as they reached the top of the stairs – and stopped short. It was a Keeper, puttering around, clearing bodies away from a console so it could continue some inscrutable task.
"How did it survive the blast?" Liara said. Garrus shrugged. Kaidan stood speechless, staring at the creature, which coolly ignored them and began tapping away at its terminal. At last he shook himself.
"Come on." Garrus and Liara fell in behind him.
"This ramp didn't used to be here," Liara said. The piles of corpses stopped abruptly as they crossed from the Citadel tower onto the ramp itself.
"This is eerie," said Garrus.
"Everything involving the Reapers has been eerie. Why should that stop just because the war's over?"
"This must be part of the Crucible itself," Kaidan said.
"Didn't it explode?" said Garrus.
"It must have incorporated part of itself into the Citadel somehow," Liara said.
Kaidan checked as they reached the end of the ramp. They stood in a broad, circular chamber, which seemed to have been very thoroughly blown up. There was rubble everywhere, blackened plastic, twisted metal, broken glass.
"And then it exploded," Garrus said.
"Evidently."
"Fan out," said Kaidan. "Let's see what we can find." Garrus went down the left side of the room; Liara went right, while Kaidan began picking his way down the center of the floor, clambering over blocks of machined ceramic and twisted I-beams. Garrus was muttering as his sniper rifle got caught on debris. Kaidan slipped on a loose tile and swore.
"I've got a body!" Liara called. Kaidan's heart leapt. "It's the Illusive Man, I think. Goddess, his face!" Kaidan swallowed hard, his heart pounding. Cool it, he thought. Garrus was probably right. You can bet, an explosion like this, Shepard was in the middle of it.
"Anderson's here," Garrus said heavily. "Spirits guide him."
Kaidan kept moving forward, feet sliding on ash and loose debris. He was nearly at – no, it was a destroyed console, not a pile of blasted electrical components – when the ground to his right seemed to... breathe. He froze, staring. Am I seeing things? No, there it was again, something struggling feebly to move between two heaps of blackened slag. Another Keeper? He drew his pistol, making his way toward the movement.
"What do you got, Kaidan?" Garrus was at his elbow. The thing thrashed, heaving itself half-upright before collapsing with a – groan? It began to cough weakly. Keepers don't cough, Kaidan thought. It had gone very quiet in his head for some reason.
"Shepard!" Garrus shouted, pushing past him and dropping to his knees on the slag, reaching down with careful hands to lift her off the ground.
"Shepard?" Liara cried, voice cracking.
Kaidan found himself on his knees beside Garrus, staring down at Shepard's body – Shepard's moving, breathing, bleeding body. He tore off his helmet, dropping it and helping Garrus lift her into a sitting position, supporting her head carefully. Her implant scars were open and bleeding and her breath bubbled in her chest, but her eyes flickered open as he cupped her head in one hand. Her lips shaped his name, but she was too weak to talk. Garrus moved behind her, letting her lean on him, and Liara took his place beside Kaidan, hurriedly loading medi-gel into her omnitool.
"Hang on, Shepard," she said, and got to work. The first aid application stopped most of the bleeding. Liara yanked a knife from her boot and began cutting away what melted remains of Shepard's armor she could, hissing over the gunshot wound in her side and the massive bruises. A hasty dressing seemed to help – Shepard drew a rattling breath as the pain meds worked their way through her system.
"Spirits, Shepard, what did you do, challenge every Reaper in the place to single combat?" Garrus said. "You look like shit."
"Vakarian," she choked, "you rat bastard – " Kaidan burst out laughing. Shepard smiled crookedly up at him. Garrus was laughing too.
"You've got to stop doing this, Shepard. I'm running out of things to say at your funeral."
"Sure you'll – think of – something – aah!" Liara took her hands off the armor on Shepard's thigh.
"You've got bad burns here," she said.
"Damn thing exploded." Shepard began to cough, bloody froth collecting at her lips.
"And internal bleeding," said Kaidan, worry settling like ice in the pit of his stomach.
"I can't do anything for her here," Liara said. "We've got to get her back to the ship."
"Too far. James!" The comm hissed.
"Yes sir?"
"Shepard's alive. Get Dr. Chakwas down to the Citadel, now."
"Wh – yes sir!" Kaidan signed off.
"Let's carry her out of the Tower at least," Garrus said.
"Good idea."
"She's got broken bones," Liara warned. "Shepard, let me sedate you – " Shepard's hand locked around her friend's wrist.
"No," she grated.
"This is going to hurt then."
"Do I look – like I give a damn?"
"Okay Shepard, no sedation," Kaidan said. She grimaced up at him gratefully.
"Let me give you something stronger for the pain at least." Shepard started to shake her head and hissed in pain.
"Fine," she grunted. Liara gave her a look and readied a syringe.
"You just carry that around with you everywhere?" said Garrus.
"I had a med kit in my suit." Liara gave Shepard the shot and she sighed, her head weighing heavy on Kaidan's palm. He laid her gently back onto Garrus's shoulder.
"Uh," said Garrus.
"'Mawake," Shepard mumbled.
"Okay." The Turian was smiling.
"Let's get her up."
It took all three of them in the end. Liara had to support Shepard's legs, as they both appeared to be broken. Even with the drugs, she had screamed when Kaidan and Garrus lifted her off the ground. As they worked their way down through the Tower, Kaidan prayed she would pass out. He could feel the blood bubbling in her chest as she breathed. Every step jolted her, and although the pain meds helped, he knew she was hurting.
James met them at the Tower doors, panting.
"Got more supplies," he gasped, spreading out a length of canvas. "Stretcher. Put her there," waving a hand, "doc's coming." Kaidan could hear pounding feet – Chakwas and a nurse had followed James at a run. The doctor slid to her knees beside Shepard, breathing hard. She's spry, he thought. Fast too. James can book.
"You were right to bring me, Kaidan. This is bad." The doctor's face was grave, but her hands were steady as she cut away the remains of Shepard's armor. The Commander's clothes had also been destroyed by the blast, Kaidan saw.
"James, take a walk," he snapped as Dr. Chakwas peeled away the remains of Shepard's breastplate.
"All of you, take a walk. Not you, Dolores. You stay too, Kaidan." Garrus rose, more or less dragging James and Liara with him.
"Help me with this," the doctor said, pressing a pair of scissors into Kaidan's hand.
"She's got burns all down her right side, Karin," he warned, starting on Shepard's left arm.
"Yes, I see. Half your ribs are broken, too. Broken wrist, broken leg, the other knee is dislocated – goodness, Shepard, did you challenge every Reaper to single combat, or just take them on all at once?" Shepard started to laugh, and choked.
"You're the second one to make that joke today," Kaidan said. Nurse Huerta helped him rip the melted plastic away from Shepard's left foot.
"Who – oh, Garrus I suppose." Dr. Chakwas shook her head. "You should have let them sedate you, Shepard. As it is, I'm going to have to do it anyway. You've got punctures in both lungs. I have to perform surgery and I won't do it while you're conscious." Shepard wheezed. "No, don't try to talk, you stubborn bastard. What? She wants you, Kaidan." Shepard's bare hand wrapped around his wrist. He was surprised at the strength of her grip.
"What is it?" Kaidan said, setting his scissors aside and stroking her brow.
Stay, she mouthed.
"You want me here while the doctor operates?" Shepard nodded weakly. "Of course, love. I'm not going anywhere." She shut her eyes, assenting. God, she's exhausted, he thought. I've never seen her like this around other people before. Whatever happened up here, it was bad. Really bad.
"Okay, doctor," he said.
"All right, Shepard. Here's the anaesthetic now." Nurse Huerta handed her a needle. Kaidan watched Shepard lose consciousness, her face relaxing as the pain slipped away.
"She looks like a different person," the nurse murmured.
"She was in a lot of pain." Dr. Chakwas was pulling gear out of a bag beside her. "All right, Kaidan, if you're joining us I want you masked and gloved." He donned the sterile things she passed him, pausing only to unwrap Shepard's limp hand from around his wrist. All Dr. Chakwas said was, "Let's get this plastic off her burns," and got to work.
The surgery was gory, but interesting. Kaidan had wanted to be a doctor when he was younger, and watching Chakwas and Huerta's quick, competent work reminded him why. They drained her lungs, applying medi-gel laproscopically to heal the punctures. Dressing her burns took some time and Kaidan was profoundly thankful that Shepard wasn't awake for it as he watched the nurse hacking melted plastic off her shinbone. They popped her knee back into its socket and set her other leg, which was broken in two places.
"Might as well, since we're in here," Dr. Chakwas said. "She'll need prosthetics, Kaidan. This arm will never work right again, not with the amount of nerve damage she's sustained. And she'll have a limp at the very least. She'll need exoprostheses for her right arm and leg to even approach her previous levels of functionality. In any case, her days as a soldier in the field are over." Kaidan shut his eyes.
"She's gonna be pissed."
"Yes. But I, for one, am glad. It's a miracle she's survived this long. The Commander is quite mad." Kaidan grinned.
"Yeah, she is." He stroked her limp hand, clasping it gently. Crazy bastard, he thought. "Don't worry, Doctor. I'll keep her occupied."
"I'm sure you will," Dr. Chakwas said dryly. "Right. There's not much more I can do out here. She needs proper splinting, an intensive burn treatment or two, and bed rest. Let's get her back to the ship." Nurse Huerta was packing up their unused supplies, throwing bloody cloths and tools into the Tower. The doctor stripped off her mask and gloves and Kaidan followed suit, then helped her cover Shepard in a clean drape.
"Call the others. We need help with the stretcher," the doctor said.
It was a shame Shepard wasn't conscious for the hero's welcome she received back on the Normandy, Kaidan thought. The entire crew assembled on the bridge and crew deck, packed so tight the people in back couldn't even see her, every soldier standing at attention, most with tears in their eyes. Joker was there, crying openly as he saluted the unconscious Commander, and Tali stood with her hands over her heart, pressing Garrus's arm as he passed with the stretcher. James lead the crew in a thunderous cheer as the med bay doors closed behind them, til the hull fairly shook and Dr. Chakwas sent Liara outside to tell them to can it. Kaidan refused to leave the med bay, unwilling to break his promise to Shepard even though the surgery was long over. He sat by the head of her bed as the doctor worked, holding her leg steady as Nurse Huerta applied a cast, watching with interest as Dr. Chakwas carefully dressed Shepard's burns with thick medi-gel pads to speed the healing.
"She should be awake in an hour or so, Kaidan. You are to keep her in this bed at all costs, not that she'll be able to move much. Here is her pain medication, here is some food, and here is the water," she said, pointing. "Make her take the meds when she wakes up. She might not be able to eat, but get some fluids into her. Give her this juice. And she may have one drink. One. Something of human origin. There is whiskey in my desk, if she insists. Now, I'm going to get something to eat. I'll have Garrus radio the Admiral, if someone else hasn't already."
"Doctor – Karin – " She turned in the doorway.
"Thank you," said Kaidan.
"Just doing my job, Major," said the doctor with a crooked smile. "Thank god you found her in time." She left. Kaidan wrapped his hand around Shepard's and waited for her to wake up.
"One drink?" Shepard was irate. Well, her lungs are doing better at any rate, Kaidan thought.
"Hey, I don't make the rules."
"I could handle at least three," she said, scowling.
"Tell me that again after you take your pain meds."
"More drugs?"
"Eight broken ribs, leg broken in two places, broken wrist, first-degree burns over seven percent of your body, total implant rejection, both lungs punctured – "
"Fucking hell, just give me the drugs, Alenko." He watched her swallow the suspension, making sure she could hold it steady.
"I win," he said, grinning. She punched him weakly on the arm and collapsed back onto her pillows.
"Asshole," she muttered, pleased. Kaidan hitched his chair closer to the bed, taking her good hand in both of his.
"God, it's so good to hear you say that." He kissed her fingertips one at a time. Shepard smiled.
"Plenty more where that came from." Kaidan laughed.
"Looking forward to it." He leaned his cheek into her palm and she stroked his stubble with her thumb. Even her fingers felt weak, her touch like a feather, no pressure behind it at all. "Jesus, Shepard. I'm so glad you're alive."
"Me too," she said. They sat in silence for a long moment, just looking at each other.
"I never thought I was going to see you again," he said at last.
"Yeah. Me neither. Kaidan... I'm sorry." He let out a long breath.
"I wasn't gonna bring it up until you were feeling better."
"I know I promised, I just – couldn't watch you die. I couldn't do it. I had to know you had a chance, that if I did it then maybe you would be okay. And if you stayed – look at me dammit!" She was muzzy and quiet with pain medication, but her eyes were alert, searching his face. "I know I promised we would be together but – we were together, and you got hurt. Hurt bad, Kaidan. You had to get out of there." Her eyes... "Do you understand? I had to keep you safe, I needed you to be okay so I could keep... so I had someone to fight for."
"Your eyes, Shepard."
"What?"
"The implants turned them dark, all orange, but they're blue again."
"Did you... what?"
"Look, Shepard, I won't pretend I'm not – I won't pretend I wasn't angry. But you're here now, you're alive, you're okay, and so am I. And I'm only here right now because of you. If you had kept your promise? Without that evac, I'd be dead. I would have lasted a couple minutes tops. I know it, and you know it. So I think it's okay. It's really okay." She pressed her fingers against his cheek as hard as she could, which wasn't very, wishing she could move, unable to sit up and hug him.
"God, Kaidan, I love you so much." Her voice shook. "I'm so glad you're okay and I can't fucking believe I'm alive and I'm so fucked up on these drugs but – " she sniffed " – I love you." Tears rolled down her cheeks, stinging in the cuts.
"Shit," she muttered. Kaidan wiped her face dry for her, unwilling to relinquish his hold on her hand.
"I love you too, Shepard." He kissed her carefully, one hand on her neck, feeling her fingers curling in his hair. It was almost like a dream, kissing her again – he half-expected to wake up at any moment. She was struggling to sit up, to press herself against him, her breathing labored.
"Don't try to move."
"Fuck, I hate this! I've been awake for an hour and I'm already losing my damn mind." She sank back onto her pillows, eyelids fluttering.
"Are you in pain?"
"No. Whatever the doctor gave me it's..." she yawned, "... working."
"Go to sleep, love," Kaidan murmured. "I'll be right here when you wake up."
"Wait, Kaidan." Shepard forced her eyes open.
"What's up?"
"How did you know to come? How did you find me?"
"I didn't know. I was sure you were dead, Shepard. We all were. I just couldn't stand the thought of you – your body – floating up there in space, alone, all over again."
"Oh," she whispered. She tugged at his hand, eyes closed. Kaidan moved it for her, pressing his fingers to her lips. She kissed him with all her might, trembling with the effort.
"Thank you," she said. He pulled the blankets up, tucking them securely around her shoulders.
"Of course," he said, kissing her forehead. Shepard sighed and was asleep in an instant, her face quiet as exhaustion claimed her. Kaidan rose and began clearing away her empty dishes, humming softly to himself.
