Final Fantasy 7 – Stupidity Remix

Chapter 2 – Payday

The party's arrived at Sector 7. The team goes into 7th Heaven, and kil…I mean kicks everyone out.

Biggs: Give me a Bloody Mary!

Jesse: Get me 44 shots of mountain dew. I'm going for the record!

Barret: I'll go find Wedge. He's probably burning in hell right now.

Cloud: Hmm. I'll just play pinball. (starts playing, but activates the elevator. After Cloud reaches the room below…DING!) TILT!? NO! RIGGED! (slams)

Cloud continued to play for several minutes, going up and down the pinball machine-elevator yelling, RIGGED, at the top of his lungs. When he finally gave up, he looked around at what his team mates were doing.

Biggs: Oh god, my nose's bleeding. Hey, Tifa, don't stop, I can keep going.

Jesse: (random gibberish from drinking too much mountain dew)

Barret: It's official. Wedge's dead. Or lost. Or dead and lost. (pulls out paper and titles it "Wedge's Will.")

Cloud sighed and walked up to the counter. His childhood friend, Tifa, was at the bar.

Tifa: Cloud, you look tired. Why don't you get some sleep?

Cloud: Yeah, I should.

That night…

Barret: (heavy, heavy, freaking heavy snoring)

Cloud: (opens red, red, eyes)

SLASH!

Barret stops snoring.

Cloud: (sigh, zzZ)

Barret: (heavier snoring)

That morning…

Tifa: Hey Cloud, did you sleep well?

Cloud is sagging, eyes are completely red, and his hair is messed up.

Cloud: Yes. Yes I did.

Barret: (yawn) Well I couldn't sleep. Anyway, let's hurry and bomb Sector 5. I heard that the security there is horrible!

Biggs: Jesse and I will be looking for Wedge. The will on the counter doesn't seem right…

Barret whistles.

Cloud: Hey, where's my pay?

Barret: Oh. Here's your crappy 1500 gil.

Cloud: Thanks. Now let's go around town, the train doesn't leave for an hour.

Over at the tutorial hall…

Kid: Here, pick up this materia.

Cloud: That's easy! (Gained All materia)Now what?

Kid: Open this box! (box drops down on Cloud, squishing him)

Cloud: (box opens while he's squished underneath) Done!

Top floor…

Kid: Hey, give me some gil and I'll let you sleep here.

Cloud: Ok, how about 1 gil?

Kid: More.

Cloud: 5 gil?

Kid: More.

Cloud: 10 gil.

Kid: I'm not going less than 10,000 gil.

Cloud: () Tell you what, give me 1 gil, and I won't beat you up.

Kid: Deal! Ha, sucker! I would have gone to 2 gil! (leaves)

Cloud: (…)

Train…

Biggs: About time you guys came.

Barret: I'll come and go when and how I want. (looks around) ANYONE HAVE A #$!ING PROBLEM WITH THAT!? Good.

Jesse: Hey Cloud, come over here.

Cloud: Yea?

Jesse: Help me find the remote for this TV. This channel sucks.

SIREN!

Cloud: What's up?

Jesse: They're doing an I.Q. check of everyone on the train.

Cloud: Don't you mean I.D. check?

Jesse: No, I.Q. This prevents hobos with no jobs from coming onboard.

Hobo: Let me go!

Guard: Get out of here. This is the first of the month and rent is due.

Hobo: I'll get it soon!

Guard: Just go before we force you out.

Hobo: Fine. (walks out into train tracks while train is in motion)

Guard: (…) Hey, you're that thief!

Cloud: Uh-oh. (leaves)

Barret & Tifa: Cloud! (runs after him)

5 boxcars later…

Cloud: Not good. This is the final car.

Barret: We have to jump, the guards are almost here.

Stranger: Psst, over here.

Cloud: (…?) Biggs? Jesse?

Jesse: What do you think of our disguise? Pretty good huh?

Cloud: Yea, don't get caught. (By the way, I was this close to pulling out my sword and cutting your head off for catching me off guard)

Tifa: I'll go first! (jumps)

Cloud: Barret, you go.

Barret: No way, the leader always stays behind and steals everything he could take. Now go!

Cloud: (jumps)

Barret: Alright. Biggs, Jesse, help shove me through this small door.

Sometime later…

Cloud: Ok, looks like we have to walk.

Barret: (…?) Lasers?

Cloud: Why are there lasers in the train tracks?

Tifa: Jesse said these lasers are what scan for the I.Q. Test. However, the train is lead-filled, so it protects us from the ultra-green radiation.

Cloud: Let's walk through.

Barret: No can do. Laser phobic.

Tifa: Hey, there's a hole here. Let's go through.

Barret: I don't think I can fit through.

Cloud: (…) Fire in the hole! (throws grenade down hole, causing it to spew rocks out and widen the hole) Let's go.

They climbed down and traveled through the maze.

Biggs: Hey guys.

Cloud: How did you get here?

Biggs: Gameshark! (pulls out small memory card)

Cloud: Quick, make us level 99.

Biggs: Don't know that cheat. All I know is how to teleport people. Off to the reactor!

Boing

Tifa: Ok, akward. Oh, here's the reactor. Plant the bomb.

Cloud: UGH! (faint)

Tifa: Cloud! Cloud! (…) I'll get a shovel.

Cloud: Huh?

Tifa: Yay! I guess I won't need this shovel no more.

Barret: Bomb has been planted.

Cloud: Let's go.

Later…

Cloud: The door's locked, and the control panel over there controls it.

Barret: Let's put in the code.

Cloud: Screw that, let's jump the gate. (jumps over and many shocking sounds can be heard)

The gate opens and when the party comes in, Cloud is crispy burnt. Cloud gets up after using a hi-potion.

Cloud: No more jumping over gates.

They ran along the path until they came along a two bridges connected together, much like a T. A helicopter flew down toward them.

Person: Hello.

Cloud: Who are you?

Person: I'm the president of Shinra. Now, why are you here to blow up my reactor?

Barret: Your machine is draining up the life of the planet!

President: Well, I don't know about that. But I must be going to my fancy dinner. I'll leave you a goodbye present before I go though. (snap fingers)

Everyone: (…)

President: (…?) Is the remote control out of batteries again? Quick, put some new ones in. Done? Ok, let's try that again. (snap fingers)

A mechanical machine comes in and the helicopter flies down below the bridges.

Cloud: Looks like we have to fight.

Tifa: Hey, all I have to do is remove the antenna and…

Tifa kicked an antenna off of the machine. The machine exploded, and the bridge shook, sending Cloud into the valley below.

Tifa: Cloud! No!

Barret: Cloud!

To be continued…

Flower Girl: I wish I had a boyfriend.

Cloud crashes into the building she was in.

Flower Girl: Wow! Wishes do come true!


Another great chapter. Please review, for reviews make the world go crazy.