To say that Lux had been unplanned would be an understatement.
Emily loved kids – they had always been on her radar, just as something for the future...the far off future. After she had an education and a career and a life. Something more to give a child than love (which, ironically, was the one thing her mother had never given her).
Then, she'd met Clyde Easter.
She'd been studying abroad in London at the time, seriously considering joining the SIS when she'd attended a recruitment seminar he'd been leading. Clyde had been his suavest, most charming self and the moment he saw her, he'd had his sights set on getting her in his bed.
Emily was only too willing to play along. Afterall, he was charming and handsome and a spy. And she had a thing for guys with accents.
Neither of them was looking for anything serious – he could leave on assignment at any moment and she still had things to accomplish before being tied down by any kind of real relationship. What they had was light and fun and consisted mostly of lots of casual sex.
Then, after six months, he got reassigned. He couldn't tell her where he was going and she couldn't contact him. Which was fine, they'd known from the start where things were headed. They said goodbye fully expecting to never see each other again.
She'd gone back to the States to pursue a stint at the Academy as had always been the original plan. Academy, then CIA, then – with any luck – Interpol.
Instead, she'd missed her period and her whole life came crashing down with one positive test.
She was barely supporting herself, she had no idea how she'd make ends meet with an infant. She wasn't about to call her mother who would help, but with strings and guilt trips and all the demands she'd waited so long to get away from...so, she'd called Clyde. She knew she would get his voicemail and it could be years before he actually listened to it, but she had no one else to turn to.
Three hours after giving birth, Emily was alone, exhausted, and terrified.
Her baby daughter finally asleep in her arms, Emily allowed herself to cry for the first time that day – whether from an abundance of exhaustion or fear or the sheer overwhelming magnitude of being a single mother, she couldn't be sure. All she knew was that the innocent child in her arms deserved so much more than her...
A knock at the door startled her and she sniffled, drying her tears quickly. If there was one thing her mother had taught her, it was that showing emotion was a weakness to be exploited. "Come in," she said, voice warbling, betraying her.
The very last person she expected to see strode through the door with a bouquet of roses and a contrite look. Emily was at a loss for words – she'd left messages to inform him when she was due, not sure if he'd get them and whether he'd even care – she'd never expected him to actually show up at the hospital.
Clyde gave a smile that might have been apology, though she couldn't have said for what. He pressed a chaste kiss to the top of her head. "She's beautiful," he said softly, looking down at the infant as if he'd never seen one before.
"She's got your blonde hair and blue eyes – doesn't look a thing like me," Emily said, internally agreeing that she was, in fact, beautiful. "Do... Do you want to hold her?" she asked, unsure where he was on the fatherhood scale right now.
He seemed to take pause at the question. She extended her arms slightly in an unspoken offer. After a moment, he took the baby in hands he was working very hard to keep steady.
It was a rather odd image: Clyde Easter holding a newborn. But at the same time, she felt a warmth flooding her chest and, for a moment, she thought maybe they could do this. Be a family. Together.
"Have you filled in the birth certificate yet?" he asked, almost apropos of nothing.
"Not yet," she said. "I was thinking Lux, for her name... Lux Adalind Easter."
"Emily..." He sighed heavily. "You can't put my name on that birth certificate."
She opened her mouth as if to say something, but no sound would come out.
As if reading her mind, he explained, "It's for her own protection. I'll be there as much as I can, I'll support you financially, and if in the future you find someone who wants to fill that father role for her, I won't stand in the way. But officially, I can't be her father."
In the light of day, she'd blame the raging hormones thrumming through her veins, but in that moment, she could do nothing but burst into tears. "I'm sorry," she sobbed, not sure why she was apologizing.
"Oh, Em, don't cry," he urged, a little desperately. He'd never been very good with crying women. Then, the baby joined in the crying and he was even more at a loss.
"She's hungry," Emily explained with a sniffle.
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked, passing the baby back to her like he was handing her a death sentence.
"I think you should leave," she said, as flatly as she could manage while still hiccuping with little sobs.
If he was surprised by the demand, he didn't voice it. "If you need anything..."
"Leave, Clyde."
As the door clicked shut behind him, she was reduced to sobs once more, feeling even worse.
Twenty minutes later, JJ returned to the hospital room with dinner to find her best friend with silent tears trickling down her cheeks. "What happened?" she asked, bewildered. When she'd left, Emily had been a little anxious, but seemingly handling the transition quite well.
For a moment, Emily considered telling her the truth – about Clyde, about everything – but the words refused to form. She shook her head once, twice. "Just hormonal," she said at length, adding a hysterical little laugh for emphasis. "And overwhelmed."
JJ nodded understandingly. "You're still new at this, you'll get the hang of it. You're going to be a great mom."
"I hope so," Emily said, drying her eyes on her sleeve. "This little girl deserves everything."
"Have you picked a name yet?" JJ asked, changing the subject in hopes of averting further tears.
Emily smiled, tenderly stroking the baby's shock of blonde hair. "Lux," she murmured. "My little guiding light."
