AN: Thanks to all those who reviewed
The baby. Her baby. Kathryn's head seemed to be spinning. She edged her hand behind her until she found what appeared to be a chair and then sank back into it. What was she going to do now?
Outside Chakotay grew more and more agitated. He watched as his captain grew paler and paler and then as she collapsed into a chair behind her. Doctor-patient confidentiality or not, he was going to find out what was going on.
Storming into the room he came to a shocked halt. Kathryn had tears pouring down her face while the doctor awkwardly patted her shoulder. Through the Kazon, the Hirogen and all manner of other obstacles, he had only seen Kathryn break down once on New Earth after the plasma storm. He wanted to know what could have possibly made the strong woman he loved so much break down in front of her crew. Or did he? How could he handle it if she were really ill. As his thoughts grew grimmer and grimmer, he gave himself a mental shake. Kathryn needed him to be strong for now. Whatever it was, he could breakdown later in the privacy of his quarters. Right now his first objective was to take care of HER.
Looking to the doctor, he asked what had happened. "She didn't take the news well, as you can see" he stated, "and before you ask, I can't tell you what it is. You'll have to ask her if you want to know, though she won't be able to hide it forever."
"Do you want to keep her in sickbay?" Chakotay asked, already looking her over for any signs of whatever the disease was, that would apparently show soon.
"No, there's nothing more I can do for her right now. Take her back to her quarters. A soothing cup of tea would help her more than I can. Tea, not coffee. Its bad for…" he trailed off before saying too much. "It won't do to get her more agitated," he covered.
Looking down at his immobile commanding officer, he nodded once to the doctor before helping her up again and ordering the beam out to her quarters. Whoever was at transporter controls in engineering was going to have a field day with this one.
Setting Kathryn on her sofa, he replicated a steaming hot cup of chamomile tea. His grandmother had always said it helped her to calm down. Tucking a blanket around her he waited for her hiccups to quite down before he handed down the cup. Watching as she took a tentative sip, he couldn't help but smile as she made a face, staring down into the cup. "Sorry Kathryn, but doctor's orders. No coffee for now." At the mention of the doctor, a look of misery passed across her face. Taking the cup from her, he placed it on the table before turning back and gathering her in his arms. Silently, she clung to him trying to gather up the strength his embrace offered before she was left alone again. As her sobs subsided he let go of her and cradled her face in his hands. "What is it Kathryn?" he asked gently. "Let me help you"
At his gentle tone, and the caring she saw in his eyes, she couldn't stop herself from pouring out her heart to him. At that moment, she forgot what she was trying to hide. All that mattered was that if she told him, maybe he could make things better. Looking into his chocolate brown eyes she blurted out " Chakotay … I'm pregnant!"
Chakotay's reaction was what brought her back to reality. He dropped his hands from her face as if burned. Before he shuttered them closed, she saw dark anguish in his eyes. He clenched his fists together and stood up walking away from her. With a grimace he opened his eyes again, now devoid of all expression. "Whose is it?" he asked, in measured tones.
Kathryn remembered only now that he had no idea what was going on. For a brief moment when he held her, she forgot the reason for her breakdown in sickbay. He didn't know. He didn't remember. It might as well not have been him. What was she going to tell him?
Chakotay's voice filtered though her spinning thoughts. He was saying something. Struggling she focused on him. "DAMN IT KATHRYN, WHOSE IS IT?"
Startled by the anger she heard raging in his voice she said the only thing that came to mind. "It isn't yours Chakotay." And it wasn't, not really. It was Captain Miller's.
Chakotay's voice blasted though her thoughts again. "I KNOW it isn't MINE. How could it be mine? I've never slept with you, thank god" she wince at that. She had ruined everything. It was time to pay.
"I'll bet it was Raoul" he was shouting. "Did you thank him enough for showing you a NICE, QUIET, OUT OFF THE WAY INN KATHRYN? I'm sure you appreciated it." It seemed all of his anger seemed to run on on him. He sank into a chair in the opposite end of the room close to the door. "Why Kathryn, why? You knew I was waiting for you. You knew I loved you. Why? WHY?"
Not hearing any answer and not waiting to see if one was forthcoming, he stormed out of the room. Kathryn curled up into a ball on the sofa. He had loved her. Loved. It was over. Hugging her knees she stared out into deep cold space.
Chakotay sat back disgusted. Two hours in his sparring program against a hologram that looked suspiciously like the first minister hadn't done him any good. And neither had his vision quest. His spirit guide hadn't even shown up for the first 10 minutes and just when he began to think that this was one of the times when she had chosen not to come, she had appeared. But when he questioned her, all she did was snarl at him and vanish again. As if he had done anything wrong.
He sighed. In a way he had. Perhaps he had been too hard on Kathryn. After all she had just received a terrible shock and all he had done was scream at her. Perhaps he should go and apologize, maybe with one of his peace roses. Those always seemed to cheer her…..wait a second. Now he was giving her roses again. Chakotay, you're a bigger fool than even you thought possible. She has another mans child growing inside her. How's that for proof that she doesn't want to be with you. First chance she gets she's at it with some minister she's hardly known for a few days, but she keeps you hanging for 4 years, … and now you want to go crawling back. No, it was time for the angry warrior to reassert himself.
Kathryn sat back in her ready room. It was 2 weeks since she had gotten the news about the baby and the disastrous conversation with Chakotay. Ever since then, he had barely said a few sentences to her outside of bridge duty. He had made it a point to go to the mess hall at different times, and crew moral was starting to dip. All of them were feeling the friction between their command team.
She was only 2 months along and not showing yet, but she would need to tell the crew soon. The morning sickness wasn't getting any better and she rather they knew she was pregnant than scuttlebutt make up some terrible disease she was suffering from.
She tapped her comm badge and asking for a ship wide interface, proceeded to break the news to her crew.
Walking back onto the bridge a few minutes later, she took in Chakotay's rigid expression. Sighing she looked around as Tuvok came up to her.
"Kathryn Janeway. I have known you a long time and this news…pleases me greatly. May I wish you and your offspring peace and long life."
Smiling up at her friend, she nodded, not wanting to embarrass him by hugging him like she wanted to. Tuvok would never know how much that meant to her. Finally, someone else who was glad that she was going to have a baby. Taking a cue from Tuvok the rest of the bridge crew gathered round to congratulate their superior officer, each one of them sincerely happy for their captain. That is, all except the notable exception of Chakotay. She smiled as Harry shook her hand before hugging her, then scurrying away blushing furiously. She even managed to grin as Tom commented that they would have to set up a pool for when the baby would be born. But her thoughts were still on Chakotay. What would he do when he found out that the baby was all human. He would probably demand to know who on Voyager was the father. And if he thought that the father was someone else on the crew, that would destroy him even more than if it had been Raoul.
B'Elanna sidled up to Chakotay in the mess hall. "I guess now I know why you've been behaving like a bear these past few weeks. The engineering crew was more scared of you then me" she joked feebly.
"You've heard then" was all he said.
"Yeah I've heard. And from your mood lately I'm assuming it isn't yours?" eyes flashing he spun towards her. Retreating quickly she said "Okay, okay old man, I'll take that as a no."
"She got herself knocked up on Bremar 5" he muttered. Belanna drew in a shocked breath. "She told you that?" "No. But where else. Not on Voyager. I've been watching her closely for the past month. Se seemed to be ill after the Hirogen incident, so I know it wasn't then. The only possible time would have been during the away mission with first minister Raoul" he spat out.
"I'm sorry" she said. I know you love her. "Wrong B'El. I loved her. Not anymore. Not after she betrayed me. I'll never give her power to hurt me again. From now on I'll be her first officer and nothing more. I have to see her on duty but after that I'll avoid her like the plague. I don't know what I even saw in her in the first place. I must have been blind." and with that he staked off leaving his unfinished meal and a concerned lieutenant.
A concerned and embarrassed lieutenant as the captain emerged from a booth beside theirs. She hadn't been visible from their angle, but had been close enough to hear every word. Not knowing what to say she looked into the Captain's eyes and was surprised to see hurt shimmering in their depths. "Captain he didn't mean it….he's just angry…"
Holding up her hand she stalled her chief engineer. "He has every right to be angry. You don't have to defend him B'Elanna. But you're wrong about one thing…he did mean it." And she left.
8 weeks later
Chakotay sighed. This wasn't working. His plan was falling into pieces around him. He thought that by avoiding the captain outside of ship's business, he could detach himself from her. But he was failing miserably. Every morning when he stepped onto the bridge and saw her, he felt a knife go thought his heart. She was starting to show a little and at times he caught himself daydreaming about what it would be like for it to be his child that Kathryn was carrying. To be able to hold her and remind her that she was eating for two now. To go to the doctor's appointments with her and hold her hand. Then reality would wrap its cold claws around him and he would start back to the present.
She had virtually exiled herself from the crew. After B'Elanna had told him that she had overheard his rant in the mess hall, he was worried that they would have to break down which events she would attend and which he would. But she had simply stopped leaving her quarters after her shift, except for going to the mess hall. Gradually the crew learnt to stop asking whether she would be coming to a birthday celebration or a holiday party. They grew accustomed to her absence, something which he himself found hard to do. He had grown used to talking to her at these type of occasions. The burden of command, which had separated them from the rest of the crew, held them aloof from the junior officers, served to bring them closer together. Without her at his side he felt out of place, lost. Not to mention guilty. And worried.
It was his fault that she was avoiding her social life. A quick check of the holodeck logs told him that she hadn't been using her assigned time there either. Each morning it seemed that she looked paler and paler. Even though she was starting to round off in the middle, her cheeks were gaunt and her eyes set deep in their sockets. He had heard the doctor admonishing her for not getting enough rest and wondered what else she could be doing, alone in her quarters, except for resting. A review of her replicator logs revealed that she had even given up coffee. She was eating almost raw nutrients, whatever the doctor told her the baby needed; much like seven had done when she first came on board.
Each day she seemed to withdraw deeper into herself. No, this was definitely not working. And he knew what he had to do.
Kathryn looked up as the door to her ready room chimed. "Enter" she called out, wondering who it would be. The crew had taken to avoiding her after she had been a no show at the last 4 holodeck events. Chakotay. She wondered why he had come. Usually he avoided being alone with her at all costs.
"Come in Commander, please sit down."
"I'll stand if you don't mind Captain. I just came to give you this." He extended a padd towards her.
Reading it she struggled to control her emotions.
"What is this Chakotay?" she said, the words coming out angrier than she had intended
"I thought that was apparent Kathryn" he said calmly, as if all was right in his universe while hers had just come crashing down around her. "It's my resignation as your first officer . Effective immediately. I'm leaving the ship"
