Chapter 2
A/N: I once again owe a huge thank you to my beta reader GoodGodHenry, she was a tremendous help. Patiently dealing with my dilemma's over word choices.
Disclaimer: I realised I hadn't put one on in the first chapter, and I might forget in future. I do not own anything except my imagination. Everything else belongs to the wonderful showrunners of Criminal minds.
A/N: Yes, Jack is very definitely dead in this story.
Emily had seen the raw emotion in Hotch's eyes before he left, she had heard it in his voice. They all knew Hotch was still struggling, no one expected him not to be. But this was the first time Emily got a glimpse at the true extent of his sorrow, the utter agony that was slowly eating away at him. She so badly wanted to help him, to hold him in her arms, to ease some of his pain. Emily knew her feelings for Hotch had changed, but so much had happened between her realising and now that she hadn't been able to act on it. Perhaps if the circumstances had been different she would have.
When Emily walked into his apartment and saw the blood on the floor, the bullet in the wall, and no Hotch, she had felt an overwhelming sense of panic. The clawing fear that rose in her chest was almost paralyzing. She hadn't had time to analyse the emotions then, she just knew that her reaction went above the concern she would have felt for any other colleague. Yes, her team was her family, but with Hotch it was more. Just the thought that she had lost him almost broke her heart.
It was the little things that had drawn her to him. At first it was his unwavering belief in right and wrong, something so refreshing to her after she had been living in the grey area for so long. Slowly she had begun to see that despite being a stickler for the rules, he allowed room for his team members to deal with any personal demons that arose. Always offering his unwavering support. Their problems became his as well, even if he didn't fully understand. For Emily it had been with Matthew, and god knew how awful that had been for her.
His compassion was amazing, yes, he was hard on the team, but he also knew when to stop pushing them. When they needed to hear it, he was willing to praise them. When they needed a kind word, he had it. Aaron knew when to be subtle. This was especially true for JJ and Garcia, the two more sensitive members of the team, even though JJ would flat out deny being seen as sensitive.
He watched out for his team, and tried to shield them from any unnecessary burdens. He tried to fill in a role that he thought they were lacking. For Reid it was a father, maybe to JJ too. To Morgan he took on the role of a mentor. To her he was a friend, always a friend.
His unyielding ability to stay calm in almost any situation was another draw. He could compartmentalise just as well, maybe even better, than she could. The idea that Hotch would know she wasn't immune to what she saw, was oddly comforting to her. So was the notion that she wasn't the only one. He would understand that sometimes, alone at home when her guard was down, she was vulnerable to the horrors that were in her mind, shaking her usually unshakeable self. Hotch would understand how unnerving it was to be vulnerable, to let those walls down. He would know how helpless it felt when you were forced to confront your emotions, how impossible it is was to try and fight them off. After all isn't that what he was doing now, fighting to not give in and breakdown?
Emily knew that sometimes it was completely necessary to let those emotions go. You had to break down to build yourself back up, as cliche as it sounded, it's how you started over. She just hoped she could make Hotch see that.
He needed to talk to someone, and she hoped it would be her he confided in. He needed someone to remind him that it wasn't his fault, even though he wouldn't believe it, he needed to hear it. She wanted to tell him he didn't need to walk this road by himself, that he wasn't alone, because god did she know what it felt like to be alone. Emily knew she couldn't make it okay, she could never take the hurt away, but she hoped she could help him through this nightmarish ordeal.
But this was Hotch, and he would never open up about his vulnerabilities. She knew Hotch, so she knew he blamed himself for Haley and Jack's death. He probably believed that the torment he felt was his burden to bare, and that he didn't deserve to have anyone help him. He was stubborn, so very, very stubborn. She knew he felt it was his job to protect the team, and his family, no matter how impossible it was. And that was the problem. He felt he had failed to protect his family, and lost them as a result. It was this sense of failure that was driving the nail deeper into his heart.
His look haunted her. It was etched into her mind, making her decide that somehow she had to get him to talk. She needed to break through his shell, and push him to open up, before he sank. Otherwise she might just lose him forever, and that was a risk she was not willing to take.
She moved to get up and find him, but Rossi stopped her seeming to understand what she was going to do. With what looked to be support in his eyes he gently whispered, "Let him be for now, there will be time to talk later." She nodded, he was right, their discussion could wait. With a forced smile she returned to her seat, and trying to focus solely on the case.
Hotch locked the bathroom door before retching into the toilet, emptying his stomach of the little he had had for breakfast. He knew he was beginning to lose weight, his clothes were getting loose, but he didn't care. He couldn't make himself eat, and he had given up trying, the little he did manage always came up again.
He felt as if he was fighting to just breathe. At times he was ready to give up, to stop trying, to let himself float off into the darkness that threatened to consume him. But as quickly as that thought came, another one came to mind. Jack's voice would break through and reach for him in the darkness. His last words echoed through his mind,"Catch all the bad guys dad, you gotta promise. You need to keep the other boys and girls safe, and happy. Remember to be happy daddy" With a gun held to his head, his son had told him to be happy. Hotch choked on a sob, he knew that as tempting as it was to give up, he had to keep his promise.
Hotch's retching became dry heaving sobs, albeit silent ones, he couldn't risk anyone hearing him breakdown. He sat back against the door with his head held in his hands, quietly murmuring to himself, "I'm sorry buddy, I'm so sorry daddy wasn't there."
Knowing he had a promise to keep didn't make going from day to day any easier. How was he supposed to be happy when he woke up to a crushing sadness, and a feeling of utter helplessness. From the moment he opened his eyes the disappointment of having to face another day came crashing down on him. It washed over him so completely, that it made getting out of bed in the morning a monumental task.
At first Hotch had simply tried to bury himself in work, he stayed at the office late taking on extra paperwork. He moved through life minute by minute, if he looked any further than that it was physically painful, and emotionally overwhelming. After a while, work wasn't even enough anymore, and the feeling of hopelessness crept its way back in.
A part of him knew he couldn't lead his team anymore, he was putting them in danger. He was taking huge, stupid, and irrational risks. He was willingly putting his life on the line, and as a result the team's. Of all the things Hotch was absolutely certain about, it was that his team was willing to risk anything for him. Even their lives. That was why he knew that walking into a house unarmed, without his kevlar was selfish. The same way that it was selfish to be walking into a building that was on fire, and about to explode. And countless other examples that Hotch didn't care to remember.
He knew Morgan had began to doubt him and his ability to lead the team, but had so far remained silent. Hotch knew that Morgan's anxiety was coming from a place of concern, that he was merely looking out for him, and the others. Hell, Hotch was concerned about himself. He knew the whole team was worried about him, and he was grateful. He wasn't blind to the looks they gave him, or each other, and the caring gestures they made towards him. It was comforting for him to know that they were there. Yet he never acknowledged them, for some reason he was scared, as if by acknowledging his need for help, he was admitting that a part of him had been broken. Smashed. Destroyed.
A part of him resented the fact that he relied on them, that he was comforted by them, and for being weak enough to need them. But a bigger and more desperate part of himself was thankful. He wasn't alone, he didn't have anything to live for, but he wasn't alone. So yes, he knew he shouldn't be leading his team anymore, but at the same time it was impossible to walk away. He couldn't stand to lose them too.
Hotch shook his head, "No!" he mentally berated himself, "You do have something to live for!". For a moment Emily's face flashed through his mind, giving him a warm feeling in his chest, but he quickly shook the thought off. No, his team, especially JJ and Reid, still needed him. The victims and their families still needed him, they needed justice. But most importantly he needed to keep his promise. With this in mind he had everything to live for.
Hotch stood and straightened his suit, pulling himself together. Before he could put his mask back on and walk away, one last thought of Jack came to mind. "Daddy always wins, nobody beats daddy."
Hotch let out a sad sigh and whispered, "I'm sorry I didn't win that last time buddy."
He splashed water onto his face, and ran a hand through his hair. He knew deep down that Haley would say he had another chance to win, another chance to make the most out of life and love. She would tell him he could learn to laugh again, that he should laugh again. Hotch simply shook his head, he doubted very much that he would ever again be able to.
Hotch stepped out of the bathroom and took a deep breath before he headed back to the conference room. However, before he could make a move, an angry officer stepped in front of him blocking his path. Hotch blinked and then frowned, what was this guy doing.
"Shouldn't you be doing something to catch this guy?" the officer demanded loudly, causing several people to turn towards them.
Hotch's gaze turned steely, "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You and your team have been sitting in there all day, doing nothing!", he said jerking his hand towards the conference room. "And now you're out here taking a breather. Well let me tell you something Mr FBI, those victims aren't going to take another breath. They didn't have 'a minute', and neither should you." He finished angrily, with his finger pointing at Hotch's chest.
Hotch stiffened, and crossed his arms. His gaze turning from steely to venomous in a matter of seconds. He took a step toward the officer, who immediately stepped back, intimidated.
Before Hotch could make his scathing reply, the police chief stepped in and sternly called out, "Officer Danning, can I have a word.". It was phrased as a question, but both Hotch and the young officer knew that it wasn't. Luckily, Officer Danning knew when to back down. He meekly followed the chief into his office, unaware of how narrowly he had missed coming to blows with the unit chief. And Hotch wasn't going to hold any punches, verbally or otherwise.
Hotch continued to glare at the officer as he made his way towards the office, so he was startled when he felt a hand on his arm.
"Hotch…"
"What?" he snapped, and immediately winced at his tone. He looked down to find Emily's gaze on him as she intently studied him. He suddenly became very aware of the hand still on his forearm, and the odd sensation it caused in his belly.
Emily was unfazed by his tone, and she continued to stare at him.
"Aaron", she said softly, "He's wrong. It's okay to take a minute.".
Hotch was startled by the use of his first name, but he felt himself soften slightly. Her tone was firm but her dark eyes were gentle. She gave him a look filled with understanding, telling him it was okay, that she was there. Hotch shrugged the thought away, he was imagining it, it wasn't okay. He seriously needed to get a grip.
"No, it's not. He's right, we shouldn't be wasting time. We need to stay focused!". His body language was stiff, and his tone came out harsher than intended, but he didn't have time to dwell on it. Instead he brushed past her, and entered the conference room.
"What have we got?", he asked with his eyes trained on the evidence board, he wasn't ready to meet anyones eye.
"Garcia called, all the victims were looking into fertility treatment. They all visited a website that is listed to a company called 'New Age'. The company is currently researching, and testing, various sorts of new drugs and different combinations. They aren't focused on researching any one specific field of medicine, rather they are developing drugs varying from the cure of Alzheimer's, to fertility treatment. They have over thirty employees, so we would have to narrow down the search, but I think our unsub probably works there. He has to have a secondary location where he holds the victims." Reid answered Hotch, reciting all the information in one breath.
"The address is two hours away", JJ added, "I just got hold of the head researcher, and he agreed to talk to us."
Hotch nodded, "JJ you and Reid go to the lab and talk to him. Ask him about the drug found in our victims, as well as what the requirements are to get into the fertility program." he said dismissing them.
JJ and Reid simply nodded, neither of them eager to be alone with each other for two hours.
A/N: This was an emotional chapter, and as my beta told me a bit of a tearjerker, but I hope you enjoyed it.
Thank you for your wonderful reviews, follows, and favourites. I appreciate them immensely.
