Yay to my reviewers!

Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - haha! our review madwe me smile a whole lot! I'm glad you freaked out! XD

Shelia Chiaroscura - Thanks! I'm glad you think that that was a goo start, I'll try to keep it up!

Burma - yes please stick around! And yes Allons-y in now my favorite word ever!

Here we go agai!

Enjoy!


March 21st

Sorry…fell asleep there last night. You let me sleep on the floor in your room. I'll tell you, that's the best night of sleep I've gotten in well over three years.

Right now you're…probably up early working in the shop. The sun is barely up and I will probably drift back to sleep but I wanted to jot down the rest of yesterdays happenings before I did. So you're up dark and early in the shop and I write now for…I question writing when your in the room because well…I might of stolen this notebook. Granted, I know where you keep your things. Notebooks are hidden under the bed in a little box, some notebook empty, others full. I am…was…never allowed under there. But last night I just felt the need to write. To see if I even still could after all those years of just occasionally scratching my real name into the mud on the ground with my fingernails. It's handy to know I still can. I opened the box and tried to ignore the notebook with writing on the cover. I was unsuccessful as my eyes floated over the words, (perhaps my excuse can be that I wanted to know if I could still read too).

Love letters to my unborn child

I felt a little pitch in my stomach.

That's as far as I'll be reading that.

…still makes my stomach leap to think about it…still makes me feel sick…

Going on though…

Will you be angry for me taking this empty notebook out from under your bed?

Well, I hope not, cause a little too late to take it back!

Where was I now?

Ah, yes…

Your deep and wondering eyes.

And as soon as I said that, you simply knew straight away, like…I had just taken off a masquerade mask that was hiding my face. Your eyes grew larger and larger with realization. Then they squinted and narrowed as if you thought that they were deceiving you.

Her? After all these years? In my shop? It can't be…

Your mouth hung open slightly in…shock….or confusion…or utter disbelief or perhaps not wanting to believe. Slowly from your barely parted lips, I heard it. Like the rush of wind that you sometimes hear whisper something just hardly audible. But I knew the one word,

Ella

I turned my head to the side.

That wasn't my name. I refused to be looked in the eye and called that. I tried to keep the hatred from my eyes…for some reason I still felt that pinch of hatred. That pinch of you called me Ella for thirteen years and that wasn't even ever my bloody name.

I was waiting for something in that tense moment. A scream, a laugh, arms suddenly and aggressively wrapped around me, a swift straitening of your kneeling legs and mad pacing around the shop…denial, acceptance, love, hatred…something? !

But nothing came.

Seconds came and past…I found myself wondering how long we could both just sit here…you sitting in that chair with your elbows on your knees, staring so intensely at me, me dreaming out the window and trying to entertain myself with the empty night.

Finally, "Why are you here?" Four words saying a million - Why are you here? How did you find me? Did you intend to? Were you looking for me? Why did you come in? Do you need me? What's happened? It's been three years… - your thoughts buzzing around so fast and so hastily that they didn't know what else to mutter out.

I looked back again to glance at thatgaze that hadn't left me…studying every inch. Older, more well-defined, dirty, skinny body of the girl you used to know, eh?

I didn't try to lie about it, "I've been passing the shop for about three months now…" Three months was my approximation. Could have been far more or far less…

"You've lived on the street…all three years?"

I nodded. No more response was needed.

"I thought Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies… I wonder? I saw you…I knew…" I couldn't finish that thought that was halted between my lips…I missed you.

"I knew it was you, Mu…" but I stopped myself…how in the world did I let that slip? I'm not sure…but I stopped myself…and you still sitting on that stool, up straight now, (as if you were in front of someone important?), your eyes darting around on the floor…thinking about something or another. Well…when I stopped myself you… closed your eyes harshly. As though my words were a bullet.

But…I mean it seriously…

"You know I can't call you Mum…" The slightest of nods from your closed posture - eyes closed, lips pressed together, arms crossed. Were you struggling to hold back the tears?

I was…

"I'm not sure if I want you calling me Ella…and I can't very well tell you my real name…you said never to tell you…that you never wanted to know…" my sentence was slow and spaced out, just wondering when you would cut in and say something…if anything at all.

At last, you did. "You read my letters?" as if you thought I never would…as if you thought that I had thrown them in the rain as soon as I took them.

"Read?" I laughed…one of those biter laughs. The only kind I've known for the longest time. "More like studied them day and night. They've been my Bible for the last three years…"

Silence again. I remember thinking - Silence - Hanging in the air like a dead body. You couldn't just ignore it, when it's silent, it bothers you like a dead body would. But what can you do about it? It's too late once you realize the awkward silence is there to do anything about it. Same with the body…I have strange thoughts like this. I sometimes think it's the little bit of you I have in me shinning through…I suppose I mean that as a compliment.

I took a deep breath…determined to raise the dead, "There's just something about standing in front of each other for the first time after all these years, both faceless and nameless and…hating each other and loving each other all at the same time…and both of us simply at a loss for words that…just makes us equal again…"

We both knew it was true.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, a hand through the red curtain. The figure behind became baffled at how the material moved in front of it and began to move widely. I almost laughed at the site…almost…

"Toby, love?" you muttered out, and you tried to hide the tears from your voice (being become much better at that over the years) but I could still hear the sting your body held right now.

Finally, the rest of the body followed the hand.

A boy, about my age, perhaps younger. Dingy brown hair, short for his age (if he was close to mine), groggy with sleep. Dark eyes, pale skin…like the lot of us.

That's all I cared to notice.

"Mum…I heard voices…"

You got up and walked over to him, careful to hold up his swaying body. "An old friend, lad. Why don't you head back to sleep, eh?"

A slight nod, a blink of his half-shut eyes, and a blank stare at me before you spun him around by his shoulders and pushed him back through the curtain.

You turned back to me and smiled, almost…embarrassed?

"He called you 'Mum'…" I noted. And then, my voice growing bitter with question, "You didn't steal him too, did yah?"

You didn't take it as a joke.

I didn't mean it as a joke.

"No…Toby…he uh…" you reached up and ran your hand through your hair. It was…different…I suddenly noticed. It wasn't a brown anymore. It was more auburn…more like the color…of mine…It was curled neater, loved more. So the rumors of how popular your shop was getting weren't just rumors? "Toby he…he just sort of fell into my lap," a shrug…and an innocent laugh. You took in a deep breath and blew it out, puffing up your cheeks, as if stalling. After letting it out slowly, you continued, "His guardian just disappeared one day…"

I didn't care. Not honestly. So I muttered out an "Oh…" and nodded.

And silence encircled us again. Feeling terribly awkward, I took another shifting eye sip of my water.

You were looking me over. Up and down. Left to right…my hair, my eyes, my face, my hands, my fingers. I didn't like it…I didn't like the pressure.

And suddenly, a smile curled on your lips. Left side, then right, slowly becoming a brilliant smile. I could feel you wanted to hug me…but you held back.

Was I happy for this? I can't be sure…

"Love?" you called me that a lot before…you bent down to my height and got close to my face, lowering your voice to a whisper now. I felt your warm breath on my cheeks. "I think it's time to make the place you've been passing for the past three months somewhat of a…" you stopped as if you were unsure to go on. "…a home." A pause and then, "Your home…"

You promised me a place to curl up on your hardwood bedroom floor, tons of extra quilts and such, you added, and you proceeded to give me a tour of the place.

The pie shop (back to your old trade), through the red curtain to the small hallway.

The two stair cases. Up to Mr. Todd's part of the building, "Don' be going up there," you explained "he wouldn't be liken that…" And down to the bake house. "Don't be going down there either…it's where I make the pies and…it's a bloody mess…quite literally…" was that a joke?

You paused before we passed through the door to the next room, "You know? Just forget I ever showed you this here passage, eh?" a joke. I giggled. It was almost a strange feeling, having not done it in so long!

I could just as well hear your pleased smile that spread across your face at the thought that you had made me happy as we walked through the creaking door to the next room.

"This be the parlor. New wallpaper you see! New furnishing. Business never better!"

Suddenly I noticed the boy you called Toby sleeping on the sofa. You must of heard my gasp.

"Oh don't mind him," your voice was loud. "In a drunken sleep, he is. Doubt he was even truly awake when he came out to us. Don't mind the fact that he won't remember you in the morning." With a smile and wink I could barely see in the candle-lit space, you turned around and walked to the other side of the room. I walked slowly, struggling to see the details of everything. I saw pictures barely in focus hanging everywhere. I know these locations. Pictures of the sea. Still longed to go back, eh?

You didn't notice my snoopings, "Gin does the trick!" you went on, "Learned that from the workhouse…" you giggled. Oh…the congregation sings more…how I've missed your laugh.

"Come on love!" you opened the only door out of the parlor. It also creaked loudly as we stepped across the threshold. "This is my bedroom…" you sighed. It wasn't much. A bed, a dressier, a wardrobe.

You searched relentlessly for a nightgown for me, finally finding one and tossing it on the bed. You promised to go get all the blankets I'd need to sleep comfortably and you left the room for me to change.

How grown up you seemed…I know it seems odd to say such a thing but…you weren't Mum anymore… the Mum that I wanted to be with more then I wanted to be with my friends my age. You were…I'm not sure, it's hard to put into words. Different…somehow.

While I changed clothing…I noticed something…and when you stepped back into the room and caught me staring, you were fast to cover it back up with that pink sheet that had fallen off of it.

That didn't stop me from muttering, "You kept the cradle?"

"To be perfectly clear…" you started, breathless and embarrassed, "It's not your cradle…it was meant for her…but…I simply don't know…I could never get rid of it…"

I wrote last nights entry by the dim candle light you left lit for me.

I wondered as I drifted to sleep what that cradle really said about you. Was it your desire to not forget about her? Or your desire to not forget about me?

I didn't put much thought into it before I drifted to sleep.


There you are! AS you can probably tell by the late update, my computer is still not working so hot...sooooo...we'll see.

Bye Bye!

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