Yogatta Be Kidding Me!

Chapter One: Sun Salutation


The surya namaskar, or sun salutation, is a standard beginning of yoga practice. It involves twelve steps centered around breathing and is usually repeated a few times before beginning the class with the eternal sound of the Om.


"No freaking way!"

Dean Anderson was grateful this was over the phone and not face-to-face. He had seen the way Helga's shoulders tensed under accusations and how percing her glare could become. "Yes, Miss Pataki. You've been assigned to physical and meditation therapy in the form of yoga."

Helga bit into her cheek. "I have to go to freaking yoga? How often?"

"Five days a week for three months, with one mandatory meditation practice every other week." Helga groaned into the phone. "Since you don't have a job, or participate in sports or clubs, you have enough time to fit this into your busy schedule. Your instructor will sign a time sheet for you at the end of each practice."

Helga leaned into her desk chair, smacking her hands onto the tabletop. "And what if I refuse to do this?"

"Well, you would be put on a minor academic suspension, with two weeks of community service instead of attendance in class."

"But if I miss that many classes, I'd lose my scholarships!"

"Exactly, Miss Pataki. We all want to help you, and we all agree that this will be a life-changing experience." There was a pause. "I will be e-mailing you the yoga studio information."

Helga hung up the phone by throwing it at her painted cinderblock wall. The flip phone snapped in half, chipping off some of the white paint in the process. "Criminiy," she mumbled. She reached over to her desk and opened her laptop, scanning her campus e-mail inbox. She knew that the Dean was serious, and that if she failed to attend even one class without a written death certificate she'd be in even more trouble.


To: hgpataki at hillwoodu . edu

From: anderson at hillwoodu . edu

Subject: Yoga Studio Information


HILLWOOD YOGA STUDIO
331 East 8th St
Suite B

Class Schedule:

Monday - Friday:

7:00 am - 8:00 am Vinyasa - Mary
9:15 am - 10:45 am Vinyasa - Andrew & HYS Intern
12:00 pm- 1:00 pm Vinyasa - Kristen
4:00 pm - 5:00 pm Vinyasa - Danielle & HYS Intern
5:30 pm - 6:30 pm Vinyasa - Mary
*7:00 pm - 8:00 pm Meditation - Juliette

(*=Not available on Wednesdays)

Saturday - Sunday

7:00 - 8:00 am Vinyasa - Andrew
9:15 - 10:30 am Vinyasa - Kristen
12:00 pm - 1:00 pm Vinyasa - Danielle
2:30 pm - 3:30 pm Meditation - Juliette

Wednesday:

7:00 pm - 8:00 pm Vinyasa Basics - Juliette & HYS Intern


Be sure to have your instructor sign the attached Attendance Sheet after each class. You are required to attend five classes for twelve weeks, with five additional meditation classes.

Class payments and equipment are covered by the college's counseling budget. A stipend of $1000 is availble for your pick up tomorrow at the Health Center.

Good luck, Helga.

Dean Anderson
Hillwood University
anderson at hillwoodu . edu
Bell Tower Buildling, Office 202


Helga sighed. Tomorrow was Monday and she had four classes until 1 in the afternoon. Plus, she'd have to go to the mall and get real workout clothes. At the very least, a sports bra.

She closed her laptop as her roommate's keychain fumbled against the doorknob. The doors were surprisingly hollow and it was easy to hear everything from inside the room.

"Hey, Helga," she mumbled between bites of an apple. She dropped her backpack on her deskchair and kicked off her shoes, hitting the blinds and the window. "Whoops."

Helga's roommate Alex was the only person she could tolerate. Alex was from New York, looking for a change of city but still wanted a downtown area with a coffeeshop on every corner. Alex had half of her brunette head shaved, revealing an intricate pattern of freckles and moles from childhood. She wore fake brightly colored plastic glasses, even though she had a heavy contact lens prescription. Her sense of style was always changing and she never stayed in their room for long.

Hillwood U's campus spread across the downtown, with the freshman dormitories near the local bus station for easy transportation. Helga had grown up around each of the buildings, knew how long it took to get from the Herman Mathematics Building on 5th Street to Grandview English on 14th (20 minutes if you hustled). She recognized the school's insignia on many of the apartment buildings and local shops.

Helga thought about being a commuter student, but realized that meant it would involve living at home. So she applied for a housing scholarship. Big Bob had begrudgingly agreed to give her a monthly food budget, since she opted out of the campus provided meal plan. The more money she could save Bob the better.

"You're steaming," Alex pointed to the chip in the wall. "What happened?"

"I was offically punished. And it's not pretty."

"Oh, are you suspended? Expelled?"

Helga laughed, "I wish. It's much worse." Alex cleaned off her bed, tossing Helga her broken remains of a phone. "I have mandated yoga classes. Those crocks in admin think I need to relax."

Alex burst into laughter. "That's the best thing I've heard all day."

Helga threw her phone back at Alex in retaliation.


FACEBOOK

Helga Pataki: The good ol' dinosaur of a flip phone has finally become extinct. If you need to reach me: don't.

10 Likes - 2 Comments

-Rhonda Wellington Lloyd: If you need a phone from this century, let me know! I have a ton of old smart phones.

-Helga Pataki: My dad owns an electronic shop, Rhon. I'm fine.


Alex was always up early to finish the homework she never did for class, so Helga was used to having the morning to herself. Luckily her first class was at 9:30, so she could manage to sleep in until 8:30 or 9 before running out the door.

Helga had a fitfull night's sleep, dreaming of all of the horrors that could befall her at her first yoga class. Her anxiety over something so incredibly stupid was completely unwarrented, and she knew that, but it didn't stop the little voice in her head from lisiting all problems. She could show up late, bring the wrong equipment, be seen as weak, fall over in a pose-or even worse, pass gas as she stretched. She'd spent the night reading Yoga Class Horror Stories on a bunch of women's magazine websites.

Helga picked up her check after her last class, glaring at the Health Services receptionist the entire time. "Enjoy your classes," she smiled.

"Yeah, yeah," Helga said as she put her headphones back into her ears. Her old 4th generation iPod was still functioning, although for how much longer, Helga wasn't sure.

Helga had written down what the Hillwood Yoga Studio website recommended for each class: tight-fitting, flexible clothing, secured hair, a face towel, a yoga mat, yoga blocks, yoga strap, and water bottle. And she'd need at least five outifts, which she imagined would cost a lot.

The Sports Supply Store was having a Yoga Studio special, with all of their outdated and unfashionable apparel on sale for 75% off. Helga looked at the racks of bright, patterned, spandex-like clothing and sighed. She picked out all black pants and gray and white tank tops with built in support for her chest. She grabbed a random yoga mat from the shelf, which included a strap to carry it and use in practice. She grabbed a pink foam block and matching sweatband before hurrying to the counter.

The man at the register took his time scanning each item individually while Helga looked around anxiously. The last thing she needed was someone seeing her.

The sensor at the front of the store went off. Helga turned her head to see the last person in the world she ever wanted to run into.

"Oh, wow, hey Helga!"

She grit her teeth, cheeks flushing pink as she turned to face-"Football Head."

He was drenched in sweat, clad in short athletic shorts and a sleeveless blue workout shirt. His hair was matted down to his forehead and neck. Helga struggled to keep her gaze upwards, practically melting into her knees at the thought of him working out shirtless. Arnold held a broken arm band in his hands, used to hold his cell phone as he ran. "It's amazing-of all the places to run into you!"

She felt her voice shake as she turned to face him, "Yeah, good thing you didn't actually run into me. If I had left any sooner we'd both be ass first onto the sidewalk."

He grinned, cheeks red from exertion. "How're classes treating you?"

"Fine."

The employee had finsihed bagging her things. Helga handed over her credit card without waiting to hear the total, hoping the shake of her wrist would go away. She grabbed the first bag off the counter and pushed past him, "Well, it's been great seeing you. Football Head. I'll catch you later."

"Wait-"

Helga was out the door.


She hadn't stopped shaking in almost two hours. It didn't help that she'd just finished a macchiato at the cafe next to the yoga studio, but her heart was racing from more than caffeine. She hadn't seen Arnold, or anyone from high school, really, since graduation.

She never found out what Arnold's plans were for college. He never shared them with anyone, not even their college guidance counselor. Arnold had graduated with a very high GPA and won an award for his final English Essay, which were all mentioned in the graduation program. As Helga thought more about it, she remembered seeing his college of choice blank.

What was he up to?

It was so easy to ignore her feelings and boxing them away into fleeting moments of wanting when he was out of sight. But now he had clearly been in sight and she felt like she was free falling from the top of the Future Tech Industries skyscraper.

Helga's body jumped at a car door slamming across the street. She glanced at her watch, realizing it was almost time for her first class. She shrugged her bag of goodies onto her shoulder, knocking into a couple's table with her rolled up mat. She muttered an apology under her breath.

The studio smelled of sweat and burning vanilla incense. The woman behind the receptionist counter grinned, her blonde ponytail bouncing. "Welcome to Hillwood Yoga Studio. Have you been here before?"

Helga dropped her stuff to her feet, "No."

"Great! Well we have a new student special, or are you here for a drop in class?"

"New student."

She smiled again, clicking the studio computer to life. "Alrighty, well being a new student means you get half-off the membership fee and unlimited classes for your first month!" Helga nodded. "That'll be $40."

Helga reached into her wallet, only to realize her credit card wasn't there. "Oh, fuck!"

"Excuse me?"

"My credit card! I left it at the sports place-" Helga turned towards the door, then back to the receptionist. "I absolutely have the money, and I am not trying to scrimp out of paying, but I left my credit card at the store where I bought all this stuff." She pointed to the yoga mat. "Can I pay after class? I'll even leave you something as collateral."

"Okay, sure. Just let me give you this form to fill out. I'll take your collateral," she smiled. Helga handed over her small pink notebook, the most valuable thing she owned, as she lifted up the clipboard.

It was a standard set of forms: Name, Address and the like, Any Experience at Yoga?, Injury Waiver, Permission to be Touched by Instructor. Helga signed off on the last sheet and handed it back. "Alright, well let me just get you set up in our online system. This is your sign in key," a small plastic piece attached to a key ring, "so if we're ever busy at the desk, you can just wave it in front of our scanner and be signed in for class." The receptionist scanned it and Helga's name popped up on the screen. "Enjoy your first class with us!"

Helga walked to the bathroom and changed as quickly as she could. She just wanted this day to end. She was still shaken up about seeing Arnold.

Helga took off her shoes before entering the incredibly hot studio. The floor was a soft wood, padded to absorb shock and be easier to move on. The room was heated to at least 90 degrees and it was stifiling, especially on a summer day like this. There were hooks by the window at the back of the studio for people's things. Helga hung up her stuff, juggling her block, strap, towel, water bottle and mat. She faced the room-women and a few men were all spread out on their mats, stretching, breathing, or talking to their neighbor.

Helga chose a spot in the back corner against the wall, hoping that no one would notice her.

A tall, tanned, rail-thin woman in a bright orange tank top stood at the front of the room, small microphone attached to her ear. "Alright, hello everyone. I see some new faces, so I'll introduce myself. I'm Danielle and welcome to your Vinyasa yoga practice. I just want to say congratulations on doing the most important part of any yoga practice, which is showing up." A few of the students chuckled. Helga groaned.

"To start, I want everyone to get into Child's Pose, so take your knees wide across your mat, get your big toes to touch, and then press your forehead into your mat. Your forehead is the most important part, as it acts as your third eye and lets you focus inwards."

Helga felt her hips stretch and tighten as she bent forwards, arms outstreched across her mat.

"I want everyone to take a few deep breaths and really sink into the tops of your feet."

Helga felt sweat build at the back of her neck. She was barely two minutes in! I am going to die, she thought as she exhaled through her nose.

"Vinyasa is about focusing on your breath in each pose. So now I want everyone to rise to Tabletop, knees hip-width distance, arms shoulder length apart. Keep your spine neutral and long," Helga felt a hand press deep into her back, moving her spine forwards to straighten. Her shoulderblades dug into her back in surprise, causing a painful arch. A wam hand pressed into her stomach and pulled her belly in, tightening her core back into a more neutral pose. Her shoulderblades sunk back and pulled her chest forward again.

She let her eyes drop to her mat, only to see her credit card sitting in between her hands.


Helga blacked out.

Not really, but she suffered through tunnel vision throughout the rest of practice. Her breathing was irregular and impossible to control. Her muscles began shaking even before moving into downward dog. Her entire body ached in a terribly good way-a satisfaction she hadn't felt since she finished running a mile in five minutes during high school physical education. She hadn't stretched herself out in years.

But none of that mattered because Arnold had touched her.

Helga remained rooted to her mat after the practice ended. She wasn't sure she could stand.

"Are you okay?" Danielle asked. Helga nodded. "You had a great first practice. I noticed on your form you said you'd never practiced yoga before. You're very flexible."

"T-thanks," she replied.

"It will take some time to get the flow and poses perfect, but you responded well to our intern's instruction."

"Yeah. Actually, uh, I need to pay for my classes. So, if you'll excuse me," Hegla hoisted herself off her knees, grabbing her mat and letting it drag across the sweat-covered floor.

Arnold is a yoga instructor. Helga's heart felt like it was ringing in her chest.

The receptionist smiled as she swiped the credit card. Helga signed the receipt, hardly able to focus. "Don't forget the rest of your stuff!" Danielle shouted as she shut the bathroom door.

Helga turned on her heel, only to stop short. Arnold was mopping the floor. And she was the only other person in the room.

"Hey, Helga! You did amazing today." He set the mop against the window and met her next to her bags. "Danielle said you'd never done this before?"

"N-no," she cleared her throat. "Never."

"Well, you were great. You have such a strong handle on your breath. I was impressed." Her cheeks flushed red. Oh, my god. "Will you be back tomorrow? Because I only assist during the 4 pm classes."

"I actually have class until 4:30," she shrugged, "so I'll try to come early." Or never again.

"That's great! I'm so glad you're doing this, Helga. I really love yoga. It's helped me so much in my life, you know, helped me become more focused."

"Yeah. I'm hoping for the same."

Arnold smiled, feeling his chest tighten with excitement. He had been dying to have a friend to practice with, or at least someone closer to his age at the studio. It was mostly older women and men in their late thirties who were members or instructors. They'd spend time before and after class talking about their children and their work schedules. Arnold couldn't relate.

"Well," Helga picked up her backpack and new yoga clothes, "I guess I'll see you around, Football Head."

"Wait, Helga. Do you want a ride home?"

Helga felt her knees shaking. Maybe she did need to rest.

No.

She had to get the hell out of there.

"I'm okay, Arnold. It's just a few blocks to my dorm."

"Are you sure? It's really no trouble."

"Really. I'm fine."

She was no where near fine.